Devil in D Minor, The by Breanne Mattson - Drama - Surreal portrait of maladjusted teens who gather for an acid party with tragic results. 99 pages. - pdf, format

It's on my to-do list, just so ya know.

Hey, great. I’m a little nervous about this one. I’m afraid I may have gone off the deep end this time. I hope it’s not too weird.

Well, Brea, this one is probably getting overlooked because of your crappy logline.  But, unlike some others that have claimed their work to be “indescribable”, this one just might fit that bill.  I can see how you would have a hard time with this one.

The reader must force themselves through the early pages, as it seems almost nonsensical, until the story reaches a point where it begins to make its own kind of sense -- and then the momentum carries you forward.  It has kind of a “Naked Lunch” vibe to it (not the movie, but the book – are you familiar with that one?).  Only not so completely whacked.

I wouldn’t say you’ve gone “too far” with this one by any means.  I mean, it is what it is.  And it is a unique piece of work.

I read as much as anybody around here, I think, and I’ve never read anything quite like this.

I don’t have many comments for you, Brea, because as I progressed through the story, I decided to retract many of the things I had said earlier.

And there are spoilers below, I guess, but that doesn’t matter much for a story like this.  This piece is more something that you experience while reading as opposed to a conventional story.

(SPOILERS?)

*  “He’s kind of a drug head.”  I don’t think the unhippest parents in the world would use this phrase.
*  “A mess that needs to be cleaned badly”.  Haha.  I think you mean “cleaned well”.  Rearrange this sentence.
*  “Everything around you is ashes, laid to rest in the wake of Red Rachel.”  This is beautiful dialogue.  I lingered over this line for a good 10 seconds.
*  The conversation on page 33/34, particularly with Mud Boy.  Man, this stuff is starting to ring pretty true -- but let’s just leave it at that, shall we?  
*  Later, though, while singing the “come out now” song -- I didn’t care for that.  But then, I never like it in movies when people burst into spontaneous song.  Some people like it.  I don't.  It’s a peeve of mine.
*  I am starting to sense a little baggage in the religion department, too, aren’t I?  You are all over the place with this one, Brea.  But that’s OK.
*  Yellow eyes should definitely have something better to say to the priest when they meet in the hospital room.  Remember that scene in Blade Runner, where Roy finally meets his maker?  Something like that.
*  When Yellow Eyes refers to Rachel as a “superhero” to the Inquisitors (see how these aren’t really spoilers at all?), that seems too anachronistic.  Choose another word here.

So, anyways -- to the people around here who are serious about reading some truly unique work -- this one deserves a look.  And I am not just being a wussy pushover because she liked The Farm, either.  I think you'll see that if you read it.  Good, good stuff, Brea.

Bert,

Thanks for the read. I figured it was getting overlooked because it’s in the Drama genre. But, yeah, the logline doesn’t help. I would never submit such a logline to a producer but I haven’t been able to come up with a decent replacement.

The line was, “He’s a drug head, isn’t he?” but I see what you mean.

I meant “A mess that needs to be cleaned badly” as in that it was badly in need of being cleaned but again, point taken.

The peeve about the singing; do you mean singing as in a musical? Or any kind such as like just two idiots who were messed up singing which is what occurs here?

Yes, the superhero expression was definitely out of the period. That’s why the bishops didn’t understand it and believed he was talking about a priestess. I see your point, though. I can see how it could rouse readers from the period they’re currently in.

No, I’m not familiar with “ Naked Lunch” but yes, I remember the scene from “Blade Runner.” Rutger Hauer is very hard to forget when he has a good role.

I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to just not get slammed, Bert. I just wasn’t sure what to make of this script myself at times. I struggled over what it all meant at times. It was perhaps the strangest experience I’ve ever had writing anything.

And thank you so much for your very kind words.

Damn, your crappy logline sounds a lot like my life haha. I'll be checking this out, but don't expect me to be nice, people might talk y'know

Quoted from Breanne Mattson The peeve about the singing; do you mean singing as in a musical?

No, people are supposed to sing in a musical, and you go in expecting it.

I mean in a regular old movie where people are just walking along or driving in the car and they suddenly start singing a song for no discernable reason.  For example, "Show me the way to go home" in Jaws.  What the hell was that all about?  It was out of character for all three of them, if you ask me.

I've never done this, and I've never seen anyone else do it, either.  It is so false.  It drives me nuts, and takes me right out of the story every time.

But like I said, some people are fine with it, and since they do it so often, some people must actually like it.

Well, Brea, i don't want to sound like a crazed fan but you've done it again. I think this is on a par with KTPNTY. It's one of the most original scripts I've read. I've been toying with the idea of an acid trip script for a while but never quite figured out how I'd do it. I think you nailed it. The paranoia, confusion and hallucinations add up to a bizarre ride and I couldn't put it down. I really like your poetic descriptions and dialogue. It's just a pleasure to read.

As for the logline, I can't help you. I've no idea how to boil this story down to a workable pitch. I reckon you could pitch this as a horror movie of sorts. I mean, it's a powerful drama but it's also pretty scary in places.

A few notes:

pg. 33-34: Mud Boy's confused dialogue rings so true. Well written.

Typo pg 37 "you're not boyfirend"

You've obviously done some research. Yellow Eyes is a really interesting character. I actually learnt something.

"JULIA: Oh my God, Trevor, I'm so scared"

Is this necessary? Maybe you can do this without dialogue or at least change it to something less obvious.

Again:

"JULIA: Oh my God, Trevor. They're crazy."

So far, I'm not really liking Julia and Trevor. Maybe that's the idea. The kind of detachment people get from those who aren't sharing their trip.

Mud Boy wallowing in the mud, haha

Pg. 44 I really like the scene with Harold and Myrna as bird and cat, especially how Myrna's the cat. It's symbolic of their relationship (i think). You might want to consider making things clearer e.g. HAROLD/BIRD as your character heading. I've no idea if this is accepted practice but it would make it clearer for me.

I'm pretty sure singing should be in italics. You might wanna check on that. For the record, I thought the singing was pretty cool but maybe a little too much. I guess it's hard to imagine what it sounds like when you just read the lyrics. The lyrics are generally good though.

The flashback scene with the priest is just plain creepy. Powerful and cleverly written.

Page 51. Wow, things are really kicking off now. I'm liking this more and more.

For me, Trevor and Julia are the weak link so far. The rest of the characters are so unique and alive, it makes these two feel so flat. EDIT: Julia gets better later on.

You've got some great visuals here. I especially like Rachel's flashback with the cocaine and the grasshopper.

pg 62-63 - great poetic dialogue from Yellow Eyes.

JULIA: I can't go any further - this line isn't needed

The scene with the Priest on page 75 could use some tighter dialogue. I'm not sure what exactly but stuff like "the problem with that is that it's not good enough" sounds awkward.

OMG, the officer shooting himself in the head is so twisted. I love it. How the hell do you think this shit up?

I love the ending with the priest and torture machine but something bothered me about the montage and the VO. I guess you felt you needed to explain things, but most of it I'd already figured out (i think). It felt a bit dumbed down when Yellow Eyes explains each character and what they represent but maybe it's necessary.

Yellow Eyes is a great character. I was reminded of Union Tear from KTPNTY. I actually think it's cool how your male characters are quite effeminate. You're playing to your strengths.

Overall, I'm really impressed. It's so imaginative and visual with a great dreamlike quality. I have no idea how you think this stuff up (actually maybe I have).

If anyone's bored of reading the same old cliched horror scripts, check this one out.

Quoted from Martin It felt a bit dumbed down when Yellow Eyes explains each character and what they represent but maybe it's necessary.

I stopped short of saying pretty much exactly the same thing.

You don't really need it.  And maybe you do need it.

And that's why I didn't comment on it at all.  Until Martin felt the same way.

Hey Martin,

Wow. What a review. I can’t be anything other than extremely flattered. Thank you so much. I still think you’re the greatest writer in the world….hehe

You are absolutely right about lyrics being in italics. I screwed up there. Thanks for catching me. I kind of knew it didn’t look right but it just never occurred to me.

All of your suggestions are fantastic and I’ll do just as you say.

Part of the reason it started becoming more literal at the end with the montage is because I was afraid it had gotten away from me and that it had perhaps begun to lose cohesiveness. That’s one of the purposes that Trevor and Julia were to serve. Now, it seems that perhaps my attempts to ground it worked to its disadvantage and only served to pull the reader out of the story. I certainly never intended to dumb it down. That montage scene was added later and I can certainly fix that easily enough.

As to how I think this stuff up….well, it all started when I fell into that vat of toxic chemicals…


Martin, Bert,

Both you guys are ace reviewers and, to be honest, I really sincerely believe that coming here and hanging around with quality writers has done a great deal to make me a better writer.

Thanks guys.

Breanne

Hi Breanne, the inverse psychology marketing technique in your sig worked fine with me, so here I am.

Great format and scene efficency made this a fast read. The story was weird. Some bits were too weird for my taste but I enjoyed most of the script because the weirdness had a clever logical subtext in it. At first the story seems like a Teen Drug Drama, but then evolves into something pretty original and unique.

While reading the first pages and with so many characters appearing, I was afraid I could suffer the “Who was that guy?” syndrome, but the script proved me wrong. Each character was pretty well developed and had its own individuality.

There were some very creepy flashbacks which I liked, specially Rachel´s.

For all this reasons, and despite the fact that this genre is not my cup of tea, I enjoyed reading your work.

The logline is well written but it doesn´t ring like a logline; it sounds more like the kind of thing you can read in the back cover of a novel. I can understand why you had troubles to build a logline for this script. Loglines usually tell us about who is the protagonist and what´s his/her goal, and this script doesn´t have a clear protagonist (except for the last pages where Yellow Eyes and Rachel rise above the other characters in terms of protagonism). I would suggest to build the logline around Yellow Eyes´struggle to differentiate between real and hallucination.


Some very minor details that caught my attention:

SPOILERS

P.1: When writing scenes that are part of a continuous action (like your first 4 scenes) it isn´t really neccesary to write DAY or NIGHT in every slugline. For example you could do it like this:

“EXT. ROAD - DAY
The maintenance man´s truck drives along.

INT. TRUCK
The old man looks curiously ahead as the vehicle slows.”


P.2: MAINTENANCE MAN
(grouchy; to himself)

I would suggest removing “to himself”, there´s nobody else there.

P.3 UNSEEN PATIENT.

Not very sure about this one. Caps are used to introduce new characters or to emphasize a certain object, but  you get to "see" the character or the object. I doubt if it´s correct to capitalize someone who´s not supposed to be seen by the reader.

P.5 I think the scene with the psychiatrist has too much description. There´s no need to tell what the characters are wearing unless there´s a good reason for it. Later on the script, the guys are impressed about Rachel´s look, so in that case is relevant to tell how she´s dressed and how gorgeous she looks. But here I can´t see a reason. You have like 13 lines before Rachel starts talking with the shrink; the scene would work faster and better if you loose some of the previous descriptions.

p.10 You have some lines in parenthicals which should be action lines, IMO. For example, when Birdie sighs annoyed.

p.12 I play the electric guitar. I know what you´re talking about here. But many people (including producers) won´t have a clue about C, F, Dm, etc. I doubt how many people in an audience could gather that Yellow strikes "D minor" a couple of times. I would suggest to loose all the technical details; the only relevant information is that Yellow Eyes is “rocking pretty good, not sounding half bad” and it doesn´t matter which notes he´s exactly playing. Just for the record, I believe you found a very clever way to format this, despite the fact I believe this information is not needed.

p.44. The Bird vs. Cat scene. Great. A weird, funny and clever representation of the relation between Birdie´s parents. One of my favourites bits.

p.46 “Yellow Eyes calls out after her”
It´s redundant,  IMO, since that´s made clear in Yellow´s inmediate dialogue.

p.48/51 For every writer that agrees with me on this, I find 10 that don´t, but here it goes in case you belong to the minority. I don´t think it´s correct to write FLASHBACK in scripts just before one is starting.

When watching a movie in the theatre, the screenwriter isn´t there to tell you “Hey, a flashback is coming”. You got to figure it out by yourself based on the information you see on screen (i.e. a character who died in the first minute of the movie, is now alive and kicking, like in The Exorcism of Emily Rose). This flashback is easy to catch, but sometimes writing a flashback is a very difficult thing, like the one you wrote about Yellow Eyes.

I mean, suddenly we are not at the overlook anymore, we are in a classroom, and while the script says that we´re looking at young Yellow Eyes, the audience will be looking at another actor, an unknown kid. It´s the writer´s job to connect both scenes, so the audience can figure out what´s going on. You did a good job here: the kid has yellow eyes. The connection is simple and perfect.  But what if you didn´t write well this scene? What if you didn´t include any information to connect present and past? The reader would surely know it was a flashback (the script clearly states it is), but the audience (who won´t get the chance to read the script) would think “What was that scene about?”

Bottom line: if a flashback is well written, I think it´s redundant to write “flashback” in the script. If it´s not well written, I think it´s a way of cheating by putting information on paper that couldn´t translate on screen.

P.54 The alien talking backwards. Lol. Crazy stuff.

p.63 I agree with Martin about losing Julia´s “I can´t go any further” Her inmediate actions make that clear.

p.69 INSTANT NEW SCENE

Not sure about this. Every slugline implies an “instant new scene”. Maybe you could try something like INT. STAGE - LATER (?)

p.77 INT./EXT. ROOM/BALCONY - DAY
I understood this scene. No problem. But I´m not sure if this is the correct way to format it. I would suggest another slug: INTERCUT BETWEEN ROOM AND BALCONY

Well, nothing more to add. I hope some of these comments are useful to you.

I've loved the other stuff of yours I've read so far, Breanne. I'll be sure to give this a read as soon as I have an opportunity.

Okay, I'm done.

Another great read. Even though it went pretty far out at times, it still felt coherent throughout. And I love the dark stuff. Good job!

I don't really know what to say that hasn't already been said. INSTANT NEW SCENE is a bizzare way to move on. I'm not really sure what would make a suitable substitute though.

I agree with Dr. Mabuse about the characters being spelled out at the end though I would actually suggest leaving it out. I've always felt it better to leave those kinds of things up to interpretation and if people REALLY need to have it spelled out for them, they can ask.

All in all, another great read. I really enjoy your writing. Look forward to your future works.

Hey Mr. Z,

Thanks for the read and critique. I’m getting a lot of really solid advice on this thread. Some of it may be that I’m receiving criticism better, I don’t know, but it seems like I’m getting a lot of good guidance.

The only thing I could really disagree with you on is Rachel with the psychiatrist. You may be right but I would at least like to explain what her appearance and behavior was supposed to represent.

Rachel suffers from a severe type of depression. To others, she’s a beautiful young lady but to herself she’s a detestable monster. She is shy and barely speaks when she finally does. She dresses as though she doesn’t care. Even later, it was Birdie who bathed her, dressed her and pulled her hair back off her face.

The light is something she fears. There are several scenes where light blares in as though foreign such as the scene in the park where the lamp comes on and Rachel freaks out and starts seeing demons.

Anyway, just some thoughts to explain. Your advice will be used in subsequent rewrites.

Thanks,

Breanne

James,

Yeah, the instant new scene thing was a liberty I took. It didn’t seem right to just say later when something was instantaneous. I was trying to capture the feel for it and keep it flowing but it sounds as though, based on feedback from you and other posters, it did the opposite and caused a snare. I’ll do some research and see if I can find a better way.

The montage near the end was added because people expressed that some of the script “Kill the Person Next to You” was too confusing. So now it looks like I went too far the opposite direction. I’ll narrow it down one day and maybe some day I’ll even achieve that balance between the creative and the technical.

Thank you very much for the feedback.

Breanne

Breanne,

Just finished this up, and whoa, is this out there.

I think you did a really fantastic job in painting these random visions/hallucinations against a backdrop of flashbacks, really showing just how screwed up these people are.

A few things:

Pg. 17 - I'm thankful I wasn't around for the Protestant Reformation.

Pg. 18 - They exchange "heys".  Is this dialogue, or like a nod or something?

Pg. 50 - John and Mary Magdalene the same person?  Is this an actual theory that's out there somewhere?

Pg. 64 - Rachel says "It's nopt right to have children?".  It seemed like it shouldn't have been a question.

And me personally, I liked the ending, but I'm suprised that nobody has complained about it being a dream.  That could be because the context of it is much different than the norm.

But, anyway, I just wanted to give you a little feedback, and let you know that this was a good script, and perhaps one of the most bizarre I've ever read.


Mike

Mike,

Thanks for the review. Congratulations. You caught a punctuation error. I was beginning to think for a minute that I may have actually written something that was grammatically perfect. Thanks for ruining my daydream - just kidding. Thanks for helping me.

Quoted from Shelton They exchange "heys".  Is this dialogue, or like a nod or something?

Such things are usually just reflexive responses and devoid of any real emotion so I just thought it would be better not to waste the readers time with written dialogue. I didn’t think it mattered one way or the other.

Quoted from Shelton John and Mary Magdalene the same person?  Is this an actual theory that's out there somewhere?

Yes, at one time, such a theory did exist. What is known is that occasionally women have pretended to be men in order to gain some of the social benefits men have historically enjoyed. There’s a recent film called “Osama” (not as in bin Laden) about a young girl who disguises herself as a boy just to survive in a strict Islamic society. Historically, it’s not all that uncommon.

There has been speculation as to the gender of the person next to Jesus in the Da Vinci painting. It’s debatable as to whether it’s Mary or John. It’s difficult to say with any certainty because Da Vinci was known for messing with the minds of religious people.

Quoted from Shelton I'm suprised that nobody has complained about it being a dream.

Or was it? How can you tell? How do you know you’re not “real” when you dream and dreaming when you’re awake? Seriously, though, I don’t know any other way it could end.


Thanks for the input. I’m planning on reading stuff by all the posters on this thread. I’m working on a project right now and then I’m going to read The Scorsese Club. After that, Abattoir. And then, one of yours Mike.

Mr. Z, I’m sorry but I don’t really know who you are or what you’ve written. If you can tell me, I’ll add you to the list. It’s going to take a bit because I’m swamped but I’ll get to it someday (not the someday that people say to pacify people but the real one that actually comes).

Anyway, Thanks Mike. Very much appreciated.

I would like to be on your read list, if you have the time. I have only one script submitted: The Ghost in Red, in the short section. Thanks, breanne.

Quoted from Mr.Z I would like to be on your read list, if you have the time. I have only one script submitted: The Ghost in Red, in the short section.

Ask and you shall receive. Done.

No problem. Whenever you get ‘round to it is fine.

Ahahah scratch one off my to-do list.

Let's see, echoing everyone here, this is one of the most bizarre, jumbled, strangely intensified pieces I've read on this site.  There have been shorts that are kind of like this with people going on acid trips, but none of them last 95 pages and go into so much detail.  I think what sets this aside is the overall creativity that's brought to each scene.  It seemed that virtually every sequence and piece of dialogue in this was significant.  But significant to what?  That's kind of what this story does--it messes with your mind so you're along for the ride with the main characters.

To start, I love your choice of names.  Yellow Eyes, Birdie, Mud Boy--they obviously stand out and it's not the same old thing with everyday names.

I laughed once during this story, and it was probably at one of the most inapproporiate times.  On page 8 when Hal says "Oh, you fucked up now you little punk!  You fucked up!" I don't know why I would laugh at that line, but I did.  It's like the use of the word inferno in Shelton's or Newcomer's works.

Okay, on to real shtuff.  From the beginning when you're introducing the characters one by one, I thought this would be about some teenagers obsessed with sex and drugs, kind of on the road of "Kids," but you quickly moved away from that, so everything aside, I enjoyed the intros.

One thing I noticed is that these teens come from horrible homes and backgrounds which triggers their behavior.  Now, by the end of this when Rachel wakes up, I don't actually know if these guys were real or if it was all just in Rachel's mind.  This script was that far out there!

The dialogue between Mud Boy and Yellow Eyes on page 23 where Muddy is talking about his black eye is top notch, same with the dialogue where Mud Boy is ripping on Birdie.

Now onto the hallucinations.  Ya know, this is where I could go either way.  If this was produced, I don't know how well the hallucinations could translate onto film.  You've got a giant grasshopper, a fire breathing dragon, aliens, giant puzzle pieces, even some animation.  Granted they were all beautifully written and the imagery was very well described, I don't know how well they'd work on screen.  Since this is a bold piece, they'd really add to the complexity, so maybe everything would work out.

Dialogue between Julia and Rachel on page 64 is top notch.  For the most part, Trevor and Julia are likeable, but when put up against the trips of the other four, I can see where I think it was Bert was saying that they could be dull.  That's the beauty of the story though.

The last two scenes of Yellow Eyes in the hospital and the torture chamber had some really powerful shtuff.  The officer blowing his head off--wow!  The worm in Yellow Eyes' brain--I love it.  By the end though I couldn't figure out if the priest really did do some unthinkable acts to a young Yellow Eyes or not, but then again by the end I didn't know who was real and who wasn't.

The four main characters in this were all very well developed.  Yellow Eyes gives us some graphic but interesting information.  The spikes in the ass thing is something I'm never going to forget hahaha.

Overall, this is one of the most out there pieces on this site.  Wildly imaginative and beautifully written.  I think what I liked the most was that there was always something going on.  I didn't really find any slow scenes that built up crap to bore the reader.  No, everything in this had a purpose, all 95 pages.  Very well done, a winner all the way.

Thanks guys,

I’ve made revisions and fixed everything that everyone mentioned.


Greg,

Yeah, I’m not much for meaningless scenes. Even if I just want to show more of a character’s personality, I always try to write the scenes so that they serve some purpose to the story.

Kevan,

I get asked frequently where stuff I write comes from. Hmm. I had a very lonely childhood - hahaha

Everywhere, I suppose. Dreams, sometimes. But believe it or not, the majority of my ideas come while doing mundane tasks like cleaning. Things where I’m occupied but my mind is free to roam.

Also, I love observing people. Sometimes I wish I was a ghost and could just watch people talking to themselves when they thought no one else was around.

I don’t use any formatting program. I do it the old fashioned way. I do use spell check but I don’t trust it. I meticulously proofread myself again and again.


With all the great advice I‘ve received, rewriting this was quite easy. The logline is even beginning to take some shape. Now it’s time for me to write a synopsis…..

Kevan,

I’m still tinkering with a couple of scenes I’m not sure about. I try not to rush these kinds of things. I’m usually pretty quick initially and then slow with rewrites and proofreads. My general rule of writing is that if there’s anything at all about a scene I’m not certain about, it needs to be changed so I’m kind of meditating on some things, letting it stew so to speak.

I’ll post a newer revision sometime when I feel better about it.

Thanks for the detailed information. I’ll use it. I don’t get my hopes up, though. I’ve entered competitions before and I’ve never once so much as even placed. “Kill the Person Next to You” was once beaten by scripts with titles like “Mime Cop” and  “The Bottom of the Laundry Basket.” So you can see why I don’t get excited anymore.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson “Mime Cop”

Are you kidding???  That's brilliant!!!

You never stood a chance...

It may very well be brilliant, Bert. I suppose you’ll get to see it in the theater one day, after which it may become a nationwide phenomenon.

the new logline is very very nice. I'm not sure how it well it describes the script as I haven't read it yet but it's next in line after wilburs dining. I've been slow with getting to scripts so far as I've been busy with school but I'm excited for this. But yes, the logline is now alot more appealing and will give people a good idea of what's going on. I will post a review when I'm done
-Matt

Okay, scratch that last post, I got to reading the beginning now and well, I'm going to finish it since I have time. As with all my reviews I type as I read so I'll just point out everything that I enjoy and don't enjoy and then sum it all up at the end.

Spoilers Throughout
Here we go

--I like the line where the detective asks the guy to come out. I laughed out loud at that part

--pg 12: the dialogue between Myrna and Harold seems off. I think the wife swearing seems unnecessary and out of character which is weird since she's only just been introduced. Maybe that's just me but it just doesn't seem like the right kind of dialogue.

--that part is disguisting with the spikes and the raping. If that is true then just.. yuck. haha and if not then I guess you have a knack for coming up with stories that disturb me  

--your descriptions are very good. I can picture everything with the grasshopper scene. No complaints so far. It is very weird but, I like weirdness in my scripts as long as everything is backed up so hopefully you don't let me down.

--Hmmm... I feel bad that I'm on page 40 and I don't really have anything to say. So far it's flowing nicely and the trips are explained well. I can tell some things are out of order with the psychiatrist deal and the coma person at the beginning. I'm also wondering what Julia and Trevor have to do with it but yeah, once again no complaints at this point.

--oh pg 41 and the tripping teens meet Trevor and Julia haha. I guess that is a good thing. It seems that right when I was thinking 'how does it tie together' it starts. A sign of good pacing right there.

--i was confusing with the flashback with rachel. Was the white power supposed to show that she had done drugs or something? she didn't appear too freaked out if that was the case, maybe she only just tasted it or something? is that what you were implying? She speaking normal so this scene kind of confused me

--Hmmmm I will admit I am getting a little confused right after Yellow eyes kills Trevor but as long as it's explained later that's not a bad thing. Just pointing it out.

--Okay, so I just finished this and I don't really know what to say that hasn't been said it.
It's original and very well written. I feel like such an idiot spending 80 bucks on script writing software when you formatted all this yourself as it's perfect.

Anyway, I have a few questions. What is with the beginning? I don't think I fully understand the man at the beginning and what he saw. Maybe I missed something big but yeah. Secondly, the ending did confuse me. I really don't know who was real now in the script. It was implied that Rachel was the only real one but now I'm not sure about Trevor and Julia. Ah heck... In fact I am confused about alot but I appear to be the only one. I mean it made sense in some parts and I can tell that there is some meaning to this as I get the main idea but I don't think I'm peicing it all together 100 percent. If you don't want to explain your story on this thread could you please PM? I'd like to know exactly what was going on to piece all this together. I'll definetly give it another read and try to work out some things myself but I wanted to give you some initial feedback after my first read
end spoilers

So, I am glad I got around to reading this. You are a very creative and original writer and although the story didn't make total sense to me I can tell that that is more of a fault on my part and not yours. I liked this one, and will read it again and like everyone else it's a good reccomended read. Sorry if my feedback wasn't that helpful. I didn't notice anything particulary wrong so there's no suggestions to really fix anything. I'm just telling you I enjoyed it I guess

-Matt

Quoted from sfpunk I'd like to know exactly what was going on to piece all this together.

Hey SF,

Thanks for reading. I’m not surprised you found it confusing. I get that reaction a lot.

This script is both a script and a puzzle. To try to explain it, I first have to point out a few trademarks of my writing.

1) I use a lot of symbolism. Everything means something or represents something and sometimes ethereal things.

2) There’s almost always a pregnant woman or a baby somewhere in all my scripts. On the positive side, the pregnancy/baby always represents life, or the cycle of life, renewal, immortality, indestructibility, or triumph. On the negative side, a baby’s death or demise represents the death of all life, decay, nonexistence, or impending doom.

3) There’s always a depressed or suicidal character who is maladjusted and has difficulty in public. Oftentimes, there’s a particular scene where that character is invited into public by associates and refuses even though he/she really wants to go.

4) There’s always a main character who falls or is broken.

5) There’s almost always a sage character who refuses to resort to violence.

6) There’s almost always a character who crosses the line and becomes violent.


With that said, the following spoilers literalize the script and could destroy the feel of the experience so for those who enjoy experiential stories, you may want to avoid the following:

Sorry. I’m going to have to break this up over a few posts.

***SPOILERS GALORE***

The best way to break it down is in three categories; real, mixed between real and hallucination, and detached from reality. The characters progress (or regress if you want) from real to the inability to tell real from hallucination. And in Yellow Eyes’ case, complete detachment.

REAL

All the characters were real. Contrary to the interpretation of some, this was written with the intention that all characters were real people. And yes, the timeline is manipulated.

In the opening scene: the park maintenance man worked for Trevor. Trevor was a former park maintenance man who was promoted to a supervisory position. That is why the old man mentions calling Trevor and having him clean up the mess himself. Trevor, however was already in the park dead.

At first, the old man thought the body in the road was an animal. As he got closer, he saw a second body and realized they were human. Remember there were three people who were down near the gate, Rachel, Julia, and Yellow Eyes.

MIXED BETWEEN REAL AND HALLUCINATION

The four teens were real people. The flashback of Rachel with the cocaine was to show that Rachel’s involvement with drugs started and a very young age. And to reinforce how she ended up being an eighteen year old who suffered from mental illness with hallucinations.

Yellow Eyes also had torturous memories. He struggled with a sexuality dysfunction as the result of a prior molestation. When he saw the homosexual behavior between Mud Boy and Birdie, it triggered his deepest, most repressed memories.

I should note here the importance of music to the story. Music is extremely important to young people during formative years, especially teen years. The teenager’s room (or womb) is a safe haven where a teen can instantaneously simplify the world around him/her. This is why so many teens go to their rooms, shut the door, and crank up music. It is how they shut out the world around them and enter the world they know. I simply could not write a script with teens for main characters without including this paramount component of teen life.

Yellow Eyes’ smashing his guitar symbolized the destruction of something of paramount importance to him. It showed his repressed rage, his willingness to cross the line, and his growing inability to control it.

As the drugs took greater effect, the characters increasingly lost the ability to tell whether what was happening was real or not.

One earlier poster was correct that Trevor and Julia symbolized the effect of a non-participant dragging reality into a high - party poopers, so to speak. They helped show what was real versus what the characters saw in their hallucinogenic states.

COMPLETE DETACHMENT

At some point, the character Yellow Eyes, completely lost touch with reality altogether. In his rage and confusion, he murdered all the other characters.

It’s important to understand the progression into madness that Yellow Eyes went through. The murder scenes with Birdie, Mud Boy, and Trevor fall into the Mixed category but the murder scenes with Rachel and Julia fall into the detached category.

The scenes of Yellow Eyes as a magician is actually Rachel and Julia’s murder scenes. And Julia’s baby (the rabbit), by the way. The scene where Rachel goes into the box and disappears symbolized that Rachel (remember that Rachel and Yellow Eyes previously  indulged each other’s hallucinations) was no longer responsive. She was dead.

The scene with Julia in the box symbolized Yellow Eyes cutting her up. The scene with the dead rabbit was Yellow Eyes discovering the baby in Julia’s womb. This was how Yellow Eyes was seeing the actual events. He could no longer effectively tell the truth from his hallucinations. He had effectively gone mad.

From this point on, what is real and what was not was subjective because we’re no longer dealing with a sane person. The priest from his childhood became the devil of his delusion. He tortured Yellow Eyes the same way the memory had tortured him his whole life, only now the devil had the power to make anything real to Yellow Eyes.

Incidentally, the ending scene is not necessarily Rachel and the whole thing was not necessarily all a dream as some had assumed. It could be Rachel in a real situation out of sequence. Or it could be that Yellow Eyes was no longer himself. The devil had told him that each time he awakened, he would only wake up to a new hell. Also, Yellow Eyes had deduced that the dreamer was a shape-changer. He then deduced that Rachel was the dreamer. However, Rachel was not the shape-changer in the story. It was Yellow Eyes who had the power to change shape in the story.


IN CONCLUSION

I hope this little “explanation” enhances the story for you and doesn’t detract from it. It really is meant to be experiential more so than analyzed. However, there is a method to the madness.

ONE FINAL NOTE WITH REGARDS TO TORTURE

You asked about the torture. Every torture in the script was either real or deviated from a real torture. All of them took place during Medieval times and some of them took place for centuries prior. Some of them even took place for centuries afterward.

During Medieval times, torture was very common and many people became desensitized to it.

The spike-rape torture was a deviation from an actual torture called the Pyramid. The victim was suspended over a pyramid device and then lowered onto it. With this device, the point of the pyramid could penetrate the victim anally while the pyramid could support the victim’s weight just enough to elongate the torture. Yes, it was real.

The Pope’s Pear was a device that was inserted anally into men and either anally or vaginally into women. With the turn of a screw, spiked-tipped leaves would open up and shred the insides of its victims, causing them to bleed to death. The “crime” was usually fornication. Sometimes it was even put into people’s mouths for the sin of blasphemy.

The Break Wheel was also real.

Researching these tortures made me so sick that I literally almost threw up one night. But I am a firm believer that the horrid and despicable things that people have done to each other at various points in history must never be forgotten.

thank you for the explanation
upon reading those i am pretty sure i have a good, firm understanding of the story and how it unfolds in your script... however, i appreciated it nonetheless even though I didn't understand it the first time and it took your explanation, it's not often that a script makes you think and it's not often that i really am blown away by peoples work... I've read alot of good scripts on here from a lot of great writers (partly the reason i started myself) but this one takes the cake as the most original. I know this is your second draft but if you ever do any more rewrites good luck. And if you don't, good luck getting this into the hands of people that can do something as it's obvious you've spent alot of time writing this and it shows. Despite the fact that it's confusing it doesn't detract from the fact that you have created a vivid, well written story that most people can appreciate simply for it's unique and vibrant story and before me it seemed most people got something out of it,
-Matt

Hello Breanne, I just finished reading this script, and you really pulled it off with a creepy story and a bunch of odd characters. I loved it. You did a great job with the character's backround and who they were.

Your plot kept strong for the most part, but there is one thing that kind of made me pull away.

SPOILER

You described Yellow Eyes in the park where he changes into a dragon? I don't know, it just dragged me away from the script for some reason. I have no clue why.

I think your formatting was good as well as the dialogue between the characters. So I guess you could say that I loved this piece of work. Great job Breanne. Do you have any other scripts posted here on this site?

Jimbo

Good job. I must say that again.

Hey Jimbo,

Thanks for the read. Hmm. I don’t know why the dragon pulled you out and not any of the other psychedelic imagery. I may have failed to describe it properly. He was supposed to be “dragon-like.” A sort of cross between human and dragon. A weredragon -- haha.

Yes, I have other scripts posted. I have a couple of sci-fi scripts, “Kill the Person Next to You,” which is a satire on violence so it’s pretty graphic and violent and has really excessive bad language. It’s also a little longer than average but one of the better received.

Then there’s “Metatron,” which is a subtle allegory for spiritual ideas. Also, a little longer.

Then there’s a comedy, “Singles Camp,” (I feel silly even saying the title -- haha) which has done all right review wise though it hasn’t had a lot of viewings.

I’ve also got a couple of shorts, “Personal Demons” and one I forget the name of.

Again, thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it.

Finally I read your script Brea. It was an amazing reading. I've just to say that the first 10 pages it was so boring to me, but after these first pages my interest increased.

Great lines of dialogues was well written. The scenes were very well written also.

Yellow Eyes could be a nice character to be in a type of sole role...He coul be the first druged heroe in the moviemaking story!

Congratulations for this amazing 99 pages of hallucination!

Thanks Helio for the feedback.

I’m sorry the first ten pages bored you, though. If two bloody dead bodies, a comatose murderer, a teenager getting abused by his drunken father, etc., bore you, though, then I’m not sure what I could have done to gain your interest -- haha.

I’m very influenced by Stanley Kubrick’s style of direction. His movies have a lot of stuff that some people find boring but that I find riveting. I know the stuff I write is not for everyone. I didn’t become the failure I am today by writing stuff that everyone loves -- haha.

Thanks for reading.

Brea

My interest doesn't matter, kid (i am type of alterspace experiment) , but you are definitly a great storyteller!

Quoted from Helio My interest doesn't matter, kid (i am type of alterspace experiment) , but you are definitly a great storyteller!

Ahhh, thanks Helio.

Your interest matters to me. I have a pathetic need for people to think I’m a good writer. And an even more pathetic need to actually be one.

Thanks for your kind words. I smile a lot when I read your posts.

Brea

P.S. You’re a type of alterspace experiment? Great! I’m a space child from another plane! We should cross paths sometime.

Okay, okay, Shhhhh! There are lot of people here in this SS jealous about you, kid! They would kill me!

Quoted from Helio Okay, okay, Shhhhh! There are lot of people here in this SS jealous about you, kid! They would kill me!

Hmm. The only thing I’m sure of is that I’m not exactly sure what this means…

All time when you say something kindly and friendly to someone, quickly appear who be jealous about you. That's it!

Hi,
I'm only 20 pages in but so far this is miles above anything else I've seen on this site. I will try and finish it in the next few days and get back to you with some comments.
John Newman

Quoted from Helio All time when you say something kindly and friendly to someone, quickly appear who be jealous about you. That's it!

Ahh, okay. I get it.

Quoted from newman Hi, I'm only 20 pages in but so far this is miles above anything else I've seen on this site. I will try and finish it in the next few days and get back to you with some comments. John Newman

Hi John,

Thank you for the response. And the kind words. I hope the rest of the script can meet that same standard for you.

I'm probably not the right person to review this since the subject matter is so far removed from any of my own personal experiences (apparently I've lived a very sheltered life).  I can however relate to the feelings of confusion and helplessness that these kids felt.  In that sense it was universal.

All of the characters had their own distinct voice which helped to draw me into the story.  It did take me a little while to get into it but once I was able to find its rythm it began to flow smoothly.  I did, however, think that the torture scenes where a bit excessive (and a few other scenes as well) but then again I've never been high on acid before so maybe this is appropriate for the subject matter.

There did appear to be some sort of cohesive story in there somewhere that followed a certain logic to a conclusion so kudos for you on that. To me the ending was the most satisfying.

Hey Mike, thanks for the read and the comments.

You’re the right person to review, I think. I’ll take all the help I can get and your opinion is just as valid as anyone else’s.

Yeah, my writing is a bit on the odd side, I guess. I use a lot of symbolism that tends to mask what would otherwise be obvious. There is a cohesive story buried in there somewhere. If I told you the literal translation, you would probably say, “oh, that’s a pretty basic story.”

The torture scenes may have been excessive. They weren’t just there for the sake of disturbing people, though. They served a purpose to the story. I’m always fascinated with what people are willing to do to other people - how cruel they can be. Torture is beneath enlightened people but the world at large has a long way to go to understand that. I felt it was needed to drive to point the extremes that people will go to in order to protect their unenlightened views or destroy the opposing views of others. Or to torture oneself as the case may be.

You may be right that it may be overkill. It should be noted, however, that every torture depicted was researched and is based on an actual torture practice that has been perpetrated on hundreds of people at some point in history. I guess it’s sort of my way of making sure their stories are told.

Thanks for the much appreciated input.

Brea

I love you! I never have read a drama script on this site before but this was an exellant start!

POSTIVIES:

There were more of these than anything else. This was damn close to perfect.

1. Your character names were original. Most are bland and boring but these worked.

2. All your characters had back story. Most scripts *even the ones i wrote* failed on this. I loved how they all came for bad places. It made so much sense they would be drug addicts.

3. I cared about your characters. They were all little freaks but at the end of the film I really cared about them.

4. You did well with the halucinations. I thought it would be confusing but you handled it perfectly.

5. The dialogue was sharp and fresh. I felt every character's dialogue was different yet fitting to their personality.

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITCISM:

This is hard most of it will be formatting stuff.

1. What was with the *word* thing? Sometimes when the characters spoke that was around a word. Did that mean to emphasize that word?

2. The end was confusing. Thats prolly my fault cuz im too damn dumb to put it together.

Thats all the criticism i can think of. You did so well!

**** out of **** (i dont throw this around)  

Hi Shelby. I love you, too. Especially with such a positive review. Thank you for your very kind comments.

Yes, the asterisks notate emphasis on a particular word as opposed to italics. I borrowed the technique from, of all places, an old Mary Tyler Moore episode. It was really just me experimenting with format. This is the only script I’ve ever actually used the technique with. I kind of like it.

It’s not your fault that the end was confusing. You’re not dumb. It’s the writer’s fault when a script is confusing. These kinds of scripts require the writer to walk a fine line between being too confusing by not being literal enough and being “dumbed down” by being too literal.

The original version had a scene where the character Yellow Eyes thinks he’s figured the whole thing out and reveals an explanation of some of the symbolism but it was felt that it was sort of “holding the reader’s hand” so I stripped it.

Thanks again for the read and the feedback. Oh and also, you did me another favor: you helped get me my very first “Hot Thread.” Thank you for that.

Brea

This is the first script I have read all the way through on this site.  I did it mostly because of the amount of messages posted about this script.  I have tried to make it through countless other scripts here but just can't do it; there is so much garbage!

In regards to your script, the dialogue is realistic, which is above average compared to many scripts that get posted here, or anywhere.

This may sound odd, but I feel you need to go darker.  I got the feeling that these teens are some of the most depraved souls roaming the earth or the middle earth, or whatever.  It just seemed as though they could bounce in and out of normalcy too easily.  

Yellow Eyes needs to be described in a more physically intimidating fashion (unless he was but I missed it) because he man-handles a 28 year old Trevor, a grizzled detective, an armed detective, then a priest...  whatever, I just pictured him as a wiry, little, punk bitch teenager, and when it was time for Trevor to confront him, he ran.  So that leads me to believe he was physically imposing.  Maybe I misinterpreted.  

On the whole, you have a story here, which is, more than most can say.  I love a movie that can transcend a specific genre and make people ask questions.  You walk in the shadows of Kubrick, which is where all aspiring writers/filmmakers should spend at least some time.  

I have a script to be posted soon called "Harmonic Continuum."  I think you of all people here might dig it.  Anyway, if you find time, give it a whirl.  Let me know.  

All in all, I'm glad I spent an hour of my time with your material.  Good Luck.

Nick

Quoted from rooney This is the first script I have read all the way through on this site....there is so much garbage! ...above average compared to many scripts that get posted here....you have a story here, which is, more than most can say.

You know, I can't disagree with you, Rooney -- but there are also plenty of buried gems -- like Brea's piece of work here -- if you look for them.  

Don has his reasons for his "open door" policy -- but, yeah -- it's no secret that there is plenty of chaff.

Having said that, however, us writers are a sensitive breed -- and if you are hoping for some reads on "Harmonic", it might be best to avoid broad generalizations that belitte -- essentially -- the work of every other author here.

All of this negativity in your review is quite off-putting, and will drive potential readers away.  Count on it.

Praise for Brea is great -- she flat-out deserves it -- but can you see how dissing every other script in the process is kind of superfluous?  Not trying to be snotty here.  Just sayin' -- as you are planning on posting something of your own.

Sorry everybody.  I didn't mean to sound so negative.  I meant to sound excited that I found a good a script.  

I'm not trying to put the writers down, I'm new to this community and I just need pointed in the right direction.  

I'm sure my script will be destroyed by all when it's posted, and I look forward to that.  

Bert, do you have some recommended reading for me?

Thanks.  

Quoted from rooney I meant to sound excited that I found a good a script.

Heh...yeah...no doubt -- glad you took it as friendly advice to the new guy as opposed to something personal.  I assure you it was the former.

Quoted from rooney ...do you have some recommended reading for me?

The link below is a "best of" awards thing someone is trying to organize -- with varying degrees of enthusiasm from the community at large --

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-Chat/m-1145621329/

I can't vouch for all of the stuff there -- but you'll find more good stuff from Breanne -- and a nice, broad sampling of "popular" scripts that previous readers have enjoyed -- all separated by genre.

Sorry about the additional clutter on your thread, Brea.  (We should stop now, Rooney -- trust me -- you don't want to incur the wrath of Breanne   )

Quoted from bert Sorry about the additional clutter on your thread, Brea.  (We should stop now, Rooney -- trust me -- you don't want to incur the wrath of Breanne   )

I’m not mean. I’m nice - say it, Bert! Say it! Say I’m nice!!!

Actually, it’s okay. I’ve come to think of this phenomena of new people starting off kind of rocky as finding a place, testing boundaries, etc.


Hi Rooney,

Thank you for reading and commenting.

First off, Tomson’s right. Calling the majority of scripts here garbage does discourage people from posting. And that’s a shame. I support Don’s decision not to make this place exclusive because there are too many exclusive organizations to keep out new writers already.

With that said, the problem here is not the site, it’s the inexperience of some of the writers. Some writers post work that is not their best effort. And that buries other scripts in a seemingly endless pile. Also, some writers just aren’t really serious about their writing.

If you’ve been trying to toil through countless scripts, you should consider a new way of picking them. I don’t read too many bad scripts and here’s why and how:

Why? I don’t have time to read them all and I want the best experience I can get. The better the quality of the scripts I do read, the better I myself will improve - so I make looking for good scripts a priority.

How do I find them? By participating. By hanging around, getting involved, reading posts and looking for the signs of quality. I use intuitive thinking. I look for writers who are serious about the craft. Writers who are organized, intelligent, and creative.

I’ll use Bert as an example (because I love using Bert): If you read Bert’s posts, you can surmise that he’s intelligent with a good vocabulary. He writes well and has good sentence structure. Creatively, his posts are often quite witty. Wit is a talent that requires a lot of ideas being juggled in the head at once. This tells me that Bert’s scripts will be well crafted with diverse descriptions and saturated with interesting and creative vignettes.

Once I read Bert’s work and find out that I was in fact correct about his skills, I can pat myself on the back for my intuitive skills and know that I’ve found a writer that will be dependable for turning out quality work - unless he goes insane and writes something like “Plan Nine From Outer Space II” or something.




In response to your comments:

In Yellow Eyes’ first scene, he is described as a sinewy young man of nineteen with spooky eyes. Sinewy as in lean, tough, muscular, and forceful. At nineteen, he’s still a teen but quite grown. I left out the description of being tall because he was sitting at his introduction. Perhaps I should have made that clear at some point early on.

My intent was for him to be imposing and somewhat frightening in appearance. To stand out as a sort of alpha male who was definitely the dominant one of the group. Obviously I failed.

It was also my intent that he come off as rather unstable mentally.

Trevor was described as paunchy - that is to say overweight and somewhat out of shape. My intent was to present Trevor (and Julia) as very stable people. In the scene where Trevor and Yellow Eyes meet, Trevor handles the situation as well as any stable man could be expected to when being confronted with a muscular young man with a knife. Yellow Eyes would also have been muddy from having just murdered Mud Boy.

I’m not sure what you mean by “he ran away.” By my reading, Trevor confronted Yellow Eyes in order to protect Julia and Yellow Eyes stabbed and murdered him.

The Kubrick remark could not have been more complimentary. I’m most flattered and appreciative of that. Thank you.

Again, thanks for commenting and I’m glad you made it all the way through. I should point out, by the way, that I’ve had comments in the past from posters claiming to be unable to finish one of my own scripts so I too have been accused of producing poor work. It really is a subjective thing. One person may love what another calls garbage. You’ve shown some humility in your response to Bert and Tomson. That will serve you well, both as a member and as a writer.

What's a script posted without a review from Balt? Well, the year or more that I've been away would probably echo the sentiments of that... However, I'm back and actively reading scripts again and will be posting reviews and such regularly.

As you've always been one of my favorite writers here I'll be reviewing this one for you A.S.A.P.

P.S. even though it's in PDF "lol"

Hey Balt,

I humbly await and look forward to your comments, suggestions, or slams.

Brea


P.S. Nice avatar.


P.S.S. Sorry about the PDF. I’ve fallen in love with the look of it.

Hey, Brea... I'm sorry for the 3 day delay in reviewing your script here... Believe me, however, I've got like 4 more reviews to post tonight or tomorrow, so it wasn't by choice.  

Well, here goes...  1st off I've liked everything I've ever read by you. I've read 4 of your scripts to date and all have been the pentacle of whatever genre they represent. Like I said before I couldn't cross genre write... I write horror/thriller stuff and that's it. You seem to span every genre and you do it with ease.

I was scratching my head on your Scifi offering "cause it's a genre I'm not at all schooled on"
I was laughing my ass off at your comedic offering "DICK FLAP... still makes me laugh to this day"
I simply loved your short about yourself... that was a brilliant little move on your part...

And now it brings me to this one... A drama... that was more twisted and deep than most drama's I've come to read "lol"

Your dialogue is very good... it always was, but it seems to have gotten even better. I think the hook (FOR ME) was the scene with the Psychiatrist and Rachel... it wasn't a lengthy scene but it was a real scene and the dialogue was so spot on and real. It was like an actual conversation taken from a session and that scene really stood out for me... it kept me reading (OTHER THAN THE FACT IT WAS A BREA SCRIPT)

The Hal and Mud Boy scuffle was really powerful too... You introduce us to these characters in a very Magnolia/Playing By heart kind of way... and, to me, those are always the best movies... when dealing with Drama and Character heavy stories.

The names you gave the younger members of your cast were very creative... I don't know if you seen the original (SEMI-GOOD) HILLS HAVE EYES... but they all had catchy names like Jupiter and mars and such and so forth and so on and it made them stand out that much more. Sort of like Mr. Blond and Mr. ORANGE from Reservoir dogs... your names gave the characters a personality they wouldn't have had otherwise. I applaud you on your name sof choice... However abstract they might've been "lol"

So many things in this movie would actually make me question if it was a drama at all... but your characters are so well versed and deep that it can be a drama, however, some of the events that unfold in this thing are really great in a disturbing fashion... Some of your scenes have the shock factor of a horror movie and then some of your scenes have the heart of a drama... So, yeah, it's tough call on this one. "LOL"

I can't remember a time when I read a script that covered so much ground. I'd hate to think about the hours and planning this thing took to write, actually... Your scenes weave in and out of poetic conversations and monologues to revenge "so to speak" to torture and into a whole new direction all together... one would scratch their head if reading all of this and think "WHAT THE HELL KIND OF SCRIPT IS IT???" but when you read it it just flows so well that you don't even take a second glance back at all the places you've been until the end.

Your log line... just doesn't fit this movie. It does and it doesn't, cause the trip here is on us and, in a way, it's almost as if you're taking us on an acid trip at the same time. This is a bizarre script.  Aliens, Giant Grasshopper's, Stabbings, Dreams, Rockets, Superheros, Torture... abuse... Religion... The list goes on and on and on with all the ground you covered in this one.

I think it's one you can't really rate cause it's so different when you stack it next to another script. You've wrote a script that simply has nothing else to go off of. This is a movie that is as unique and diverse as they come and you should be proud of that fact... It seems you got a lot of people on board to read this one but I can see the delay of some people not wanting to read it after a few pages... cause it simply wasn't for everyone.

I loved the 1st 57 pages (MYSELF) those were the best ... Then the movie got really out there, but then it all came back to an incredible ending that made everything seem relevant... but only for a moment or two "lol"

I can tell you like Science fiction a great deal and even though this wasn't an all out Si-Fi flick... I'm hard pressed to maybe not even call it a drama.  I read it in parts and I hate doing that so I'm going to read from pages 50 to 99 over again, just to see if I can pick up on more of what you were going for here.

It was more bizarre than Donnie Darko, Jagged Edges, Clock Work Orange and Tommy put together and to me that's a winner.

Baltis~

Quoted from Balt "WHAT THE HELL KIND OF SCRIPT IS IT???"

Now, this is a quotable line from a review -- haha!

Quoted from Balt Your log line... just doesn't fit this movie. It does and it doesn't, cause the trip here is on us and, in a way, it's almost as if you're taking us on an acid trip at the same time. This is a bizarre script.

Yeah, the logline is not too grand. I was never too good at that. The basic rule for me is: the longer the better. I write feature lengths better than anything. I feel like I’ve got room to move. That’s why I don’t write many shorts. I find them somewhat claustrophobic. And loglines - They’re just painstaking.

It’s a tough challenge to balance being creative and original with having a coherent story. There are only about twenty basic plots. The only way to break down the convention is to break down the cohesion of the story. If you get too formulaic, you get too predictable. If you get to abstract, the lack of familiarity or anything for the reader/viewer to relate to is diminished. My secret, if I have such a thing, would be to sort of mix and mingle conventional plots while telling the story in a way that sort of disguises the true conventionality. Not too unlike a magic trick.

Quoted from Balt I'd hate to think about the hours and planning this thing took to write, actually...

As far as the planning; yeah, this script d*mn near drove me to madness. I think the effect is very nearly what I had in mind. It’s down to maybe a few very minor changes now.

I do improve in leaps and bounds. When I read this, it almost makes me feel embarrassed about some of my earlier work. My next script, hopefully, will pale this one. For my next one, I had to take some time off work just to do research! Working out the details of the storyline is driving me crazy! I wouldn’t have it any other way, though.

Thanks for reading, Balt. For all the quivering over your reviews, you’ve always been so kind and supportive to me. I appreciate that.


Brea



EDIT: A quote from Balt’s review has been added to the first post for advertising purposes.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson My secret, if I have such a thing....

Oh, Brea's got secrets, alright....call it a hunch...

And one lousy quote??  Where's mine?

You can maybe use this graphic I found as a header for the quotes -- I think it suits the piece, no?

Here are just a few of the amazing comments made about this script:

Quoted from Balt "WHAT THE HELL KIND OF SCRIPT IS IT???"

Quoted from greg It's on my to-do list,…

Quoted from bert The reader must force themselves through the early pages, as it seems almost nonsensical,…

Quoted from Martin If anyone's bored…, check this one out.

Quoted from Mr.Z Not sure about this.

Quoted from Shelton …whoa, is this out there…one of the most bizarre I've ever read.

Quoted from Kevan Where the Hell did you pull that story from?

Quoted from mgj There did appear to be some sort of cohesive story in there somewhere...

Quoted from The boy who could fly read something by Bert, His scripts are quite good.

Quoted from May_Dupquote I wen back scool to lern to red just so I culd reade this scrip!

Greetings Breanne!!! I'm glad to have read this spooky script! It made up for some stuff that went on last night with me and someone else. Anyways, to the review.

Characters were all likeable except for the father, and even he's developed very well in the story. Every single character who has at least a small roll in the script has nice flowing dialogue and I felt like I knew them all.

I sadly laughed once at this script because of Mudboy screaming, "We have to get in the mud!" I have no idea why I laughed at this, but I did.

The plot was awesome, your ending was awesome, and the atmosphere was really creepy.

Sorry that I'm not as good at reviewing as you or George. I'm new at reviewing scripts, and I hope that this is helpful to you so that if you ever rewrite this it can be the best it can be.

WHOA

This has got to be the weirdest, strangest, colorful, most off the wall thing I have read on this site, but I also think it's one of the best, it was like a David Lynch film on acid.

I could see this not being everyone's cup of tea, but I don't think anyone could say that it was boring.  there was always something new or intersting on each page.

Some of the hullucinations were soooo off the wall, the giant grasshopper, yellow eyes turning into a dragon, the shadow stick people.  Some gret stuff there.

This kind of reminded me of trainspotting in a way, but this was even more fucked up than that.

I will have to admit that I had no clue what was going on in the beggining, I was like"what the fuck is this all about", but as I read further I liked that it fucked with me.

The scenes with the young yellow eyes and the priest was quite disturbing, it gave me knots in my stomach.

I did feel bad for yellow eyes though, he was one messed up kid, I guess all 4 kids were messed up, but I felt the most for yellow eyes.

The scene with young Rachael was quite disturbing, but I think very realistic, it's sad that shit like that really does happen, and probably happens everyday.

I liked mud boy a lot, and I loved his name, very original.  He reminded me of this other kid that also lives up where I do.

all in all this was a great messed up script.  Good work

James,

Thanks for reading.

Quoted from James Fields Sorry that I'm not as good at reviewing as you or George.

I’ll take all the help I can get. “Help,” for me, includes someone simply telling me they liked it (or didn’t as the case may be) or words of encouragement just as much as detailed analysis.

I appreciate every comment, even if it’s just to say, “Hey, I read your script and here’s what I thought.”

I enjoy learning the effect my work has on  readers, their thoughts, feelings, etc. I use this information so your input is very valuable to me.



Boy Who Could Fly (Drex? I think),


Thanks for reading, also.

I’ve had quite a few people tell me that Mud Boy reminds them of someone they’ve known. Hmm. Maybe it’s a law of nature that guys like him are in every community.

Thanks for the David Lynch comparison.

This script seems to have struck a chord with some people. I’ve had more personal emails from people about this script than any other I’ve ever written. And it’s the most read script I’ve ever posted here. Hmm.



Thanks guys,


Brea

Quoted from Breanne Mattson This script seems to have struck a chord with some people. I’ve had more personal emails from people about this script than any other I’ve ever written. And it’s the most read script I’ve ever posted here. Hmm.

I think because it really is unusual, and it's not like anything else, it's off the wall, but not shitty off the wall, and I think people know other people like this, I know I sure do, hell I could have ended up like one of these kids.  this is just very original and I think that's what people love.

I'm about a little more than a third of the way through this, and I like it so far. It's so strange, but in a good way, it's a huge compliment. I like the way you write your descriptions and your dialogue, the story moves quite fast which I like, and it's similar to my style as well. Your characters are very well introduced and very relateable. It has a very realistic feel to it, while at the same time being unorthodox, but not in a way that is unbelivable, we can still buy it. The only thing I would change about it so far is when Rachel said that she didn't knowmud boy OR yellow eyes. But yet she asked him "why he's always talking about torture" and he talks to her about being a superhero and helping her overcome the grasshopper like he already knows what she's gone through, and I just think they seem to have too much chemistry like that for people who have JUST met, and when she didn't even really seem to like him in the first place. So, I think you should just change that she does know him, but just not Mud boy. It would make more sense. But other than that, pretty cool so far. I'll finish the rest up in the next couple days probably.

Wow, this script blew my mind. Very very good. The story I thought was great, each person's personality, the hallucinations and their little back stories (ie. the priest molestation and rachel with the grasshopper) were all very disturbing, sad, sweet, interesting, beautiful, and intelligent all at the same time. Even the part where Juliea pretended to be Rachel's mother, it was so depressing and beautiful at the same time. The script as a whole I thought was rather brilliant. And tippy as hell. It reminded me of Donnie Darko a lot, obviously not the story, but in terms of the feeling I got off of it. However, the only things I didn't like were rachel and being strangers yet it seems they know eachother already like I explained before. In retrospect it makes sense, but at the time just seems confusing. I also thought that the dialogue lacked in a few areas, but it was great in most cases. I also didn't like the ending much. I thought it could have been a lot better. I personally would have done the ending differently. But all and all it's definitely one of the best I've read. A very exciting read. Good job.

Hey Sryknows,

Thanks for the read/review. And the encouraging words.

The first scene with Rachel and Yellow Eyes: it was written as though just dropping in in the middle of their little get together. My intention was for the reader to assume they had already been there a while and had already talked since meeting that day. Obviously, I didn’t quite succeed. Hmmm.

I would be interested to know how you would have ended it. Because I’ve had mixed feelings about it. The current one is my favorite so far but some have said they wanted something more concrete. It’s a hard balance. One way, someone says they want a more literal ending. Then, if you make it too literal…what to do. What to do.

I appreciate your feedback and suggestions,


Breanne

I got that that was probably what you meant from the first scene from rachel and yellow eyes and figured that they just talked a bit , but I just don't think that they'd know so much about eachother from just that little amount of time. I think that's an easy fix though, either by just mentioning that she's met yellow eyes once before or something or just taking out the line where she says that he always talks about torture, which is the one I think you should do. Again, just my opinion, take it with a grain of salt.

In regards to the ending, I usually don't like giving endings because it's kindof like I'm writiing their work, you know. Which probably means that I'd make it worse, ha ha ha. But I just felt like, we get to know the characters so well, that it being just a dream in yellow eyes' mind, that it's just more of a disappointing blow rather than an interesting twist. If that even is the ending, I hope I'm not wrong, but I think it was supposed to be his dream, right? If I'm wrong I feel pretty stupid. But I think that your character develpment is so good, that it is actually kind of a handicap with that ending. Because I identified so much and felt so sorry for Rachel that I didn't want her to be just an abstract. These are great characters, and I feel that there should be some sort of closure with them. because they just kinda fade away after yellow eyes goes on his rampage. I just think it's missing out an a big opportunity to finish the stories. And the last half of the screenplay being basically just a giant hallucination, I think bringing it back into reality is more unexpected than what you ended with. Because you drop enough hints  during his hallucinations that it's just someone's dream and what not, so that is what I was expecting, but thought it was too obvious, and then it ended up being the ending, and I was like Huh? okay. It sufficed but thought it could have been better. Or even if it is a dream, somhow you should go back and address that scene with Julia, and the rest and at least revisit that. I think the magic scene where yellow eyes was doing the magic tricks was a great metaphor that he killed Rachel and Julia, and think killing Rachel would be actually a happy ending, because that's kinda what she wanted, Not to exist. But I'll stop there. Like I said I don't want to write it or nothing it's your story, you can do what you want, that's just my humble opinion. But I did really like it though, aside from the minor disagreements. I'll probably end up checking out your other stuff sooner or later too. Kill the person next to you will probably be next whenever I get around to it. But keep up the good work. I hope I was clear enough to get what I was saying.

Quoted from Steve-Dave …I just felt like, we get to know the characters so well, that it being just a dream in yellow eyes' mind, that it's just more of a disappointing blow rather than an interesting twist.

It seems that quite a few people think the last third of the story is just a dream. I think of it more as a sort of insane hallucinogenic perversion of reality.



****SPOILERS****



****NO! REALLY! *** SERIOUS SPOILERS!****




****Absolutely do NOT read this if you have not read the script!****




****Do NOT read further if you do not want to know what is really happening!****




****LAST CHANCE****




*****************************************************

The story is real. Every bit of it. It is told through skewed perception. In some cases, the sequence of events is not chronological - for example, the bodies are found at the beginning.

1) The first third is “real.” It includes the events leading up to the “gathering” of the characters.

2) The second third is hallucinogenic. The characters’ worldviews and past experiences fuse with their present hallucinations and they begin to lose grip with reality.

3) In the last third, Yellow Eyes completely loses his sanity. From that point on, the sequence of actual events is skewed to his perception. The events are the same events that would occur following a murder/suicide but are seen through Yellow Eyes’ deranged mind. The sequence of events in a “real” murder would be:

a) murders committed
b) bodies discovered
c) culprit (who survived) wakes up in hospital
d) murderer is put on trial
e) murderer is sentenced
f) murderer’s sentence is carried out - this is when he sees Rachel again - who’s already dead.

This is what happened to Yellow Eyes, the same as with any murder case. Only it was seen though his “yellow” eyes.

Yellow
adj
(one definition) - sensationalist: using scandalous or sensational material, often greatly exaggerating or distorting the truth. See also yellow journalism or yellow press

****************************************************


I hope that makes it better and not worse.


Brea

I get it now, and it is pretty clever. But just still think that the incident should be revisited at some point in some way to get a little more closure and make things a little more clear. But like I said, just an opinion.

Quoted from Steve-Dave I...just still think that the incident should be revisited at some point in some way to get a little more closure and make things a little more clear.

I agree. I’ll work on it. And thank you for your help.


Brea

*DISCLAIMER*  This is the first time I've dedicated feedback to print, or pixels for that matter.  So don't take anything as sage advice.  Also my spelling and punctuation/grammar aren't so hot.  Bear with me.

I read this script a few days ago and again today.  Here are a few notes I took.

POSSIBLE SPOILER


There were a few places where I felt dialogue wasn't because the character's actions spoke clearly enough.

* pg. 2 or 3 - The Maintenance man stumbles back to his truck after finding a carcass  
   in the road.  There are several, "Oh my God's" dispersed here.  I feel just his
   stumbling back to the truck portrayed his excitement.

* The fight scene between Mud Boy and Hal on pgs. 6-10 depicts Hal as a bully who
   belittles his son and Mud Boy's Mother's attempts to stick up for him.  Her line, "He's
   just a boy.  You're a grown man." seemed a bit cliche.  Here, again, I feel action
   could speak louder than words.  His mother could simply try to jump between the two
   and Hal could then push her to the ground, making Hal appear more of a bully.  He
   could then make the "mother and daughter" comment and the scene could
   commence from there.

* On pg. 12 Yellow Eyes smashes his guitar.  On the following pg. Birdie asks, "What
   happened to your guitar?  It's all over the living room."  I think the last line can be
   omitted since the action was shown in the previous scene.  It seems unnatural to
   have one character tell another what he already obviously knows.  

* On pg. 10 Harold tells Birdie, "You're in college."  Again, one character stating an
   obvious fact to another.  

I think the characters of Trevor and Julia tend to say exactly what's on their minds.  I  
  think a little dimesnion could be added to them by having them say what they mean
  with a little more subtext or just omitting some dialogue for actions.  

* At the end of the scene of pg. 6 Julia says, "I can't wait to have a baby."  This is of
   course to tell that she's pregnant and can't wait for a baby.  Just to make it a little
   more interesting she could instead rub her pregnant belly.  This accentuates the
   point and the scene without her saying exactly what's on her mind.

* On pgs. 42 and 43 Julia says to Trevor, "Oh my God, Trevor."  I think these lines
   could be omitted because it's obvious she's scared as she's clutching to Trevor.  
   Also, when a couple refers to each other by their first name it seems a bit formal.

* On their way out of the park Julia also insists on going to the bathroom before they
   leave.  This seems a bit odd since she was just scared out of her wits.  Maybe she
   could suggest going into the rest center to call the police.  

To encapsulate all this I just think it's better to show than tell when possible.

I felt there were a few unnecessary wrilys (actor's instructions).  Here's a few I noticed.

* pg. 25 - MUD BOY (annoyed) "Why do you always have to talk like a fag?"

* pg. 25 - RACHEL (defensively) "Who the hell are you?"

* pg. 27 - RACHEL (confused) "What the hell is a Mud Boy?"

* pg. 33 - RACHEL (panicky) "I think there's something wrong with this shit."

I think the wrilys could be omitted in these cases because the character's dialogue's
   clearly identifies their emotions.

I was a bit confused about the asteriks.  Anything to slow down a read is better off not
  being used.  

Also when rhyming a / is accpetable to show the rhyme scheme.  Eg:

                                          BARD
                             I'm a poet/and didn't
                              even know it.

The above suggestions may seem trifle and they are.  There wasn't a whole lot to suggest.  The dialogue was very well written.  The characters were solid (especially Yellow Eyes).  The time manipulation was perfect (I felt in good hands).  The back story's explained a lot in a short amount of time and built instant identification with the character's.  The description's were very vivid yet to the point, which made it an easy and easily pictured read.  The plot was coherent but unpredictable.

A few things I really liked were the bird/cat scene, the cop shooting himself, the grass hopper scene, the magician scene.

To me the most visual picture I got was on pg. 78 when the Doctor tells John (Yellow Eyes) that he has a parasitic worm in his brain.  That image would make a great poster.  

This is the only screenplay I've ever read twice (other than my own) because it was good enough to read twice.  Very nice piece of work.  Cheers.

Hi Colligulas,

Thank you for reading and taking the time to offer helpful suggestions. I can’t argue with any of your criticisms so I’ll just respond to a few specific things:

Quoted from chubs mcgonigal At the end of the scene of pg. 6 Julia says, "I can't wait to have a baby."  This is of  course to tell that she's pregnant and can't wait for a baby.  Just to make it a little more interesting she could instead rub her pregnant belly.  This accentuates the point and the scene without her saying exactly what's on her mind.

I felt that the rubbing of the belly was already so common in films. I was trying to capture the way people jump from one subject to another suddenly in mid conversation. I’ve noticed in real life that people don’t usually stay focused on a subject but really just sort of jump from subject to subject. At least that’s what I was trying to do and accomplish two things at once by revealing the pregnancy. I failed of course.

Quoted from chubs mcgonigal On their way out of the park Julia also insists on going to the bathroom before they leave.  This seems a bit odd since she was just scared out of her wits.  Maybe she could suggest going into the rest center to call the police.

Good point. That scene resulted from cuts. Originally, she had to go to the bathroom for reasons related to her pregnancy. You’re absolutely right that it is unnecessary and I’ll remove it.

Quoted from chubs mcgonigal I felt there were a few unnecessary wrilys (sic.).

You’re absolutely right. Looking over it again, there are way too many. The wryly is a device I’ve abandoned altogether on my next project. I pretty much write straight description and straight dialogue now. The better I get as a writer, the less I need such devices. Thank you for pointing this unnecessary over-usage out to me.

And again, thank you for your time and input. It’s very appreciated. It will be (and has already been) used.


Brea

Just finished reading your script (well documenteted) and I’m a bit bewildered. It was as good as unusual. You have good characters (with good names) and it is constructed as a Chinese puzzle. I like the way movies are made like this. I really like Rachel’s character and I think you could deepen her part. Funny, but I found she was the main character of the story, everything looking like turning around her. She’s touching, emotive and we do care for her.

***SPOILERS****

I won’t dissect your script as others because I’m not sure I’m competent enough to do it (I have enough problems with mines) anyway, many questions have crossed my mind: is Rachel free to come and forth from the psychiatric hospital? What happened to Julia at the end? Who pay for the drugs the three guys are on?

I don’t think you have to explain everything about the child failure of Yellow Eyes through a flashback. When he meets the priest in the hospital, their conversation is enough. The griefs Yellow Eyes tells the priest, we’ll already know them.

At the end of page 6, I think you can just let Julia says “I can’t wait to have THE (or OUR) baby” and we’ll just understand she’s pregnant.

Hope all this will be helpful to you and I would be interested to have your feminine point of view about some of my scripts submitted here.
Michel  

Michel, thanks for the input.

Quoted from michel …is Rachel free to come and forth from the psychiatric hospital? What happened to Julia at the end? Who pay for the drugs the three guys are on?

Rachel is an outpatient - yes, that’s someone who has to report to the hospital for treatment but is otherwise free to leave.

Julia was murdered by Yellow Eyes.

I don’t know who paid for the drugs. I suppose they each pitched in.

Quoted from michel I don’t think you have to explain everything about the child failure of Yellow Eyes through a flashback. When he meets the priest in the hospital, their conversation is enough. The griefs Yellow Eyes tells the priest, we’ll already know them.

That would mean there would be no knowledge of Yellow Eyes’ motivation until the very end. I would think it would hurt his character for none of his actions to be understood until near the end? Hmm. I’ll have to think about that.

Quoted from michel Hope all this will be helpful to you and I would be interested to have your feminine point of view about some of my scripts submitted here.

All input, good or bad, is helpful as long as it’s meant to be constructive. And I appreciate your suggestions. Again, thank you. And I’ll add your work onto my list. Be patient. As you can see, I’ve had quite a few reads already but I eventually get to returns. And I give preference to people who’ve read my work so you’re on my list.

Thanks,

Brea

this is one trippy ass story. i love the acid trip. it reminds me of when i was high...but i didn't kill anyone. my favorite part is when

Mud Boy say's "i just realized something."
Birdie "what"
Mud Boy "i left my motorcycle. Damn. i wish my motorcycle had been in the back of the truck.
Birdie "Can u go back and get it tomorrow?"
Mud Boy "Get what?
Birdie "Your motorcycle"
Mud Boy "i wish it had been in the back of the truck."

other than that i love the song about coming out that Birdie and Mud Boy sing.  Very representational. i've still got about 30 pages to go, but i'll be sure to let u know what else i think about this wickedly creative insane story.

i like the consistent use of "is it okay to come out now." i'm guessing it means more than to just appear after danger. it means more than Birdie admitting his sexual orientation. it means more than simply telling the truth or expressing one's feelings.

i like the small snipet of Rachel as a little girl.  You could go into more detail about what happened to her to make her afraid of being alone, and why she is wishes to longer exist.

Trevor and Julia play a small role that i believe can be omited.  true it's fun and exciting to read about death in a story, but in the beginning i didn't understand why i had to focus on them in the first place.

you have good symbolism for Birdie's parents, the bird and the cat. i like that.  the bird is shrill and the cat is dominating. that's very much so like Birdies parents. i just realized Birdie is like his father. that must be why you made his father a bird.

good story. it'd quite complex to make into a movie. u'd have to be the director more thatn likely.  i like where u've gone with it though.

one more thing. if i knew before hand that u didn't read first drafts i would have never rushed to submit my script.  i'm revising minute errors in it as u read this.

DAMN! i thought for sure Yellow Eyes or Rachel would die.  The way  u set up your scenes reminds me of the movie 'What Dreams May Come'. remember, it had Robin Williams in it. Your graphic detail of Yellow Eyes' tortured body made me want to look away, but there was nowhere to look. It was emblazened in my mind...good work.  i got one question for you...Is it safe to come out now?

Brandon,

Thank you for your comments. I’ll have to think about the Trevor and Julia removal. Others have mentioned that their presence, rather than having a grounding effect, had more of a hindering one. It would be difficult to remove them altogether because they operate as a sort of trigger for the characters’ reactions but possibly I could minimize their roles.

The remark about not reading first drafts is really aimed more toward proofreading. I’ve submitted a first draft to a director before because I was on a schedule but I just don’t see any reason why someone would submit a draft here that hasn’t even been proofread. If someone sent their un-proofread script to a coverage service, for example, they would just be throwing their money away. The reader would have so many format comments that the story would receive very little attention.

Not to mention how annoying it is for the reader to try and sift through poorly written material looking for the story. People who say it’s the story that matters are usually people who can’t spell. A serious writer knows that both the story and the ability to effectively communicate it are important. Saying spelling and grammar aren’t important is like saying the ability to read isn’t important for a reader.

Anyway, off my soapbox. I’m not as mean as I come off sometimes in my posts. I just think that a reader is entitled to the best effort that a writer has to offer. And who would have ever thought that the day would come when people who call themselves writers actually said that the skill of writing isn’t important? I just think that’s sad.

Thanks again for your comments. I’ll put your script on my list. Please be patient. My list is kind of long already.


Brea