SimplyScripts
Discussion Board
Home - Movie Scripts - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is April 18th, 2014, 8:39am
Please login or register.
Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the rules that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone.
Short Script of the Day

Short Scripts Available for Production
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. The screenplays may not be used without the expressed written permission of the author.


Dun Dun, Dun Dun, Dun Dun. The April OWC is on!
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama  ›  A Snowflake Fell Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
Googlebot and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    A Snowflake Fell  (currently 1214 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: January 2nd, 2010, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
9279
Posts Per Day
1.92
A Snowflake Fell by Simon Lewis (niles crane) - Drama - When a job goes wrong, underworld enforcer Cage returns to his home town to hide out, but finds himself haunted by the ghosts of Christmases Past 54 pages - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.



No matter where you go, there you are.
--Buckaroo Bonzai
Logged
Site Private Message AIM YIM
Brian M
Posted: January 2nd, 2010, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Glasgow
Posts
482
Posts Per Day
0.24
The link isn't working for me. Anyone else having the same problem?


CURRENTLY POSTED

The Forgotten Christmas Tape - Short, Dark Thriller (9 pages)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 15
mcornetto
Posted: January 2nd, 2010, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I tried to figure out what the file name was supposed to be but couldn't. So I sent a pm to Don about it.  He should fix it soon.  
Logged
e-mail Reply: 2 - 15
SimplyScripts
Posted: January 2nd, 2010, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
9279
Posts Per Day
1.92
The link is fixed.  

Don


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.



No matter where you go, there you are.
--Buckaroo Bonzai
Logged
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 3 - 15
Niles_Crane
Posted: January 3rd, 2010, 3:38am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Many thanks for posting this, Don.

This was my entry in the Seven Week Feature Challenge, but I missed both the deadline and the page count! It is still, at 53 pages, the longest script I have written in 10 years. I completed it on Christmas Day, which seemed appropriate.

Although currently taking a bit of a break from SS to concentrate on writing that elusive feature, I will be keeping an eye on this thread, and will respond to any feedback.

Be Seeing You
Logged
e-mail Reply: 4 - 15
grademan
Posted: January 3rd, 2010, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
Green


What?

Location
Wisconsin
Posts
893
Posts Per Day
0.48
Niles,

My comments:

I was distracted by the number of flashbacks and dreams in this tale. I had to recalibrate after starting and stopping each one. Made for a slower read.

I don't think Simon was present in the flashback where Danny's father told Danny he wasn't gong to the party but Simon was. He needs to be there.

Also, were JAMES and BRAND the same person?

I was getting a little annoyed with Mr. Roberts' dialogue.

And ARIEL was a non-player for me. She needs a little more depth to her character.

GARY


Major lead characters must show GRIT. No wimps! He must do something. He must have forward motion.

JAMES SCOTT BELL
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 15
Niles_Crane
Posted: January 3rd, 2010, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Yes, James and Brand are the same person. As are Simon and Cage - to differentiate the ages (which would mean in all likelihood different actors playing the part), I used different names, but it is stated in the script that he is James Brand.

As to the flashback to the Mr Roberts/Danny party argument. I would say that, given what we learn during the course of the story (I can't say too much) he would not have had to be present at the original scene as a child.

Also, Ariel cannot really have much depth to her, given her character. She is not someone who can have quirks and background and the like!

Thanks for the read and your comments.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 6 - 15
malcolm3
Posted: January 4th, 2010, 9:33am Report to Moderator
Purple


Posts
160
Posts Per Day
0.09
Niles,
As usual, a well written and very deep little tale. IMO you're at your best in this kind of thing. Delving into morality, with all its depths and despair, seems to suit you.

Not quite sure why you intoduced Lina. I would have thought Simon's inability and frustration from Ted's treatment of his mother, would have been best taken out on his one true love Kirsty. Causing her to run off with his so called best friend Danny. That way you get both the guilt and shame wrapped up in one parcel. It also gives more reason to beat Danny to death and Simon's change in character to Cage. But that's only my oppinion.

I enjoyed this. Keep up the good work.

Question

Why have you used bold for your slugs? Was this deliberate, or new software?

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 15
Niles_Crane
Posted: January 4th, 2010, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hi Malcolm - Happy New Year

You are probably right about Kirsty - I should have addressed her leaving Cage better than I do, and having him just slap her after an argument would perhaps have been a way to show why and how they broke up, though I would still probably have shown Lina, as she indicates how far Cage had fallen. The Kirsty thread is severely under developed, but oddly this never struck me when I was writing it!

Re the bold scene headers - Final Draft allows you to do this if you want and as I have seen it in other scripts and it caught my fancy, I used it. I found that when reading a page of script, especially when there may be two, three or more scene changes on it, it helps me follow the script.

Thanks for the feedback.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 8 - 15
sniper
Posted: January 6th, 2010, 4:11am Report to Moderator
Yellow


My UZI Weighs A Ton

Location
Northern Hemisphere
Posts
2461
Posts Per Day
2.42
Hey, Simon.

Damn, this is a very very good script you’ve written here. The tone sucked me in right from the get-go. Deep but not artsy deep, sad but not too sad. A full and complete story that covers then entire character arc of Simon Cage, basically an entire lifespan (well, pretty much). As it stands now, it works. It’s as simple as that. I did have a little problem with the end. Well, not really a problem, more of an “opportunity wasted” feeling (will get to that later).

ENTER SPOILER TERRITORY

Ariel worked for what she is but I can not help feeling that it would have been better for the story if you hadn’t telegraphed the ending so early on. I mean, it was obvious almost from the start that Cage was going to die at the end. Don’t get me wrong, it’s the perfect ending to his character but it was just a little too predictable.

I understand that this was supposed to be your 7WC feature that simply didn’t get “long” enough. My suggestions to you, if you still plan on turning this into a feature, is to explore the following:

- Lina and Cage’s relationsship. Lina is only mentioned in one scene and I think it would be beneficial, for that scene, if there’s a lead-up to it. I would’ve liked to have seen Lina being nice to Cage because that would really underline how low Cage has fallen when he beats her up. I don’t mean she should be overly-sweet, just supportive – maybe too supportive?

- Kirsty and Cage’s relationship. This was only touched upon sporadically throughout the script. Don’t get me wrong, it worked for what it is but it would have been nice to actually “see” Cage’s love for Kirsty, his hurt when she chooses Danny over him, the pain he goes through after the car accident, maybe she doesn’t die right away – maybe Cage sits at her hospital bed, watching over her?

- Danny and Cage’s relationship. Danny is referred to as a bully by his father and, yes, you did have that scene at the bridge but as a setup for Danny’s character, I thought it was rather weak actually. The way I see it, Danny and Cage were friends – good friends, but Danny is one of those shrewd friends that lures his friends to do the things he’s afraid of doing himself – like stealing maybe. I feel that there’s some character development missing from him being a kid to him being an adult – people change, some don’t, but at least show that he doesn’t. You could even work in a scene with Mike where he takes Cage’s money (as kids) and Danny could have helped him but doesn’t.

- What happens in the time frame between Danny’s death and the present day? How does Cage become an enforcer for the local mafioso?

- As I mentioned at the beginning, I did have an issue with the ending – not that Cage dies – but that his good deed (letting Peterson go) doesn’t work out. I think it would be nicer if Peterson isn’t a thug himself (that was how I read him to be – I might be wrong) but “an innocent guy”, like the Landlord. Cage standing up to Brand by sparing a thug does not work as well as him sparing a “civilian”. But in my opinion Cage’s good deed has to work, Peterson must get away – only that would justify Cage’s sacrifice. You could even take it as far as Cage having a final confrontation with Carlisle – like he’s cleaning up his mess.

Just a few suggestions.

EXIT SPOILER TERRITORY

When exiting a FLASHBACK, I would personally write (PRESENT) in the slug. That way you avoid using the “We’re back at present” in the first action line - which really doesn’t look all that good to me.

Your writing tends to be very passive, the word “IS” is used way too much. I personally tried to avoid using “IS” and “ARE” as much as possible. Try it – your writing will be much more active that way. It didn’t spoil the script for me but, in my opinion, it’s sloppy writing.

P.22 (top): Some action crept into the dialogue.
P.35 (bottom): In Brand’s dialogue, he says to Cage that he should take Cage – I think he meant Peterson.

Keep up the good work.

Cheers
Rob


Want your feature read? PM me your logline.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 15
SteveUK
Posted: January 6th, 2010, 5:41am Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
UK
Posts
205
Posts Per Day
0.11
Hi Simon,

This is a good little script you've got here - very dark and brooding.  If you flesh this out a little more I can see it making a really good feature length script.  Throughout, I found the dialogue to be sharp and crisp.  I especially enjoyed some of the exchanges between Cage & George...  "Are you from the Council?"

SPOILERS BELOW

Like some others have stated, I too would like to see more of Lina and Kirsty.  Lina appears in only one scene and we have no idea who she is, or of her relationship with Cage.  I'd also like to see more of the love triangle between Cage, Kirsty and Danny, and find out why she chose Danny over Cage.

I'd also like to have seen a little more of Cage working for Carlisle, possibly showing Cage feeling remorseful or disgusted with himself after carrying out an act of violence.

I didn't understand the flashback in George's house.  All the other flashbacks make sense as Cage was there, but it didn't seem logical to have him remembering an event that he didn't witness.

I found it a little confusing when you switched between character names when showing them at different ages ( Cage / Simon &  Brand / James).  It would have been clearer for me if you had just named them Young Cage and Young Brand.

I was left slightly confused by the ending.  It seemed like we'd reached the end when Ariel leads Cage away from the churchyard at midnight, but then we see him getting killed in a flashback. This left me puzzled and with some unanswered questions.

With Cage being killed in a flashback, was he a ghost in the churchyard scene previous?  If not, it doesn't make sense for him to be killed in a flashback.  If he was a ghost, it might be better to split the churchyard scene.  Break away from it when the clock strikes midnight, show cage being killed in the flashback, and then go back to Ariel saying "Time's up" and leading him away.

Overall, besides the few minor gripes, I enjoyed the script and was left wanting to read and discover more about the main characters.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 15
Niles_Crane
Posted: January 6th, 2010, 7:38am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Thanks Rob and Steve

Yes - do think that there is room for development on the Kirsty front, definitely, and like the idea of a scene in the hospital after the crash. Danny is meant to be really a bad apple, and I did have thoughts of showing him taking bribes as a copper and so on, but never got round to it! I wouldn't mind having a go at this for a feature, so may incorporate some of these ideas.

Re action leaking into the dialogue - this is because half this script was written in Celtx and I then transferred it to FD when I got it - I thought I'd found all of the anomalies, but obviously not!

THE FOLLOWING IS A SPOILER - DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE SCRIPT

Cage is dead throughout the story. He died in the car park, and everything we see in his home town is happening after that. When he says at the beginning that he has come back, he means it in more than one sense!
Logged
e-mail Reply: 11 - 15
Brian M
Posted: January 8th, 2010, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Glasgow
Posts
482
Posts Per Day
0.24
This was good. Confusing at times, for me anyway, but still good. There were times I felt you went a bit flashback-crazy but the flashbacks are essential so I'll take that back. Taking a quick glance at the comments, a lot of what I wanted to say has already been mentioned so I might repeat a few things.

I loved the scenes with George and Cage. The dialogue here was brilliant and you realise pretty quickly that George is losing his mind, as you would if you were as lonely as he was. Then Frank entered and I must say, I didn't really get him. I didn't like the Jason Statham line (it felt so out of place for me) and how Cage kept saying he was the ghost of Christmas past. The rest worked for me, just a few lines here and there didn't feel quite right and tainted some of the best scenes in the script for me.

It's already been mentioned, but some backstory has to be added for Lina and Kirsty. I'm sure you'll see to that when you get to the rewrite.

----------------MAJOR SPOILERS FROM HERE ON----------------------------

Now for what confused me. If Cage is a ghost throughout the present scenes, how does he pin Frank up against the wall in George's house? How do Frank and George see him? One of them, I could understand, but not everyone can see ghosts. Unless they are dead too?

Sorry if I've missunderstood this as I did read this in 3 sittings due to internet connection problems and I may have some things mixed up.

You do have a problem that everyone will see the ending coming, especially with Ariel's character. I didn't really see the point in her, maybe it would be better changing her with another character, maybe a dead uncle or someone close to Cage. He could just talk to them like normal so we wouldn't know right away that they are dead and the ending would have more of an impact.

Anyway, good work here. Enjoyed reading this alot and would love to see the next draft. Good luck!

Brian


CURRENTLY POSTED

The Forgotten Christmas Tape - Short, Dark Thriller (9 pages)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 15
Niles_Crane
Posted: January 8th, 2010, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Thanks Brian

Should say that the Jason Statham line is my favourite line in the whole thing!

ENTERING SPOILER TERRITORY

Do not be fooled into thinking that because he is dead, that Cage is just immaterial (in the literal sense). Ghosts come in all shapes and sizes, and if you read enough supernatural literature (which I have done over the years, as I like ghost stories - the family religion is Spiritualism, so I suppose it is in the blood!), you soon learn that a ghost does not have to be a transparent shade.

Cage is dead. But he is still physically manifested, and solid - everyone can see and feel him. (And no, that doesn't make him a zombie!)

EXIT SPOILER TERRITORY

Thanks again for the feedback - it is pretty likely that I will come back to this script in the not too distant future - probably after I have finished the script I am currently struggling with!

By the way - I have not forgotten about "Neighbourhood Watch" and will get back to you about it asap.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 13 - 15
jackx
Posted: January 12th, 2010, 12:15am Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
293
Posts Per Day
0.16
Figured I still owed you a read for your comments on Hard Case.  (Which happens to be up with a new and revised version using your suggestions.)

Great title.
"A strong wind whips and blows of the snow"  you mean blows up the snow?  or blows off?
Missing comma before mum, in "I'm home, mum"  and several other places in dialogue.
p8  Mom said she's buy the lone ranger, should be 'she'd buy'
Seems kind of odd for cage to reference jason statham.  specially since it seems the timeline is off.
You'd think if cages home life was so bad he would have left before he was twenty.
p22 "She shuts the case and prepares to leave"  seems to have slipped into cages dialogue.  and again a few lines later.
"I became what I hated"  Maybe a little cliche.  Seems like he could just kinda choke up without actually stating it as the girl leaves.
p35 brand tells cage to take cage, not peterson.
p43  cage stands at the funeral, he is soaking?  seems like your maybe missing the end of the sentence.
Then he drops danny to the floor, but I thought they were outside.
"And keep's stamping."  dont need an apostrophe S
p47 the landlord "he did want to pay up"  I think you meant didn't
Yea I agree the James brand thing is a little confusing.  Could just do Brand (30)  or something to that effect.
I think maybe you got  little over blatant talking about Simon and god and heaven and all.  Maybe just leave it at her saying the only hell is the one we create.

What was the old christmas movie where the guy gets to disappear and see what the world would be like if he was never born?  This kinda reminds me of a dark violent version of that.  In a good way.

I agree the girlfriend thing was a bit undeveloped, but didnt really have problems with any of the other characters.  I thought the old man was pretty well done.  If you expand this to feature length probably shouldnt add too many flashbacks and smooth that out a bit, but you knew that already.

Other than that I really liked it, great atmosphere.  A perfect anti-holiday holiday movie.  Nice work.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 15
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Drama  [ previous | next ] Switch to:

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006