Life Lessons by Aaron Dias - Drama -  Mary has a crush on her cute coworker Gene, but finds he plans to kill himself in less than two weeks. Now, instead of dating him, she feels she has a limited time to convince him that life is worth living... a task which is met with great difficulty. 94 pages - pdf, format

Hello, before the board crashed I actually got a few positive reviews for my script, but I took the negative reviews very seriously and came up with a new draft, one I feel is much better, but still needs some work. If there is anybody out there still interested in reading this, please contact me and I can send the newest draft.

Also, I've had a number of people contact me about making the project. Unfortunately this isn't going to be a possibility anymore, as I'm making it myself. We've just begun preproduction on it and you can read about its status on my new web site (www.skinofthepeach.com) So if there still is a filmmaker out there that likes the script and wants to make this project, you have one of two options, either offer some financial compensation for the rights to it or contact me about writing something new. I'm working on a few scripts that are similar to this and one might be open to other filmmakers in the future.

Thanks for the support, and wish us luck with the project.

-Aaron

Hey Aaron,

If you haven't already you can start a topic in the Script Review Exchange thread. Another way to get reviews is to read and review other people's scripts.

Rob

Thanks, I'll do that now.

It was a bit hard for me to get through this script, honestly.  The reason was that nothing really happens until over two-thirds in - when Elizabeth gets pregnant.  Up until this point, the script is simply a series of lengthy conversations with a changing background.  There are a few points in which something does happen - giving the bum a lotto ticket, Gene and Mary kissing, Gene and Mary having sex, Gene looking for a job - but they don't really move the plot.  At best they provide an inciting topic for the next conversation.

The problem is that all of this dialogue reads like a civilized discussion of philosophy.  We don't see Gene and Mary actually being themselves.  We just hear them providing points of view in an unnatural, almost academic sense - with quirky side comments.  In fact, this same tone is present in virtually all of the conversations in the script, resulting in a serious lack of depth in emotion.  Every conversation ends up feeling a bit the same.

Dialogue should either reveal something about a character, move the plot forward, or both.  The majority of these conversations do neither.  Additionally, dialogue should only be one of your tools to accomplish these things.  You need to have action and events!

The initial encounter between Gene and Mary felt really false to me.  Why would she be so open about her interest in him?  We don't know why she's so interested in him (and never really find out, actually).  Without some sort of motivating factor, it's hard to believe that she would risk her job as well as rejection and embarrassment by being so blunt.  Why is he worth all of that risk?  Additionally, what makes Gene tell her about his plans of suicide?  Why would he trust her with something like that?  By having these issues come to the surface so simply, the story feels a bit slapstick.

I can't really buy Gene as a suicide, either.  Nothing about him reveals any reason for suicide.  He does well at work, he has a nice apartment, loving parents, enjoys playing hockey and video games, loves Firefly, and he's always cracking jokes.  Though he may claim to be miserable, he never shows it.  In fact, I think that he comes across as less depressed than Mary.  All his talk of suicide seems like it's just a joke.

Those were really the biggest problems I had, though the lack of action is really the most important issue.  There really is a story here, but it's buried under all that chatter.  You have some pretty interesting ideas pop up in some places, but you really need to trim off the excess.  Nobody wants to watch a movie about two people talking to each other.  Try to work the important parts of the conversation into the events of your script, rather than letting a conversation substitute as an event.

Other issues:

Gene, Mary, and Elizabeth all sound exactly the same.  Try to give them distinctive voices.

The scene at the ice skating rink felt a bit cliche.  Also, how fancy could she really get with hockey skates?

Gonna, gotta, dunno, and Pistons don't need apostrophes.

Sudoku, not suduko.

Questions in the dialogue are frequently ended with a period rather than a question mark.

In a few spots, you give camera directions.  I'd avoid this.

You use "Continuous" in the slugline several times, but it's never actually appropriate for the scene.

No character descriptions for Gene or Mary.

The scene with Roger and Elizabeth watching American Idol is a bit random and doesn't really contribute anything.

At IHOP, they already have their coffee when the waitress comes to take their order.

Escapist - Thanks for your review, and I appreciate you sticking through a script you didn't like. I probably should have mentioned that it is written to be a script mostly about people talking... It's interesting that you say that nobody wants to watch a movie about two people talking to each other. Some of my favorite movies are just that, and a lot of the film festival movies I've been to over the past years are nothing more than dialogue. I also wanted to have a script that was uncomplicated enough to be able to film myself.

As far as the conversations about philosophy, I can understand why you don't find them interesting, although I can't see how you can say they don't reveal anything about their chracters. Each conversation is littered with information about their characters, whether you find that information worthy is a matter of personal preference I suppose. The only scene that doesn't really do anything, as you point out, is the first one between Roger and Elizabeth. The only reason it's there is because I thought she was away from the movie for too long, and I wanted to have her there. Everything else I wrote with specific plot and character development in mind.

I had imagined that people might not find Gene suicidal, but I really didn't want to give him a lot of cliche reasons for being that way. One thing that might be an indicator is the complete absence of any other friends in the script. He is alone. Nobody is going to just act depressed all the time, even if they are, and he sees Mary as somebody reaching out, which is why he reveals his intention to her, also because he doesn't really want to do it and he really just needs one voice to talk him out of it.

I do agree that I need to work a little bit more on giving them separate voices, and many of your other complaints are valid. I just reread it and cringed at a lot of the typos and stuff. A lot of the rest may just be because this isn't your type of movie, which I understand.  Thanks for reading it anyway, and be sure to let me know if you post anything in the future. I'll definitely to give it a read through.

-Aaron

Well, I was exaggerating a bit when I said nobody wants to see a movie about two people talking to each other (there's exceptions to everything!)...but I think it generally holds true.  I'd be interested to hear what favorite movies you have that you would classify this way.  I can't honestly think of movies that I would say are about two people talking to each other.  I've heard Jeepers Creepers is basically that, though I've never seen it myself (and I've heard it's terrible).

I can think of many movies that are conversation heavy, however.  Clerks is a really good example of this.  However, the movie isn't really about the conversations between Randall and Dante.  It's about Dante having a really bad day, questioning his relationships, and ultimately making a choice between two women.  It's also punctuated with action, from the various customers, to the hockey game, to the funeral trip.  Many of Kevin Smith's other movies and many of Quentin Tarantino's movies also consist of quite a bit of conversation.  But the movie is never about the conversations.

You have the underlying story for your script, but it's not really being told by the conversations.  Gene and Mary are simply sharing philosophies, with no real changes being made in either's beliefs...until somehow, Gene abruptly decides to kiss her.  Then he's in love and doesn't want to kill himself anymore.  We never see the progress towards this change.  So until this point, the movie is really about the conversations themselves, rather than a change occurring in Gene.  This is what I think your movie should really be about (and what I think you intend it to be about), so hopefully I'm explaining it more clearly this time.    Basically, I feel that the dialogue isn't moving the story forward enough - it's just sort of swirling it around.  Right now, it feels more like the characters and the storyline exist to facilitate these conversations, rather than the other way around.

My problem with the conversations about philosophy is that too much of it is unnecessary to the story and not particularly striking.  I think you spend too much time setting up the ideas you want to relate, when you're better off just cutting to the chase.  Using Gene and Mary's conversation from the middle of page 20 to the middle of page 23 as an example, the meat of what you have is that Gene feels suicide can't send you to hell because it would debunk free will.  I think this is pretty flawed reasoning, but that's irrelevant.  It reveals something about Gene that relates to the plot, so it's important.  Mary's brother being agnostic and her reflections on her catechism days don't really add anything, however.

If you look at their conversation from page 38 to 41, there are a few highlights:
*Gene feels he has a closer relationship to his desk lamp than to God
*He would be willing to be a mindless robot if it meant he was happy
*He thinks free will is a reflection of God's ego
These are really great ideas, but they're absolutely buried amongst a bunch of other ideas that don't matter nearly as much.  So what if Gene was hardcore Christian?  How does that relate to the story?  It could factor in, but as it is, it really doesn't.  This is what I meant when I said that the conversations don't reveal anything about the characters - they don't tell us anything relevant.  We get a lengthy story about Gene's body check in peewee hockey, but what does that have to do with anything?  Where does Mary's ex-fiance factor into the story?  These stories give us more information about the characters, but you may as well be telling us their shoe sizes.  Unless the information affects the storyline, it's not really revealing anything.  Gene could tell us he used to be a woman, but unless it relates somehow, it's just extra fluff.

As for Gene's suicide - maybe he is lonely, and sure, depressed people don't always act depressed.  The problem is that you never show Gene as lonely or depressed.  Where are these establishing shots of Gene alone and miserable in his apartment?  Also, he's always so full of energy - he absolutely dominates every conversation he's in.  He's also extremely empathetic and passionate about things.  While it's all well and good to avoid cliche reasons for suicide, you do need to give a reason.  If you look at suicidal characters in the movies (Frank from Little Miss Sunshine, Lane from Better Off Dead, George from It's a Wonderful Life), there's always an inciting factor.  Some specific incident needs to occur that makes a person decide to commit suicide.  Even if it's something small and seemingly inconsequential.  I think this should still be there even if Gene isn't serious about it - he still needs some reason to fake being suicidal.

You are probably right that this isn't really my type of movie.  This is really a romantic comedy, and I tend to divide those into two groups.  Masculine romcoms (frequently starring Ben Stiller) are about the antics an underdog goes through to get the wondergirl whereas feminine romcoms are more about feelings and so forth.  And feminine romcoms aren't really my thing.  It should also be noted that I have a reputation for being hypercritical.    I did actually like the end of your script, though, from Elizabeth's pregnancy onward (though the abortion conversation still dragged a little).  I'd really like to see the first half work towards it more, though, as opposed to having it fall from the sky.

Hopefully you'll get some more reviews so you can see what seems to be general consensus and where I'm just being my picky self.  Perhaps someone can explain more clearly what I mean about "a movie about two people talking".    It really feels to me like you had these conversations in mind first, then built a story that could incorporate them, rather than the other way around.  I think it's fine to use your movie to share philosophy on suicide, God, abortion, or whatever.  But I think it needs to be done in concise and/or relevant ways.  Donnie Darko is my favorite movie, and it's full of philosophy - but it's never revealed through long discussions.  Rather, the ideas pop up at various points throughout the script.

Wow, Escapist, thanks a lot for that response. It's a lot more helpful to me in what you mean.

To answer your question, the Before Sunrise/Before Sunset movies by Richard Linklater are some of my favorite "talky" movies. They are really nothing more than just talking... the way real conversations seem to work.  A lot of times they get off topic, tangental, and completely pointless the way real conversations do. Some people really hate these movies, I love them. But I do tend to gravitate toward some of the movies you mentioned that have competely unrelated conversations to the plot. (i.e. Death Star contractors in Clerks, and I like the opening scene of Reservoir Dogs more than the entire rest of the movie.) Anyway, I'm not pretending my dialogue or script is nearly as witty as those classics, but hopefully that gives you a sense of why I don't neccesarily shy away from non-plot related dialogue.

At any rate, I'm not trying to be those movies. While I do want this to be mostly dialogue, I don't want scenes to go on forever and potentially lose interest for people that don't have the insane addiction to dialogue I have. I think that a lot of your comments will be helpful in the revision process. A lot of the Gene rants about his views stuff I was toying with cutting down even before submitting it, but then I decided I wanted to know whether people thought the whole conversation was interesting or not. So one vote "not interesting." I think I'll end up trimming it regardless of what people say, I guess the responses will indicate how much.

Okay, I would agree that written in the script, Gene's kiss comes a little sudden. I should really do more things to make his attraction to her clearer. I think the only thing in the script to show his attraction her previous to this is when she is helping him with the DVD player and he stops to check her out, and then the way he stares at her as she figure skates. Apart from this, I wanted a lot of the attraction to be conveyed through the actors, which I admit isn't very helpful when reading it on a screen.

Before this point I wanted the movie to be about Mary trying unsuccessfully to convince Gene that life is worth living through words. She finds that Gene has thought a lot more about this than she ever imagined, which obiviously leads to some of the problematic dialogue. She eventually realizes it's futile to try arguing with him, and decides that maybe all he needs is a friend, which is why she comes at him from a different approach... trying to understand him and just listen... which also leads to some lengthly dialogue that I think I just convinced myself can be cut down. I'm not yet sure how to change the conversations from being an exchange of philosophy, to something that feels a little more genuine, but perhaps this will happen a little more through cutting.

Anyway, you are right in that I do want it to be about a change in Gene, so perhaps I need to spend a little more time showing how much better his life is with Mary in it. (And perhaps a scene showing how miserable his life is. I wanted this information to be shown through the "I hate my life" game, but now that I think about it, this comes a little late in the plot, and perhaps it doesn't really sell the point.)

I'm not sure how much yet that I agree or disagree with some of the information you said is irrelevant. Some of it is said just because that's what I'd imagine the characters saying given the situation, so perhaps it isn't extremely relevant, but I'd like to think it adds some spice to who they are, what their family life is like, and how this influences their current actions. Gene formerly being a Christian helps us understand why he currently feels so hopeless... losing faith in something you believe absolutely... maybe it's overkill, or maybe it explains a lot about why he talks the way he does. The comment about her brother being agnostic and what her father thinks says a lot about why Elizabeth acts the way she does later in the film. The thing about Mary's ex explains why she generally has trust issues, why she seems to be a little hopeless too, and why she is so passionate about Gene now that she's decided to pursue him. The thing about the bodycheck... well yes, that's completely pointless. I only put it in there because I thought it was an interesting story, I wanted to show them having more normal conversations, and I thought it added to the likability of Gene. If it's not interesting, then I don't have a problem cutting it.

Overall, your review has become very helpful to me, and I'm sure others will fill in some of the greyer areas that I'm still unsure about. I truly appreciate your thoughtful and detailed "hypercritical" review. Hopefully my revisions will reflect that.

Let me preface my review of this by saying I give you a big congrats for finishing a feature, it is a daunting task and I respect anyone who does it.

I thought the first 20 pages were actually pretty good, I liked your dialogue and it kept me interested.

But after that i feel like it kinda fell apart, the characters had no real depth. Gene is a cynic yes you developed that nicely but i didnt believe for a minute he was suicidal.

I dont really understand why Gene would tell Mary so abruptly he wanted to kill himself,  people who are that depressed that they are about to take their own life normally dont so openly talk about it.

Even after he said he wanted to though, i sorta thought he was joking it had no real gravity for me. And that care shown from Mary seemed contrived to me.

I also would say you need to work on giving Mary and Elizabeth more to seperate them they seemed to be the same person to me.

And Gene kissing Mary was completely random... no real set up for that, kinda came out of nowhere, that is such a monumental moment in the film it deserves a little more set up i believe.

The story completely lost me at about page 49. Gene decided not to kill himself, that WAS the entire story to me, its what kept me reading was to see if he would kill himself or not. But you resolve that at page 49.

The rest of the story after that point lost me, The whole pregnancy storyline was weak to me because you didnt do anything in the first act to make me care about Elizabeth or really setup the story at all for that matter except for the fact she slept around.

Ok with all those negatives i just mentioned, i think you as a writer have potential, alot of your dialogue i liked it sound like real conversations and i too like to have the occasional conversations about nothing in my script i feel it gives characters a realism.

But you tended to go on philosophical tangents to often that derailed things, and alot of the reactions back and forth seemed contrived almost too spot on.

I have to agree with the escapist where he says you have a good core story here.

A Man is contemplating Suicide and a woman who loves him does her best to change his mind.

your story just gets lost in shallow characters and too long philosophical speeches.

Break up all the talking with more action, build more depth to Mary and Elizabeth, and develop the Elizabeth storyline sooner in the film and it will go along way to making this a better read.

Overall i think you have a pretty good start like i said initially i liked the first half of this script, and i like the concept of LOVE helping to save a cynical man from suicide. but i feel you still have some work to do on tweaking this one a little.

I look forward to reading your future work, keep on writing.

Thanks for your review. I already responded to a lot of the points made before the board crash, but what the hey, typing this out helps me think about my script a lot closer, so I'll do it again.

Anyway, in future drafts, there will be a lot more Elizabeth in the first act. Hopefully this will help to give Mary and her a little more "depth," although I'm trying to be careful not to make this too long, or have a lot of pointless scenes. I really don't know what more to add without being superfluous. One thing I think I need to make clearer is that Gene doesn't really want to kill himself. He wants any excuse not to kill himself. He sees Mary as that way out. When Mary fails him, he latches on to something else. Mary is not sure whether she believes he is actually going to kill himself or not, but she is sure he's depressed, and feel she needs to fix his situation.

I do probably need to show that Gene is depressed a little better, and I'm thinking that I'll do that with a new scene during the opening credits. It will be a montage of Gene getting ready for work.

When shot, Gene kissing Mary won't seem nearly as random. The script mentions several times Gene looking at Mary longingly and really just checking her out. But this seems to get easily glossed over. I plan on making this myself, so it's not something I'm too worried about.

The philosophical speeches will be cut down, I assure you. I think this is a big part of most of the problems with the script, including, most importantly, the pacing. I'm just not sure what to cut yet.

I might change a few things about the similarities between Mary and Elizabeth, but for the most part I wrote them similar... because they are sisters... very close ones that live together. This is the one critique I get a lot, (and hear a lot) with mine, and other scripts. I never understood the critique, because when I hang around people, they all tend to pick up each others mannerisms, phrases, and pacing of conversation. And though their core beliefs can be radically different, people still tend to sound alike.

Yeah, I know what your saying about the story getting lost at page 49. I imagined while writing it that people would wonder why the movie is still going after the main conflict seems to be resolved. I'm honestly not sure how well this will play, but after the plot changes, we eventually see where the movie is going, and why it's headed there... that the movie's not really about a guy trying to commit suicide... it about the inherent problems of a relationship based on such opposing life views, which is built in the first 49 pages. I'm not really sure how to fix this without completely changing the script. Yes, I could cut the pregnancy and stretch the first conflict out to a feature length, but I kind of feel like I'd just be adding fluff, or rewriting the whole thing so that it doesn't feel fluffy. I think I'm just going to leave it how it is, as there is a part of me that really wants the audience wondering where the movie's going to go after page 49. I can't think of any at the moment, but I remember a few movies that have done this and I thought it was kind of cool.

Anyway, thanks a lot for you review. Sorry if it sounds like I'm just refuting your points, but that's mostly just me trying to work out why I did some of the things I did. I do take your critique seriously and I'll definitely keep it in mind for revisions.

-Aaron

P.S. Do you have anything you want me to read and review?

As far as the two different storylines, i think you should actually keep the Pregnancy storyline. It intrigued me it was just kinda out of nowhere. But it sounds like you know that, you just need to try to maybe start setting it up sooner, You mentioned you plan to re-write elizabeth to get her more involved early on this may solve my problem with the disjointed story.

I see your point about the two sisters sounding alike, I guess my problem came more with how Elizabeth was almost a extra character for the whole first half of the movie and then BAM she is a main piece, when i really didnt know anything about her except she sits on the couch and sleeps around. But it sounds like you already plan to fix that which is great.

I also plan to shoot my own films so i write my scripts to fit that so I understand what your saying about the kissing scene.

If you cut back some of the long speeches, give Gene a tad more depression to make it believable ( i like your idea about getting ready for work that seemed to be a main source of depression) and setup the Elizabeth storyline sooner it will go a long way to making this a better script.

Thanks for responding to my review and taking it well, you would be surprised how many people post a screenplay for review and then cant handle when people have negative remarks. When really this site is all about us helping each other become better writers.

I dont currently have anything posted but will soon and i will drop you a PM then so you can take a look if you want.

Sounds good. I'll be sure to take a look when you get it up.

Quoted from diasaa I'll be sure to take a look when you get it up.

Sorry couldn't help it.

Oh, I see what you did there.

Hey, I'm just writing this as an update for anybody that is interested. There have been some developments in this script. I modified the second post for explanation.