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every body this is phenom speaking and i would appreciate if every body would read my brothers script and give him your guys review, its a very good story and its well written so please read Y.D.F.L. my bro will probably come on this site and tell you the same thing i'm writing right now, but yea read his script. Also read my final edition of my horror script called HEL DAY which is on this site. so please read our scripts.
Okay. I really hope you are the older brother of phenom no offence to phenom, but you have a serious step on him. This script is really a lot like mine maybe that’s why I liked it so much, but this is hands down the best script I have ever read on this site. This was amazing. This was the coolest story I have ever read. I mean it was great. The story, the dialogue, the characters, the plot. You’ve got some serious skill dude. I don’t see what is stopping this from being produced. After the ending I almost wanted to cry, I really almost cried no joke. You are good.
The Good -I love how this thing starts out. Can already tell it’s going to be good. -Nice story with Joel, Maslow and Merriam. -Your dialogue is superb. -Good Will and Grace bit, Mr. Jacobs is a funny guy. He says he’s a Christian yet he doesn’t act like one, good. -Once again your dialogue is superb. Just thought I should say that twice. -You brought some emotion out of me when Joel and Valerie find Abraham in the theatre with his boyfriend. I actually got scared for him. -“Dude crossed you up so bad you broke thru the shoe.”-Alright, that’s funny. -Your characters are so colorful and different. -I know this isn’t funny at all, but when Joel actually goes to Toys R Us to buy the metal bat I actually laughed out loud. -Encounter with Angela was good. Pretty funny. -The ending Oh my god what an ending. You’ve got skill.
The Bad -Can you tone down the cursing a little bit, got a little old. -Your action paragraph on page 9 is ridiculous cut that up. It’s like 23 lines long. Those should never be longer than 5 lines. -6:30pm to 11:30pm how can you talk for that long? Maybe it’s possible, but geez. -Wait why’d Joel throw the heroin away first before getting help for Harold? -Why would Valerie bring her boyfriend over to some guy’s house. Seems kind of odd, but that particular scene worked out nicely. -Wouldn’t Abraham swear Joel to secrecy? -Abraham calls Maslow, Maz, for the first time on page like 116. That’s a tight nickname you should’ve been using that all through the screen play. -Instead of having Ryan dodge the bullet you should have him grab the nose of the gun and shove it to the side of him or something. Dodging seems a little fake. -Why couldn’t Abraham shoot him up close?
Dude get this produced I would pay some serious cash to see this movie made. Enter this into a competition or get an agent, or just do something this script has potential!
(P.S. Why is it called Y.D.F.L.?)
"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day
this is phenom. yea that is my brother that wrote y.d.f.l, yea i admitt hes better than me, i'm learning from him. hes only 21 years old. believe me he is going to try to sell this script. thanks for reviewing my brothers script.
Can you tone down the cursing a little bit, got a little old.
I toned down the cursing from what it originally was. I used so much because when i was 16 and writing this that is how I spoke. I use to curse like crazy, now I'm older and more mature but back then that is how I talked.
-Your action paragraph on page 9 is ridiculous cut that up. It’s like 23 lines long. Those should never be longer than 5 lines.
I know I messed up on that I am going to fix that.
-6:30pm to 11:30pm how can you talk for that long? Maybe it’s possible, but geez.
I know it seems long but I have done it.
-Wait why’d Joel throw the heroin away first before getting help for Harold?
Because that scene except for the heroin happend to me in real life and if the cops find out there is drugs involved they will ask questions then probably look around.
-Why would Valerie bring her boyfriend over to some guy’s house. Seems kind of odd, but that particular scene worked out nicely.
Once again I have been thru something like this and gf of mine insisted on bringing her ex bf around all the time when we would hang out with our friends, and it annoyed the crap out of me like it does joel when she says shes gonna bring him over.
-Wouldn’t Abraham swear Joel to secrecy?
At this point he figures he's been caught and revenge is all he is thinking about.
-Abraham calls Maslow, Maz, for the first time on page like 116. That’s a tight nickname you should’ve been using that all through the screen play.
I dont know why I didnt use it more maybe because like my nicknames I have not everyone calls me only one or two people and its not all the time.
-Instead of having Ryan dodge the bullet you should have him grab the nose of the gun and shove it to the side of him or something. Dodging seems a little fake.
True I used dodging because I wanted him to be on the ground when the lights came back on and if he just pushed the gun he would have a better chance of making a run for it.
-Why couldn’t Abraham shoot him up close
This is because he wasnt as bad as he thought. it's different shooting some one witht he gun to their face than from a bit of distance especially when you know their blood and brains are going to be all over you. it takes something extra to do that and he didn't have it.
Thanks for giving me a read and for your review. I am trying to get and agent its hard to get them to give you a read though, I' wanna sell it bad. I wrote it when I was 16 or 17 and now I am 21 and I hadn't tried to get something done with it until recently but if you know anyone out there let them know. E-mail NathanAripez1984@yahoo.com
Sorry about the delayed review. I had some time consuming issues arise. Blah blah.
***Yeah, yeah, spoilers ahead Maitee***
It's we're not were.
Page 5 Maslow has direction in dialogue form
Page 8 Joel takes his shirt off twice
Page 24 Go catch a movie instead of returning to a party? Yeah right. Doesn't feel real.
Page 26 Charles and Maslow are waiting for Joel to leave the party or?
Page 54 So far nothing exciting has happened, except the death of Harold, and I didn't care about him.
Joel beats Marcus with the bat from Toys 'r' Us. It was obvious that this would occur.
Page 70 More movies?
Page 74 Why does Abraham call Joel to meet him at Wells Fargo to follow him to Jill's house? Didn't Abraham have Joel's car?
Page 81 Joel and Maslow were at Ed's for two weeks and you spent one page on it. Too much action being told in conversations.
Oh, I see. You could remove the conversation about how long they were at Ed's.
Page 84 Angela slapping them so many times is not believable.
Page 87 Throwing the shoe is too slapstick.
Page 90 The Abraham hitting on Ryan scene is not believable. It seems way out of Abe's character to make such a bold leap. It sounds like Ryan and Joel are about to kiss each other.
Page 96 "Ok I get it you're a fag now quit." Hmm. All right, I'm over it; let's go kill somebody. Again, not believable.
CUT TO:
ABRAHAM So are you in or out? Ok cool, I'm gonna try and get a gun for us. You just hang back keep it cool and in no time you'll be with Valerie.
There is no drama in this decision and it seems to be one of the more decisive moments of the movie.
Page 100 Bulimia, not anorexia.
Page 105 Who the hell is Jimmy?
Page 114 Obviously she's talking hinting at suicide, Joel would pick up on that.
Page 124 Who's doing what? Is Maslow calling, or is it the seriously injured Joel ordering pizza? Joel was in the house right?
There's nearly a typing/spelling error in every paragraph of every page in your descriptions and dialogue. It's as if there has been zero proofreading, which makes people think you've never read any of what you've typed.
The dialogue in the beginning of scenes is often stale. It seems like it always starts off with: "oh, did I tell you?" or "did you hear about such and such?"
The characters transform into killers way too easily. Not that they don't struggle with it at times, but they carelessly plan and try to execute these things all of the sudden.
I liked the story overall, but it needs work. Really read the dialogue out loud and process it. I think you'll find that it's not nearly as strong as it could be. You have the blueprints for something cool, now build on it.
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Y.D.F.L.
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