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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  The Six Sessions Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 19th, 2007, 6:42am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Six Sessions by Christine Keefer (CLKWIAM) - Drama - A woman is devastated after her husband walks out on her and goes to a psychic for answers only to find out this man is her soul mate and falls in love with him immediately.  She then writes a book on their connection in hopes of manifesting their union. 121 pages - pdf, format


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bryan00009
Posted: June 24th, 2007, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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Random page breaks?  Parentheticals out of place?  Breaking dialogue in mid-sentence?  I suppose you will say the script got screwed up in the conversion to Adobe format but obviously it's something you should have checked before uploading.
-- EXT means exterior (outdoors).  If the scene continues inside, you need to start a new INT (indoors) slugline.
-- Once again, the hallmark of the amateur -- vastly over-written description.  A screenplay is a blueprint for a movie.  It is not a short story and should not sound like one.  Write short descriptive phrases of what we see and only what we see.  Do not add unfilmable commentary or try to direct every little movement in a scene.
-- Don't have characters sit around and repeat what the audience just saw in the previous scene: "How did your dance lesson go?... etc."  It's boring.
-- The story: The successful writer comes off entirely smug and self-satisfied ("I can't believe how great my life is ... bla,bla,bla")  Worse yet, in her quest to see a psychic, she reveals herself to be a complete flake: "I don't like the mainstream head stuff.  But I do believe in psychics."  Yeah, right.  You're going to have to come up with a better way to introduce the idea of psychics and the paranormal than that.  I stopped reading after that.


"It's just a rehash of something that wasn't very good to begin with.  I found it flat and trite..."  Sunset Boulevard (1950).
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randyshea
Posted: June 24th, 2007, 7:12pm Report to Moderator
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did a quick read.

first of all, you wrote a story from start to finish, and that's difficult to do, so congratulations on that accomplishment. The concept of falling in love in six sessions is an interesting one, well, one session really.

Your story has a long way to go before it's ready. Screenwriting has certain conventions that set it apart from other forms of writing. If those conventions are not followed, your story will read like a book. Unfortunately your story, while having some script elements, reads like a book. However, I found a story lurking in what you have written, and I think it would be an interesting story. You just need to learn how to pull it out of what you have written and make it more compelling. Claire needs to meet Gage in a more interesting way, for example, maybe an accidental way instead of Mo suggesting seeing a psychic. And maybe less Mo and more Gage.

Reading other scripts are a good way to learn how to figure your story out. There are scripts on this site that are from movies that were made. Maybe there is one here from a movie that you enjoyed. Print it out and read it while you watch the movie. Pause the movie and read the page of the script that describes what is happening and what is being said in the film. After a while you will understand how movie writers write.

Then go back and rewrite your story, from the ground up. I think your story is worth the effort.

Keep at it.
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