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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  The Devil in D Minor Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Devil in D Minor  (currently 17076 views)
mgj
Posted: April 15th, 2006, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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I'm probably not the right person to review this since the subject matter is so far removed from any of my own personal experiences (apparently I've lived a very sheltered life).  I can however relate to the feelings of confusion and helplessness that these kids felt.  In that sense it was universal.

All of the characters had their own distinct voice which helped to draw me into the story.  It did take me a little while to get into it but once I was able to find its rythm it began to flow smoothly.  I did, however, think that the torture scenes where a bit excessive (and a few other scenes as well) but then again I've never been high on acid before so maybe this is appropriate for the subject matter.

There did appear to be some sort of cohesive story in there somewhere that followed a certain logic to a conclusion so kudos for you on that. To me the ending was the most satisfying.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: April 16th, 2006, 4:25am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike, thanks for the read and the comments.

You’re the right person to review, I think. I’ll take all the help I can get and your opinion is just as valid as anyone else’s.

Yeah, my writing is a bit on the odd side, I guess. I use a lot of symbolism that tends to mask what would otherwise be obvious. There is a cohesive story buried in there somewhere. If I told you the literal translation, you would probably say, “oh, that’s a pretty basic story.”

The torture scenes may have been excessive. They weren’t just there for the sake of disturbing people, though. They served a purpose to the story. I’m always fascinated with what people are willing to do to other people - how cruel they can be. Torture is beneath enlightened people but the world at large has a long way to go to understand that. I felt it was needed to drive to point the extremes that people will go to in order to protect their unenlightened views or destroy the opposing views of others. Or to torture oneself as the case may be.

You may be right that it may be overkill. It should be noted, however, that every torture depicted was researched and is based on an actual torture practice that has been perpetrated on hundreds of people at some point in history. I guess it’s sort of my way of making sure their stories are told.

Thanks for the much appreciated input.

Brea



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shelbyoops
Posted: April 16th, 2006, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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I love you! I never have read a drama script on this site before but this was an exellant start!

POSTIVIES:

There were more of these than anything else. This was damn close to perfect.

1. Your character names were original. Most are bland and boring but these worked.

2. All your characters had back story. Most scripts *even the ones i wrote* failed on this. I loved how they all came for bad places. It made so much sense they would be drug addicts.

3. I cared about your characters. They were all little freaks but at the end of the film I really cared about them.

4. You did well with the halucinations. I thought it would be confusing but you handled it perfectly.

5. The dialogue was sharp and fresh. I felt every character's dialogue was different yet fitting to their personality.

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITCISM:

This is hard most of it will be formatting stuff.

1. What was with the *word* thing? Sometimes when the characters spoke that was around a word. Did that mean to emphasize that word?

2. The end was confusing. Thats prolly my fault cuz im too damn dumb to put it together.

Thats all the criticism i can think of. You did so well!

**** out of **** (i dont throw this around)  
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 12:08am Report to Moderator
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Hi Shelby. I love you, too. Especially with such a positive review. Thank you for your very kind comments.

Yes, the asterisks notate emphasis on a particular word as opposed to italics. I borrowed the technique from, of all places, an old Mary Tyler Moore episode. It was really just me experimenting with format. This is the only script I’ve ever actually used the technique with. I kind of like it.

It’s not your fault that the end was confusing. You’re not dumb. It’s the writer’s fault when a script is confusing. These kinds of scripts require the writer to walk a fine line between being too confusing by not being literal enough and being “dumbed down” by being too literal.

The original version had a scene where the character Yellow Eyes thinks he’s figured the whole thing out and reveals an explanation of some of the symbolism but it was felt that it was sort of “holding the reader’s hand” so I stripped it.

Thanks again for the read and the feedback. Oh and also, you did me another favor: you helped get me my very first “Hot Thread.” Thank you for that.

Brea



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rooney
Posted: April 23rd, 2006, 12:53am Report to Moderator
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This is the first script I have read all the way through on this site.  I did it mostly because of the amount of messages posted about this script.  I have tried to make it through countless other scripts here but just can't do it; there is so much garbage!

In regards to your script, the dialogue is realistic, which is above average compared to many scripts that get posted here, or anywhere.

This may sound odd, but I feel you need to go darker.  I got the feeling that these teens are some of the most depraved souls roaming the earth or the middle earth, or whatever.  It just seemed as though they could bounce in and out of normalcy too easily.  

Yellow Eyes needs to be described in a more physically intimidating fashion (unless he was but I missed it) because he man-handles a 28 year old Trevor, a grizzled detective, an armed detective, then a priest...  whatever, I just pictured him as a wiry, little, punk bitch teenager, and when it was time for Trevor to confront him, he ran.  So that leads me to believe he was physically imposing.  Maybe I misinterpreted.  

On the whole, you have a story here, which is, more than most can say.  I love a movie that can transcend a specific genre and make people ask questions.  You walk in the shadows of Kubrick, which is where all aspiring writers/filmmakers should spend at least some time.  

I have a script to be posted soon called "Harmonic Continuum."  I think you of all people here might dig it.  Anyway, if you find time, give it a whirl.  Let me know.  

All in all, I'm glad I spent an hour of my time with your material.  Good Luck.

Nick


Bringing nothing to the table since 1977.




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bert
Posted: April 23rd, 2006, 11:01am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rooney
This is the first script I have read all the way through on this site....there is so much garbage! ...above average compared to many scripts that get posted here....you have a story here, which is, more than most can say.


You know, I can't disagree with you, Rooney -- but there are also plenty of buried gems -- like Brea's piece of work here -- if you look for them.  

Don has his reasons for his "open door" policy -- but, yeah -- it's no secret that there is plenty of chaff.

Having said that, however, us writers are a sensitive breed -- and if you are hoping for some reads on "Harmonic", it might be best to avoid broad generalizations that belitte -- essentially -- the work of every other author here.

All of this negativity in your review is quite off-putting, and will drive potential readers away.  Count on it.

Praise for Brea is great -- she flat-out deserves it -- but can you see how dissing every other script in the process is kind of superfluous?  Not trying to be snotty here.  Just sayin' -- as you are planning on posting something of your own.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!

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bert  -  April 23rd, 2006, 11:14am
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rooney
Posted: April 23rd, 2006, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry everybody.  I didn't mean to sound so negative.  I meant to sound excited that I found a good a script.  

I'm not trying to put the writers down, I'm new to this community and I just need pointed in the right direction.  

I'm sure my script will be destroyed by all when it's posted, and I look forward to that.  

Bert, do you have some recommended reading for me?

Thanks.  


Bringing nothing to the table since 1977.




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bert
Posted: April 23rd, 2006, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rooney
I meant to sound excited that I found a good a script.


Heh...yeah...no doubt -- glad you took it as friendly advice to the new guy as opposed to something personal.  I assure you it was the former.


Quoted from rooney
...do you have some recommended reading for me?


The link below is a "best of" awards thing someone is trying to organize -- with varying degrees of enthusiasm from the community at large --

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-Chat/m-1145621329/

I can't vouch for all of the stuff there -- but you'll find more good stuff from Breanne -- and a nice, broad sampling of "popular" scripts that previous readers have enjoyed -- all separated by genre.

Sorry about the additional clutter on your thread, Brea.  (We should stop now, Rooney -- trust me -- you don't want to incur the wrath of Breanne   )


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!

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bert  -  April 23rd, 2006, 1:17pm
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: April 23rd, 2006, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
Sorry about the additional clutter on your thread, Brea.  (We should stop now, Rooney -- trust me -- you don't want to incur the wrath of Breanne   )



I’m not mean. I’m nice - say it, Bert! Say it! Say I’m nice!!!

Actually, it’s okay. I’ve come to think of this phenomena of new people starting off kind of rocky as finding a place, testing boundaries, etc.


Hi Rooney,

Thank you for reading and commenting.

First off, Tomson’s right. Calling the majority of scripts here garbage does discourage people from posting. And that’s a shame. I support Don’s decision not to make this place exclusive because there are too many exclusive organizations to keep out new writers already.

With that said, the problem here is not the site, it’s the inexperience of some of the writers. Some writers post work that is not their best effort. And that buries other scripts in a seemingly endless pile. Also, some writers just aren’t really serious about their writing.

If you’ve been trying to toil through countless scripts, you should consider a new way of picking them. I don’t read too many bad scripts and here’s why and how:

Why? I don’t have time to read them all and I want the best experience I can get. The better the quality of the scripts I do read, the better I myself will improve - so I make looking for good scripts a priority.

How do I find them? By participating. By hanging around, getting involved, reading posts and looking for the signs of quality. I use intuitive thinking. I look for writers who are serious about the craft. Writers who are organized, intelligent, and creative.

I’ll use Bert as an example (because I love using Bert): If you read Bert’s posts, you can surmise that he’s intelligent with a good vocabulary. He writes well and has good sentence structure. Creatively, his posts are often quite witty. Wit is a talent that requires a lot of ideas being juggled in the head at once. This tells me that Bert’s scripts will be well crafted with diverse descriptions and saturated with interesting and creative vignettes.

Once I read Bert’s work and find out that I was in fact correct about his skills, I can pat myself on the back for my intuitive skills and know that I’ve found a writer that will be dependable for turning out quality work - unless he goes insane and writes something like “Plan Nine From Outer Space II” or something.




In response to your comments:

In Yellow Eyes’ first scene, he is described as a sinewy young man of nineteen with spooky eyes. Sinewy as in lean, tough, muscular, and forceful. At nineteen, he’s still a teen but quite grown. I left out the description of being tall because he was sitting at his introduction. Perhaps I should have made that clear at some point early on.

My intent was for him to be imposing and somewhat frightening in appearance. To stand out as a sort of alpha male who was definitely the dominant one of the group. Obviously I failed.

It was also my intent that he come off as rather unstable mentally.

Trevor was described as paunchy - that is to say overweight and somewhat out of shape. My intent was to present Trevor (and Julia) as very stable people. In the scene where Trevor and Yellow Eyes meet, Trevor handles the situation as well as any stable man could be expected to when being confronted with a muscular young man with a knife. Yellow Eyes would also have been muddy from having just murdered Mud Boy.

I’m not sure what you mean by “he ran away.” By my reading, Trevor confronted Yellow Eyes in order to protect Julia and Yellow Eyes stabbed and murdered him.

The Kubrick remark could not have been more complimentary. I’m most flattered and appreciative of that. Thank you.

Again, thanks for commenting and I’m glad you made it all the way through. I should point out, by the way, that I’ve had comments in the past from posters claiming to be unable to finish one of my own scripts so I too have been accused of producing poor work. It really is a subjective thing. One person may love what another calls garbage. You’ve shown some humility in your response to Bert and Tomson. That will serve you well, both as a member and as a writer.





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Breanne Mattson  -  April 23rd, 2006, 9:53pm
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Balt
Posted: May 18th, 2006, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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What's a script posted without a review from Balt? Well, the year or more that I've been away would probably echo the sentiments of that... However, I'm back and actively reading scripts again and will be posting reviews and such regularly.

As you've always been one of my favorite writers here I'll be reviewing this one for you A.S.A.P.

P.S. even though it's in PDF "lol"

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Breanne Mattson
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Hey Balt,

I humbly await and look forward to your comments, suggestions, or slams.

Brea


P.S. Nice avatar.


P.S.S. Sorry about the PDF. I’ve fallen in love with the look of it.



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Balt
Posted: May 23rd, 2006, 12:04am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Brea... I'm sorry for the 3 day delay in reviewing your script here... Believe me, however, I've got like 4 more reviews to post tonight or tomorrow, so it wasn't by choice.  

Well, here goes...  1st off I've liked everything I've ever read by you. I've read 4 of your scripts to date and all have been the pentacle of whatever genre they represent. Like I said before I couldn't cross genre write... I write horror/thriller stuff and that's it. You seem to span every genre and you do it with ease.

I was scratching my head on your Scifi offering "cause it's a genre I'm not at all schooled on"
I was laughing my ass off at your comedic offering "DICK FLAP... still makes me laugh to this day"
I simply loved your short about yourself... that was a brilliant little move on your part...

And now it brings me to this one... A drama... that was more twisted and deep than most drama's I've come to read "lol"

Your dialogue is very good... it always was, but it seems to have gotten even better. I think the hook (FOR ME) was the scene with the Psychiatrist and Rachel... it wasn't a lengthy scene but it was a real scene and the dialogue was so spot on and real. It was like an actual conversation taken from a session and that scene really stood out for me... it kept me reading (OTHER THAN THE FACT IT WAS A BREA SCRIPT)

The Hal and Mud Boy scuffle was really powerful too... You introduce us to these characters in a very Magnolia/Playing By heart kind of way... and, to me, those are always the best movies... when dealing with Drama and Character heavy stories.

The names you gave the younger members of your cast were very creative... I don't know if you seen the original (SEMI-GOOD) HILLS HAVE EYES... but they all had catchy names like Jupiter and mars and such and so forth and so on and it made them stand out that much more. Sort of like Mr. Blond and Mr. ORANGE from Reservoir dogs... your names gave the characters a personality they wouldn't have had otherwise. I applaud you on your name sof choice... However abstract they might've been "lol"

So many things in this movie would actually make me question if it was a drama at all... but your characters are so well versed and deep that it can be a drama, however, some of the events that unfold in this thing are really great in a disturbing fashion... Some of your scenes have the shock factor of a horror movie and then some of your scenes have the heart of a drama... So, yeah, it's tough call on this one. "LOL"

I can't remember a time when I read a script that covered so much ground. I'd hate to think about the hours and planning this thing took to write, actually... Your scenes weave in and out of poetic conversations and monologues to revenge "so to speak" to torture and into a whole new direction all together... one would scratch their head if reading all of this and think "WHAT THE HELL KIND OF SCRIPT IS IT???" but when you read it it just flows so well that you don't even take a second glance back at all the places you've been until the end.

Your log line... just doesn't fit this movie. It does and it doesn't, cause the trip here is on us and, in a way, it's almost as if you're taking us on an acid trip at the same time. This is a bizarre script.  Aliens, Giant Grasshopper's, Stabbings, Dreams, Rockets, Superheros, Torture... abuse... Religion... The list goes on and on and on with all the ground you covered in this one.

I think it's one you can't really rate cause it's so different when you stack it next to another script. You've wrote a script that simply has nothing else to go off of. This is a movie that is as unique and diverse as they come and you should be proud of that fact... It seems you got a lot of people on board to read this one but I can see the delay of some people not wanting to read it after a few pages... cause it simply wasn't for everyone.

I loved the 1st 57 pages (MYSELF) those were the best ... Then the movie got really out there, but then it all came back to an incredible ending that made everything seem relevant... but only for a moment or two "lol"

I can tell you like Science fiction a great deal and even though this wasn't an all out Si-Fi flick... I'm hard pressed to maybe not even call it a drama.  I read it in parts and I hate doing that so I'm going to read from pages 50 to 99 over again, just to see if I can pick up on more of what you were going for here.

It was more bizarre than Donnie Darko, Jagged Edges, Clock Work Orange and Tommy put together and to me that's a winner.

Baltis~
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: May 23rd, 2006, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Balt
"WHAT THE HELL KIND OF SCRIPT IS IT???"


Now, this is a quotable line from a review -- haha!


Quoted from Balt
Your log line... just doesn't fit this movie. It does and it doesn't, cause the trip here is on us and, in a way, it's almost as if you're taking us on an acid trip at the same time. This is a bizarre script.


Yeah, the logline is not too grand. I was never too good at that. The basic rule for me is: the longer the better. I write feature lengths better than anything. I feel like I’ve got room to move. That’s why I don’t write many shorts. I find them somewhat claustrophobic. And loglines - They’re just painstaking.

It’s a tough challenge to balance being creative and original with having a coherent story. There are only about twenty basic plots. The only way to break down the convention is to break down the cohesion of the story. If you get too formulaic, you get too predictable. If you get to abstract, the lack of familiarity or anything for the reader/viewer to relate to is diminished. My secret, if I have such a thing, would be to sort of mix and mingle conventional plots while telling the story in a way that sort of disguises the true conventionality. Not too unlike a magic trick.


Quoted from Balt
I'd hate to think about the hours and planning this thing took to write, actually...


As far as the planning; yeah, this script d*mn near drove me to madness. I think the effect is very nearly what I had in mind. It’s down to maybe a few very minor changes now.

I do improve in leaps and bounds. When I read this, it almost makes me feel embarrassed about some of my earlier work. My next script, hopefully, will pale this one. For my next one, I had to take some time off work just to do research! Working out the details of the storyline is driving me crazy! I wouldn’t have it any other way, though.

Thanks for reading, Balt. For all the quivering over your reviews, you’ve always been so kind and supportive to me. I appreciate that.


Brea



EDIT: A quote from Balt’s review has been added to the first post for advertising purposes.




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bert
Posted: May 23rd, 2006, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Breanne Mattson
My secret, if I have such a thing....


Oh, Brea's got secrets, alright....call it a hunch...

And one lousy quote??  Where's mine?

You can maybe use this graphic I found as a header for the quotes -- I think it suits the piece, no?




Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: May 23rd, 2006, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
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Here are just a few of the amazing comments made about this script:



Quoted from Balt
"WHAT THE HELL KIND OF SCRIPT IS IT???"







Quoted from greg
It's on my to-do list,…



Quoted from bert
The reader must force themselves through the early pages, as it seems almost nonsensical,…



Quoted from Martin
If anyone's bored…, check this one out.



Quoted from Mr.Z
Not sure about this.



Quoted from Shelton
…whoa, is this out there…one of the most bizarre I've ever read.



Quoted from Kevan
Where the Hell did you pull that story from?



Quoted from mgj
There did appear to be some sort of cohesive story in there somewhere...



read something by Bert, His scripts are quite good.



Quoted from May_Dupquote
I wen back scool to lern to red just so I culd reade this scrip!






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Breanne Mattson  -  May 24th, 2006, 12:46am
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