Brett,

Thanks again for the notes, my man.  I'm actually in the middle of a rewrite right now as I've got a producer interested in it.  But I'll definitely consider and apply some of your ideas as well as those of the other reviewers.

And give me a nudge when the new CW goes up.

Ryan

Ryan,

I know the "visceral cut" philosophy will serve you well here.
However you choose to get it on the page.

It's not just my honor to help a contributing SS member.
I'm also pleased to lend an opinion to one of Babz's clients.

The new CW draft MUST be done by month's end.
I'm pitching it to 40 feature film production companies in nine days.

Let's do drinks after that event.
Give em hell.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Ryan1 Brett, Thanks again for the notes, my man.  I'm actually in the middle of a rewrite right now as I've got a producer interested in it.  But I'll definitely consider and apply some of your ideas as well as those of the other reviewers. And give me a nudge when the new CW goes up. Ryan

Hey Ryan,

Thanks for the extensive notes on CW.
I'm catching up on comments over there.

How's the new draft of WtL coming along?

*whistles innocently while he shamelessly plugs a thread he wants to see get reads*

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Hey Ryan, Thanks for the extensive notes on CW. I'm catching up on comments over there. How's the new draft of WtL coming along? *whistles innocently while he shamelessly plugs a thread he wants to see get reads* Regards, E.D.

It's coming along, and the new draft I think does a much better job of defining Will's character.  It's gone from a potenital MOW to a script with a more spiritual point of view.  So, I actually entered it in the Kairos comptetition.  We'll see how it does.

Quoted from Ryan1 It's coming along, and the new draft I think does a much better job of defining Will's character.  It's gone from a potenital MOW to a script with a more spiritual point of view.  So, I actually entered it in the Kairos comptetition.  We'll see how it does.

Ryan,

Good on you for entering a contest. Get yourself out there!
I'm reading Shawn's entry right now from 2010.
Poke me when the new draft of this is available.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Ryan,

I promised you a read on this awhile back, but as per usual, stuff gets in the way. Here's my review of the first 30 pages, more to follow.

The opening is pretty solid. You introduce the characters and we're straight into the world Will inhabits, there's a nice hook/cliff hanger and we're left wanting more. Nice.

Nit picky stuff. The dialouge between Jim and Will is a bit too casual for guys and certainly guys guarding a checkpoint in Iraq, it's a high stress situation.

JIM
Hey. Thinking about asking Sara to
marry me.

WILL
Really? Do it, man. Gettin’
hitched was the best move I ever
made.

Something along the lines of this, sounds more like how a conversation about popping the question would go:

JIM
Thinking of putting a rock on Sara's finger.

Will
Went one better, put two rocks in Cassie's hand.

It's some light relief in a tense environment and is kind of along the lines things guys say to one another.

Will makes a big blunder when he sprays the car with a shower of .223s, but I think given his training he would at least try and stop it before opening fire.

Page 9 - The 2003 Honda, not so sure I'd necessarily call it 'old', that's relative. Maybe just a well maintained 2003 Honda Accord, the year says the rest already.

Page 12 - Having the experience of rolling a car several times and having the roof crushed, I can say that accidents happen in a split second and at the very last millisecond. Will has way too much time to react. He doesn't even beep his horn, just talks to himself, not really how you'd expect a combat veteran to react. That collision should happen instantly. We know Raines is drunk, it creates tension, but Will doesn't.

The crash itself, I'm not so sure about. A car cartwheeling like that would suggest Will was travelling pretty quick (why don't we see a shot of the speedo?) and he would in all probability have whiplash at the least or a broken neck. The real danger in a crash like that is being impaled by trees or branches (all WRC rally cars have mesh windows to prevent this from happening)

You have created a a nice set up here a sense of urgency and a situation that makes us want to root for Will.

Page 16. 'Will takes a piece of broken glass and slices through the air
bag.' Glass in cars is of the tempered safety variety, it cracks in tiny dull cubes.

Another little twist that kicks things up a notch, they all think he took sixy one.

Up to Page 30. Very interesting so far.

Page 33 - is eyeshine a typo?

Page 37 - 'He stares the bag for a few seconds, then shakes his head and
lays it on the passenger seat.'   stares at

Page 43 - The tire and the hook. From the start, there was a good reason for all the items pointed out in the car. Would the wire in a clothes hanger be stiff enough to pull a spare wheel, I'm guessing yes, if was done right and the tire was positioned favourably. Should this be an oppurtunity for Will to show some ingenuity, other than blind determination?

I'm not entirely sure what exactly is trapping Wills leg, the dash is plastic, but it seems to be metal that is trapping his leg from somweher below the knee to the ankle, yet he is able to stand up and get his shoulder out of the sunroof, which doesn't seem plausible if he's pinned like that, I think.

Page 58 - Nice response to pain leaving the body.

WILL
Yeah, that’s bullshit.

Poor Will, he makes it to the top of the road, looses his footing and plummets to the bottom of the ravine only to be gorged by a wild boar. Give the guy a break! Dark night of the soul eat your heart out

The tension between Jennifer, Jim and Cassie is nicely brought to a climax and a resolution and you effectively cut to Will dreaming at the bottow of the ravine where the horror of his torment is shown. The one question I have is, why did Will cheat on Cassie. I understand his guilt and his drinking and the impact that had on their marriage, but I don't understand why he cheated on her?

I like that Robert repents for his part in the accident. Even though he's a relatively minor character, he undergoes change and is also complex.

All in all a nice story Ryan.

Eion,

Yeah, I put Will through the wringer, didn't I?  Haha, couldn't make it too easy on him.  

Thanks for the review.  In reference to some of your notes:

With the accident that sends Will into the ravine, it's true that accidents do happen in the blink of an eye, but I wanted to stretch that tension as far as I could.  It wasn't really a collision, but Will's avoidance of one.  His reactions prevent the head on crash, but also send him hurtling into the darkness.  I wanted to capture those split seconds of terror.  

I struggled a bit with how to describe how Will's right leg was pinned.  I got the idea for this story from a woman who actually went through a similar situation, with her lower leg trapped in the wreckage.  The way I pictured it, everything below Will's right knee is trapped between the center console and the wrecked, compressed dashboard.     I was trying to come up with more technical terminology, but I had trouble finding the exact words I wanted.

But yes, it is possible to raise one's head through the sunroof with your right leg trapped.  I tested this theory myself when writing this.  Push up with your left leg and use your hands to pull your head free.  I also figured the roof would be bashed down a couple inches, too, to allow the shoulders to get through.

Yep, eyeshine is a real word and refers to when animals eyes reflect light at night.

As I mentioned, there is a new version of this, which is the one I actually submitted to the Kairos contest.  It goes deeper into Robert's character and his struggles with his own demons.

And it also delves deeper into Will's spiritual journey, questioning God and then finally asking for his help.

Again, thanks for the read and hopefully we get to see The Cure here soon enough.

Ryan

Maybe the words you need are foot well and transmission tunnel. Best of luck in the competition.