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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Only In Dreams Moderators: bert
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  Author    Only In Dreams  (currently 4364 views)
Don
Posted: August 25th, 2009, 9:18pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Only In Dreams by Timothy F. Betts (souter fell) - Drama - When Marc discovers he is able to reunite with an old flame via lucid dreaming, he soon becomes dangerously addicted to sleep. 30 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  August 26th, 2009, 8:41am
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Souter Fell
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Hey Don,
Thanks for getting this up so quick.

Been a year since I really wrote anything and this little idea was supposed to be a 10 page stretch before the workout of a feature and ended up being a mini-marathon that I was able to mostly sprint through. Enough metaphor. Hope you all enjoy this trippy ride.


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rendevous
Posted: August 26th, 2009, 10:05am Report to Moderator
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Tim,

Glad to see you expanded this into its present form.

I'll start by repeating what I said earlier about that early trick, which I rarely see in any screenplays, either pro or spec. The woman's V.O. after he brings up the picture of the 29 year old woman. Reminds me a lot about how Kubrick used sound to apparently cut almost seamlessly into a different scene.

I should mention your format and all that. Spotless. Read clean. Your proofing is string than Jameson's.

Now then. Souter. Are you on drugs? If so, can I have some? No? Oh, okay then.

You're fairly succinct with much of the phrasing that brings the required image to mind. To my mind at least.

The only problem I had with this was I had no real idea what the characters were supposed to look like. I'd have liked a bit more in the way of physical descriptions, fat, thin, tall, all that.

One of my favourite lines was


Quoted from Only In Dreams
...you look like you're in the wrong aspect ratio


The descriptions of the Merc's occupants were short, nicely worded and very visual too.

The line about Florence's number made me laugh again. I'd love to see that bit on screen sometime. It's amzing to think nobody's used that joke before. I'll be using it all the time in the pub from now on. I'm not gonna tell anyone it's yours either. So there! Well, I might. Guilt always gets me when I'm being naughty.

I see you ignored my advice about 'eye rolling'. Fair enough. It might just be me but when eyes roll I sneer. I probably took Denny Laine's book too much to heart.

Carl Levens post made me laugh out loud, as did Marc's reply.


Quoted from Only In Dreams
fiery orange sky


- I like that, a lot.


Quoted from Only In Dreams
someone repelling down a building...


I still have no idea what that means. Google won't help me here either.


Quoted from Only In Dreams
She point down the street where apparently now the Sydney
Opera House resides.


I still think the SOH is either there on not in an action line. You'd get away with the line if it was in dialogue.

To summarize, as I feel I'm babbling - Utterly bizarre and very good.

I've read it once and flicked through it a second time.

I think it's like that other one of late, "To Be". It needs more than one read. It probably needs quite a few reads.

I've no doubt there's been a huge amount of time of effort to put in, and for that sir I applaud you.

The difference being, and I mean no disrespect, far from it, is that this deals with the dream world and mine deals with the real. I don't know how much dreams differ for each person but I felt, just after the first read mind, that I wasn't sure what were dreams and what were real. I think if a good director got hold of it this would make an amazing film. I hope that happens. That director will have to be a bloody good one though.

I'll read this again and I'll let you know. Fine work Tim.


Out Of Character - updated


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Souter Fell
Posted: August 26th, 2009, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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Hey R,

Thanks for taking a look at the 2nd draft.


Quoted Text
The only problem I had with this was I had no real idea what the characters were supposed to look like. I'd have liked a bit more in the way of physical descriptions, fat, thin, tall, all that.


I actually stayed away from real hard description. Marc, like his attire, is unremarkable. He sees this as a negative, not realizing that it could get so much worse (hence the ending).

The two main girls are described as beautiful and vanilla. Tried to keep it this way without forcing the reader to nail down a type. Picture the beautiful girl and the plain girl you know. I'll admit it maybe too ambigious and if it poses a problem i'll make some solid descriptions.


Quoted Text
The only problem I had with this was I had no real idea what the characters were supposed to look like. I'd have liked a bit more in the way of physical descriptions, fat, thin, tall, all that.


God damn spellcheck not catching (almost) homonyms. I meant RAPPELLING.


Quoted Text
I still think the SOH is either there on not in an action line.


Since it's already established Marc lives in NYC, i say "apparently" to show the SOH is out of place. Should I ditch "apparently" assuming the reader will not be confused by the mixing of location or change it to "She points down the New York City street to the Sydney Opera House?" Which works better to, at a minimum, give the audience the knowledge that it's out of place?

I'll definitly have to check out "To Be."


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rendevous
Posted: August 28th, 2009, 9:56am Report to Moderator
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SF,

I took another look at this today. Have to say it reads a lot better the second time that the first. I guess because there's so much going on. Interesting how you set this in the US. I'm presuming you're English. It works better there anyway. Type of place anything can happen.

Fair point about the descriptions. I prefer to say quite a lot about how major characters act and appear, but for each their own.

Personally I would ditch the 'apparently' as you mean it is actually there.

Few questions. I did ask google, but she just looked at me funny and told me to 'go away'. She phrased it stronger than that. Some people...


Quoted from OID
soas through the ceiling


Is that a typo? Soars?

I happened to watch "No Cure For Cancer" again the other day so the NyQuil line made sense this time.

I'm no expert but these folk didn't sound too NYC to me. Are they from there?

Anyways. Overall I'm bewildered, but I think that's kinda the point. It's very weird and very good.

Re


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

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Souter Fell
Posted: August 28th, 2009, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hey R,

Sounds like I'll probably change that "apparently" when in the next draft and thanks for pointing out that "soars" typo.

Funny you should guess where I'm from. Actually native New Yorker. Born and breed. They may not sound New York but that's cause I didn't write them in the stereotypical "fuhgetaboutit" style.

Anyway, I enjoy that your slightly bewildered. I was anxious to see if a nonreality vibe successfully came across in the dreams. I just hope you recognized the over jist": a cautionary tale for those who try to see if the grass is really greener on the other side.


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Astrid
Posted: August 29th, 2009, 4:58am Report to Moderator
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This had a cinematic feel to it. There is a kind of style to it that starts with the discription of the cubical walls as being "monochromatic, walled-in workstations". And then ends with the discription of Marc's Boss' suit matching the fabric of these same cubical walls. I'm not sure why I've mentioned this, but your use of color to set a tone or mood worked well I think. All of the discriptions worked well. One tho confused me, "and an unfairly attractive LADY." Maybe just, "an unattractive LADY"?

As for the story, it isn't until page 17 until there is any real conflict, anything at stake, and I think the story suffers because of it. Things unfold nicely, but with 30 pages, I think too slowly. The montage, while well written, was a lot to wade thru.

The ending was great. i was left wondering if Marc was the still dreaming, or was in fact the homeless man finally waking up.  
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Souter Fell
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Hey astrid, thanks for the read.

Unfairly attractive lady is meant to mean she's so attractive it's unfair. I could see how that could be confusing and i'll put it on the list of things to consider changing.

I'm sorry if you think there is any conflict til the fight with Anna. And overtly, you are correct. Up until that point, the main conflict is internal with Marc. His wanting of a different life and the seduction of these dreams. I could see about raising the stakes by his boss getting on him at work for lackluster performance and I could press Anna to display more of her dissatisfaction. I'm just wary of her coming off too b*tchy. The goal is to present her as plain but accomodating so that at first the reader sides with Marc to start with but then begins to turn on him as he falls deeper. Any suggestions how I can amp up the conflict?

Glad you liked the ending. I know the "it was a dream angle" is a bit cliche but I hoped the "a dream inside a dream inside another dream" was fresh.

Anyway,thanks.


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bobtheballa
Posted: August 29th, 2009, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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I'm a big fan of dreams, dream logic, that sort of thing and figured I'd give this a look.

I loved the images, the descriptions and overall surrealness of the dreams themselves. Usually it took me a few seconds to pick up when a sequence was a dream, but obviously if this were ever made it'd be easier to tell. The way the two worlds blended together reminded me of "The Science of Sleep."

The pacing in this one is interesting because the first few pages move slowly, really letting you sink into the dream world, but once the montage comes and everything after reads much faster. On one hand, it showed Marc's downward spiral as he sunk deeper into the dream world, but on the other, it made the second half of the script feel a little under-developed. I thnk it's fine the way it is but there's certainly room to expand the second half, show some tender dream moments between Marc & Florence that parallel less tender moments between Marc & Anna, maybe a little more of Anna's frustrations as they build and I would've loved to see a bit more from "The Oneironaut."

Not sure what your plans are for this but I really enjoyed it. No major flaws, just throwing out a few ideas of how to make it longer if that's what you were hoping to do. It certainly came off as a cautionary tale as you intended and the 'unfairly attractive' came off to me as you intended it to, though 'criminally attractive' or some other way of re-wording it may clear up some confusion. Well done and good luck with this one.
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Souter Fell
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Hey bob,

Glad you liked it. I'm also glad I'm not hearing too much about it being too literary and not economical in a screenwriting sense. I also went through and tried to take out as many -ing's as possible (my usually problem).

The pacing. It's funny. Some people like the gradual setup and some people think it's too long. About the middle, I was didn't want to start repeating scenes of similar purpose. Looking at the montage, the purpose, scene by scene is: distancing from Anna, becoming an Oneironaut, sinking in his addiction, being capable of fantasic scenarios, the addiction now effects his work, the Yankee one was mainly for me... you know what, by looking at this montage this way, I've noticed that there are two shrugging off work parts and two fantastical dream parts in the montage. Funny you said that I may want to expand but by going over it, i'm wondering if I should cut some.

I'll have to go over the second half and see if races too quickly. I'll admit that it flowed out really quickly (gotta love that feeling) but maybe I rode the wave, having too much fun, and not paying enough attention.

Anyway, glad ya like it. Thanks.


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Souter Fell
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And quick question for anybody who reads this script. Do you think I should change the title to "The Oneironaut."? I was originally toying with that name but thought it might be too peculiar. Now I'm wondering if it would have more character than "Only In Dreams." What do you guys think?


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jackx
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first off, i think this is one of the best shorts i've read here.  well written, mostly original, quick read, and a little twist at the end without it being overdone.

'fried afro perm' was one of my favorite descriptors.
The looking back and forth at text trick seemed pretty close to what happens in Waking Life with the light switch, but I guess its alright.
p10 Florence says, 'weaker than dreaming about a job you hate.'  Should that be a question?
Love the realization they're in pacman land, perfect for the cubicle setting.
p19 Florence says, there's no us, there's was.  Should be 'there was.'

Overall very nicely done.  I think Florence (in dreams) comes across as a little to nice.  Like shes sweet to him, but also says he should be better with Anna.  Would his fantasy really have her saying those things?  Might be better to show some fickleness in her, going between being sweet on him, and telling him to stay with anna.  This would be representing his own subconscious moods.  his guilt about Anna vs. his need for fantasy.
Also the one thing that i thought could be cut shorter would be his back and forth with florence about how sad it is thats hes not being good with anna.  

That ends up looking like a lot of criticism, but really it was pretty excellent.  I like the title The Oneironaut personally.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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Souter Fell
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Hey jack,

Thanks for the read. And thanks for the typo check. Hard as I try, they still come up.

Dream Florence was very tricky. Tried to make her more of the ego than the superego. But at first she's also susceptable to his denial. Until things go too far, she's a lie he tells himself. Hopefully in the next draft I can manifest this better.

Nothing wrong with a lot of crit. Glad you liked it and no, I have never looked at the back of a five dolla bill on night vision


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James R
Posted: September 3rd, 2009, 9:50am Report to Moderator
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Hey, SF. I read the first half of this last night until life's interruptions caused me to take a break. I like what I've read so far, I'll post a full review with comments as soon as I can.

Your title has gotten the Weezer song of the same name stuck in my head.

James


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Souter Fell
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Hey James,

Lookin forward to what you think and that song ran through my head too. Weezer past Pinkerton is shite though. I wish it wasn't true but it is.


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James R
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Quoted from Souter Fell
Weezer past Pinkerton is shite though. I wish it wasn't true but it is.

Agreed.


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Souter Fell
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Weezer's almost the Kate Hudson of music. At least Weezer's got two good albums.


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James R
Posted: September 9th, 2009, 4:08pm Report to Moderator
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Oh, Timothy, I must apologize for my tardiness in getting this review in. Now all the anticipation will surely have killed any momentum it may have had. I got two great ideas this weekend and when I sat down to start I got an outline on one and 10 pages on the other in only a few hours. Hey, when you're hot...

So here's my review.

Your first page brings up a point that I have discussed a little on the boards and have not really come to any conclusion about. This description:


Quoted Text
Dozens of monochromatic, walled-in workstations ensure all company workers are not distracted by trivial things like a view, other people, or life itself.

is a good description, but it has more than is necessary for a movie script. You could leave off everything after the word “ensure” and get enough direction to set up the office, but the second part gives it more meaning. So the question is: how much is too much? At what point does it become like a book/novel and not a script? I haven’t figured it out, if you have any thoughts I’d love to hear them.


Quoted Text
Thank you. You look... you look like you’re on the wrong aspect ratio.

That was my favorite line.

The dream sequences were great, easy to understand while getting the nostalgia across.

This is a nitpick, but I have to find things to comment on. I didn’t like Marc’s line:


Quoted Text
Dammit. Can’t believe I slept so late.

Then Anna gives Marc a book that she obviously had the night before, unless she was just walking in? Was she in the bed with him? It doesn’t say. Anyway, this exchange just bothered me. Usually when someone is late for work they get up and run.


Quoted Text
Everyone’s got someone that they never speak of but think about everyday.

Good line. And probably true.

The montage started to lose me. I didn’t see the purpose to most of it. Then the next scene where Marc confuses real life (Anna) with his dream life (Florence) it made sense. Nice.

On the top of p. 17 Florence throws the door open, I think you meant Anna?

The ending was good, tied it all up. I had to go back to reread the intro to get it, but it would translate much better on screen than on the page.

Overall I liked this one, very few suggestions. You can’t relive the past, just cherish it and move on with your life.

Well done.

James


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Souter Fell
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Hey James,

Thanks for the full review. Aint had a chance to respond (or much else) being knee deep in student teaching.

I'm still playing with what is too much literal embellishment. It's oh so tempting when a paragraph goes to the next line, despite trying to write economically.I tell myself, you've already bought the line, use it. With that I really wanted to give the sense of all humanity and commrodary stripped away. A room that can hold 40 people and each one feels alone. You're probably right though.

Seems the "aspect ratio" line has made some fans. Glad you like the "everyone's got someone" line. That was actually the line this thing was built around.

I'll have to look over the book giving scene, see if it needs some reconstruction.

Glad you got the vibe and thanks for the read.


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James R
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Quoted from Souter Fell
I'm still playing with what is too much literal embellishment. It's oh so tempting when a paragraph goes to the next line, despite trying to write economically.I tell myself, you've already bought the line, use it. With that I really wanted to give the sense of all humanity and commrodary stripped away. A room that can hold 40 people and each one feels alone. You're probably right though.

Like you, I struggle with this. I see a scene in my head and I want to describe the whole thing, but I have found that my favorite scripts are loaded with story and story alone. Novels are filled with descriptions, which is why I have taken my first attempt at writing a novella recently.

Student teaching, eh? I did some teaching myself. Time constraints galore.


Quoted from Souter Fell
Glad you like the "everyone's got someone" line. That was actually the line this thing was built around.

And now it has turned into this. Cool.

James


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JonnyBoy
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Hey Tim, sorry it took me so long to get to this. I’ve got a number of points I’d like to raise, if that’s okay. This is going to feel like I’ve kept you waiting just to finally tear you apart; that’s not my intention, and before I start my criticisms I just want to say that I don’t think this is by any means a bad script. It’s not bad at all. It just, for me, has some issues.

Let me begin with praise: I really liked the dreams. Thought you did those really well, particularly the one that ends in school. They had a surrealness to them that managed to simultaneously be very easy to follow. Very good images, a real sense of randomness without being TOO random.

Now for the issues.

The Facebook stuff was a problem for me. On page it’s fine, but I feel that, onscreen, watching someone scroll through Facebook pages and comment on things wouldn’t be particularly interesting. It's just inherently uncinematic. I understand that the purpose is to show Marc’s boredom and his desire to escape work (and also to show his continued interest in Florence), but I feel it doesn’t really need to be there. I don’t see the point in mentioning Megan and Carl when they never actually make an onscreen appearance, either.

The pacing was off overall, I think. In an earlier comment even you said that you were aware it may rush towards the end, and I think it does. Things were moving along nicely, but the killer moment comes on page 14, where I think you cram way too much into a montage that probably actually covers more of a timespan than the first 14 pages. From that point I think the script never really regains its flow, and I do think the montage is to blame. The meeting with actual Florence happens too quickly and doesn't really have any effect, which it should do. Things go from okay to falling apart too quickly without any real sense of gradual decline. There's not even really an incident to tip things over. Perhaps a big fight with Anna that causes him to retreat more and more into the dream world

Anna is far TOO dull, in my opinion. You have a nice contrast between her and Florence (or at least Marc’s version of Florence), and I get that his real life is supposed to be infinitely less interesting than his dreams, but I just didn’t see anything remotely likeable in Anna. Marc describes her at one point as “a really cool chick”, but that didn’t come across at all. All she ever seemed to do was go to the gym. I think you’d have more of an effect if we felt that his obsession with Florence has really cost him a great relationship, that Anna is the best she can be and yet despite her awesomeness Marc casts her aside. At the moment she truly is vanilla, but I don’t think that works as well. She just doesn't have anything about her, and I think she should do. She's the victim here, not Marc, but it's impossible to feel for her.

I have to say the ending really confused me. Not the very final scene, but the one before that. I’ve read it a few times now, but I don’t know why he wakes himself up and throws himself down the stairs. Perhaps he gives himself an overdose, instead? Wanting to sleep forever, to spend eternity with Florence. The ending frustrated me, but that’s probably more a failure on my part than yours.

So those are my thoughts. I hope I didn't come across as too negative. I liked this, particularly the first half, but I feel the second half is a bit weaker. Look at Anna and the flow of the story again and I feel you could really turn this into something great, since you have a good central premise and a great grip on the dream-writing. Sorry the review took so long, and I'd be happy to discuss anything I've said further, if you like.

Jon


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JonnyBoy  -  September 21st, 2009, 8:05am
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 8th, 2009, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Hello Timothy,

Finally, I get to revisiting this. First off, I'm not going to read anyone else's comments until writing my own. That way I'm not swayed in my opinion.

I feel that this has shades of brilliance, but it really does need work.

At present, it is far too cluttered with dreams that are not definitive for us in the sense, that there are no clear labels helping the reader.

I think this was part of the reason it took me so long. I had started reading this, and I kept going back to the beginning and then, finally, I had to leave it for awhile.

Well, as you know, and I apologize, that "little while" became a long while.

My feelings are that you did not "set this up" right. Very simply put, we do not know that Marc is the homeless man. We do not know this is a dream and the bizarre nature of "holding hands in pairs while crossing the street" didn't get through MY EQUALLY BIZARRE BRAIN.  

There are a few problems with this that I see.

1- Conflict is not established at the outset, but rather the surreal landscape.

2- No motive/reason for Florence (even though it's a dream)

I felt like even though it was a dream, Florence needed a motive for being there and obviously I'm wrong in saying that (weird huh?) but I understand that Marc controlled the dreams; so obviously she needed no motive and yet, her personality was executed in such a way, in word and deed that she was, for all real purposes in the script, real. (another: "weird, huh?)

What I'm saying is, "She was real. Came up, said "Boo!" etc... And yet he couldn't come up with a "motive" for her "realness, meaning her continued presence in his dreams".

So perhaps you need to ask the question, "Why was he obsessed with Florence?" I mean really. Beyond just "they had a good thing goin' once".

In this respect, I feel this script sadly lacks. I don't feel THE CHARACTER in this. I only see a lot of banter back and forth between Florence and Marc and indeed too, with Marc and Anna. This brings me to:

3 To much of a "wandering quality". Felt aimless.

The dreams are the focus of this script, but they don't solve anything for Marc and they don't solve anything for the audience. I kind of felt like, there's definitely a whole story here, but it's just not on the pages as they stand.

Essentially, I feel that if you go back and approach this from a "character" perspective, you will discover deeper meanings behind the existence of "Florence".

Now, I'm wondering:

What exactly was it, that caused Marc's degradation to become a homeless man?

Perhaps this is a story of regret? AH!!!!! So THEN we have something here!!!!

That's what you need to do. Approach this from THAT PERSPECTIVE:

Give this some strong POINT OF VIEW:

Show THE HOMELESS MAN, MARC, WATCHING HIMSELF AS HE ONCE WAS!!!!  

Maybe have him dialoging with someone and pointing to a SHARP DRESSED MAN, NOT HIM and saying:

MARK
That was me once. Had it all.

And as he and his companion gaze upon the man, walking the street, we could take a sharp shift into THE PAST, whereby the SHARP DRESSED MAN BECOMES MARC OF THE PAST. We could become firmly entrenched in MARK'S POV, CROSSING THE STREET AND WALKING IN HIS SHOES.

If you did this, we would have a dynamic reason to want to read on and find out just How he got this way!!!!  

To me that's really exciting because it's REAL!!! These kinds of things DO HAPPEN!!!

Now,

A word on wording:

Here:

>Stopped at the red light is a classic Mercedes with a

DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN at the wheel and an unfairly
attractive LADY sitting shotgun.

I would change the construction of this sentence to read:

A classic Mercedes is stopped at the red light with a DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN at the wheel and pretty LADY sitting shotgun.

The use of "unfairly attractive" is a wordy mouthful.
Here:

>Marc stops halfway through the crosswalk, staring at the
woman.

What woman? Just use "Lady" again or we think there's some other lady.

Here:

>The people, in groups of two, Marc included, hold each
other’s hand and start to cross.

*I just didn't get this when I first read this, not knowing it was supposed to be a dream. I still don't understand right now.

What's General Lee?

Alright, Timothy, overall I would suggest you work on character and motivation within this and present it as a carefully crafted flashback.

I really do hope my feedback helps and again, I really do apologize for this taking so gosh darn long.

Sandra







A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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ReaperCreeper
Posted: October 8th, 2009, 11:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Timothy!

First of all, why isn't this in the Short section of the site? I clicked on the thread expecting a feature and, quite frankly, it'd been better if it HAD been a feature. There is enough potential for it. After all, not many would consider producing a short with such crazy special effects like a giant Pac-Man and the like.

Putting that aside, I enjoyed this up until the ending. I understood what you were going for, but I didn't like the whole "dream within a dream" aspect. I think it's tired and somewhat tacky. Plus, the dreams -- particularly the dreams within the dream --are way too detailed for me to buy the ending. Though, as a character, they seemed to fit with Marc's desires (both his dream version and his bum version), as in, his wish for love and his wish for contact (I thought that's what the melting people symbolized) so I didn't completely hate it.

Your concept is very good. I came up with a similar idea once. Actually, it was the exact same premise, though it bordered more on Horror than Drama. After realizing its obvious similarities to A Nightmare on Elm Street, I scrapped it, but I still wonder what could have become of that story.

I used to lucid-dream all the time. It can indeed be VERY addictive and I completely sympathized with Marc. But this script could benefit greatly from more pages. There is too much story  and three very rich character arcs to cover (that is more so if you keep the bum ending, which I would personally scrap altogether). Plus, like I've said, this is way too big-budget for a Short, anyway.

Nice display of creativity, though. I really enjoyed it. If I'd have to rate it, it would get a 7/10.


Some technical nits:
-I didn't like the way you formated your sluglines in your montage. Even if it's supposed to be quick, I would still consider writing them as normal scenes while telling us when the montage begins and ends. Alternatively (and I'd prefer this, personally) you could use "mini-slugs" instead of spacing. As in:

BEDROOM -- Marc thrashes about in his sleep.

Just a worthless bit I felt like mentioning. They read fine, but they looked awkward on paper.

Nice job.

--Julio

  
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Coleman
Posted: October 12th, 2009, 5:09am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Tim, love the topic. Dreams are always intriguing. However, I a few things vexed me about this short. What was most most difficult to read were parts where you stated something and didn't show the characters reaction. The best example I can think of is on page 25 when Marc meets Florence at the zoo but soon leaves. While leaving you SAY "The last words strike deep into Marc." instead of SHOWING how it strikes deep into him. There are many instances of this through out the script.

Your montage is not done right. The way it looks is about of short scene snippets. I montage shouldn't exceed 6 separate indents, each of which can be up to 2 lines long; 3 lines long would be stretching it.

It was nice how the ending came full circle but it left me wanting more. I feel like there should be more in the story about what happened after the tumble and he shouldn't be a homeless man at all, but instead he should finally be happy in his dreams with Florence while on life support and finally Anna pulls the plug. This would leave Marc with his dream girl and Anna free to find someone better, maybe one of the interns at the hospital who is caring for Marc. Perhaps I'm alone in my thinking but you have to admit it would be cool.


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BarryJohn
Posted: March 18th, 2020, 9:00am Report to Moderator
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VERY Unique and well written - LOVED IT
Barry John Terblanche


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one?
Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger.  
https://simpsonliteraryagency.com/script-analyst
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