Specter by Gregory J. Baldwin - Drama, Supernatural Drama - Some believe that everything happens for a reason.  One night, a dispirited believer is unexpectedly struck by a drunk driver and killed on the spot.  Now trapped in limbo with only Fate on his side, he wanders the earth in search of a way to salvage his destiny and prevent the universe from being destroyed. 95 pages - pdf, format

Thanks Don for posting this!

This is the first thing I've posted here in well over a year, so if you happen to come across it then I hope you enjoy.

Note: The length is actually 95 pages.  Can we fix that?

Hey Greg,

I usually enjoy looking at your stuff so I'll get to this soon.  I noticed the title is Specter though.  Is that like a ghost?  If so, I think it's normally spelled Spectre.

If it has something to do with something found in the script, then pay no mind.

You know, I looked into this a while back and both spellings are technically correct.  "Spectre" I think is more of the European way to spell it whereas "Specter" would be the western approach.  Both mean the same thing of ghost, phantom, spirit, etc.  

Hope you enjoy!

Awesome Greg! Good for you to have another feature under your belt.

I'm looking forward to reading it, I now have three others ahead of this one though, but I'm reading like a mad person here trying to catch up.

As far as the title goes, I started a script not long ago with Specter in the title too and I noticed the different spellings. I went with the same spelling you did.

Much appreciated, Pia!  Thanks!

Been a while since I've put anything new up, so I'm looking forward to any feedback that anyone has to provide.

Geez, here I am at post #6 and I still get first crack at this.  So much visiting going on here in Greg’s thread.

And that is somewhat reminiscent of the script, actually.  My opening salvo on this script is how darn chatty it is, particularly when Ken meets fate.  Their conversation starts off great, but as it progresses, it could probably be cut by half.  Once the scenario is established -- where Ken has arrived -- it is time to move things along.  We spend 14 pages on that conversation, Greg.  I am not recommending that you kill all of the philosophical musings, many of which are amusing, but look for redundancies and unnecessary exposition and you will find them.

But I am getting ahead of myself.  Starting from the beginning:

*  For the opening V.O., “building multitudes of stress upon it” strikes me as an unwieldy cluster of words.  I would rephrase at least that small segment.
*  While talking with Rose, the underlined words are a distraction.  Honest.  You know better than that, anyway.  And you use them throughout, way too often.
*  I see that somebody is using their accounting courses in their writing haha.  That’s good, actually.
*  Dialogue snafu on page 9.  It’s “bear” with me -- “bare” with me sounds like they are both going to get naked.
*  I do like the car he gets.  That’s a nice touch.
*  Page 41, using etc. to describe the apartment?  Yick.  Lose that.
*  During Annabelle and Lenny’s date, I am thinking you should make him a little more charming.  His dialogue is pretty crude, and Annabelle being attracted to this guy makes her less attractive by association, you know what I mean?  Make Lenny at least a little more likeable so he is worthy of Annabelle’s affections, and also a more worthy adversary for Ken.  And none of these changes have to effect Lenny’s behavior later.  In fact, it will come as even more of a surprise.
*  Why does Lenny shoot Sonja?  That seems odd.  Fate mentions it later, but it still seems like it comes out of the blue.
*  The dentist appointment line in the hospital is pretty good.  One of the best in the script.

Broader now, looking at the story as a whole, the biggest change that I would recommend involves the first act and Ken’s interactions with Annabelle.  Or rather, his lack of interaction.

If it was such a horrible disruption of fate that he not hook up with Annabelle, then this missed opportunity should be attributable to more than his simply ignoring her.  We are dealing with fate here, and there should be some crazy confluence of events leading to their not meeting.  A perfect storm of circumstance.

When Fate says, "I must have missed something" that is not good enough.  Fate should give Ken a solid reason -- something based upon earlier events -- and then we can say, “Oh, so that is why that happened.”  What you need here is a set-up and a payoff, which will strengthen the script.

I hate to ding this one because it feels more personal that your previous works -- as if there is a good bit of Greg in Ken -- and I did like it for that -- but for an honest assessment, after Scorsese and Cobb Hill, I would place this one third.

But that is not to say that this story does not have plenty going for it.  There is light and dark and despair and humor.  There are serious consequences at stake, a good lead driving the story, and you tie things up well as the story comes to an end.  You juggle lots of good ideas here and you do it with confidence and flair.

Maybe this one is more Shelton's department.  You are out of my genre here, and I always struggle with reviews for scripts like this.  I, too, will also be curious to see what Mike gives you on this one.

Your logline sounded interesting so I thought I'd check this out.  I've always been interested in philosphy, fate and all that stuff.

Spoilers to follow:

I like how you slowly introduce us to your main character Ken by letting us observe him though a typical day - on the bus, at work in the office and whatnot.  The dialogue sounds natural and each character has a unique voice.  There's even a touch of mystery thrown in with that woman with the cane.  

The senario you set up here - that Fate makes a mistake and as a result the universe starts to unravel is an interesting 'what if' senario.   Variations of this same theme have been done before but the 'mistake' aspect of your story is unique from the others I've seen.  I wish though, that you hadn't simply made this an oversight on his part. It just seems a bit of a reach that a supreme being who controls the fate of the entire universe could simply make a mistake.  Perhaps you can work around this.  Say there's some dark, sinister force at work here, attempting to disrupt the natural course of things.  I think there needs to be some sort of reason for his error.

I like the concept you came up with with the force-field preventing Ken from interacting with the physical world.  I always found it odd that in the movie 'Ghost' Patrick Swayze couldn't touch objects but was still able to walk on the floor.  You've solved this little problem with the force-field.

I did notice one typo - on page 52 you switched Annabelle's name with April.

After reading this I'm left with one lingering question - why didn't Fate simply just send him back in time to begin with?  It seems the problems with the universe could be fixed simply by doing this.  And when this does eventually happen, it seems more of a knee-jerk reaction than done with any sort of rationale behind it - or I'm I just not reading it correctly?

Aside from this plot-point, I'd say this script has a lot going for it.  The dialogue in particular felt very natural.  It reads with flow and the characters, even Fate, are well drawn up.  BTW, I like that you gave Fate some personality - a little humor but not too much; just the right amount, I think.  Some of his musings with Ken could go on alittle long in spots but I wouldn't suggest taking a weed-wacker to it - just a little trimming here and there.

Hope this helps.

-Mike

Cool!  Nice to wake up to two reviews, both of which provide different and constructive insight.

Bert,

Thanks for checking this out, mate!

Quoted Text *  Dialogue snafu on page 9.  It’s “bear” with me -- “bare” with me sounds like they are both going to get naked.

Damn it.  Thought I had them all.  Thank you.

Quoted Text *  Page 41, using etc. to describe the apartment?  Yick.  Lose that.

Check.

Quoted Text *  During Annabelle and Lenny’s date, I am thinking you should make him a little more charming.

I see what you're saying in this part, but I think rather than switching Lenny around, Annabelle would be the one in need of more development.  What I was trying to go for was to have Lenny appear decent(and, as Fate says, I use that term loosely) individual, but as the destiny lines veer farther and farther away, Lenny goes from just crude dialogue to actually doing horrible things.  

Quoted Text I hate to ding this one because it feels more personal that your previous works -- as if there is a good bit of Greg in Ken -- and I did like it for that -- but for an honest assessment, after Scorsese and Cobb Hill, I would place this one third.

Really?!  Wow.  That's something I didn't see coming, but I find it a very interesting viewpoint.  Cobb Hill is always one that I wanted to totally redo but just couldn't get to it.  That may be my next thing to do.  

Quoted Text You are out of my genre here, and I always struggle with reviews for scripts like this.

No worries.  You gave a very thorough review and I always appreciate your feedback.  It's always precise and to the point.  No BS.

Quoted Text I, too, will also be curious to see what Mike gives you on this one.

Me too.


Mike,

Thank YOU for your review as well.

Quoted Text I wish though, that you hadn't simply made this an oversight on his part. It just seems a bit of a reach that a supreme being who controls the fate of the entire universe could simply make a mistake.  Perhaps you can work around this.  Say there's some dark, sinister force at work here, attempting to disrupt the natural course of things.  I think there needs to be some sort of reason for his error.

You know, Bert brought this up to and I thought I knew what I was doing but it seems(coming from reviews on two different spectrums as well) that it didn't work.  I wanted to play it into the idea that all of this after-life stuff is a lot more simple than what it comes off as(i.e. the barren whiteness of Half-Point, breaking all of life down to that of a white board, etc.) and that we all make mistakes.  That was basically the angle.  That's something I'll keep my eye out for in other reviews.

Quoted Text I did notice one typo - on page 52 you switched Annabelle's name with April.

Damn it.  Even if you read it 1000 times you still miss one.  Thank you.

Quoted Text After reading this I'm left with one lingering question - why didn't Fate simply just send him back in time to begin with?  It seems the problems with the universe could be fixed simply by doing this.

Good question.  It was more of a danger.  The story is filled with "what ifs" and this is one of them.  The general idea is that, while Fate could plop him back into the past, it would be a mammoth risk because, well, it's not anyone's destiny to go back in time and essentially rewrite life.  Now, while I have figured out the method of time travel(a discussion for another time[seriously, I'm not joking{seriously}]) for Fate to initiate it would be to rewrite the lines on the white board and risk everything for the future.  That's why he added the car to Ken's life in the end, to basically "white out" the remains of the erased future.  Fate never plopped anyone back into the past before, so it was a risk for him as well.

Now I see that you have a new piece up as well.  I've got Finals this week and then I'm going home, so I'll add that to my to-do list to return the favor for ya!

Thanks again fellas for your reviews!  Great feedback!  Much appreciated!

Greg,

Read your script over the weekend. Even skipped ahead of reading "Underneath" so you wouldn't think I was just a talker.

I rather enjoyed this script and the idea you have here. I do believe it does need some work, but the premise is very good.

I think that the beginning scene on the bus, you need to make it more clear that Ken finds Annabelle attractive. Right now, all I thought was that she’d play a part in this script eventually, but since she turns out to be the reason he does what he does and he's in love with her, I think you can make that first scene a little more interesting. Doesn't have to be anything big. Maybe as he glances at her she looks back at him and he shyly looks away or something. Just something to let us know they recognize each other (after 18 months they would) and he finds her attractive.

What's an intimidating complexion?

The restaurant scene with Rose could be worked out a little better IMO. I assume you want to establish that Ken has bad luck with women, but he comes off as clingy and weak. In other words, he doesn't really get any sympathy from me at least and isn't that what you want from the audience? For us to feel for him.

What does Rose mean, "don't put all your eggs in one basket"�. I know what that means, but it seems an odd choice of words here.

Ken and Chucks relationship is fine btw.

Haha, I believe you really must love steak! Not sure it's necessary to be so specific about what type of steak however.

Chuck tells Ken he lets people walk all over him. Show us some more of that. I didn't think Rose did nor Mr. Sullivan. Not saying they were nice to him, but walking all over him?

Page 13 you write "rain starts to pour"�. I've heard that we should avoid using starts to and begins to. Just write "The rain pours"�. It reads better too. I think.

After Ken is struck by the truck a MALE PEDESTRIAN shouts “Get a cop over here�. Maybe I’m wrong, but why would they want a cop? Why not an ambulance? Seems more logical to me.

I like Fate. You did good with his character.

The medics arrive and use defibrillators on him. I’m not a medical person, but I did stay at the Holiday Inn Express once. Is that a wise move? He is soaking wet and I believe later in the script you described him as bloody all over as well. You may want to look into proper medical procedure there and also decide what injuries he has. Is he bloody or not?

I agree with Bert that the first conversation between Ken and Fate goes on way too long. Mostly Fate’s explanations. I was thinking while reading it, come on get over with it. Just spit it out. Don’t mistake that as if I didn’t like it. I enjoyed the subject matter a lot, just needs to be trimmed. Also felt that Ken accepted he was dead a little to easily.

Annabelle gets hit by a car too? Can you find another way for her and Lenny to “bump� into each other?

I didn’t buy that Annabelle would go off and have coffee with Lenny. Bert is right here too. It makes her just look like a desperate loser/moron and that’s not what you want us to think. You want us to like here. Maybe find a less violent way for the two to bump into each other and make Lenny a little more pleasant so it won’t feel so wrong. Also Fate tells Ken not to worry, Lenny is not going to hurt her. Since he rapes, beat her and eventually kills her, isn’t that a flat out lie?

What does Fate mean when he says “Annabelle doesn’t have a backbone at all�? So far she’s made a couple of dumb decisions, but I wouldn’t call it having no backbone.

At Ken’s apartment, why are there three police cars there? Why are friends and co-workers there? Ken died in a different location and we know who did it so it’s not exactly a mystery. You kind of have it like there are detectives there trying to solve a crime. Just seemed odd to me.

Annabelle’s and Lenny’s date feels bad too. Again, he is such a coarse jerk, I cannot believe that she enjoys the date.

How come the only thing Ken can touch is the silver gun? Is it the fact that it is made out of silver? If so, I think you have a problem. I could of course be wrong, but real silver isn’t hard enough of a metal to work as a gun. Is it just a nickel plated steel gun? Then why would that be special enough that he can touch it? Just a thought.

I don’t get why Fate keeps saying to Ken that he’s done his job and there’s nothing else he (Ken) can do. What exactly did he do? Did I miss something? As far as I can tell he didn’t really manage to prevent anything. Not the beatings or the killings of both women.

Page 42 Fate says “we better hope there’s a lot left�. A lot left of what? LOL, I know I’m dense, sorry.

Not that this is important, but after all that Lenny has done, I just can’t picture him as a wine drinker. More like a beer guzzler or hard liquor type guy.

Ken sure drives around a lot following Annabelle and Lenny. I kind of wonder why since he’s unable to do anything...

Why is Ken walking “timidly� towards the couch when he knows no one can see him or feel his presence?

Fate tells Ken Heaven will accept him with open arms. Again, what exactly is it that he’s done?

These were just thoughts and questions I had while reading and I hope you take them as intended. To be helpful.

All in all Greg, I really enjoyed it. Definitely like the idea here. I could picture everything easily and I liked the whole space, Fate, destiny, hope thing.

Pia

[why does it do that? every time I copy from Word? All weird stuff is instead of " or ']

Hey Pia, thank you for the read!

I feel that I grew a lot as a writer with this piece.  I also knew that it would promote lots of questions which I am going to try my best to answer!

Quoted Text What's an intimidating complexion?

Just someone who doesn't look nice.  There's a study out there that says someone's eyebrows can initiate a lot on first contact(really, really, really arched can be creepy, and not so arched can be nice).

Quoted Text What does Rose mean, "don't put all your eggs in one basket"�. I know what that means, but it seems an odd choice of words here.

Basically it shows his dependency in other people rather than standing up for himself.

Quoted Text After Ken is struck by the truck a MALE PEDESTRIAN shouts “Get a cop over here�. Maybe I’m wrong, but why would they want a cop? Why not an ambulance? Seems more logical to me.

This is a question that went through my head while writing it.  I just thought that a cop is a far more common utility in situations like these, plus these people see that this man was struck by the truck, so likewise you'd want to get the driver arrested.

Quoted Text I like Fate. You did good with his character.

Yeah, he's a G.  No, but seriously, thanks for that.  When I was reading the first draft of this I thought to myself "this guy is really a snobby little punk."  So I wound up re-doing practically all of his dialogue to make him less jerkish.  It seems from early reviews that it paid off.

Quoted Text The medics arrive and use defibrillators on him. I’m not a medical person, but I did stay at the Holiday Inn Express once. Is that a wise move? He is soaking wet and I believe later in the script you described him as bloody all over as well. You may want to look into proper medical procedure there and also decide what injuries he has.

Yes, the Holiday Inn Express can be a rough experience.  On this topic I will plead ignorance.  As for procedure, the defibrillator isn't introduced until Ken and Fate view the past in Limbo, so time has passed and the paramedics can find out what needs to be done.  Perhaps moving him into the ambulance to perform such a thing would be better if the rain would be an issue.

Quoted Text What does Fate mean when he says “Annabelle doesn’t have a backbone at all

No backbone, like, doesn't know how to get out of a situation, i.e. the type of person who will let others talk her into things, doing stuff, etc.

Quoted Text At Ken’s apartment, why are there three police cars there? Why are friends and co-workers there? Ken died in a different location and we know who did it so it’s not exactly a mystery. You kind of have it like there are detectives there trying to solve a crime. Just seemed odd to me.

Maybe one would be better.  As we saw in the end, he had Chuck's card in his pocket, so likewise they contact him and he contacts a few other people with significance in Ken's life.  As for why are they in his apartment?  Keep in mind the hit took place only 12 hours or so earlier. While the driver was drunk, they don't know if he knew the guy or what's going on here. While we know it wasn't a targeted hit, the cops don't.

Quoted Text Annabelle’s and Lenny’s date feels bad too. Again, he is such a coarse jerk, I cannot believe that she enjoys the date.

I think from what I'm gathering thus far is that I should give Annabelle more story.

Quoted Text How come the only thing Ken can touch is the silver gun? Is it the fact that it is made out of silver?

Misinterpretation While this object has a little more attention, he also interacts with Annabelle's journal, he sits in chairs at tables, throws a hammer, etc.  The only rule I made for interaction with objects is that he can interact with anything inanimate, but it has no parallel result in the "real" world(i.e. Lenny takes the gun after Ken shoots).

Quoted Text Page 42 Fate says “we better hope there’s a lot left�. A lot left of what?

Hope!  

Quoted Text Ken sure drives around a lot following Annabelle and Lenny. I kind of wonder why since he’s unable to do anything...

Observing, watching, "keeping an eye out."  Here's this guy who just inadvertently took over Ken's destiny, so curiosity gets the best of him.

Quoted Text Why is Ken walking “timidly� towards the couch when he knows no one can see him or feel his presence?

While no one knows he's there, he's still himself.  It's like when you're about to console someone and you may do things slower or more gently.

Quoted Text Fate tells Ken Heaven will accept him with open arms. Again, what exactly is it that he’s done?

Could you clarify what you mean?  I think those @$#@$#@ symbols are starting to mess with me, man!

Good questions and very good feedback! You've always provided valuable feedback for...I think everything I've written! Thank you very much for checking this out and I'm glad you enjoyed it and I hope you also enjoy J-Rock's piece!!

PS - BIG CONGRATS on taking first place!!!!  You rock my socks!!!!

hey greg sorry for delay, here in oklahoma been crazy since power has been out and i hadnt printed off ur script,

Im at right ken meets fate, so expect more soon.

So far reads smooth and quick

Hey JD, no worries, take your time. I probably won't have the chance to get to your piece until next week anyway.  Don't beat me up.

Hope the rest runs smooth for you!

Hi Greg, saw this on Script Exchange Board. Mine hasnt' been posted yet but when it does I hope you can take a look at it.

The fate character could use some work. With a title like that, the character should be more impressive or original or something different. Never got the sense of that. Not saying that Fate has to be epic, serious, whatever, but that someone so important and non-human should stand out.

The explanation of balancing fates was nice.  As is your description of the world/universe going haywire because of Ken’s early demise.

Something I am not clear on is that if Ken and Anabelle were meant for one another then why does she fall for Lenny so quickly when he seems to be the opposite of Ken?

One of the main problems I’m having right now with the script is that Ken doesn’t and pretty much cant do anything.  Everybody else is acting and he is just observing which almost makes him a backseat character. It is action packed with him in the last little bit, but for most of the script all we do is observe instead of see him act.  The concept of fate being ruined is very interesting, but I never felt very interested in any of the characters because of the lack of interaction between Kenny and Lenny/Anabelle and the fact that most of Fate’s role was boiled down to explanation of the universe and his jobs instead of actions by him.

"I feel that I grew a lot as a writer with this piece."

That was my exact thought too. Maybe that's why I enjoyed it a lot.

Obviously I must have had a lead brain while reading this. Seemed I misunderstood quite a few things, haha.

Go with your instinct in the rewrite and I'm sure it will turn out great.

Hey Halls,

Thanks for checking this out.  Your piece is queued on my list behind 2 others that I'll get to once my break starts(this afternoon, officially)!

To address two of your points, I see what you're saying with making Fate a bigger character, however that's what I avoided.  The reason being, in Heaven you got the G-man, and in Hell you got the Bad Boy, and since Half-Point is right in the middle I wanted it to balance there and didn't want to make Fate on the same level as other major "supernatural" beings.

Your other point of why did Anna fall for Lenny if she's made for Ken?  Good question.  The reason being is that although in the normal destiny they were made for each other, after Ken died the destiny lines became askew, so since now they're out of balance, things that weren't meant to be begin to happen to adjust to the new destiny being written(i.e. the guy jumping off the bridge who wasn't supposed to die for 60-something years).

So thanks again for checking this out!  You'll be hearing from me on your piece in good time!

Ah, ok then I guess I understand the Anna for Lenny thing.

As for Fate, I didn't mean that he should be a bigger character in terms of power or importance or anything like that, just that I expeced him to stand out more since it is Fate. I understand your argument with the neutraility theme, but I think even with Fate being in the middle and being completely neutral you make that into something memorable.

page 38, he was suppose to be watching anna then just BAM, he wonders if any knows he is gone... I think this sudden change would work better if in anna/lenny convo talk about familiy or friends in a question askin toward themselves and THEN this question pushing him to see about his own friends family missing him. It would be seem less selfish/thinking of his own death affected anyone.

also as of page 38, to lil have hapn to be at almost half of the script i would suggest removing extra dialogue that directly doesnt pull plot forward so it doesnt slow.

pg 44. lol smacks him in the head with the paper

pg 45. i would remove " Fate doesn't say a word." Obviously he doesnt she u dont make him speak. Just "fate points to the couch."

page 48, i think as of right now It would be more becoming to Ken's character to not to refer to fate as fate but like F or fay-tizzle" u know just something that mocks Fate for messing up "fate" for him and there fore he died. Since clearly he doesnt deserve the name "fate" if it can be screwed up. Just a suggestion tho

pg 49. Fate sure didnt figure anything thing else out that i didnt think he would have already known from he let ken go in the car.

As or now or withing next couple pages, the stakes havent been really raised for jn, he still doin what he was doin 15 pages ago. by page 55 i think in the 3 act structure stakes should be raised to the protagonist. Then again u did mention the world comes to an end, but he clearly doesnt know what to do ( have a chance) to make it better. Dunno.. am I making sense? Then again he could find out how to in next couple pages so ignore this if he does!


I am glad u put in tho that it would be back lashing just returning him to before to save it, that would be cliche. Good touch

P52. APRIL : I'm sorry." Think should be annabelle
54. I may be reading wrong, but seems odd goin from the 'rape' like circumstance to chatting with fate, doesnt flow well. I would add something in the scene describing anna's reaction to his lifting her up and carrying her out to say its welcomed or she is resisting. So far its unclear
pg 56, thor,- seen adventures in baby sitting? ;0)

64, One major thing that is troubling me, is that u seem to have two different tones throughtout ur script.
You start with kinda of comedic into it, u keep it light but then u have, harsh tones with lenny and annabell scenes its likes switches from pg 13 to R with them.

67. "I hate thing life, etc" seems forced... I would revise it. like "what did I do" "God please help me"  and or give her some action instead of words to convey this. like smash a picture of her and lenny together.

pg 77, u said got o the source, why not take out the ashole kenny instead of sweet anna, hopefullyi will find out in the story.

ken: its over, your free" line seems kinda cheesy.

drnk driver goes for hell for accident? hmmm

Hmm Character was clever and spoke their own voice, but cant say i truelly felt for any. Some need work 3densionally

I would think Ken would be alil more angry with fate since Fate screwed up his destiny.
Structure,was so so, was alil off

Dialogue was good, but too much at certain places and bad one liners at others.
I ask myself now, y did he(we) even  go thru the whole ordeal is the 1st place? Fate already know what to be done but just BSn around what he alrdy knew. And no big surprise he returns, I had hoped for something different.

I think after page 30 the tone and agruements of what he is doin there and what has to be done gets muddled.
I have more questions then I have answers in the story.

What was Ken suppose to do to help anna? NOTHING, yet Fate sends him to " watch" while he figures out what he alrdy knows?
If u goin to do this, u goin to have to let Ken figure out some way to alter reality so that he is helping her. Like Becuz he discovered someway since he is in between worlds at the hand of fate then she is is muddling with the new destiny,ken like has to be sent back to try and save one everything getting messed up since he figured way to beat fate by him (ken) able to affect the new reality. Which would make a lot more since to be then just doin what we alrdy know was goin to hapn. So that is is forced back.
Im just throwing an idea out there. Get creative, what u have written has been done before. U didnt bring anything new to the table


And again i had hard time stayn in tune with the script cuz of the different tones thru out. It needs to be consistent. I think it should be MAYBE alot darker outside of lenny and anna's scenes, to make it a clear drama.

Cant say I didnt like it. Good attempt on 1st draft, I know u can do better. If u got questions, im here to answer

JD,

Thanks for checking this out.  You know I respect you and I respect the opinions that you and everyone has whatever they may be, but, honestly, the one thing that stood out to me through all of that was "Get creative."  

I don't want to take away from anything you said because those are your opinions, but I mean, that's why we're all doing what we're doing, right?  Because we want to be creative.  And when you spend a great deal of time on something(this isn't a 1st draft, by the way), a comment like that really jumps out at you and kind of stings you in the ass.

I don't know.  The new NC draft wasn't up when I last checked, but I'll check it out when it is.

Thanks again

Dont get my wrong, It takes imagination and time to make a script, what i meant for by get Creative was, know what u want it in the story, but take it to the next level with ur own creativity and do something with what u want that hasnt been doin before. Ur story has good bones, and ideas, but needs to be strengthened with the story and over coming obstacles.

Hard for me to explain.

I think it would make more interesting if Ken had figure a way out beat fate a his game so fate would be forced to send Ken back, not just , send me back, no, send me back, no, send me back, hmm no,  then to "Ok"

I didnt connect for a real obstacle for ken to over come while he was dead. its like he had no control over anything and or leway to get things to work out for him.

Hey JD, thanks for that and the IM.  I think just seeing that phrase is like death for all writers but I know you're not one to offend people in any way, so thanks for reaching out and my apologies for taking you out of your zone.  The feedback you provided was very fair and thanks again for checking it out.

And once again, that IM opening was an honest mistake!!!  I can't stress that enough!!  Downloaded NC to my desktop, will get to it right away!

Hey,

This wasn't bad. I think it has potential, but I'm also having a hard time saying I really liked it. I hope that gives you an idea of how I felt about. On to the more specific criticisms.

Characters:

Ken: I thought Ken was alright, but not spectacular. I personally didn't find him that interesting, the stuff happening to him was but not him himself. He was occasionally funny. He did get me to root for him eventually(again though I think it was really not because of him, it was more because of his circumstances and Lenny being a douche). Overall I thought he was fairly solid, a decent main character.

I agree with some of the other that you should play up his lack of backbone at the beginning, that wasn't clear to me when I was reading it.

Also, I hated the name Dundee. That name has connotations. Crocodile connotations. I lent itself to making it difficult for me to take him seriously.  

Fate: I liked him the best, funny interesting, really well done I thought. There are some logic issues that emanate from him but I thought he was really good.

Lenny: Like I said before, I thought he was a douche, but that was his purpose so in that regard I thought he was alright. You kind of spent a lot of time on his mischievous business dealings, I know you really wanted to make us hate him but I think you could have gotten the point across with less, and less is more.

Annabell: I did like Annabell(I mean who could hate a sweet crippled girl) but at the same time I thought she was just kind of there as a trophy for Ken to win. There was some characterization and empathizing but I think there should be some more.

On that note, I didn't have a problem with the believability of the of the Annabell/Lenny relationship, fates supposed to be all screwed up so crazy stuff supposed to happen, right? I chalked it up to that. But also, I think you should be showing other things that are happening that are a little odd besides them. I know you do it some but I think it could use some more.

Also, I agree with the others that there should be some more emphasis on Ken being into Annabell at the beginning, and also that he's too much of a wimp to seize the day and talk to her.

Story structure: Overall I thought it worked. I have a couple complaints though. For me at least, things didn't get interesting until Ken got hit by the car and he goes to Half-Point. So for me, it would be best if you could compress all of the set up as much as possible. I think you could make the scene in the restaurant shorter(get there late and leave early, or I mean earlier . Also, some of the stuff with Chuck I think you can lose or compress. At the same time though, like I said before, I think you do need to add a little something more with Annabel and Ken. I don't know how much you'll be able to make it shorter overall but I think it could be streamlined some.

Story: I've seen stories that a similar to this but I think you put a different enough of a spin on it that it's different enough, it has its own character. I thought it at times was really cute, sometimes funny, sometimes dark, and I thought you managed those things fairly well, there were also some ideas heaped onto it which were kind of interesting(although I do have to say that I disagree with your metaphysics)

On a side note, unlike the others, I didn't have a problem with the length of the conversation between Fate and Ken when he is explaining thing. I thought it was interesting and thus it held my attention. Bert is right about there being redundancies in it but I assumed you had those in there to give us another pass at the information. That said, I'd probably agree with him that it could and should be shortened some.

I think there are two main problems you're having.

For some things, mostly Ken I guess, while I think your going in the right direction, I don't think you quite hit the right note. What I'm talking about here is: Ken's lack of back bone (restaurant scene, talk with boss), some of the stuff with Ken and Anna. I've mentioned this stuff above.

Besides that though, I think you also have some motivation/reasoning issues. So, I'll just through them out there.

If Fate foresaw the problem from the beginning then why didn't he stop the drunk driver/truck, or intervene in some other way? It seems like a better solution then letting Ken go on a journey of self discovery.

After Fate brings Ken back in specter form he tells Ken to protect Anna, but Ken can't really do anything, (I mean he basically watches her get killed.  Fate should also know that Ken can't do anything right? I figure this is part of Fates larger plan, right? But still, I know you need to withhold this information from us till later but I think you could come up with something better then go protect her even though you can't do anything.

If I was Ken, I would do more then follow Annabell and Lenny around. Doesn't he have family or anything? You kind of cover this with the order to protect Annabel but I don't think it was adequately done.  

I thought Ken couldn't interact with stuff but he picks up papers and opens doors. When I was going along I thought this was in violation of the rules that Fate set up, (you're the wind between the cars or what ever) If those are the rules I think you should make them more clear.

You have the part where they decide to fast forward time. I assume you did this for plot purposes, so we can see Annabell's and Lenny's relationship deteriorate, but Fate's and  Ken's rational for doing it made no sense to me at all. So, everything is going to hell if we don't do something to fix fate. But wait, I have a bright idea! Lets fast forward time without doing anything to see if it's fixed its self in the future for some reason. At very least, why not let things run their natural course of events so you have more time to come up with a solution, instead of just jumping ahead to certain catastrophe. The only thing that could remotely salvage this for me is if time is of no consequence for Fate and he knows this, but it doesn't come off that way. And without Ken knowing that why would he think of this?      

I think the best way to make sense of the whole thing is that Fate realized, from the beginning, that the best solution would be to let Ken watch the stuff with Anna so he he realize that he's important and needs to seize the day, then to send him back so he could get with Anna.(Did I get that right?) It seems like a really round about and precarious(I mean he's betting everything on this guy) way to fix the universe/time/space/existence.

Also, Fate doesn't want to go to God to fix this because it's Fate's mess. Really? He's going to sac time/space/ and all existence because he doesn't want to get yelled at? I don't think God would be pleased with his decision.

Some of these things are easier to overlook then others (the most problematic for me was the time fast forward) but you really should try to address them. (Some of them I know you do try to address but I wasn't really buying it)

Final thoughts:

Alright, overall, I think this has some potential. There's some good stuff but there are also some problems. I can't really say I liked it but also I don't think it was bad.

All leave you with the notes I had:

Dundee has connotations, crocodile connotations, I having trouble taking it seriously.

I think you could make the Restaurant scene more compact, maybe start it with him already seated and what not.  

Pg. 15 Is it necessary to know that the driver is drunk? It seems a little forced. Also, that was some amazing response time for those cops.

Pg. 18  ,so you should know me… or at least of me…  ??? I think you’re missing a word or something.

Pg. 21 “But you were a thousand feet in that direction.” Not a big issue but it seems to me like you have a tendency to slip exposition details into dialog that we don’t really have to know, I find it a little distracting. Pg. 70 “You can hear me now because you’re in another world”

Pg 41 He picks up a paper? I thought he couldn’t interact with stuff.

Pg 42 He opens the door? Maybe I read your rules wrong but I thought he couldn’t interact with stuff. Can’t people see/hear what he’s doing?

Pg. 43 How did Ken know that he could just go back? Did fate tell him that?

Pg 43 “What happened now?” What happens now?

Pg 53 April? I think that’s a typo.

Pg. 63 the going into the future plan doesn’t make sense at all to me? Things are already going forward and they are eventually going to hell right? If you don’t change anything and just accelerate going forward isn’t that just going to make things go to hell faster?

Pg 70 I thought Ken’s speech to the sleeping Anna was cheesy

Pg 73 I think you wanted to show us that it was worse, right? I think you could find a way to do this less bluntly.

Ph 73 “Ken, maybe it’s time I just get you out of here. There’s not much more you can do.” Yeah, I agree, Ken basically did nothing, he should get out of there. Why did fate let him run around when he knew that he couldn’t do anything.

Pg 73 I’m not following. What conclusion has he come to?


sheepwalker    



  

Hey Sheep,

Thanks for checking this out!  One thing that I'm finding with the reviews is that everyone has different thoughts on what to believe/can't believe in here.  Ultimately it seems more needs to be done in the believability factor which, given this doesn't include the format conflicts/lengthly lagging my previous two features had, is still progress in the writing process.  I don't know how far I'll go in revamping as I'm thinking drama probably isn't my thing, but your feedback is noted.  I think I'm just gonna stick to shorts for a while.

And Ken can't interact with people or things that they're interacting with.  If it's a lone object, then he can interact with that.

I see you have a few things up on the site so I shall add that to my ever growing to-do list!

Thanks again!

Greg

Hey Greg,

Decided to take a break from writing and look at things from the other side for a little change of pace.  Specter looked like a good place to start.

I like the buildup to Ken's demise and the transition with the orbiting galaxy within his eye.  I think it'd be a cool effect on screen and was a good piece of writing in a "direct with actually directing" sense.  

I do think you're running just a little bit long to get there though.  I think you could spare to cut the scene with Ken and Rose at the restaurant since the conversation between Ken and Chuck fills us in on it enough.  Not that it's redundant, just not really necessary.

Not sure I get Fate's line about Ken being a dime a dozen.  If he's supposed to be an honest, stand up guy in a shallow world, wouldn't he be a little more valuable?

I noticed the little blurb in Bert's feedback about the scene between Ken and Fate in the middle world, and I don't see any issue with it other than the fact that these two would be talking in a white room with absolutely no type of background for an extended period of time.  What;s to say that fate can't switch things up a bit and give his breakdown in a setting that is more familiar/comfortable?  You break it up nicely with the street scenes, but another one in there wouldn't hurt.  As it is, it reminds me of the Morpheus/Neo scene in The Matrix.  Right down to the karate type outfits.

The buildup to Lenny and Annabelle at the apartment was a little predictable.  Lenny seemed to be a little brash and rough around the edges.  Definitely not a charmer even at first glance.  I think by softening him up a a bit you can make the audience a little more sympathetic to Annabelle.  Sure, she doesn't have much experience in the dating realm, but she shouldn't be entirely gullible either.  

I think it's more or less a slow transition from the ultimate nice guy to the ultimate douche bag.

Ken shouldn't be able to remove the blanket over Annabelle with the forcefield the way it is.

On the whole I really liked the story.  I caught a lot of the dry/subtle humor filtered throughout and it made for an enjoyable read.  I can't really compare it to your other works since this is somewhat different, actually, a lot different, but I definitely enjoyed it.  You employed the theme right at the onset and kept it going throughout.  

At times I was reminded of a some other stuff like "What Dreams May Come", "It's a Wonderful Life" and even "The Family Man".  No big deal there though.  I don't read anything that doesn't remind me of something.

Anyway, no real beefs, just the few minor things I mentioned above.  

Great Work.

Holy crap this is getting a lot today.

Like I saw last week with a few reviews, each one today varied in opinion.  While I knew the concepts would promote a lot of questions, I didn't expect so many different views, but it's made for a fascinating experience to see what everyone thinks.

Well, Mike, thanks for reading this and thanks for the comments!  As always, they are much appreciated.  I know this was out of the norm but I wanted to see what I could do.  Whether I'll do that again is yet to be seen.

And your newborn is ridiculously good looking.  Curse his adorable-ness!

Greg

Quoted from greg One thing that I'm finding with the reviews is that everyone has different thoughts on what to believe/can't believe in here.  Ultimately it seems more needs to be done in the believability factor which, given this doesn't include the format conflicts/lengthly lagging my previous two features had, is still progress in the writing process.

Sorry, but I'm a little confused as to what you're saying. I thought, as a whole, it was believable. I mean, you have to suspend some belief but once you do everything is alright.

Or are you talking about the, don't to mean to be blunt but, plot holes. Space/time manipulation and all knowingness can really opens up a can of worms (Look at Heroes for example, damn those writers, what were they thinking!) in fact considering(Heroes for example) I thought you did an alright job. The plot holes you have though I think can be fixed, it'll just take some work.

Quoted from greg I don't know how far I'll go in revamping as I'm thinking drama probably isn't my thing, but your feedback is noted.  I think I'm just gonna stick to shorts for a while.

Really, I don't think this is bad at all. If you work on it it could turn out  pretty well. I hope you aren't dismissing it because a couple of us weren't ecstatic.

Quoted from greg I see you have a few things up on the site so I shall add that to my ever growing to-do list!

It's not necessary really, this was my good deed for the day. I just killed a man so I'm trying to get karma points . Only, one hundred billion more on the house reviews to go and I'm a free man.

But if you insist.

I'm hoping I'm going to finish an Action/Comedy script (think Shawn of the Dead and Rambo II's love child) before the end of winter break and get it up here. So, if thats more up your alley feel free to wait for that.

sheepwalker  

Quoted Text Or are you talking about the, don't to mean to be blunt but, plot holes.

That's what I was implying haha.

Quoted Text Really, I don't think this is bad at all. If you work on it it could turn out  pretty well. I hope you aren't dismissing it because a couple of us weren't ecstatic.

No, no, that's not it at all.  Believe me, I've received feedback that literally bashed me around for the heck of it but that never stopped me.  The feedback here is great stuff, but I think at the same time...actually, you know what?  I'm just going to embrace the reviews I've received and decide what I want to do later.  Perhaps drama isn't my thing, but then again, perhaps a good revision will do wonders.  We'll see.  

Quoted Text I'm hoping I'm going to finish an Action/Comedy script (think Shawn of the Dead and Rambo II's love child) before the end of winter break and get it up here. So, if thats more up your alley feel free to wait for that.

Well hey, you reviewed my new piece so I'll review yours!  Plus I got a bunch to get to before yours, so I gotta get my fatass in gear!

Lemme just say  I started reading this script about three weeks ago but I never finished it because I'd been extremely stressed out with Finals in school. But what I did read was very good. Very natural-sounding dialogue and very interesting. I got to the part where Fate gives him the car. I was too stressed to keep reading, plus, no offense, but that part was EXTREMELY cheesy to the point where I was repulsed. "Let's get in the Heaven-o-bile to find our loved one!" Ugh.

Other than that, what I read of the script was ace. My favorite scene would have to be where Fate reveals the drunk driver's extraordinary family history--it was great, and it's true too! Just because you come from a successful family tree, doesn't mean you're not gonna have to work for your place in the world.

Sorry, maybe I'll read this in its entirety in the future, just not now.

--Julio

Julioooo, my main man,

Thanks for the read and your words.  I know that finals can be a bitch, just try your hardest and give it your best.  Nevertheless, I appreciate the comments!

One more in the bag for returns.  I started Newton's Cradle today, which is the first feature I've read in months.  I know there's a few shorts you got on here that I haven't read yet and I don't know if you have any features.  PM me what you'd like or I'll hunt you out when the time comes.

Thanks again!
Greg