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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Evolution of the Fallen Moderators: bert
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  Author    Evolution of the Fallen  (currently 1588 views)
Don
Posted: July 8th, 2011, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Evolution of the Fallen by mj goodnow - Drama, Psychology - Four teens, four illnesses, one amazing group of teens… 118 pages - pdf, format


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afterhours85
Posted: July 12th, 2011, 1:04am Report to Moderator
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sounds like you delved into something personal for this...it was well written and the characters were very real to me
good job
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mjgoodnow
Posted: July 15th, 2011, 2:29am Report to Moderator
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Thank you, I appreciate your input.
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Trojan
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Quoted from mjgoodnow
Thank you, I appreciate your input.


Ok so it appears that you just wrote the story, and not the actual screenplay, is that correct? If so, I'd suggest getting yourself a different screenwriter as this is just awful. So many mistakes on the first page that I can't imagine anyone would read this all the way through. I scanned through and saw this description, 'In one of the back seats sits MICHAEL STEVENSON, a tall, lanky 17 year-old who appears to be a hardened veteran of the state juvenile mental health system.'

How in the world would anybody think that just from seeing him on screen?

The scene headers are all wrong, camera desciptions all over the place and huge blocks of text with unfilmables and over-description in every sentence. Take a look at the very first paragraph. All we really see on screen is 'Trees line the streets. Residents are outside working in their gardens.' I've said in 11 words what it has taken you 54 to do so. The visuals on screen will be exactly the same. I'm not saying you can't have detail in your script, but so much pointless description becomes irritating and slows down  the read. If it's not relevant, take it out.

Sorry to be harsh, but this needs a serious rewrite to bring it up to scratch.

Cheers,
Tim.

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Dreamscale
Posted: July 15th, 2011, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah...wow, Tim's dead on.

The writing of this script is atrocious.  The level of detail, camera direction, asides, unfilmables, tons of transitions, "CONTINUED" on the top and bottom of every page, and HUGE blocks of prose and dialogue, all make this pretty much unreadable.

It's shocking someone said it's well written, cause it's definitely not, sorry to say.

You've got a 118 page script here, but that's so far from accurate.  The action/description lines are way overwritten, so I'm sure you could easily cut out 5-10 pages right off the bat.  Using "CONTINUED" on the top and bottom of each page is wasting literally 4 pages!

This rally needs immediate attention.  Sorry to be harsh, but trying to keep it real.

Good luck here.
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mjgoodnow
Posted: July 16th, 2011, 11:35am Report to Moderator
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Well, I didn't write the screenplay. Someone else did, I'll pass along everyones feedback.
Thank you...I am just the author of the book...
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NW3
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Hello mjgoodnow (Michael?),

Before you get chased off with rocks it might help to know some of the specific problems with your script. I think "atrocious" is a bit dramatic.

The main problem seems to be that your writing partner's style is to run action description as a single paragraph, and that's not what readers want or expect. Try to break it into smaller paragraphs of three or four lines with plenty of white space and variety to make it easier to read.

The use of CONTINUED is a non-issue because it's easy to ignore and removal will save literally no space since the ones at the top share the line with the page number, and the bottom of every page is justified to the correct distance where the following paragraph allows it. That's a function of your screenwriting software. You might save a page or two by removing transitions (CUT TO:/DISSOLVE TO) but again that is a minor matter. I noticed only two camera directions and neither of those are the end of the world.

What should worry you is that even at a glance your reviewers have a strong dislike, and it's mostly down to the thick paragraph blocks. You might not know what to do about that, so I hope this is constructive. (Although you are 'just' the author of the book the title page of the script has your name on it. You will have to take some responsibility.)

I took a look at EVOLUTION OF THE FALLEN when it was posted even though it had two strikes against before the first page: that impenetrable title and the unprepossessing tagline. Who wants to read about teenagers and their illnesses? It would help if you told us what to expect from the story rather than using "amazing" as the only hook. Who are these four people and what are they about to do for each other? Why should we care?

As well as the obvious problem, I knew I had read enough by the top of page three when a row of exclamations is added to a simple remark. I did get a chuckle when Beth suggested they de-brief in the dining room.

If I understand, this is a screenplay adapted from your book? As others have said, a screenplay is not a book and you need to describe only what a viewer would see up there on the screen, and write words that an actor will say for those viewers to hear. No thoughts, feelings, background or explanations.

To illustrate, on page 2 you have Michael in the shower hearing a deep, bass voice:

               SATANIC VOICE (OC)
          God reviles the fallen!


'OC' means off camera (more usually seen in TV scripts - in a film script OS for off screen is preferred). Either case would mean that the owner of the Satanic voice is present in the shower but not seen; he might step forward in a moment to hand Michael a towel. Because this is adapted from a book the tendency for this and many other things is to describe internal thoughts for the reader, so you relate that the voice is "In his mind" and probably don't see how confusion might arise. What you want there is VO for voice over, and then you won't have to tell us the voice is in his mind, it will be evident.

Next scene we get a block of description that might be useful in a book but is redundant in a script where we need to know only what is to be shown on screen. A faded house on a tree-lined street. If you think the reader needs additional information you will want the moviegoer to have it too. "What's that?" someone will ask. "New Hope House. It's a residential treatment facility for troubled teens." Since this is not the kind of thing anybody would say - except in a clunky script - you should quickly realise what to leave out. The scene shows a van pulling up to the faded house (the color of its peeling paint is extraneous detail). A gray-haired woman greets them. "Welcome to New Hope House. You can call me Beth, I'm resident director." Now take us into the house and introduce the troubled teens as they are required by your story.

Earth Mother is a proper noun. Is that how it is written in your book? I don't think you can pass all the responsibility along to Shannon.

One or both of you have let the writing get in the way of telling a story. One scene begins with an over-long sentence: "BETH directs MICHAEL and MARGUERITE into the dining room, which contains only an old, scratched wooden dining table and several dining chairs, none of which seem to match any of the others" which could be replaced by:

  INT. DINING ROOM - DAY

  A wooden table with mismatched chairs.  Michael slouches in.


Again there is that fatal error where we are told Michael is wondering whether anyone from the GRTF is living there. You already know what your story is about but all we have is a sullen teenage boy being shown a dining room. He will actually have to say those words: "I see a lot of GRTF stuff around. Is there anybody else from the facility here?" or you must think of some way to show us what are his thoughts and feelings.

I'll stop commenting about the form and deal a little with the story.

[SPOILERS]

From the first scene you mention older residents with disdainful looks, so the reader might suppose the story is to be one of conflict between them and the houseful of teens, but none of the residents are mentioned again, except as onlookers whenever the cops arrive. In the van you introduce Marguerite, with particular reference to her manner of dress; her only importance is as the wife of Ted, who she brings into the kids' lives to change everything somewhere towards the end of the script. The story is about Michael, so start with him there in the back seat, zoned out and brought back to reality by the voice of the woman in the front seat. Nobody should care whether the driver is numb to his job.

For the flashback hallucination, either do much more or drop this scene and the whole idea entirely. With early mention of a Satanic voice you seem to set up something like THE OMEN but apart from brief mentions the voices in Michael's head have no influence at all.

You need some fast shorthand signifier to let us see Michael the way you intend. Here is a hardened veteran of the state juvenile mental health system. Is he Billy the Kid, Baby Face Nelson or a young Robin Hood? He might be a sordid pedlar of crack for all we know. There is the scene where Marguerite fills Beth in, so here is your chance to do the same for your audience.

You give Michael the option of sitting in on the debriefing session, and even mention the other teens hanging on the porch, so the reader will be agitated wondering if there is something more interesting elsewhere while Michael pretends to busy himself studying the woodwork of the room.

I would expect the things said in front of him to be different to more candid revelations if you did absent him from the scene. I would certainly anticipate the news of hallucinations to affect the story, so give that more prominence, as the final words in the scene: "No, ma'am. No hallucinations at all."

Dialogue needs to be stronger. There are long blocks of exposition that prove taxing even for the two of you to write ("...you'll travel back to the hospital once a month to see your psychiatrist once a month on an outpatient basis.") There is important information there on page 6 but I'm lost in all those words to find it. Did she say she was there for some of the time on Saturdays or none of the time? When does the extra staff arrive? What times was it he goes to the hospital, and does any of this mean there is a prison break in the planning? Of course not, almost none of it matters. All we need to know is that Michael is one of only four residents. We might expect these to be the amazing teenagers mentioned in the tagline, so now is the time to go meet them, perhaps one at a time.

Beth says, "Let's go meet the others and, after that, we'll haul your stuff up to your room." See the problem? I am left wondering who exactly will haul the stuff up to his room and why it takes more than one of them. How much stuff does he have anyway, I thought most of it was in patient storage? I wonder what sort of room he has been given, and who used to live in it. 'Up' sounds interesting, I bet it's an old spooky attic... Oh, yeah, I nearly forgot, there were some folks to meet first. Beth only has to say, "Let's go meet the others" and the stenciled duffel bag can be where the driver left it, out in the hall.

You need a more engaging way of telling your story. Everything is laid out in a monotone. As Jon first meets Michael he says, "I remember you. From the cafeteria at Glendale. You were in 2C, right?" and Michael flatly replies, "Yeah, you were on 2B." It's information you want us to have but it's leaden. If the boys only nod and say, "2C?" with the affirmative recognition "2B" it is as if they are speaking in code which becomes clear a little further into the story when we learn they met at Glendale.

As a further example, Jon wonders how the new resident remembers him, and Michael grins and says, "Last January." That's great, we are intrigued, and might expect to find out what is behind that remark in the course of the story, but you trample on through with the full tale of the raid on the pantry. Ah, he's fat because he's greedy.

Instead of playing footsie with Stephanie resiliently ignoring him, you might have Jon whisper sweet nothings (or highly suggestible somethings) to the object of his desire as he sits beside her on the Davenport. It would seem curious that she continues to ignore him, yet you would say everything you need to about character, and give the audience an unexpected reveal when Beth begins using sign language to illustrate that Stephanie is deaf, rather than telling us that when she is first introduced.

p8  "She's what some people call a deaf mute." I get the feeling we're in for a lecture here but it takes until page 24 before you inform us the preferred term is 'hearing impaired'. As Sam Goldwyn was reputed to have said: "Pictures are for entertainment, messages should be delivered by Western Union."

Stephanie turns out doe-eyed and cheerful from the moment Michael is introduced. How about if she was guarded and withdrawn, not ready to let this complete stranger into her world until he has proved himself? We are told that Michael will need to learn sign language to communicate, so straight away here is an opportunity for the selfish young waster to begin to show regard for other people, as he determines to master the task and so become a better person. At least, I'm guessing that is the object of all this because it is impossible to ignore the earnest worthiness of the script.

Remember, you haven't given us a reason to get on board with any of these kids yet. The best thing for society might be to lock them up and throw away the key.

p10  A triple question mark in one speech is followed by a double interrabang in the next. A script is not a book, and it's also not a comic book.

p12  "nerOCus laughter"? Oh, I get it - one of you decided to replace all the VO's with 'OC'. Sweet. Never a thought about divorce, favorably, favorite, voltage, volume, vodka, involved... I'm wondering how you expect anybody to read your work when you haven't bothered to read it yourself? In addition, every instance of VOICE has become capitalized, in the same way all character names are any time they are used, presumably because of its role in SATANIC VOICE. In action description you only need a name in capitals when a character is introduced. Yet another thing that makes this difficult to read.

With many concerns over your writing already, I had severe misgivings at the mention of poetry. Sure enough you give us some, every bit as dreadful as I feared ("How can he see my love? See my love through all his pain?") Literary criticism is subjective so I can't say that my judgement is more valid than Michael who declares it "beautiful" although as Stephanie beams with pride I would certainly question his objectivity.

This is by the by yet I'm still waiting for one of these teens to do something "amazing".

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NW3  -  July 20th, 2011, 6:44am
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pp21-22  If you are leaving Shannon to turn your literary work into the form of a screenplay she is completely out of her depth here. The tendency has been to place all description within a single paragraph, however long, and at this point that system breaks down. There are several locations culminating in a dramatic confrontation in a bedroom, that is entirely listed under the scene heading EXT. NEW HOPE HOUSE. With tense shifts and internal thoughts, it's a mess. Break it down into chunks of action, with a separate scene heading when the location is changed, and trim sentences to essentials. It becomes much easier to read, and also more interesting.


  EXT. NEW HOPE HOUSE - DAY

  Beth drops a sack of laundry at the door and juggles
  groceries as she fumbles with the keys.

  INT. NEW HOPE HOUSE, HALL - DAY

  Beth sets the groceries on a table and listens at the
  kitchen door.

  INT. NEW HOPE HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY

  A video game is paused on tv.  Beth glances in.

  INT. NEW HOPE HOUSE, HALL - DAY

  From the bottom of the stairs, Beth hears MUFFLED SHOUTING
  somewhere above. She rushes up to the

  SECOND-FLOOR LANDING

  and hears footsteps joining her below.  Beth runs to the

  THIRD-FLOOR LANDING

  where the voices are louder, angry and agitated.

  INT. STEPHANIE’S ROOM - DAY

  JAKE, a hulking twentysomething part-timer, is doing most of
  the yelling, his back to the door.  Stuffed animals are
  scattered everywhere, pillows on the floor.  

  A bed is pulled off the wall.  A small form with a tangle of
  blonde hair lies on it, nearly covered.


p23  Jake claims to have forgotten Stephanie is "the deaf one." What is the turnover of troubled kids at the mansion (since there are now only four) that this comes as an afterthought? I'll accept that Jake is not exactly quick-witted but deafness is her defining characteristic.

p24  A block of dialogue is attributed to a character called LATER. I'm going to guess you've let screenwriting software take over the hard work, and this is why you shouldn't.

p26  Stephanie and Michael are sitting together "straining to listen to the argument". Are you sure?

Sara is "horribly traumatized"; self harming; has "abuse issues"; dissociates easily... I don't know if you have personal knowledge or connection with these issues but as a writer you can't simply expect your reader to jump on board. For all you know they might believe that what the insufferable madam needs is a good shake to pull herself together. You have to work harder.

When did Michael become such an expert at signing? Leaving aside the implausibility, what will the audience do for the length of time it takes him and Stephanie to exchange their long sentences in nimble-fingered gesticulation? Do you envision subtitles? The bond between them would be better unspoken. The audience will be able to understand such things as "I had a seizure, I'm sorry" from the circumstance and the look in her eyes. If Michael manages a clumsy "OK" using ASL it is enough.

p27  Seriously, guys, lose every single exclamation. Use only for Stop! or Fire! and perhaps not even then. Let the words speak for themselves.

As Jake receives the dressing down, I'm trying to remember what was the name of the male member of staff that seemed to trouble Sara. Jason? Jerry. Not Jake who we have met but this other guy, Jerry, who we haven't. Jake, Jerry, Jason, Jon...? I think I'm forming dissociative issues as well.

A bit of nitpicking here: iPod not I-pod.

p29  How long have the others been at the house? Would they have a goal-setting/problem-solving group meeting every single night at which to state their life goals? How would these change from day to day, or even month to month? If you just want them to have a regular group meeting, make it a rule that they must gather simply to discuss achievements of the day. If you have knowledge of a care home and they do things this way, I'm shaking my head at the world we are in.

Michael wants to major in music education. That really does come out of the blue.

"The older officer is one BETH knows well. It is RICK, her ex-husband and the Chief of Police in Glendale." There are few enough events of interest, you are giving away the gold, and remember that the audience see nothing more than a cop up there on screen. Beth might rush in and start needling: "Well, well, the Chief of Police is honoring us with his presence." Aside from the useful - and logical - piece of exposition, we might wonder at her attitude, so that little by little through his response we see that there is (or was) something more between them than a professional relationship. It isn't enough to relate that Rick doesn't approve of New Hope House, you must take the advice you've been given and show it somehow. "When are they gonna come to their senses and close this place down." Small town minds and attitudes. In the event, you don't take this relationship anywhere.

p33  Sara takes a deep breath as she prepares to give her life story. I'm taking a breath as well. I don't know what your experience is of kids in care but my own is that they are not all diamonds in the rough and victims of circumstance. Some of them are just plain sh!ts and unrepentant about it. As Sara intones her tale of woe, I'm not feeling empathy or compassion like those in her group, only dismay at the hackneyed portrayal of such wooden characters.

p35  If I can take stock here, about a third of the way through. Michael has arrived at a home for troubled kids, but in fact seems a very well adjusted young man. Polite, diligent, a good friend to those who need him, even those he has just met. Hearing impaired Stephanie suffers fits, which is more of a medical thing than a consequence of a troubled background. Jon needs to eat less. Sara is a self harming victim of child abuse who is about to be left in the care of a man called Jerry on Saturday night.

p37  "She’s in status epilepticus. That’s when you go into a seizure but don’t come out of it on your own." More than ever I'm seeing this as an earnest personal project addressing important issues, etc., etc. This kind of information delivered in an expository fashion is a lead weight that will sink your efforts down. There is a slight case to be made for Beth filling in new arrival Michael with the warning of what might happen if Stephanie goes into this kind of seizure, so that there is real urgency as she gets the phone call from Jerry. Coming this way, we are sat there passive as the rest of the cast, letting the paramedics sort it out.

p38  I had forgotten that Michael is supposed to be battling demons when he hears the voice in his head. Of all the things that need explaining, we could do with something on 'The Fallen'.

It seems to have been forgotten that Jon had a crush on silent Stephanie. Michael has fallen for her in a big way, yet there is no suggestion of any conflict between them. In fact there is little or no conflict in the story. Everyone is fighting their personal battles. What's it all about?

p40  You do that thing yet again where you tell us what we might need to know: MARK is a thirtysomething/fortysomething man who is MICHAEL’S therapist from GRTF. "Hi," he says. "I'm here to see Michael. I'm his therapist...from GRTF." It's terrible writing.

The events on page 45 were the limit of my patience. You have to lay the groundwork for this sort of thing.

p57  Literally halfway through the script and we learn for the first time that Michael plays electric guitar, and also that Sara plays acoustic. And of course Jon is a mean drummer. Now, if only Stephanie could sing... No, no need: she plays cello. Since "each and every one of them is very talented in music" put this up front. Put it in your logline, make the title a musical reference  - if music is the amazing thing you had in mind? "Four teens, one amazing group."

Just back on the format thing. Page 61 has a big paragraph block of the gang clearing out the basement. This is a prime candidate for MONTAGE if you get Shannon to google that with '+screenplay'.

One thing you can fix yourself is to comb through and change everything to present tense. "There was something they recognized" becomes something they recognize right now. It's difficult and distracting to read the way you have it. Sometimes there is a tense shift in the middle of a sentence: "STEPHANIE watches for a minute and then began to play along."

p66  There is a very long paragraph where Stephanie explains her musical prowess, all presumably in sign language. I really think you have no thought for how this will look if it is on screen and we wait as she gestures 100 words. You might just get away with it if Sara is her constant companion, and gives us all a potted digest whenever Stephanie starts gesticulating. At some point, Michael can take over the translation role to show how he is growing close.

p68  Putting that poetry into a song doesn't make it any less painful: "I’d kill to see your eyes...my rage-filled tears washed you away." A regular Gene Simmons? He should wish.

It all seems pat and artificial. Perhaps if Michael, as the newcomer to the house, struggles to fit in at first. The others can be more wary or even unfriendly, for instance Jon not liking competition for Stephanie, and Sara nervous around strange men. You might have Michael clutch his precious Warlock tight from the moment he entered New Hope House, so that where music is his refuge it gradually draws the others in too, and it is his idea to turn the basement into the music room and begin the music therapy. The way you have it, I wonder why Beth didn't dream up the plan years before; they each have instruments tucked away.

p70  As the band pitch names, there is a chance for you to make sense of that title. 'The Fallen' would be good. Now Michael gets to work out those demons.

p73  Not for the first time or the last, action description has been included as dialogue. You have to read everything carefully and weed out things such as this or how can anybody think you are serious about your work?

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p78  Two-thirds gone and it's time to take stock again. I'm not liking any of these kids at all and think fresh air and exercise would do more for them than rock music and meds yet I'll go along with the idea that music is the great healer. I think you might have something if you can set up the plot to this point in perhaps twenty pages, and then Ted arrives to get them into shape and that's your story from there. I wouldn't have the overly-dramatic interlude with Jake raping Sara, or else have it as merely a molestation of some sort, to underline that even in the cosy household there is peril in store. It's not as if this is the only bad thing that ever happened to her, and her life is not even changed by it. Make the threat of closure more pressing so that something is at stake for them all. Music is the thing that will save them, and Michael will put more into his new life than he gets out. Perhaps the first test can be a concert in front of all those disapproving neighbors, and if something goes wrong (jealous Jon storms off stage) they must fight to overcome even greater hostility. You have almost nothing of importance so far apart from the rape, which is promptly forgotten until the end.

pp79-82  The activity in the recording studio seemed unrealistic to me. Ted is thought to be something on Wall Street but is in fact the owner of a studio. Fair enough. He must have seen every kind of group come and go, yet when he is taken to a debut performance by his wife's colleague's proteges noodling in a basement he decides to put them straight to recording? The most he might do would be to hire a rehearsal room to see if they hang together and can play a whole song before embarking on expensive studio time with no promise of finished product. I guess things really do happen differently in movies, and here they effortlessly cut a hit disc.

p84  Make a start on pruning dialogue with every signed speech by Stephanie. "I’m holding everyone back, aren’t I? Everyone knows I’m the most nervous about playing in public. I feel embarrassed to be the one holding everyone back. Maybe you need to play without me" becomes "I’m holding you back.  I’m nervous.  Play without me." Michael only needs to sign, "No" as he takes her hand to shut her up.

p86  "NOTE SONG LYRICS TO COME". I certainly will.

p89  Every character so far has conformed to a stereotype, so it's no surprise when Stephanie's 'high-maintenance' mother shows up to disapprove of her daughter's musical taste. "That’s not music!!! That’s just noise for drugged-out teenagers to fornicate to!" It's as if DIRTY DANCING never happened.

p90  What would cause almost morbidly obese Jon to suddenly resolve to go jogging? It comes out of the blue and Michael (gently) mocks him but this is a true turning point. There have been minor hints, in refusing another sandwich or drinking diet cola, but there otherwise seems no good reason. Since they have just played their first gig, and even had fans asking for autographs, the catalyst might be a pretty girl boosting his low self esteem.

I'm not making any fresh suggestions here, you already have the component parts, they are just not very well defined and perhaps that's what you intend.

If I was making suggestions, I'd like Ted to be more involved with the band at their formation, perhaps even as a New Hope House employee. He has faith in their ability and side by side with Michael makes persistent attempts to get gigs and recording time, facing inevitable knockbacks. The way you have it, it seems fairly effortless, from jamming to recording to getting gigs to radio airplay. Fans are clamoring for more and they haven't even got a record out. Make it an all-or-nothing last ditch effort when Ted goes to see "best in the business" Rich Marks in Manhattan. The industry mogul perhaps owes Beth a favor from when they were at college. Maybe even this isn't their big break, but he does give them just one chance to impress. Of course, it all depends how that court case turns out... The way you have it, these two are old buddies last seen playing golf with Billy Joel, who promptly toast the new discovery with champagne. Yawn.

Don't forget the music industry has seen seismic change since MMVIII when you wrote this. The band can record their hit record on a laptop in the basement; a quirky video on YouTube and a decent Facebook campaign could be all that they need to set iTunes on fire, and they won't have to schlep into New York and play dives the way it used to be.

p107  The group are excited to hear their record on the radio, and I guess every band would think it was the greatest moment of their career to hear their debut record for the first time, but sadly that will not be the case for Stephanie, signing away in the car. She might only wonder why everyone is pointing and staring at that plastic box with knobs and dials in the center of the dashboard.

p110  Jake's rape trial. The only surprise would be if he was acquitted. Even in Connecticut there is a period between court pleading and sentencing; the judge cannot just make a sentence up on the spot, there will be pre-sentence reports to consider, etc. Spend time learning about things such as this so that your script is grounded in realism, unless you just want to retread tired movie cliches.

p112  On the other hand just because it is a movie you will need the obligatory courtroom drama, and there is the perfect opportunity where Jon's mother has the chance to scupper her son's big break. Yet halfway down the page you let Anton tell us what the trap will be, and in another page or so she duly walks into it. Make it so that evil Mom's scheme is going well, leaving the band dismayed. Anton has played all his cards and come up with a busted flush. Now Beth has the brainwave and whispers the ace. Cheers all round and the judge can bang his gavel to dismiss the claim. Instead of having everybody's parents at varying degrees of consent, make this the one single roadblock now spectacularly cleared. Again, it's what you probably intend but I didn't get that. For maximum effect the courtroom rival should be Michael's mom.

p114  Morally - apart from the matter of consent - in what way is it different for 'cougars' to mob teenage boys and for Jake to take advantage of Sara?

p115  As Steve and Barry find out to their surprise, I expect a band formed out of a mental institution would go down a treat with Emo/Goth fans. It does sort of negate the premise of the script, which is that these kids are having to fight against prejudice and contempt. I think the final goal should be a bit more personal, realistic and achievable than playing Madison Square Gardens.

Well, I made it through the second time, but nothing changed my first impression. It seems to me that with the change in direction from the middle of the script you don't really know what you want your story to be: a plea for tolerance and understanding for those teenagers with mental health or abuse problems, or a straight ahead tale of triumph under adversity for a young movie crowd to get behind and holler all the way. Either way, it didn't work for me.

All credit for having a full length script to post here for review, but sorry, Michael, I didn't think much of the story and honestly cannot believe this is already a book. If you tell me it has been written but not published then it suddenly makes sense.

The best recommendation I can make is to work on the story more, especially in the relationships between the four teenagers. Each of them needs to achieve something through the course of the story that culminates in a common goal. A fund-raiser for the home or some special award or recognition, so that they can give something back instead of having attention lavished on them just for being alive. It would be good to have an opposing force such as Police Chief Rick, or doughty city elders, or the head of the cash-strapped mental health service working against them for whatever reason but defeated or won over at the end.

Even if you like your story just the way it is, one thing you must pay attention to is the form. Nobody so far (except afterhours85 who more or less abstained) has anything good to say about that. The opening words are enough of a turn off: "AERIAL WS..." Take a look at some of the hundreds of produced screenplays on the Movie Scripts page of this site, or buy a screenwriting book. Forget laying out a screenplay until you know what you are doing, and get back to working on the story.

Good luck.
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