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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Halloween Games Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 24th, 2008, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Halloween Games by Cindy L. Keller - Drama - When a housewife who denies her psychic ability is haunted by the restless spirit of a murderer she knows is innocent, she sets out to clear his tarnished name, finally learning to accept her gift and to help others. 104 pages - pdf, format


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: April 25th, 2008, 1:57am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Hello Cindy,

I'm not sure which incarnation of the script I had worked on last, but I've got faith in this script.  Don't give up on it!

I'll try and read it again this coming week and see if I can contribute to its further development.

One thing I just noticed this evening was the logline.  It needs work.  Gosh darn I know how hard loglines are to do.  They are like a whole great art form unto themselves.

I really need a break from my wrangly novel; so it would be a pleasure to see what I can come up with here.

P.S.  I still remember your "deer story" and when something sticks inside another's consciousness, you can be sure that you're doing well!  I STILL FEEL FOR THE DEER!!!!

Blessings,

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: April 25th, 2008, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Sandra,


I've worked on this script since 2004.
It has changed a lot. Really a lot...

Loglines make me nutty. Sometimes I think they are harder to write than the script.

Glad you remember the deer story.

A lot of what I write comes from things I have either seen or been a part of, like the deer. There is more to the deer story, but it's not in this script...

Take your time. Whenever you get a chance to read it will be fine.  
Thanks,
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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mikep
Posted: April 27th, 2008, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Cindy.

I was in the mood for a ghost story so I dived into your script, and thought I'd offer my thoughts.

Ghost stories to me don't have to be straight fright fests. A ghost/horror thriller can be emotionally potent, too. My own ghost tale, Cold Chill, got some negative feedback because it "tries to make you feel something", so it's good to see someone else telling a ghost story with a emotional thrust as well as a visceral one.

The main opportunity I see with the script is that you have two ghosts vying for attention in your story. The ghost of Luca, and the later ghost of Olivia. Early, Susie is obsessed with Luca's story, knowing in her heart he's innocent, but that story then takes a backseat to make way for the murder story and Olivia's ghost seeking revenge. One of your payoffs in the end is Susie becoming a writer in order to have Luca tell his story from beyond the grave. However, his ghost backstory is shuffled to the back burner for a huge section of the screenplay, only making a comeback at the very end. Luca DOES make an impression, as he's the ghost who is turning Susie's house upside down...but the he just goes away and Olivia's ghost takes over, Susie's obsession with Luca is put away....so his story really fails to develop emotionally and there's little interest in the end payoff.  I felt the story might have been better off dealing with Luca...his efforts to tell his story...and reunite with his dead lover in the great beyond, since they were parted so cruelly...but we get none of that. It was interesting choice to veer away from this.

And Luca's story - it isn't clear for some time that she's reading a true crime book...I thought Susie was obsessed with a handsome gypsy in a romance novel. That's ambiguous for a few pages.

Also overall, there was a flat, stilted tone to the dialogue ,  people only seem to say what was needed as exposition - the dialogue didn't really ring true. Either the words were flat and to the point - or a bit over the top as this:

SUSIE
I can’t talk now. We’re ridding the
house of evil spirits

OR......

JAMES
I needed a couple bucks.
Olivia is suddenly angry.
OLIVIA
For more drugs?
James mirrors her anger.
JAMES
Get outta’ my face!

We really had not seen much of an indication that these two were in so much trouble and now we have a big flare up, one that didn't flow well, again, the people only say what needed to be said to lay out a plot point or character moment.  Like the encounter with the deer early...Susie's strange remarks about people being so dark in the soul..it didn't sound like anything someone would really say.

A number of times, there is a character who is noted as "looking in shock" or, eyes wide, or jaw dropped...an over reliance on that type of description.

Note - at pg 24 and a few other times in the script - you abandon slug lines, and the scene actually changes , with no real key this is later on...there were a few times where slug lines weren't used to indicate a scene or time change and it became very confusing.

There are also a number of occasions where....everytime someone gets in a car they drive by the other major characters...James & Mac always seem to be standing just where they need to be seen....we see them in the city, and next beat, they're in the woods as the ladies drive by.

And what to make of Susie's questioning the Jesus lady about Jesus..."where was he when this little girl had a sick mother..." So Susie has lost her faith?  Not much is done on this either....a dropped plot thread?

I can see you want to develop a more emotional ghost story but feel you split your attentions into two ghost stories and both seem to suffer as a result. If I misinterpreted things, please let me know, would love to hear your feedback.

Mike


13 feature scripts, 2 short subjects. One sale, 4 options. Nothing filmed. Damn.

Currently rewriting another writer's SciFi script for an indie producer in L.A.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: April 30th, 2008, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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Hi Mike,

Thanks so much for giving this one a read and letting me know what you thought.  

Slug lines make me almost as nutty as the loglines... I thought once you were in the house you could move around as you please without having INT. HOUSE - BEDROOM again, and I also thought that since it was inside that I didn't need to DAY or NIGHT in it either... I just thought that since I have daylight coming in through the window and them waking that people would just assume that it was the next day...

So I guess I should write NEXT MORNING in the slug?

I'm glad you brought up the point about Luca and his love. I think that is something that could go a lot further in the rewrite. I feel I need to keep Olivia's story in the script too though.
As for the girls running into the guys a lot on the street, They live in a small town. Maybe I should add some more in about that too. Maybe gossip about some of the locals...

Thanks again Mike. You've given me some things to think about.
Cold Chill? Is it in the Horror section?
I'll give it a read on my next day off if I can find it.

Cindy









Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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mikep
Posted: April 30th, 2008, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CindyLKeller

Slug lines make me almost as nutty as the loglines... I thought once you were in the house you could move around as you please without having INT. HOUSE - BEDROOM again, and I also thought that since it was inside that I didn't need to DAY or NIGHT in it either... I just thought that since I have daylight coming in through the window and them waking that people would just assume that it was the next day...

So I guess I should write NEXT MORNING in the slug?

I'm glad you brought up the point about Luca and his love. I think that is something that could go a lot further in the rewrite. I feel I need to keep Olivia's story in the script too though.
As for the girls running into the guys a lot on the street, They live in a small town. Maybe I should add some more in about that too. Maybe gossip about some of the locals...

Thanks again Mike. You've given me some things to think about.
Cold Chill? Is it in the Horror section?
I'll give it a read on my next day off if I can find it.

Cindy


Hi Cindy !
Yes you're right, you're already IN the house, so you can change room to room with relative ease if it means just a change of camera angles...let's say the dining room and kitchen are connected with an open archway:

IN THE KITCHEN
Mike opens the oven door, and black smoke flows out in gouts. He shuts the door quickly and steps away, as if he'd never opened the oven door.

IN THE DINING ROOM
Cindy looks up, sniffs the air...shakes her head slowly.

Since you're staying in one area that can be covered by just switching angles that's ok...but if you go from the basement to the attic, you'd need a new slug line to indicate the entire setting has changed. Same with switching day to night. New slug to indicate day to night.

And yep, Cold Chill is in the horror section.



13 feature scripts, 2 short subjects. One sale, 4 options. Nothing filmed. Damn.

Currently rewriting another writer's SciFi script for an indie producer in L.A.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: May 2nd, 2008, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for clarifying, Mike.

I did start reading your script, up to page 20 now. It may be a while before I can finish it though. A few days at the most...

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Tierney
Posted: May 10th, 2008, 12:43am Report to Moderator
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       I know this is something like draft number 8 to the 14th squared for you for this script.  I'm going to be direct but hopefully not unkind.

       I'll start with the big universal note in that you need to write action not ticks.  Do a word search for the number of times you have someone look, squint, stare or smile.  Read just the action and ask yourself if what you are making your characters do is action or just padding between dialogue exchanges.  Action should be action.  It should be someone finding a clue or holding a board meeting or doing something that drives the story.  It's fine to fall back on having someone smile occasionally if you feel you need to break up your dialogue but you use it as a crutch.

      Ultimately as far as real action, your characters don't do much of anything until the last ten pages. There are too many scenes of Bill, Susie and Gloria at the couple's house having a meal and drinks.  There are too many scenes of Bill and Susie in bed reading and talking.  No one wants to see a movie where people spend a huge chunk of their lives eating and sleeping.  Fill that space with story and don't waste the pages.

      As far as the characters, Susie is too passive. You get no sense of any kind of internal conflict. She spends a large part of ninety minutes of screen time going from her home to the bookstore. Back and forth. She does nothing but react. What we know about Susie comes from what others tell us about her.  She's going to use her gift to help people.  She's going to be a great help to the FBI.  That's not the Susie that's on the page.

      Susie is going to be involved with the FBI but she cannot figure out the stuff about the dagger?  She starts out trying to find out what happened to Luca and then that all disappears into the Olivia and her addict husband story.  She gets a letter from the book author and instead of pursuing why the writer wants nothing to do with the story she tosses it aside.  What does she do to drive the story?  What does Susie do in the screenplay except have things told to her?  

      Part of the problem is that the story that is set up as the spine of the piece is not the story you tell.  You lose your ghost story to a completely unrelated crime story that twists back around and becomes a ghost story.  You can't devote all those opening pages to Luca and then drop it pretty much completely in favor of the vengeful Olivia spirit.  You pay a sort of narrative tribute to Luca in the last pages but it is not enough of a payoff.  The current ending with the ghost of Olivia story comes across as a complete cheat.  Instead of building the story you have a monologue where everything is explained away and Susie is reborn as a brilliant investigator.  It's like magic and not particularly satisfying.

     A rewrite I'm sure is the last thing you want to hear about but if I were going to restructure the piece I would open with the scene with the deer.  It's a strong visual.  If you wanted to take the ghost story further you could have Susie get out of the car and have the deer turn into Luca in her arms.  You need a scene where you actively show the spirits reaching to Susie and her reaction to it.  To streamline the action go straight from the deer to the upset Susie finding her way to the bookstore where the story of Luca comes into play.  That way you can begin with a strong visual and get right to the plot without wading through pages of flashbacks and book reading.

     You haven't done the best job of combining the two main threads of your story.  The bookstore druggie murder never quite works with ghost story.  You might want to consider rearranging the chess pieces a little.  In the past Nora was killed by her father and Luca was killed by angry townspeople.  Maybe Olivia could be the mother, Denise her daughter and James the ne'er do well boyfriend?  Their story mirrors the past tragedy. Susie tries to find out about Luca and in the end realizes that she cannot help him but can help James or Denise or Olivia.  Or all three.

      I think what you're trying for is a sort of life-affirming ghost story (don't waste your gifts and live a great life) which you're not really going to get to by falling back on a super-powered angry ghost making everything okay in the last few pages.

Revision History (1 edits)
Tierney  -  May 10th, 2008, 9:23am
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CindyLKeller
Posted: May 24th, 2008, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Tierney,

Sorry I took so long to get back to you. Life has been getting in the way.
Thank you so much for giving this one a read.
You have given me some great ideas. Thank you again.

I may do another rewrite on this one day, but frankly I'm getting pretty burnt out on it... I haven't been in the mood to write in quite a while either.

I think it's time I take a break and write some more songs, do a few oil paintings, then hopefully I will be in the mood to try and tackle this one again,..

Thanks again Tierney,
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama

Revision History (1 edits)
CindyLKeller  -  May 26th, 2008, 8:14am
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