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Hey Michael, sorry that I'm late in returning the reads.
Page 1, try to be more specific than EXT. PHILADELPHIA, I'm guessing it should be something like EXT. BUS STOP instead, and then put TITLE: PHILADELPHIA
Page 2, a good scene, it immediately gives us what's going on in the city.
Page 3, Lisa Ling and Johanna's dialogue should be in V.O. because they're talking from the T.V. It'd also be better if you put in a mini-slug ON TV because right now it seems everyone is at talking at the same location. But maybe that's just me.
Page 3, Chollie said Johanna is Bobby's girlfriend but Johanna kisses Andrew? Then on page 12, Bobby walks past a store where Johanna sits inside, but Bobby doesn't acknowledge her. So does Bobby even know Johanna at all? Please clarify.
Page 15, oh, okay. So there WERE bf-gf. But that still didn't explain why Bobby just walked past Johanna at the store front.
Page 22, pretty good so far with the story and characters. The hockey game on TV was well written. I was hooked and interested.
TO BE CONTINUED...
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
End of page 30, is the scene at Blewzinski House a flashback? The bickering tone of Bobby and Tommy sound like they're kids to me. If so, it's better to state it in the slug.
Page 33, by this time, I really wanted to know what Bobby is trying to do for the rest of the script. There are so many story threads with equal importance that I don't know which one I should focus on: Bobby's career, his relationship with his family, his relationship with Johanna, the Flames losing, the vote against opening a new stadium.
I mean, they are all kinda related to each other. They all stem from our protagonist Bobby, but I think he should focus on one major thing and the others can be the subplot.
For example, focus on how to start his music career all over again and make the romance between him and Johanna the subplot. But I guess this is not what you intended because Bobby doesn't even want to have a job? I don't know.
Page 38, uh......that scene kinda made Bobby quite unlikable, especially telling the stripper to crawl to get that one dollar bill.
Page 39-40, what's going on here? I don't get why Bobby suddenly become so pissed off in the scene? That's like the second scene in a row where his character become unsympathetic. And why did Tommy and Bobby suddenly decide to go to the art center anyway? What's the purpose of that scene?
Page 45 and 47, I am guessing you want to show how the relationship between Bobby and Tommy improves, right? I hope I'm right, or else their conversation just takes up space.
Page 54-55, I don't know why, but I liked the exchange between Bobby and Johanna. Although I think I've seen this type of scene a thousand times before, it works here. They sound quite natural.
TO BE CONTINUED...
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Page 58-62, there seems to be quite a few unnecessary scenes that don't go nowhere: the betting parlor, the George Washington, etc. I'm not too sure I understand the purposes of those scenes.
Page 68, this is where things start to pick up. The pace for the last 15 pages is very, very slow. It was like everything stopped just to look at how Bobby messed up is.
Page 87, so things are getting really good for Bobby now, and I'm happy for him. But somehow I think I missed the turning point where Bobby finally wakes up and be a man. It was almost like a on/off switch where Bobby just knows what to do all of a sudden. And once Bobby man up, it was so successful, not too many speed bumps and complications.
Page 98, a predictable but nice ending.
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Pages: 
Author
Bobby Blewzinski Sings The Blues
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