When We Were Kings by Ross J McNeil - Drama - Thomas Crawford, a once wealthy, properous man finds himself homeless on the streets of NYC. He meets 3 other vagrants and from the threat of violence and suicidal depression he and his new found business associates pull themselves out of the gutter. We find out that money and possessions are not the true American dream but the love of family and friends. 115 pages - doc, format

Ross,

Unfortunately I don't know if you have a good story here; or even a great one. The format and delivery are so far off base I seriously doubt if you'll get many, if any, readers and that's a shame. You've obviously put in a lot of effort.

Please don't be too disapointed. a lot of members on this site started out with a script just like it.

Advice:

Look at some of the scripts on this site, see the way they are formated. Count the action lines 3 - 4 is ok, 9 in your opening sequence doesn't do you any favours.

Apart from reading scripts you're going to need some screen writing software. There are a number free on line. Send your script in in PDF, word just doesn't cut it and once someone goes to open it and word pops up, that's probably how far they will get.

Get hold of some screen writing books, libraries always carry a few and the Sticky section on this site (discussion board) has pointers on which are the best ones.

Don't be afraid to review other's work. It really is a good way to learn and I can promise you that you will get return reads.

Don't get upset with a few negative reviews, there's way too much of this at the moment. Not everybody is going to instantly see you're the next great in the market place. Give it some time.

Once you've done all this, go back and have another look at the script you've sent in. You may find that a few changes are in order and who knows, maybe the next blockbuster to hit the screens is only a short time away.

Best of luck

Malcolm

Thanks for the input Malcome... its always nice to see other peoples reviews... all though i do disagree to a point, I just renamed the script to see if i can get more reviews... "its originally called "the american dream" and it got some amazing write ups... my agent has been contacted by fox searchlight for review and we are all confident an option can be reached within the next month....

I dont know what you mean by format errors no one has mentioned this to me in the industry so far. I know I need to write the voice overs but thats it. Ive spoken to IFP's for sundance and they have read it and not mentioned anything to this effect either... Anyway thanks for the input. The budget put forward by the IFP was between 900-1.2m for sundance so lets hope we can see this on film soon!!!\\

Thanks
Ross

Ross, I hate to be the one to piss on your parade but I lost count on the problems I saw in the first sequence (which was only half a page long).  Big problems!

Your scene header:

INT. A CHURCH IN A WEALTHY SUBURB OF NYC. �- DAY

is way too long and detailed.  Whatever happened to:

INT.  CHURCH - DAY ?

Headers are supposed to be short.  Details like where it is and how nice it is are unnecessary and poor form.  Details are then mentioned in the following description, which you went way overboard.  Try to keep all blocks of info down to three lines at a time.

Your nine-line manifesto:

There is a man and a woman at the alter declaring there vows. The sun is beaming through the church window, making the church glow. The man is THOMAS CRAWFORD, 36, medium build, handsome, dressed impeccably in a tuxedo and extremely happy (smiling). Opposite him is the soon to be Mrs. ELIZABETH CRAWFORD, 30, beautiful, dark hair and dressed in a typical expensive wedding gown. Behind them is the priest and to their right stands the best man ANDREW JACKSON, 35, good looking, athletic build, he is also smiling. As the camera moves back down the aisle, we see the church is full of family and people tearfully happy.

can be better told as:

Handsome and dashing THOMAS CRAWFORD (36) stands at the altar, holding hands with his beautiful bride ELIZABETH (30).  They are flanked by the best man ANDREW (35), the PRIEST (60) and maid of honor CAROLINE (30).

The churched is decorated in fairytale fashion and the scores of ecstatic guests.

I added a maid of honor as you forgot one.


You mention in Thomas' voice over that his father was in attendance--only to die two days later of cancer, but you don't show him.  Seriously?  The brief second that Dad is mentioned is pretty significant.  Show us a half dead Dad.

Your use of (beat) is wrong.  It's meant to show pause before a character talks.  When you want to break up dialogue... use an ellipsis.

The script is very problematic, which makes me wonder about this option.

I strongly recommend that you read some scripts here, instead of dropping off one of yours every other year and waiting for feedback without reciprocation.

Oh, and you shouldn't be posting the same script more than once.



Phil

I'm what looks to be some dozen and a half pages in and I don't know what this is about. Some guy and a gal get married. Later the guy ends up in the gutter and all that goes with it and his ex is a big shot business woman who is now hooked up with new man. Something should be set up long before now. As it is, it's just long winded. I don't see anything new here; it's all cliche. I suspect the rest would be long winded as well.

Quoted from cloroxmartini I'm what looks to be some dozen and a half pages in and I don't know what this is about. Some guy and a gal get married. Later the guy ends up in the gutter and all that goes with it and his ex is a big shot business woman who is now hooked up with new man. Something should be set up long before now. As it is, it's just long winded. I don't see anything new here; it's all cliche. I suspect the rest would be long winded as well.

To be fair to the writer, and I haven't read it, but you said you're a dozen and a half pages in (12+6= Eighteen) and all that's happened is

Guy & Girl married
"LATER" guy ends up poor and in the gutter
His wife is moved on and is now with a new man

All that in 18 pages seems like a lot, to be honest.  The 1st act isn't even over yet.  So not even 20 min in the movie you're expecting everything to be wrapped up basically.  An explosion perhaps?  A hijacked airplane?  

Break the progressions down into 5 page increments and you'll see just how much is actually going on.  When I write a screenplay I make sure that every 10 pages a plot progression is happening and every 5 pages a new arc/element/pinch is introduced.  This is important when you factor in the next page being worth your time.

Ross, have you given your agent any money?

Quoted from Baltis. All that in 18 pages seems like a lot, to be honest.  The 1st act isn't even over yet.  So not even 20 min in the movie you're expecting everything to be wrapped up basically.  An explosion perhaps?  A hijacked airplane?

You don't need to know everything by page eighteen, but you should have a general idea.  But since Ross has commented on only one script in the five years he's been a member of SS--and because he has H-wood people jumping at it--I don't see any reason to continue this thread.


Phil

There is a lot going on in this script. Lots of dialogue. Lots of he goes here, he goes there, she goes here, she goest there. And a lot goes on in my life over the course of time, but it's not very entertaining.

Thanks for all your input, but no one has mentioned this before....... just wondering why, especially as Im pretty far along in the process..... and to the guy that asked if I gave my agent money,,,,, of course I did, $4500, I sold my car and my grandmothers jewelry to raise the money, why was i not supposed to???

I totaly disagree with not much has happened, were only 12 mins of screen time and we've already had a wedding, the main character getting into a homeless fight, a suicide attempt and the homeless guys ex wife living in a mansion, what more do you want in 12 mins

Quoted from rossjmcneil I totaly disagree with not much has happened, were only 12 mins of screen time and we've already had a wedding, the main character getting into a homeless fight, a suicide attempt and the homeless guys ex wife living in a mansion, what more do you want in 12 mins

I don't know how long it will take to establish the spine of this story, like man gets his self worth back by showing his conniving ex wife who is the real business expert, or man down on his luck soon finds out he's an artist, who eventually makes big bucks and become the envy of all those that formerly despised him, or (fill in the blank).

But by MS WORD page 20, none of that happened as far as I can tell.

In simple terms, how long did it take for Louis Winthorp to figure out something was wrong? How long did it take for Billy Valentine to figure out something was right? How long was it before Mortimer and Randolph Duke made a bet?  (Isn't IMDB great?)

$4500.00 isn't the end of the world.  People waste that and then some on ridicules videogames, that have you doing the same thing over and over and over again inside of 6 months.  I'm sure he was joking, as his statement of Grandma's Jewelery would imply.  But 4500 bucks is technically nothing... Then again, you should never have to give your agent anything but 10% after he/she has sold your script or got it optioned for you.

With all that said, I read this script and I wouldn't pay 4500 dollars to represent it or spend 4500 for solicitation on it.  It just wasn't that good.

If he got scammed out of his money, then he got scammed out of his money.  The amount isn't the issue here (though it is a lot).  He hasn't been online since he posted this which means either he was truly screwed out of this money and is embarrassed.  Or he's upset over the reviews he's received and has left the boards.

Either way, he's not an active member of the boards.  It's time to let this thread die.


Phil

Bumping this to point out that the $4,500, grandma's jewelry, sold my kidney (or car as the case may be) bit was blatant sarcasm.

I just saw too many posts wondering about it.