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It would be interesting to hear from all of the contributors. Even though I considered this good enough for a first draft, the script definitely needs a bit of tearing up and tightening. And that's exactly why I posted it. So give it your best go.
And Jeff, as a veteran of "the games" you know that the only time any grudge is held is when you do a "no show". If you tell us what's up - which you did - then everyone is cool with it.
I'll read it and post feedback. BEWARE!!! BWOOOHAHA!!
I did want to thank you guys for including me as a contributor. Very cool. I feel very bad about backing out and I honestly hope you guys are still cool with me. Knowing now how long it went on after I jumped ship, it was a good decision on my part for sure. No way could I have held up that long.
Go for it, Jeff. Hopefully you won't die a slow and painful death during the Broadway scene.
I love theatre and my present for Christmas included going to see Jesus Christ Superstar on January 1st, with Ted Neely, the Jesus in the movie from the 70s. (Wait, that sounds wrong doesn't it? Well, I didn't go with him, but with my husband )
His voice is still fabulous. I was blessed to be able to see it. (See his voice? Wow, she really does have magic powers, you think. Yu think?)
Even though we spent $30 bucks for two doubles, it's still a blessing. Doubles are always a blessing when you drink them with Jesus.
Anyways, you'll probably hate it, but it's been a lot of fun even though Logan never got to show up.
I read to pg. 50 something but I'm still holding my thoughts till the end since I have no idea how this is all going to turn out. Thanks for putting me as contributing.
Some of the things that came to me were the amount of characters we have to keep track of. But we already knew that from the getco. And some of the scenes could be cut short. I'll give more detail once I'm done.
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
I read to pg. 50 something but I'm still holding my thoughts till the end since I have no idea how this is all going to turn out. Thanks for putting me as contributing.
Some of the things that came to me were the amount of characters we have to keep track of. But we already knew that from the getco. And some of the scenes could be cut short. I'll give more detail once I'm done.
We might consider turning this into a nighttime soap. Then, we can derive some focus with some of the characters.
If we like it, we can rewrite and create more scenes where all of the characters are interacting together, rather than as smaller groups.
The nighttime soap would create the individual and small group dynamics, and the movie would concentrate on the larger group dynamics.
Just my humble thoughts... so I'm treading lightly here. Looking at the names on here, there should be very little kink in your armor. IMO. For the record, "I wouldn't have jumped ship." What do you do when you come to the end of your rope? You tie a knot and hang on.
Having said that... I'm a technical man and big on writing. Yes, I know this is only a first draft and I'm not going to harp on that too much but I thought this was written well, but I'd like to mention a few things before I give my thoughts on the story overall...
Page#1 "If the grass is always greener on the other side, then this is the other side." This is alright, I guess but I got this impression anyway after I read the very next line. I'm thinking okay, the "PLACE DE RA-ZON" is the cream of the crop. Heaven on earth so-to-speak. I think you showed us already. But this is just ghost.
Page#5, though it's snug at back of the room. Could be worded better.
Page#43, "The three of them wind up staring where Darnell is staring, is staring, is staring." I guess I kind of get it.
"Awkward moment of silence" overkill. Wearily and tiresome. Lots. Get more creative will you.
A few spacing issues in the action lines throughout. For example on page #14, Cherry has already rushed over to Jimmy. Sorry, I can't resist... Why not, Cherry rushes over to Jimmy instead or better yet, Cherry's at Jimmy's side.
Nothing to distract the reader, just small stuff. Things I wanted to point out. Onto your story.
I thought you'll did a very nice job with the characters in this. Is there alot, absolutely but this is a feature. I didn't have any problem keeping up with any of them to be honest. Having said this... they all were inmature and for some reason 28. Yes, it's very plausible but I couldn't help thinking why make them all 28?
I didn't really dislike any of your characters. None of them IMO did anything that bad to warrant it. I have to admit guys like Roddy, I always butted heads with in high school.
Cherry one big flirt. A thing with Jimmy, making out with Roddy, flirting with Darnell at dinner. I felt bad for Johnny still holding that crush after all these years. He sees her and then she flocks to Jimmy. After this happens he's furious. Being he intended to propose to her, it's plausible but I was thinking most guys after not seeing a high school crush for so long wouldn't be that furious atleast off the bat. But this is just Ghost.
When Jeana gets a phone call about her father and has to go. The exchange between her and gabriel, I had to read it twice. It just didn't feel right. More so rehearsed. One big act. "It got the wheels in my head spinning."
This was small but I liked this... page#10, when Jeana grabs Jimmy's drink and heads out with darnell. Jimmy says, "She stole my drink." Befitting with the title of this script... not to mention when Darnell is accussed of stealing the RV, and then Johnny notices the ring missing on page#37 and Jimmy pick-pockets the ring from Darnell later on.
Lots of conflicts going on, between the characters kept this interseting. Jimmy and Johnny's conflict I like the most because I could relate to that a longtime ago.
I like how you'll didn't reveal to much at the paintball fight. I thought the flashbacks were a nice touch.
Maybe the ring could come up missing a few pages earlier. Just a thought. Oh Protag and antag wasn't quite sure.
I wont spoil then ending only to say, fair enough. Overall, I found the story to be very entertaining and lots of potential as well. Nothing made me laugh out loud though. But as you'll know, you can definitely tighten up the writing for sure.
Just my thoughts. I'm sure others to follow will give you more detailed feedback then mines.
Just my humble thoughts... so I'm treading lightly here. Looking at the names on here, there should be very little kink in your armor. IMO. For the record, "I wouldn't have jumped ship." What do you do when you come to the end of your rope? You tie a knot and hang on.
Having said that... I'm a technical man and big on writing. Yes, I know this is only a first draft and I'm not going to harp on that too much but I thought this was written well, but I'd like to mention a few things before I give my thoughts on the story overall...
Page#1 "If the grass is always greener on the other side, then this is the other side." This is alright, I guess but I got this impression anyway after I read the very next line. I'm thinking okay, the "PLACE DE RA-ZON" is the cream of the crop. Heaven on earth so-to-speak. I think you showed us already. But this is just ghost.
Page#5, though it's snug at back of the room. Could be worded better.
Page#43, "The three of them wind up staring where Darnell is staring, is staring, is staring." I guess I kind of get it.
"Awkward moment of silence" overkill. Wearily and tiresome. Lots. Get more creative will you.
A few spacing issues in the action lines throughout. For example on page #14, Cherry has already rushed over to Jimmy. Sorry, I can't resist... Why not, Cherry rushes over to Jimmy instead or better yet, Cherry's at Jimmy's side.
Nothing to distract the reader, just small stuff. Things I wanted to point out. Onto your story.
I thought you'll did a very nice job with the characters in this. Is there alot, absolutely but this is a feature. I didn't have any problem keeping up with any of them to be honest. Having said this... they all were inmature and for some reason 28. Yes, it's very plausible but I couldn't help thinking why make them all 28?
I didn't really dislike any of your characters. None of them IMO did anything that bad to warrant it. I have to admit guys like Roddy, I always butted heads with in high school.
Cherry one big flirt. A thing with Jimmy, making out with Roddy, flirting with Darnell at dinner. I felt bad for Johnny still holding that crush after all these years. He sees her and then she flocks to Jimmy. After this happens he's furious. Being he intended to propose to her, it's plausible but I was thinking most guys after not seeing a high school crush for so long wouldn't be that furious atleast off the bat. But this is just Ghost.
When Jeana gets a phone call about her father and has to go. The exchange between her and gabriel, I had to read it twice. It just didn't feel right. More so rehearsed. One big act. "It got the wheels in my head spinning."
This was small but I liked this... page#10, when Jeana grabs Jimmy's drink and heads out with darnell. Jimmy says, "She stole my drink." Befitting with the title of this script... not to mention when Darnell is accussed of stealing the RV, and then Johnny notices the ring missing on page#37 and Jimmy pick-pockets the ring from Darnell later on.
Lots of conflicts going on, between the characters kept this interseting. Jimmy and Johnny's conflict I like the most because I could relate to that a longtime ago.
I like how you'll didn't reveal to much at the paintball fight. I thought the flashbacks were a nice touch.
Maybe the ring could come up missing a few pages earlier. Just a thought. Oh Protag and antag wasn't quite sure.
I wont spoil then ending only to say, fair enough. Overall, I found the story to be very entertaining and lots of potential as well. Nothing made me laugh out loud though. But as you'll know, you can definitely tighten up the writing for sure.
Just my thoughts. I'm sure others to follow will give you more detailed feedback then mines.
Good job overall
Ghostwriter
Thank you Ghost!!!!
I can't answer specifics, because I'm still figrurin' .
I read to pg. 50 something but I'm still holding my thoughts till the end since I have no idea how this is all going to turn out. Thanks for putting me as contributing.
No worries. You came very close to a written by but I decided that it was fair to make the cut off for written by for those who finished.
Some of the things that came to me were the amount of characters we have to keep track of. But we already knew that from the getco. And some of the scenes could be cut short. I'll give more detail once I'm done.
Great. Looking forward to hearing what you have to say.
Nothing to distract the reader, just small stuff. Things I wanted to point out. Onto your story.
Thanks for the technical comments. Those will probably be the easiest to take care of
I thought you'll did a very nice job with the characters in this. Is there alot, absolutely but this is a feature. I didn't have any problem keeping up with any of them to be honest. Having said this... they all were inmature and for some reason 28. Yes, it's very plausible but I couldn't help thinking why make them all 28?
A LOT of work went into the characters, I happy to hear it shows. Why 28? They all went to school together this is a 10 year reunion for them - that makes them about 28. Why are they immature? We figure when your with a group of friends that you knew in your childhood, you might act a bit childish.
I didn't really dislike any of your characters. None of them IMO did anything that bad to warrant it. I have to admit guys like Roddy, I always butted heads with in high school.
We didn't want anyone to be too much of a meanny. Well, we did but then someone else didn't and you can imagine how that goes.
Cherry one big flirt. A thing with Jimmy, making out with Roddy, flirting with Darnell at dinner. I felt bad for Johnny still holding that crush after all these years. He sees her and then she flocks to Jimmy. After this happens he's furious. Being he intended to propose to her, it's plausible but I was thinking most guys after not seeing a high school crush for so long wouldn't be that furious atleast off the bat. But this is just Ghost.
I reckon Johnny was always a bit like that with Cherry. But I think Cherry thought of it as brotherly protection when they were kids. But that could be just mcornetto.
When Jeana gets a phone call about her father and has to go. The exchange between her and gabriel, I had to read it twice. It just didn't feel right. More so rehearsed. One big act. "It got the wheels in my head spinning."
Because it is one big act.
This was small but I liked this... page#10, when Jeana grabs Jimmy's drink and heads out with darnell. Jimmy says, "She stole my drink." Befitting with the title of this script... not to mention when Darnell is accussed of stealing the RV, and then Johnny notices the ring missing on page#37 and Jimmy pick-pockets the ring from Darnell later on.
And a lot of love stealing going on too. But actually the title has a bit to do with the way the exercise worked as well.
Lots of conflicts going on, between the characters kept this interseting. Jimmy and Johnny's conflict I like the most because I could relate to that a longtime ago.
I like how you'll didn't reveal to much at the paintball fight. I thought the flashbacks were a nice touch.
Maybe the ring could come up missing a few pages earlier. Just a thought. Oh Protag and antag wasn't quite sure.
I would have liked the ring to get stolen a bit earlier but I take the blame for it getting stolen later. It's because of the way I divided the story. It can be fixed though.
Personally, I think the antag/protag is the entire group. I think this is an ark movie.
I wont spoil then ending only to say, fair enough. Overall, I found the story to be very entertaining and lots of potential as well. Nothing made me laugh out loud though. But as you'll know, you can definitely tighten up the writing for sure.
Just my thoughts. I'm sure others to follow will give you more detailed feedback then mines.
Glad you enjoyed it overall and thanks so much for taking the time to comment. Cheers!
I've begun reading this script and found it to be very tight and an easy read. Good job on that. But I'm confused about one thing. I noticed your not including an extra space between the last action description and the next scene heading. Isn't that an industry standard?
EXT. MANSION - DAY
If the grass is always greener on the other side, then this is the other side. A beautifully manicured garden sweeps up to a spectacular stone edifice and sign, PLACE DE RA-ZON.
CHERUB "CHERRY" CHAMBERS and still smokin' hot, enters the circular driveway and parks. As she leaves the car she's flooded by the beauty and immensity of the place.
EXTRA SPACE HERE ???????????? TRUE OR FALSE?
INT. FOYER A lush entryway as you'd expect. The doorbell rings with fanfare.
I've begun reading this script and found it to be very tight and an easy read. Good job on that. But I'm confused about one thing. I noticed your not including an extra space between the last action description and the next scene heading. Isn't that an industry standard?
EXT. MANSION - DAY
If the grass is always greener on the other side, then this is the other side. A beautifully manicured garden sweeps up to a spectacular stone edifice and sign, PLACE DE RA-ZON.
CHERUB "CHERRY" CHAMBERS and still smokin' hot, enters the circular driveway and parks. As she leaves the car she's flooded by the beauty and immensity of the place.
EXTRA SPACE HERE ???????????? TRUE OR FALSE?
INT. FOYER A lush entryway as you'd expect. The doorbell rings with fanfare.
Thanks to anybody who can clear this up for me.
I use Final Draft and it naturally formats; however, when we worked through some of the clean up, we cycled it around and the file types were changed to txt etc...
...No, it's "definitely" messed up. I'm not trying to make waves but considering that Thief was written by some of SS's top screenwriters, it suprises me that you all would see this major formatting error as even being close to acceptable.
...No, it's "definitely" messed up. I'm not trying to make waves but considering that Thief was written by some of SS's top screenwriters, it suprises me that you all would see this major formatting error as even being close to acceptable.
Fucking hell mate, it's a script, not a life saving operation.
...No, it's "definitely" messed up. I'm not trying to make waves but considering that Thief was written by some of SS's top screenwriters, it suprises me that you all would see this major formatting error as even being close to acceptable.
Wow. I apologize for being human. I'll write that one into The Magic of Letters most certainly. You have just given me an amazing idea!!!
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