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Behind the Gun (was Currently Untitled) by Ryan Nestor (yusuke007) - Drama - When the lives of two hitmen are destroyed, they must work together in their quest for revenge. 120 pages - pdf, format
Well, this is my first script. I used to write books here and there, but I decided to try this. Please mind the formatting, I know it's bad, but please read it anyways. Thanks.
hey its great, altough there are a few parts missing, unless u left them out on purpose, lol but i was wondering if you'd allow me to change it around a bit, and film it with a few of my friends. please let me know, so i can start. once again this is a great story, with a bit of tweeking. where did you get the idea for it?
I'm getting ready to read this, but I thought I'd let you know that the format isn't THAT bad compared to other scripts. I don't know why it got such a bad format grade...
Anyway, I'll post my review soon if you go read someone elses screenplay...no one else will read your screenplay, apart from Freek up above me, if you haven't read AND left a few good reviews on some other screenplays...
This is my first attempt at a long review, so you?ll just have to take it or leave.
--------------------------------------- You use transitions like CUT IN. and FADE IN. at the start of every scene I?ve seen so far. Transitions in a reading script are usually frowned upon unless they are really necessary. The only transition you should use is FADE IN. at the beginning of the screenplay, and FADE OUT. At the end.
Also, when you right scene headers, or ?slugs,? you don?t write ?EXT. SOME PLACE.? You would write EXT. SOME PLACE ? DAY/NIGHT (Whichever it is.)?
Another thing you do is when you write a characters name right before their dialogue, you write ?SO AND SO:? Leave the : out and just write their name.
Right under the characters name when you write ?(Not taking his eyes off the road)? or something like that?don?t over use these so much. You tend to use them for every piece of dialogue.
One last thing! When you introduce a new character in the screen play, write his name in all CAPS. ---------------------------------------
As far as the story goes, it was pretty good. I pretty much enjoyed it. It seems more like a movie that you?d see on a Sunday afternoon on TNN or something like that?he he. It needs some work in the format area, and I pointed out as much as I could up above.
Well, the reason that it ends with the f- bomb is because that's not the ending, there are three pages missing from the script, i guess when i made it a pdf from final draft, it cut out the pages sorry. I can email them to anyone who asks.
Well, its a good ending, but a bit to fast on the rundown.. i think Riziti should fight more, not just get shot, as strong a charecter as she is, its too easy a death. Bassillions death was perfect though. Hall, should have survived, maybe a scene in the hospital recovering, or something, maybe put in some passion he liked, and then show him doing it during the end narroration. but thats all just my opinon. This was greatt scripts. i wouldnt be surprised to find it (ors something frighteningly simmiler,) on the silver screen soon.
Well, the thing I tried to do with Riziti was show how weak she really was with no one protecting her. And Hall's death was, I think, needed cause his family died and whaty not, so he really didn't have much more to live for, keeping him alive would be torment. But thanks for thinking Bassillion's death was perfect, I thought it was a fitting end for his character, and thanks for reading, hurry up and write something so i can read it.
Hey Ryan this is Rich just finished the script and i must say that i really like your writing and i enjoyed the ending too. When it comes to critiques the only problems are basically covered by Rapture. Can't wait to read another one from you NESQUIK. To all who read the reviews before reading the script, this one is a MUST READ!!!
I haven't finished the whole thing yet but it is fantastic! I don't know why but I could really, really see this as a movie. Ellis reminds me of Ellis, Sigourney Weaver or Susan Sarandon as Riziti and Keifer Sutherland and Michael Keaton as the two guys, and Laura Ramsey as Veronica. Very good.
I can't WAIT for your new stuff, you said you were a writter, do you have a book out?
Ryan
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Alright, I finished...great! I really do agree with the other posters.
Alright, I FINALLY finished it and it was great. However, as I said that I agreed with the other posts I have to say this was original. And thats hard to do in this genre. I really liked how you didn't have to make it a gore-fest with an F word in every sentence. But, I felt like you have to pick one way or another, in some parts where it could have been a little more violent or in some scenes where you actually should have used the F word you didn't. It seemed as if you were supressing it like it was PG-13 while in other scenes you went on out and wrote it. As I said, it is good that you didn't curse a lot to make it like most in its genre. I just feel that you should pick what you want to do, a PG-13 or a R. I strongly feel that you want it to be an R, I just think you need to in some scenes you shouldn't supress things as much compared to others.
Write more stuff!!!!!
P.S. Randy reminds me of Djimonu Huston (probably spelled that wrong) and Sam as Kane, that guy who is gonna be in See No Evil...and everyone thinks I'm crazy for writing this !!!!
"When life gives you AIDs, make LemonAIDs." -Sarah Silverman in Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic
Thanks for the input. Come to think of it, when I wrote the script, I never really thought about what rating I wanted. R would probably be better, but I'm in the middle of a new script now, and I should be done in a month, so the rewrite on this one will have to wait. And by the way, anyone got any good titles for this script, because I can't think of one at all.