Hi Kevin
Let me first say that I am a rank amateur at this screenwriting thing, so please take the following merely as one person's subjective, but honest, reaction....
I admire your effort, but you lost me by around page 21. The big reason was believability. I had trouble believing a lot of what you wrote, and as a result I started expecting flaws and questioning details that I would otherwise accept.
For example, I don't know if people with no teacher training can teach high school in the US, but I doubted that Melissa with her MA could go straight into such a job.
The specific points that cumulatively made me put your screenplay down:
- I didn't think Melissa and John would be graduating together if he was in a law program and she was doing a master's in literature. (I also can't imagine them studying together very often in the library.) - John passed the BAR exam before graduating from law school? - Isn't English 101 a college-level course? - John gets a $60,000 bonus and talk of partnership so soon? - It's common knowledge why Juliet's parents don't like Romeo (wrong family). - Romeo is not an anagram for "Rome" (nor Juliet for "Jewish"). - I don't believe anybody with an MA in lit would suggest that Juliet is Jewish.
My impression is that these details and this story just kind of flowed out of your head. A lot of it reads like a high school student's dream life, with the fast-track careers, jet-set vacations, etc.
I hope this helps you in your efforts to improve as a screenwriter. I don't know if others have the same issue with the believability of your story, but I suspect they would.
Respectfully, khed |