Song In My Heart, A by Cindy L. Keller - Drama - A guardian angel must divert a golddigger's interests from a young man so that he can marry the right girl. 94 pages - pdf, format

Cindy,

I liked it. Your style is very clean. Short narrative paragraphs and short lines of dialogue. Use of full scene headings, mini slugs, flashbacks and inserts didn't intrude on the read.

I assume this is the draft after the coverage you received a while back.  I thought it was awesome feedback and looked forward to reading this draft. I read and listened to your previous three part version but don’t remember many details.

I did wonder about the characters. I know you worked hard to give them tragic backgrounds but, overall, I thought all the characters were just too perfect for their situation. A little grit in the characters would be welcome.  Trisha was interesting, but George and Rebecca are so wholesome I am surprised their teeth didn’t twinkle when in the sunlight. And Roy as the exposition Angel was bordering on being too cute and non-interactive as a guardian angel.

So maybe this script isn’t for me, too cute. But I think it does have a family market though it may be a bit tame for the teens and other audiences.

Gary

Here are my notes:

p. 1 – What is a country singer wannabe doing in Detroit?

p. 3 – “What if I were to win?” seems selfish of George. Wouldn’t he say “What if we were to win?” to include Trisha in his dream?

p. 5 – “Ma Ma” is more commonly used as “mama.”

p. 5 – Why isn’t Nadine included in Roy’s mission?

p. 6 – I liked the lyrics that Rebecca was singing.  I could hear her singing it! BTW, this should be the song playing when the credits roll so make sure it’s copyrighted.

p. 10 – “Bible-toting wife” description for Irene isn’t played out in the script

p. 12 – The accident is the first action in the story.

p. 14 – Why the double insert of Michigan Ave. sign? Once would be enough..

p. 15 – Two hookers conflict with the family theme of this script. They do add some spice.

p. 16 – The line “Oh, shoot. Help me Jesus.” didn’t make sense to me. What did I miss?

p. 16 – The teen thug actions aren’t clear to me. Why is he here?

p. 17 – The butcher is very Obi Wan dispensing wisdom while cutting baloney.

p. 18 – George loses his gig – the second action/event

p. 20 – George catches his girl with another guy – the third action event. Keep the conflicts coming!

p. 22 – Trisha’s concern is about her. “Who’s gonna take care of things?” could be “…take care of me.”

p. 23 – George is on the road to his uncle’s house. Good way to start into the scene. Well done, no need to show him buying the truck. The fourth action/event.

p. 26 – Hell no is a classic line, any way to get that into the dialogue?

p. 26 – Extends rather than expands?

p. 29 – George isn’t talking to his mother? If Trisha’s gone so is the reason for not talking to his mother? BTW, 8 years feels too long for George and Trisha to be together prior to break up.

p. 29 – The parenthetical (interrupting) isn’t needed.

p. 30 – (into phone) is redundant.

This is where I stopped taking detailed notes. Hope these help.

Hi Gary,

Thank you for the read.  

You are right to assume that this is the draft I wrote after the feedback from Scriptsavvy. The beginning of the script is different now, and some other parts in the script are different, too.

Now on to answer your comments.  

I was going for a G or PG rating here. I wanted something that would be fun for the family to see, and leave you with a good feeling at the end. I grew up watching Shirley Temple, Topper, and some other good old movies on the tube on Sunday afternoons, and that is the kind of movie I was trying to go for here, but more brought up to date.

You ask what is a country singer wanna be doing in Detroit, well there's a lot of them here. They play in the bars on weekends. I know, cos I was married to one of them.

You ask why wasn't Nadine included, well, Roy had promised her before she died that he would guide her down the right path. She was in Heaven. He wanted to keep his promise to her, too.

I showed him tipping his hat to the hookers, and them making fun of him as another way to prove that he is in the wrong place. The Help me Jesus line was because they thought he was way too funny.

I used the thug and his music to help open George's eyes that that is the kind of music people are listening to... not country in that area.

George had know Max the butcher for years. I tried to put that across in the dialogue...

I didn't think there was any need to show him buying the truck because he saw it with the sale price on the windshield. I just went on to him driving it in another scene. Figured everyone would get it.  

The song Wounded Angel is mine. It was recorded by Donna Frost in Nashville, so it does have a copyright.  

I guess this is more of a girly movie. Most females like it, while males think it's too cute, but that is okay. It's my story, and I like it a lot.  

Thank you for the read again,

Cindy

Hi Cindy,

I was hoping you would post this after your re-write. You have this entered in a contest don't you?  i will give this a read and get back to you. Take care.

Shawn.....><

Hi Shawn,

I have the "before draft" entered into Page and AAA, and I have the "after Scriptsavvy's feedback draft" entered into Write Movies. So we'll see what happens.  

Just heard that A SONG IN MY HEART made the top 25% at Page.

WAY TO GO CINDY!

Shawn....><

I remember this script from a long time ago.  Good to see it's making its mark!

Way to go, Cindy!

Greg

Congratulations Cindy,

Like Greg, I recall reading and reviewing this some time ago. I’m glad to see you getting somewhere with it.


Breanne

Thanks Shawn, Greg, and Breanne.

Breanne,
Just thought I'd let you know that I used your suggestion, and added a scene about Trisha (the ex) having a breakdown in church.  

Cindy

Cindy, when I tried to read this, I didn't get English words on the page.  Instead I got a bunch of weird symbols.

I'd love to read it as I like light sci-fi.  If you can email it to Ides315R@aol.com, I'd appreciate it.  Thanks, Richard

Quoted from TheRichcraft I'd love to read it as I like light sci-fi.

Sci-fi?

Congratulations Cindy!!! I thought you did a good job on it!  

Thanks for the script being sent to my email address.  It still comes up as weird symbols when I try to bring it up on here.

The script came across as a cross between Ma and  Pa Kettle and Topper with a little Andy Griffith thrown in.  Having Trisha win half of the lottery being her safety net after her breakdown was pure genius.  

Can you explain scriptsavvy and write movies sites to me?  I would really appreciate it very much.  Thank you, Richard Ashcraft

Hi Richard,

That was a quick read.  

It's funny, I like and watch all those shows that you mentioned.  
I added the lottery winnings in there as another way to give Trisha a kick in the rear for being such a brat, but then I started to think about Roy, and how he couldn't just leave her that way.

Now about Scriptsavvy, and Write Movies. They are both screenwriting contests. Scriptsavvy is a monthly contest that gives awesome feedback on the scripts in their contest.  The feedback costs a little (only $20 over the price of the contest or you can pay $60 more and get a full analysis of your script) but it is well worth every penny.

I don't think Write Movies gives feedback, but they only accept 1,000 entries for their contest, so the odds are better. They work with production companies, and will pitch your script if you do good in the contest.

You can find out more about different screenwriting contests at http://www.moviebytes.com

Thanks for the read,

Cindy

Quoted from Grandma Bear Congratulations Cindy!!! I thought you did a good job on it!

Thank you, Pia. This script was fun to write.

So I get hooked with Rebecca and Roy, up until they crash.

Then it slows way down until George leaves Trish. I'm thinking that could be shortened up somehow.

The voice overs are too much for me.

Too linear. I think you could condense a great deal and get to the gist of this thing quicker.

Reason is, you've set me up with Roy getting another chance for his little girl. So I'm on page 28 and it ain't happening.

What happens in between doesn't tell me much about George, either. We go to a rest stop. Why? What does that tell me, or did I miss something?

By page 33 we have George and Becka at least meeting. I'm going to bet that if you took out quite a bit of stuff, you could have them meeting about fifteen minutes ago. All the stuff in between, while little slices of life, I just don't remember right now, even this early in. What do I remember? Roy buying his daughter a dress with the rent money and Rebecca being lied to without knowing it and jumping up and hugging her dad with glee. And they head out and crash and Roy dies. And Roy tells me he made a promise he's going to keep. That's all I care to remember at this point. I have two characters I care about, one is dead and is now a voice over. George could be developed just as quickly, but his life is strung out and it doesn't get me any closer to George is. So I think you could compress it.

I think there would be more impact with George playing the blues if Rebecca, while painting her nails, starts humming along. Like the music brings out something in her that hasn't been brought out in a long time, and she stops painting her nails, and looks out the window and and stops humming. CUT TO Rebecca standing in Georges doorway as he plays (or, as I read further, we get to the next set a smidgen faster). Point is, with Roy switching the light, what is in Rebecca stays in Rebecca. She's not internally driven, she's externally driven. I think she should be internally driven.

Ah, so she DOES hum when she gets outside. See, I told you. Do it quicker, do it upstairs, on her own.

And here is a thought, you want drama? How about Rebecca STAYS upstairs humming the tune, then making up her own lyrics and sings, all the while painting her nails, and downstairs George is playing away and he hears her singing. So they both get connected without even being together and really knowing who is singing and who is playing. He thinks she sings like an angel, she thinks he plays like a saint. Then they meet halfway to finding out what is going on and overlap "was that you?" Sorry, got carried away there.

I think Rebecca telling George about Roy's death would have more impact. Again, something that is part of her is not coming from her. We have two characters needing all the screen time to get and keep the drama going. Put them together as much as possible.

"My daddy died trying to make my dreams come true" is heaver than "her daddy...

Maybe Roy will pay off later, but I'm still thinking that once he says he's got another plan, that's the last we see of Roy.

I also hope the deal with Trisha and Scott pays off later, too.

Now we have Irene telling Rebecca George's hard luck story. I honestly think you should figure out how to have Trisha mix things up so that Rebecca has pause and George can tell Rebecca what is going on.

So Trisha pays off pretty soon. Nice.

Why does George have both arms around Trisha?

Roy shows up and spreads his wings and Trisha can see them? We're crossing lines here we should not cross. It's confusing.

Loser is loser, not looser.

Sweet. The elements are there. They're just too loose. There are a lot of things that could happen that might heighten the stakes and take this over the top. Maybe see Rebecca and George try and make it before Trisha shows up with the contract? I don't know, something to put more life into it.

Maybe there is too much reliance on Roy being a part of this when I don't think he should be. Roy gets things going early on and then I think life should take over. Just my opinion. And make life come from the person it should come from, not a mouth piece.

George and Rebecca also have no flaws. Having a past such as theirs are not flaws. They are portrayed that way what with Phil and Irene stepping in and giving the big speech to the appropriate party, but we know they aren't flaws, we know that George has no sin, and neither does Rebecca. So having the speeches is not necessary. One asking forgiveness when it's not warranted is necessary. Is George tempted? No. Does Rebecca wrongfully disdain George? No. It's too syrupy sweet at times. They all lived happily ever after. Not that there is anything wrong with that. It's just those flaws take us to a place we wouldn't otherwise be without them, that's all.

Wow, thank you for read the clorox  

Now to answer some of your questions:

You wondered the why of the rest stop.

Well, of course he had to go, but also to show how other couples being together would effect him. He did feel sad. He had been with Trisha for years... and he did attempt to call her, then hung up on her.

Why did George have both arms around Trisha?

He just learned that his dream of getting a recording contract had came true. He was estatic.

You asked why Rebecca and George have no flaws.

They do have flaws. I thought I showed Rebecca's flaw pretty well right off the bat when she said, "We can't go wasting money on a trip for me. The rent is gonna be due". She puts herself last.

George's flaw, He thinks the only way a woman will accept him is if he works hard at a day job, and use music as a hobby.

I do like your suggestion about having her hum while painting her toe nails.

Thank you for taking time to give this one a read.

Cindy

Quoted from CindyLKeller You wondered the why of the rest stop. Well, of course he had to go, but also to show how other couples being together would effect him. He did feel sad. He had been with Trisha for years... and he did attempt to call her, then hung up on her.

He had to go, like take a pee?

What you're trying to tell me is that even though George left, he's still tied to Trisha. It's a good thing it didn't strike me because that would have made George hooking up (at least emotionally) with Rebecca a bit fake. Now that could be a flaw that could effect the relationship between George and Rebecca.

Back to the rest stop. You could show me that with George being anywhere. You can put a prop in George's car, a prop that you show me with George and Trisha, something Trisha gave George, or something George was going to give Trisha. Something that really means that George really did care about her. So George just stares at it, one shot as he gets in his car to leave. Another shot of George looking at the prop, then a final shot as George pulls into the rest area. Time cut to George takign a piss. Time cut to George putting coins in the phone. George maybe holds the prop as he dials. Then when George cringes and hangs up the phone, George either throws away the prop, or he tries to throw away the prop but pockets it. If the throws the prop like an outfielder, he's done with Trisha. If George pockets the prop. he's not. He's hedging. He's hanging on. That will show me a man who is conflicted. George looking at other people doesn't do it for me.

I need to see someting between George and Trisha, not George and some stranger. There is no connection. It's like what you do with George and Rebecca. You try to connect them by proxy. It doesn't work that way. Proxy works like friends in middle-school telling the boy that a friend of a friend likes him. Proxy is not deep enough.

Quoted from CindyLKeller Why did George have both arms around Trisha? He just learned that his dream of getting a recording contract had came true. He was estatic.

Here's the deal. You don't show me that. So to have George's arms around a woman he disdains, greatly, because that's what you've shown me, is out of character for George. So even if you did show me why, I'd be wondering why is George even sipping poison? George is consumed with Rebecca, and now he's not, even for just a moment. That is out of character. Now if George had a flaw, I could buy it, that he would hug that vixen because he has the good news. But he doesn't have a flaw. So it doesn't work.

Give me that George is tempted with fame, looking back at Rebecca in his minds eye, maybe leaving her behind? He struggles with what is right and wrong, so he has to make a choice. We root for him to choose love over fame, but if we don't see a choice to make, we're not rooting for anything. No woman in the audience is pulling for him to be honorable in the face of being dishonorable.

Quoted from CindyLKeller You asked why Rebecca and George have no flaws. They do have flaws. I thought I showed Rebecca's flaw pretty well right off the bat when she said, "We can't go wasting money on a trip for me. The rent is gonna be due". She puts herself last.

That is not a flaw. People aspire to have that trait. That's being selfless. I wish I was that way.

A flaw should be something the character hates about themselves and wants to change.

Rebecca is introduced as an innocent 17 year old, and later she is a well adjusted young woman, even though she's lost her parents. She didn't take to drugs. She didn't take to prostitution. She's still that innocent 17 year old when we see her later on, and for the most part, she remains that person all the way till the end. She doesn't have a flaw.

Quoted from CindyLKeller George's flaw, He thinks the only way a woman will accept him is if he works hard at a day job, and use music as a hobby.

That is not a flaw, either. While it's something to overcome for George (which he doesn't during the story) women think that is an honorable trait in a man. That trait shows that he is committed to taking care of the woman that may come into his life. It is not a flaw.

clorox,

Thank you so much again. Your input is very insightful. I am a self-taught screenwriter. I have never taken any screenwriting classes. The only help I get in writing is from people like you at this site. So I want to say thank you again.

I see the points you make, and along with the other comments I have received, I have decided to do another rewrite.

Thank you again,

Cindy

Now keep in mind that Rebecca does not have to have a flaw. She does not have to change. We men want a girl like Rebecca, even if such a woman exists only onscreen (hehe). The point is that none of your main characters have a flaw so THEM not having flaws is like a blinding beacon. The only character with a flaw is Trisha and that is good since she is the catalyst for conflict. She can't change because once she does, the conflict is gone. Trisha is the villian. She stands out. George needs to stand out even more. George (good) needs to triumph over Trisha (evil), which he does, really, weakly, passively (get the point?) but it can be so much more here, without going to PG-13 or R, too.

If George has a flaw, then he can exercise it to the detriment of his relationship with Rebecca. This is where the moral of your story comes in LOUD AND CLEAR. George asks for forgiveness. In a comedy, Rebeccas forgives George, in a tragedy, she doesn't. This is a comedy, so Rebecca will forgive George and they will move on, all the stronger and wiser for the experience they had, and so should we after going through this with them.

It may seem like cookie cutter stuff here, and it is, but what sets YOUR story apart is Roy and how he interacts in the story. It's little, but enough of something different for what is the same. I'd still get rid of Roy after he has a plan, and you can bring him back at the end, but the whole spreading the wings thing; I guess if this is for kids, you'll get away with it. Now that I think about it, if this is for kids, you'll get away with the whole Roy thing. Little kids don't have that critical thinking polluted adults have, where they think WTF is that? So, you're considering your audience.

Still, moral. The moral is so weak here that it's non-existant. The flaw and forgiveness will bubble the moral right to the top. The greater the sin, the greater the grace, the more powerful foregiveness is. We all want to be forgiven for the shmucks we can be and therefore do something that will stand out as proof that we get it. The power of forgiveness and doing what is right will be reinforced in us as we proudly walk out of the theater pledging to be a better person and do good by others, until we pass the bar right next door (hic).

You know, the feedback I'm getting from you is similar to what I received from Blue Cat Screenplay contest.

I really appreciate your time here, Clorox.

I now have some ideas that I think will pump it up a notch.

Cindy

Don't know anything about Bluecat.

Bring it home.

Quoted from CindyLKeller You know, the feedback I'm getting from you is similar to what I received from Blue Cat Screenplay contest. Cindy

Woops! That was from someone else.

Bluecat liked the V.O.s, said Roy's V.O.s weren't overdone or too sparce. Said it was a good way to introduce the characters.

They also said I introduced Roy, George, and Rebecca pretty good, but to give more details on the other characters as to how they look and act.

They said to give have more flirtation between George and Rebecca.

They said once Irene punches Trisha, that should be the end of Trisha, and that seeing Roy as an angel was just way too much for this kind of a script.

That's about it.

I just wanted to say that I really enjoy your style. Your dialogue is sharp and memorable. It makes me want to go back and improve on mine.

Hey Jeremy,

Thanks for taking a look at the script. The rewrite is still in the works.

Glad you like my style.   

Don,

Thank you so much for putting the new draft up for me.  

Dummy me, the new draft is only 92 pages. I must have been thinking about another script...

Oh, well.

Cindy

Hello Cindy,

I've never read this one before and I've enjoyed the Tina Darling drafts.
So, I thought I'd try my hand at this one.
I read the first 30 pages this morning and will continue as my hangover allows.

This has a very Lifetime Network kind of feel to it.
I mean that in a good way. Very sunny friendly, it has a nice languid pace.
Your act one affair corker works, but unless Trisha's coming back, it's a bit long.
I'll assume for now she is returning, since you opened on her.
And you foreshadow her return with George retrieving the discarded keychain.

Trisha came off as a rich whiner in the beginning, tailored suits and designer shoes.
I was quite shocked to learn later that she and George struggle to make ends meet.
Seems like two different women, the one on the street and the one in the apartment.

At times, i felt the script really didn't start until Roy's narration kicked in.
I would've liked more lead in to Rebecca's singing talent.
Perhaps a church choir or a solemn song at the father's funeral.
I think there's ways like that you can tighten up some of the first act.

Overall, I enjoyed the read, your pages are pretty white and don't trip me up.
I'm looking forward to reading where you take this tale.

I found a couple typos:

p. 1 She takes a quick gimpse of her surroundings
Letter missing there.

p. 5 goofy picture of the two of them making a funny faces
Take away an "a" there.

Hope this helps.

Regards,
E.D.

Good morning Cindy,

I read pages 30 - 62 this morning.
The pages still read fine, lots and lots of white on the page.
I felt the pace was a bit more detrimental in this section.

At several points, I was reminded of a quote by screenwriter, William Goldman:
"Get into a scene as late as you can and get out as early as you can."

I think this story would benefit from a tightening up of that manner.
There's action description of the simplest of behaviors some times.
We don't need to see every opening door and blocking.
At times, I found myself skipping the mundane action description sections.

The mid section came off as a bit artificial at times.
Especially when it was just George and Rebecca.
It's a little too storybook romance for it's own good and strains believability.
I'm shocked that Rebecca has no reservations about being a "rebound girl".
Especially, after she witnesses the phone call with Trisha.
Trisha is borderline cartoonish evil and catty as well.

I'm a little unsure who's story this really is.
I felt it was at its strongest when Roy was narrating.
When he was around, I felt the script had an added focus.
The drive to do right by his daughter, the mid section lacks that energy.

I stopped at the proposal and will continue on from there.
I found a couple of typos:

p. 31 IRENE
Her and your father are headin' on
one of those fancy cruises with
shuffleboard games and the
moonlighted dancing.

Lose the "ed" there.

p. 33 REBECCA
My day was fine. Except my feet's
a little sore.

I assume you meant her foot's sore?

Hope this help. Looking forward to wrapping this one up.
Regards,
E.D.

Hey Cindy,

I finished the script this morning.
Congrats on getting some good coverage and recognition on this last year.
I was reading through some of the thread posts.

This is a pleasant story, but the character arcs didn't grab me.
I think the character drive that needs the most attention is Roy.
He starts off our narrative, pledging to help his daughter be heard around the world.
In the end, I didn't see much Roy did to make this dream come true.
Roy barely intervened at all, he was a passive observer for most of the story.

I like the characters well enough, but there's not much conflict or dilemma here.
Trisha is so shallow that there's never a real threat to the romance with Rebecca.
After Irene divulges the wedding plans, perhaps Trisha sneaks into town.
She finds Rebecca and spins a tale that makes her out to be the victim.
Trisha preys upon Rebecca's kindness, pretending to be a martyr for George.
And now that *she* made his contract dream come true, he'll come back to her.
You set up Trisha as a gold digger, but she isn't very good at manipulating folks.
Something like that can create a dilemma within Rebecca about the marriage.

Or, you can make Trisha a more decent person and give George the dilemma.
The script needs dilemma. Choices are tantamount to storytelling.
I still think Rebecca being cautious about being a rebound girl is good too.
Especially after witnessing the phone call with Trisha and George.
You have decent characters, now set them up to challenge their beliefs.

I also wanted more music from the script.
A signing guitar playing courtship or both of them performing at a local bar.
That could be an avenue for good old local boys to figure into the script.
I was surprised George didn't make a single friend from work or in town.
Rebecca's ex could be a pricky rival for George.
He could amp up the dilemma by revealing something from Rebecca's past.
There's a lot of ways I think you can enhance the story you've put together.

I thought Trisha's end was downright mean spirited and not consistent with the story.
She didn't do anything that bad to deserve such a fate.

You've created a pretty solid story framework here.
By enhancing conflict and dilemma, you can take that effort to the next level.
Write yourself into a corner and let the characters tell you what they would do.

Best of luck, hope this helps.
Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Wow, Brett,

Thank you so much for your review. I see you took quite a bit of time with this.
I do appreciate it.

Darned typos...
Thanks for finding a couple for me. I hate em.

But the "moonlighted dancing" and "my feet's a little sore" is their dialogue. They're how I meant them to be...

Roy was in more of the script in earlier drafts. An agent read the script and suggested that after he reveals he has a plan, that he be taken out till the end. So I rewrote it.

Although Trisha is shallow, it was growing up poor that made her that way. Her and George had been together for years, too. George did love her, gave her everything she wanted. Maybe he felt sorry for her, but she took him for granted.

Have Trisha manipulate Rebecca?

Yeah, I can see her trying to do that.

I can also see Rebecca having doubts.

Good suggestions. Thank you.

Maybe I'll write in a phone conversation between the two that can do just that, on the day before everyone shows up.

Thanks again, Brett. You have helped.

Cindy  

The latest draft is now up.

Thank you, Don.

Cindy