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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Bobby Blewzinski Sings The Blues Moderators: bert
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  Author    Bobby Blewzinski Sings The Blues  (currently 3331 views)
Don
Posted: September 10th, 2010, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bobby Blewzinski Sings The Blues by Michael Peed (seamus19382) - Drama - When a One Hit Wonder ten years past his One Hit loses his job, he has to go home and navigate the vagaries of love, music, hockey and drugs in order to reconcile himself to his Father, his ex, and if he's lucky, himself. 101 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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seamus19382
Posted: September 11th, 2010, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for getting this up.  
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Thornton
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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Michael,

That's one loooonnnggggg sentence in your logline! Nearly put me off (nearly ran out of breath); can you not break it up a bit?

I'll give it a read and let you know how I get on.

Thornton
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Thornton
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Michael,


The construction workers beak (sp) into cheers.

Johanna and Andrew engage in a
long deep kiss. The kids ooh and aah. Would a teacher really do that in front of a group of school kids?

Cholllie makes a notation in a small notebook. Too many l's.

BOBBY
It was One Hit Wonders. This doesn't sound quite right to me. Do you mean....We were one hit wonders? It's the 'it' that's confusing me, I think.

A Battle of the Bands
just seems like a step backwards. Like a backwards-step?

ROBERT (MUFFLED THROUGH THE MASK)
It’s his lucky suit. Great line, very funny.

Go ahead. She thinks you’re an
asshole too. Another good line.

Michael,

I'm up to p24 and have to say, so far, this is one of the best things I've read on these boards. I suspect you might get a few complaints about grammar, spelling etc and that logline is atrocious, but......you have painted some absolutely wonderful characters and a tremendous backdrop. I know absolutely nothing about ice-hockey, nor philledelphia culture (I'm from the UK) and to be honest I'm not overly interested in either. However, your writing is such that I feel comfortable with both of these things. Most interesting for me is that in these first 20 pages or so, not a lot has happened - no zombies, explosions, genecide etc. And yet it has kept my interest through interesting people and good story-telling. How very refreshing.

Well done.

Thornton
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seamus19382
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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Thornton,

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this.  I really appreciate it.

Yes, the logline is horrific.  In all the time I've been working on this, I've never once considered a logline.  Then When I anted to upload it, I had to have one!  Talk about being unprepared!

Thanks for the cathces on the spelling/typos.  No matter ow many times I go through, there's always some that get through.  Picking them out is hard work, and I appreciate it!!!!

It's a huge relief that the Philly-centricity isn't putting you off.  Just aout everyone who has read it so far is from Philly, so I was a little worried about how it would play to someone with no vested interest.  

Come on over sometime, and I'll buy you a hoagie.  If that doesn't get you intereted in Philadelphia culture, nothing will!  
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dogglebe
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
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I'm having problems with how you write scenes, Mike.  They're very short and you seem to end them abruptly.  Many of them seem to be a set up, a punchline, and end of scene.  It leaves me with a disjointed feeling toward the story.  You need to expand on them, even if it means cutting back on the number of scenes that you use.

Bobby's character seems to be very two-dimensional.  It's like you've fully established him in the first few pages.  Things have to build for him a little bit.  Instead, you have more non-sequitor scenes bottle necking.  IMHO, you could easily take twenty pages out of this script.

SPOILER SPACE

The ending was very cliche.  Bobby plays the dreaded song and he gets his girlfriend back.  I'm not happy with the and-they-all-lived-happily-ever-after ending.


Phil

Revision History (1 edits)
dogglebe  -  September 15th, 2010, 10:42pm
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seamus19382
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Phil,

Thanks so much for the read I appreciate it.

I hear you on the scenes.  One of the things I've tried to do is get in late and get out early.  I may have gone too far on that.

I'm going to hold off on the Bobby issue.  I don't want to color your opinion if you do get further.

THanks again for taking the time!
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seamus19382
Posted: September 16th, 2010, 8:48am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, you and everybody else hate the ending.  And you're absolutely right.  Thanks again for the read.  It's much apreciated.
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Brian M
Posted: September 18th, 2010, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Michael,

I found this to be a very impressive script, and the only thing I know about ice hockey is that there is a lot of fighting. I noticed quite a few typos but I was enjoying your story too much to note them. Some people might pull you up on a few format issues, like no V.O for Andrew speaking on television, but I’ll leave that to the ones who know more about that stuff than me.

SPOILERS...

I agree with Phil about the short scenes. There were some instances where it worked well, but at others, it didn’t feel right. I didn’t notice until just before the halfway mark. The scene with Bobby and Johanna on page 49 stuck out for me. It was just heating up and you just ended it and moved on.

I actually found Bobby’s character to be very well done, and he was a major reason why this worked so well for me. I love characters that are troubled and have their fair share of problems in their life, much better than the perfect action hero types that fill our screens nowadays.

I would have liked to have known more about why Bobby quit the band. There wasn’t any bad blood involved as they seemed to let him play with them whenever he wanted. Maybe if someone in the band objected to him returning, there would be more conflict. Either way, I’d like to know why he quit earlier, and why he hates THAT song so much.

I’m not a fan of the ending. I like a happy ending if it’s done right, but this was as cheesy as it could be. The end scene with Bobby and Johanna moving house didn’t work for me, same goes with the song winning her over. I think it could work better if it ends with Johanna telling Andrew to stick his job offer, and Bobby stays with the band as they prepare for another crack at the big time. Johanna and Bobby could end the scene on great terms, maybe even hint that they could get back together in the future, but not show it.

I would also have liked more of an ending for Andrew, as you just leave him and we don’t see him again. I really wanted you to show us how hurt he is over his decision to pick his job over Johanna. His betrayal was a major point in the story and I want to see the regret on his face when he sees Bobby with Johanna.

I’ve never been to the US or Philadelphia, but after reading this, I’d sure like to visit sometime to take in an ice hockey game. I got a shiver up my spine when the Flames won in the end. This was great, so great that I can’t actually think of anything else to complain about. I’d be interested to know how long you’ve been working on this for? You done a great job!

Highly recommended!

Brian
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seamus19382
Posted: September 21st, 2010, 9:53am Report to Moderator
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Hey Brian,

Thanks for aking the time to read this.  I appreciate it.  

Like I said, with the scenes, I was trying to get in late and get out early, and I know there's a few where I may have gone overboard with it.  

I think you're rght about Bobby leaving the band also.  I've had more about that in past drafts, but it elt like a lot of exposition.  I've worked on the band rehearsal scenes to hopefully include a little more, or at least enough.

Yeah, the ending.  This is what keeps me up at night.  I actually like the way you outlined it.  I had a scene in a previous draft where Andrew did confront Bobby and Johanna, but it felt like it was a bit much.  Maybe I'll try to rework that angle.

Thanks again Brian!
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 24th, 2010, 12:20am Report to Moderator
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Heya Michael!

Thanks for posting your script! I had a blast reading it!

It's been a while since I had a Gino's cheesesteak and I love your Philadelphia here!
I am a gargantuan hockey fan as well!
This feels like a ripe project for Kevin Smith, before he Copped Out. =p

**SPOILERS**

I won't go into the plentiful typos here, they have been mentioned plenty already.
I laughed lots as I breezed through the first 60 pages of the script.
Then Robert goes to the hospital and it seems the story becomes unconscious too.
Pages 60 - 65 were a real chore for me to slog through.
Watching Bobby do all those things while his father may be dead. It was harsh.
That's when I noticed fistfuls of super choppy mini scenes that derailed my reading.

When Robert slowly returned to the land of the living, so did the script.
Page 80 confounded me. Who the hell is Sandy and why does she deliver big news?
An outsider drops a big plot bomb on us. This should to come from a major player.

The ending. With all due respect, I adore the first 60 pages, but the ending stinks.
Other than the outcome of the game, I don't accept a single thing that happened.
I don't believe for a moment that Johanna would behave the way she did.
I'm quite irked with her for turning her back on the kids of Philadelphia.
Why she couldn't take the job and be with who she wants is beyond me.

The first two thirds are the best opening acts I've read on this site to date.
However, the third act face plants hard at center ice. Five minute major for diving.

Thanks so much for the read, I eagerly await more material from you!


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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seamus19382
Posted: September 24th, 2010, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Electric!

Thanks for the read and the kinf words.  Much appreciated.  Bonus points for keeping the hockey theme going!

Amazingly, I've never had a Geno's cheestesteak, despite living 5 blocks from there for a good five years.  Jim's on South Street is the best, and Pat's is always before Geno's!

For pages 60-65, Bobby does't know his Robert's sick.  He's an insensitive prick, but not that insensitive!

And yes, you're absolutley right. The ending stinks.  It's dishonest, cheesy and awful.  It's ironic that I wrote a screenplay that's partly about artistic integrity and wrote an ending that displayed none!  

Thanks again for the read and the entusiasm!
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 24th, 2010, 2:04pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from seamus19382


For pages 60-65, Bobby does't know his Robert's sick.  He's an insensitive prick, but not that insensitive!


Oh I don't despise Bobby there at all.
It was a tough read for me because I didn't know what was going on with Robert.
I wanted to get back to that. It was hard watching Bobby drowning in ignorance.
It also occurred to me the way its staged that Bobby may have been involved.
I didn't like that thought at all!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: September 26th, 2010, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Michael,

you've always been a busy reader here at SS. Seems like you would get quite a few reads in return.

Anyway, I read this today. I thought you did a pretty good job with it.

I read the other's comments and I agree with most of them. Your safe with me though when it comes to typos and grammar. I thought this was a pretty clean script. I noticed maybe a handful of typos.

The story was good and the world you painted was believable and felt real. My problems with the story itself are not huge, although I agree with the others that the ending needs fixing. I like Brian's suggestion...

One problem for me was that Johanna seemed like a nice woman all concerned about kids and such. I pictured her like a teacher. That was also the reason why I didn't understand why on earth she would be interested in Bobby. I mean, he is a loser... He apparently has let himself go. Looks like crap. Smokes pot (which doesn't make a person bad, I'm just stacking up the minuses), uses coke, drinks like a fish, doesn't have a job, lives with his parents. Do I need to go on? From a woman's pov that just doesn't make sense to pick a guy like that. Even if he says he's going to change. He needs to be a little bit better. At least have a charming personality or something...or she needs to have some flaws, because this doesn't seems believable to me. Maybe it's just me, but that is my opinion.

I was also wondering, in the end, did Robert die? I thought he did, but maybe make that a little bit more clear.

What happened to the "books not pucks" campaign? Was it just dropped? Seems to me like that needs to be tied up better.

I think Andrew should be a bit more of a bad guy. He can be bad, but always nice when he's around Johanna...like a real slime. She thinks he's wonderful, but everyone else thinks he's a jerk.

I don't know.  

Anyway, good work and thank you for reading so much here.

pg   2. what's a 'glad handing sort" ?

What age group are the kids? Little ones or?...

pg   31. I thought that little fight was a bit too juvenile. I first thought it was a flashback...

pg   38.  There's still enough chocolate on the bill to drip even though they have moved on to another location?

I'm on page 47 right now and one of my thoughts is that there are a lot of jumps between places, but even more noticeable is how we move from night and day on almost every page or two.  If you go through this script and only look at DAY and NIGHT you'll see how the days flash by way too fast in this script. At least IMHO.

I'm on page 83 and it seems to me Robert got out of the hospital rather fast. I can't believe they would let an older man who has collapsed twice in a short amount of time and been unconscious for a longer time is just let out that fast...and now he's in a bar listening to Bobby's band?

pg   98.  Not sure what the correct way would be, but that scene heading don't look right.


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seamus19382
Posted: September 28th, 2010, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Pia!  Thanks for the read!  

With all the hrd work that you do on here writing and reviewing and running challenges, it means a lot that you took the time to read mine!

Anyway, I read this today. I thought you did a pretty good job with it.

Thank you!

although I agree with the others that the ending needs fixing. I like Brian's suggestion...

Yeah, it definitely needs work.  And yes, I like Brians suggestion.

One problem for me was that Johanna seemed like a nice woman all concerned about kids and such. I pictured her like a teacher. That was also the reason why I didn't understand why on earth she would be interested in Bobby. I mean, he is a loser... He apparently has let himself go. Looks like crap. Smokes pot (which doesn't make a person bad, I'm just stacking up the minuses), uses coke, drinks like a fish, doesn't have a job, lives with his parents. Do I need to go on? From a woman's pov that just doesn't make sense to pick a guy like that. Even if he says he's going to change. He needs to be a little bit better. At least have a charming personality or something...or she needs to have some flaws, because this doesn't seems believable to me. Maybe it's just me, but that is my opinion.

It's funny. You're the tird person that's mentioned this.  All of them have been women.  I guess us boys are much more willing to believe that women will date losers!    But yeah, this is why the ending doesnt work.  

I was also wondering, in the end, did Robert die? I thought he did, but maybe make that a little bit more clear.

Yes, he does.  

What happened to the "books not pucks" campaign? Was it just dropped? Seems to me like that needs to be tied up better.

It kind of dovetails into the Vote No campaign, but maybe I should try to connect them a little beter.

Anyway, good work and thank you for reading so much here.

Thank you and thank you!.  Like I said, you've done a ton of great work on here.  I learned so much through the script clubs and I'm definitely in for the next 7WC.


What age group are the kids? Little ones or?...

I'm trying to work the kids from the street hockey game into this part.

pg   31. I thought that little fight was a bit too juvenile. I first thought it was a flashback...

That's kind of what I was going for.  These two, Bobby in particular are in a state of arrested development.

pg   38.  There's still enough chocolate on the bill to drip even though they have moved on to another location?

Your the second person to mention this, but I'm caliming dramatic license!

I'm on page 47 right now and one of my thoughts is that there are a lot of jumps between places, but even more noticeable is how we move from night and day on almost every page or two.  If you go through this script and only look at DAY and NIGHT you'll see how the days flash by way too fast in this script. At least IMHO.

INteresting.  I'll have to look at that.

I'm on page 83 and it seems to me Robert got out of the hospital rather fast. I can't believe they would let an older man who has collapsed twice in a short amount of time and been unconscious for a longer time is just let out that fast...and now he's in a bar listening to Bobby's band?

Yeah, I hear you on that.  The idea being that there's really nothingleft they can do for him.  Maybe I should be a bit more explicit with that.

pg   98.  Not sure what the correct way would be, but that scene heading don't look right.[/quote]



Thanks again Pia.  I really apprecate you taking the time.
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