Journey to Justice by Gareth Askew - Drama - A group of gay friends form a vigilante group when one of their own is murdered. 97 pages - pdf, format

If anyone's downloaded and read this screenplay (or any portion of it) I'd love to hear your feedback - whatever your thought!

Hey Gareth.

Don't let this discourage you, right now, but an agent or a production company or a director won't even read past the first paragraph, simply because it's formatted wrong.  Unfortunately, I doubt that anyone here on the boards will finish reading your story for the same exact reason.  It reads more like a book then a script.

Quoted from 'Journey to Justice' 1. EXT. DARK ALLEY -- NIGHT Coventry, England. A cold November night. A wiry man, SPENCER SIMMONDS, 37, runs for his life. Three thugs chase him, wielding baseball bats. These men are CARL ESPINOSA, 29, his slim build disguises a ferocious persona. The other men are HARRY BAKER, 26 and LEWIS CARR, 25. These men make the Mitchell brothers look like pacifists. Carl grabs Spencer. Floors him. Kicks him. Brandishing their baseball bats, the thugs beat him black and blue. Flashing blue lights and sirens approach.

Just glancing, I see about ten mistakes right off the bat.

Take some time, read some screenplay books that tell about formatting and structure, and read a couple stories already posted here on SimplyScripts.  Read what all the other people have to say about those stories and learn from them.  A lot of people on this site have a very good idea about what to do and what not to do.  It's definately worth it to take some time and learn from them first, before just jumping in blind.  You'll brush up all those mistakes in no time.  Hope this helps.

-  Mark

You drop a script off on our doorstep five months and now you come back and ask for our opinions?  Reading scripts gets you read.


Phil

rc1107 - I'm confused. I deliberately included a brief sentence about each character as that was a tip given by reader 'jenny lerch' in her book '500 ways to beat the hollywood script reader'. I'm actually writing this to produce myself, as my passion lies in producing/directing rather than writing.

Having said that, I'm well aware that further work still needs to be done, but I'm more concerned with the story, character and pacing rather than formatting.


dogglebe - I've read several scripts on here but often feel at a loss to critique others' work. As I mentioned above, writing is not my forte. But I apologise if I have broken any etiquette on here.

Okay, read the whole thing.  Yay for me!

I'm amused by Dogglebe's quote as I've read and commented on several scripts here and can't seem to get anything read.  So I guess the opposite is also true.

Anyway, I "mostly" liked this story.  It has some good qualities.  Yes, there are a couple examples of wordiness in the descriptions.  But they go away after a few pages.

I would suggest that if you're starting with an action packed opening that you could skip the descriptions until later and get on with the plot, or at least boil them down to a well-chosen word or two.

However, I thought the majority of  the formatting was spot on.  Most dialogue is clipped and easy to read and imagine and most characters never speak beyond a sentence or so except for a few instances which is perfectly okay.

So anyway, a fast read.  Thanks.

Here's my biggest criticism though.  Along about page 60 or so I started thinking about the Count of Monte Cristo.  This, I think, is the quintesential novel on revenge.  And that's really the theme here, right?

The script would go from okay, to good or even great, if the vigilantes could figure out a way to totally screw up these guy's lives without ever really laying a finger on them.  And it should be a "ladder" type thing where they practice on Harry and Lewis?, first then go in for Carl.

Screw up their credit, get them fired, thrown out of their homes, abandoned by their friends, and ultimately arrested by the cops.  Or something.

Then at the end, they could reveal themselves to Carl and claim responsibility as he's being led off to jail, or whatever.  Anyway, I only mention this because I kind of had the idea that this is where it was heading.  Instead, you go in for a more traditional blood bath, which might play more cliche, or more commercial depending on your point of view.  

But all in all, a pretty strong effort and an enjoyable (fast) read.  Thanks.

Now, according to Dogglebe, YOU OWE ME A READ.  Later.

Cornwall - Thank you very much for your review. I have downloaded 'a single bound' and read the first few scenes. will post a review when i've read the whole thing!

In an earlier draft I did have a scene where Bobby phones Carl's credit card company and messed up his credit score, but this scene ended up being cut as it wasn't where I wanted to take the story.

Having said that, you really hit the nail on the head by suggesting they practise on Harry and Lewis. I hadn't considered that and would give these characters more impact on the reader/audience.

The reason I went for the bloodbath ending is because I wanted Bobby and Tom's relationship to have a tragic element to it. Again, in an earlier draft Bobby was killed, but it felt more honest and gritty to have him paralysed and have Tom make the choice to continue the relationship despite the disability.

I am currently involved with a local film club making short films so I haven't had chance to do another re-write lately, but I will as soon as I can.

Some ideas I have for the next re-write are to make Jamie's funeral more of a scene. For example, have some anti-gay protesters infiltrate the funeral.
Also, I would like to make Saunders less sympathetic to the group, which gives them more of a cause for not letting the police get on with the investigation.

The idea of screwing up lives such as credit, friends and homes you mentioned was explored in a novel called 'the analyst' by john katzenbach. This was an excellent novel, and is one reason I didn't go down that route here as it would make the story less original.

Anyway, I promise you I'll post a review to 'a single bound' as soon as i've had chance to read it all the way through, and thank you again for your review.