Black Beauty by Leon Segers - Drama - Hollywood's secret bias…'Dark Black Females' 106 pages - pdf, format

Hey Leon,

I read the first 7 pages - apologies for the short review, but I'm trying to get through a few to give basic feedback.

Firstly, I'm a Brit and I found it a little difficult to follow some of what you were saying. I don't think that's necessarily a problem. I guess it depends on who you are sending it to. I tried to review someone else's material with a similar style of writing (although much, much more extreme) and was accused of suggesting he 'white' it up - at least, that's what I think he was saying. Anyway, like I say I  guess it depends who your intended audience is.

I liked the start of the story. Pretty vivid in terms of visualising the location. Loved the guys  dancing while cooking. Gave me a warm feeling thinking about it. Unfortunately, Luwanda's attitude soon stopped that - I hope you don't want the audience to like her in any way 'cos I really, really hate her already!

A few suggestions -

I think your using too much description. It all sounds very accurate, but I don't think it's needed and it just detracts from the story.

I think you've possible got a few too many directions in you don't need - O.S and V.O's in the action.

The slowmo scene of the beautiful black girl - it's nicely done. Again too much description generally, but I got a good visualisation from it. The only thing I would say is that scene has been done sooooo many times! Can you think of another way of doing it that might be a little more original? Just a suggestion.

Anyway hope that helps - good luck