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I think you have a strong premise here. Sure, it's been done before (Losing Isaiah), but it's all in the execution, right? The problem lies in the fact that this screenplay needs some work, but I'm guessing this is a first draft anyway.
I think there are way, way too many pointless scenes, most of them revolving around Chavalle and Evan. We don't need to see every minutiae moment of their day. Most of these scenes don't move the story along in anyway. They could count as character development, but they are really such generic moments (and I mean that in the best possible way) that it would almost do a disservice to your characters to say so.
You skip over HUGE dramatic moments, like Chavalle getting the assault downgraded to misdeamenor, in favor of the dinner party afterwards (what?) How does Sheila come to represent Chavalle? Why you choose to leave the truly important scenes offscreen I don't know.
There are pointless scenes here that may seem important, but really aren't. The whole confrontation between Chavalle and Mrs. Ling, leading to Mrs. Ling's death, had pretty much no effect on the story. It seemed like filler, as it was only mentioned in passing in court (pointless) and by some disgruntled retirees who show up at Evan's door (pointless).
Another thing, there really is no sense of time here. The pacing gives no indication of it, and the mentions in the script only muck it up. One minute Maurice is in jail for a year and a half, the next he's in a courtroom and a fully converted Muslim. There's no way in hell a year and a half passed, I distinctly remember somebody mentioning "three months" as the elapsed time just pages back.
Look at your logline
Quoted Text
After she's falsely accused of a crime a single mother must fight to regain custody of her son, but an uncaring system, the family who wants to adopt him, and an abusive ex-boyfriend stand in her way.
You really need to ask yourself one question. Who and what is the focal point of this story? Is it the relationship between Evan and Chavalle? Or the one proposed in your logline, about the mother fighting to get her son back. Because about 90% of the script is devoted to the former premise, which means you have a completely different movie.
The ending was quite predictable, and I really don't know why you went down the father-goes-berserk road, it's been done to death. I think it would be compelling if you actually lived up to your logline and Chavalle actually has to fight to get Michael back. I found the courtroom scenes very underwhelming. She gets him back so easily, with little to no conflict besides Farouk showing up. Up the stakes.
Despite the meandering, still-life quality of this piece, I still thorougly enjoyed it. Chavalle and Evan have a chemistry that is palpable on the page, and the story is a universal one. The execution, as it stands, is leaving a lot to be desired though. Get rid of a lot of the dead weight, and get to the true heart of the story, and I think you have something here. Studios aren't champing at the bit to produce dramas, so why make your chances that much slimmer?
Overall, a 6.5/10. Solid, but it could be great with a few more drafts.
Thanks for the read. It's clear you spent a lot of time with the script and I appreciate it. Your comments are insightful and thorough.
Maybe too insightful. Painfully so, in fact.
Thinking back, the original "germ" of the story was High School teachers. And I thought it must be strange for teachers in a way. They spend their entire careers, lives in fact, interacting with these kids. Most of whom they never remember. At the end they might end up asking themselves, 'what was it all worth?' and 'did anything I did or taught amount to anything for anybody?'. And in most cases, the answer is probably 'no'.
And that fact, that point of realization, might lead some people to think that they've wasted their lives and efforts. It's kind of depressing in a way. So then I thought, maybe I'll make this character who is experiencing all these feelings, and put him in a situation where he really can make a difference. It's his shot at redemption. And he finds himself in a situation where he can help a lot, and really have a huge influence on this girl's life. And surprisingly, she could have an equally big impact on his life too. Sort of a "Gift of the Magi" type theme.
I probably should have stayed there.
Then everything I've learned about screenwriting kicked in. And I thought, yeah but I need a powerful opening scene, and put your character up a tree and throw rocks at him, and raise the stakes, and save the cat, oh and don't forget to end it with a bang, and and and...
And there it goes. Off the rails. Bye bye. Wave everybody!
And the bitch of it is, I knew it. Saw it the whole time. So yeah, I skipped the courthouse scene because it isn't a procedural (boring!) it's a character study. So what do I end up with? A drama without drama. He helps her. But there aren't any useful obstacles for her to overcome. Need a job? Here it is. Need to go to parenting class? I'll drive you. Need to visit your kid? I'll drive you to that too and make sure you don't mess it up. What does this kid do to help herself besides asking for help? Not much.
So when I read your review, it was like getting caught by a stranger walking out of the shower. Naked! Saw me! Warts laid bare.
At first I was pissed. How did he get through my defenses? My snappy reparte? My religious dedication to coming late and leaving early? My succinct slugs and trimmed-down action desciptions? My brutal culling of adverbs? Not to mention spelling, my God, the spelling.
But upon reflection, I can see that you were only pointing out what would be obvious to a "better" reader. (Said readers being in short supply in both real and cyber life.)
So I'll close the way I started which is simply to say, thanks for the read. I'll try to be more impressive next time.
Your comments welcome on: GOD GETS FIRED. Comedy, 89 pages. Humans are such a failure that God loses his job. Worse, his ex-wife is appointed to oversee Earth’s destruction. Luckily, God has a plan…but it’s not about saving us. It’s about winning her back.