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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Will To Live Moderators: bert
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  Author    Will To Live  (currently 3672 views)
Don
Posted: September 15th, 2011, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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Will To Live by Ryan Lee (ryan1) - Drama - Racing to the hospital to witness the birth of his first child, a decorated war hero finds himself trapped within the wreckage of his car at the bottom of an isolated ravine. Against impossible odds, he must use every ounce of his bravery and training to survive. 87 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 3rd, 2011, 2:29pm
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Ryan1
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Kev,

Thanks for the quick look.  I applied some of your notes to this, as you could tell.  Yes, admittedly Will is not the most original lead, as far as the emotionally wounded war hero, but I think that's one of those archetypes that offers a lot of exploration.  

I wrote this specifically with a TV movie in mind, with an eye on low budget.  It's definitely not high concept.  Instead of concentrating on only the torturous ordeal that Will goes through, I also wanted to add the perspectives of his wife and friends and how the situation affects them.  Babz and I thought this would be more fitting as a Lifetime or Hallmark type of movie.

Thanks again for the read.

Ryan
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leitskev
Posted: September 15th, 2011, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ryan

Only had time for a quick review. Straight to the few notes I made.

"But I failed you.  As a husband, as
a partner.  I know I’m not the same
man you married.  Things happened
in Iraq.  Things I could never
bring myself to share with you.  I
allowed it to destroy me, but I
want you to know I never stopped
loving you. "

--a little expository; we already know Iraq changed him, so not needed. So could shorten this a lot. The audience knows the rest either because they've been told, or because it's implied.

--TV story was a little longish

--I like the new back story, at least I think it's new. I think some will say it's cliche, the whole idea that someone goes to war, does something they feel guilty about, and then returns a troubled soul who turns to booze and reckless behavior. But I don't think your goal with this story was to blow anyone away with some original premise. You set out to make a straightforward story with identifiable drama and consistent tension, and you delivered with precision.

--you've moved Jennifer into a little bit of an antagonist, and that was well done.

--I'm not sure what the intended audience for this is, as far as marketing. Depending on what your goal is with that, I would say the one thing this story is missing is that real "wow" factor, that certain something that really sets it apart and makes it memorable. There aren't really any twists or surprises. None of the characters really stand out as being anything more than, well, normal.

--I will move this post down later so you can get first post.

--good work, good luck!

EDIT: I moved it so you could have first post. This way you can modify about updates, coverage notes, or whatever.
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B.C.
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 9:00am Report to Moderator
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Hey Ryan.

Well paced, good character development, quick read. Format all correct and present as far as my eyes could tell.  There’s a lot of clichés here but because you’re aiming for TV movie of the week, that’s fine and certainly more appropriate than trying to break the mould.

I thought your dialogue when characters are talking to each other was fine. On the other hand, there is the expected difficulty that comes with having a character talk to oneself. Very difficult to pull off, and as the lead is trapped for most of the script, I always feel that it has to be pinpoint great or it stands out a country mile.  

Some notes I made, dunno if they will help:

P.2 – 4. The action sequence is done well, but the amount of times we read white SUV/black SUV/white SUV is a little akward. I got bit confused here, but can understand the mayhem of the gunfire would work on screen. Maybe this could be tidied up on the page, though.

P.11 “I’m coming Cassie!” I think this was the first instance when the phrase “cheesy” sprang to mind. I know it’s difficult to not be cheesy in the constraints, but maybe he doesn’t need to say anything? Your action is good enough that we know whats happening without him telling us.

P16 – “Broken ribs. Atleast four.” Again – we know he’s smashed up pretty bad so I don’t think this is needed.

P18 – good use of the weather to build tension. This is used really well throughout the script, btw.

P20. Regarding the exposition problem – it’s a lot better now that George the squirrel is with us and is something to bounce off. I actually enjoyed the interaction throughout the script with the little guy.

P45 – the first boar attack. I liked it, but I come back to this.

P50 – This always comes up in any script critique. VO just don’t seem to sit well with a lot of people. I’m not usually one of them, but here I could have just done without it as he wrote the letter.

P53 – again, good use of the weather as he finally gets another taste of water.

P54 – love the flash flood scene.

P67 – I’m not sure about the TV coverage, to be honest. As the police have stated, people go missing everyday and I’m not sure even a local station would be that interested? I may be wrong about this but the TV angle just seems to ‘be there’ rather than actually further anything.

P.77 – Another boar attack. By this point I was ready for him to finally get out of there, so pace-wise – I could have done without this scene. It just felt like one scene too many, and at this point I’m beginning to wonder how much physical abuse he can take.

Anyway, really enjoyable for the most part.  Thanks for the read and good luck.

Revision History (1 edits)
B.C.  -  September 18th, 2011, 1:34pm
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Ryan1
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, Basket.  Sorry, don't know your real name.

I'll take another look at that opening fight scene to see if I can makes things read a little clearer.

Good catch on the "I'm coming, Cassie" line.  That was a holdover from the first draft and I meant to axe it.  Not sure how that got by me.  I'll chop it in the next draft.

With the two boar attacks, the first time, I wanted it to be quick and jolting, just to let Will know that this thing was out there.  But, I didn't want it to be a one shot deal where the boar just went away after that.  I wanted him to show up again at the worst possible time and put a life-threatening attack on Will.

Think I might dial the tv reporter back a bit, maybe cut some lines to make that part move quicker.

Yeah, I put a serious whupping on this guy.  I really wanted to pile on the pain.  In the first draft, he actually made it to the top of the ravine by himself.  Then I realized that his friend needed to be the one who found him, to repay his debt.

This script's got some schmaltz to it, no question.  Like I said, I laid it on thick.  A little too thick in parts, maybe, but I wanted this guy to really go through an ordeal.

Thanks for the read and your notes.  Glad you liked it.

Ryan
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 12th, 2011, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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Hey Ryan,

It's your turn in my non-work queue!
Did everyone read this and supply private notes to you?
It's the only reason I can fathom why this thread is so, light.
You are one of our best and brightest, so let's get this thread back on the portal.

I know you are submitting this to the Movie of the Week (MOV) crowd.
And those scripts have a completely different dramatic structure than features.
I believe this is how they set up an "hour" of a television movie...
The first commercial break is at 18 minutes, then three more 8 minutes apart.
Gotta have those cliffhangers to keep them on your channel!
That's 42 minutes x 2 for the running time of a MOV sans commercials.
I think I got that right, if not, let me know!
So, I'll keep that in mind while going through the script's structure.

I'll take notes as I read then sum up after each section read.

P. 2  Will and Alex take cover behind the bunker.
        The lieutenant should order the private to call for back up on his portable radio.
        That kind of screaming dialogue under fire breaks up the text blocks.
        It adds tension and lets Will be the leader/hero we need to see.
        Not to mention it would be SOP for a besieged checkpoint, IMO.

P. 3  The car veers off the road, knocking over stop signs at it
        tries to skirt around the barriers.
Typo. "at" should be "as".

P. 6  WILL
         Yeah...wouldn’t that be something?

         Feels like this line belongs to Mikey. It reads awkward as written, IMO.

P. 15  Will screaming in the car should be a SMASH CUT to Cassie screaming.
         Then show doctor's concern, then intro Jennifer with Gorski.
         Show us the condition, then explain it to Jen, then she calls Will.
         Let your visuals pull us in, then deliver the exposition.

p. 18  Give us a longer beat before the baby begins to breathe.
         Show Will panicking, breathing hard, then stops. "Hannah".
         Then the baby comes to life, create that fatherly connection through cuts.
         This is a good point for the first commercial break.

I like what I read today.
I can see this being turned into an effective production.
Will works as a flawed hero. The set up is pretty clear.
I'd say this is written by someone that knows his story.
A little light on characterization.
However, your dialogue choices give the actors plenty to work with there.

I'll pick up from here as work allows.

Regards,
E.D.




LATEST NEWS

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is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
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Hey Ryan,

Picking up after the first "commercial break" this morning.

P. 20  I couldn't visualize the phone and how that was washed away.
         Also, IMO, it's a mistake to not show the phone slip away.
         Show us Will seeing it's about to be washed away and his struggle.
         He wakes up from his nightmare to see that, even ups the stakes more.
         Feels much better to me than a passive moment where the cell's gone.

P. 24  I like "Shave and a haircut, two bits".
         Hope you keep up this semi-gallows humor through the script.

P. 26  WILL
         See ya around, George. Not like I
         have somewhere to be or anything.

         Reads like a shockingly defeatist line after the farewell.
         Will has somewhere EXTREMELY important to be.
         This is the first time Will reads like a jerk to me.

P. 27  I like the "no one's coming" realization.
         That's a great spot for a commercial break. Just maybe a hair sooner.
         It's 18 + 8 to the next break, so yeah. Just about lines up. Nice.
         Since you were going for MOV stuff, I'm surprised it's not formatted that way.
         I kinda assumed there would be FADE OUTs for breaks, etc.
         Doesn't matter to me, but I think it will matter to television producers.

P. 31  WILL
         Yet somehow...I managed to blow it.

         Personally, I HATE this line. Derailed the entire effective monologue for me.
         Keep telling us the things we don't already know.
         As written, that cloying self awareness tramples this scene, IMO.

P. 31  Nine times in a row you start a description with "He".
         *does his best Ed Rooney impression* Nine times.
         Break up those he's, please.

P. 33  The dark threat of a mysterious animal is another good commercial break.
         Great spot for a FADE OUT to keep those TV viewers watching.
         Though it may need minor tweaking to line up right.

I like the way things are progressing.
Will got some needed character color in these two sections.
Old friend. Detective. Wife. Sister-in-law. It all lines up.
Though I'm curious as to why there's no mention of Will's parents. At all.

I'll continue as work allows.
Come to The Thing reunion screening tonight!

Regards,
E.D.
        


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Ryan1
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Thanks for the read so far, Brett.  As far as the format, most of the guides I've read suggest writing the script in standard screenplay format without the added fade outs for commercial breaks.  This way it doesn't necessarily exclude some producer who might consider the material for a straight to dvd feature.

Good call on that smash cut.  I think I'm going to use that.  

With the phone on the river bank, we do see the rising water washing onto the phone, so I think the implication is there as the level of the river is much higher the next morning.

The line on 26 was not meant to sound self-defeating, sorry that it came off that way for you.  To me, it was Will being bitterly ironic as he, of course, has to get out of there as quickly as possible.  At that point, he still has at least a faint hope of rescuers finding him.

Good catch on 31.  The repetitive "he."  That's one of those things I should have seen right away, but slipped right past me.  

Also a good point about Will's parents.  I think I'm going to have Cassie inject a line in there about both of Will's parents being dead.  Thing is, I didn't want too many characters on the B side of the script.

Didn't know about this Thing reunion.  Where's it being held?

Have you got your latest CW up yet?  I wanted to get to it before the OWC scripts are posted.

Ryan
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 13th, 2011, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ryan1
Thanks for the read so far, Brett.  As far as the format, most of the guides I've read suggest writing the script in standard screenplay format without the added fade outs for commercial breaks.  This way it doesn't necessarily exclude some producer who might consider the material for a straight to dvd feature.

Hey Ryan,

I see your point there, still worth it to map out the general "breaks" though.
You should know them spot on, in case of TV exec asks you about them.
So, unless you're all over that, I'll continue to illustrate them.

Quoted from Ryan1

Good call on that smash cut.  I think I'm going to use that.  

Yu better! In all seriousness though...
My mind's eye went right to mom screaming as Will bellows.
It was like Jennifer's dialogue was in the way of your "movie" at that point.
And my funky brainpan went right to the visual, screw new characters. Heh.
Create those bonds through smash cuts, what parent wouldn't be affected by that?

Quoted from Ryan1

With the phone on the river bank, we do see the rising water washing onto the phone, so I think the implication is there as the level of the river is much higher the next morning.

I hear you, but it went right over my head for some reason.
Perhaps a brief re-orienting of the cell would help, I was lost on that page.

Quoted from Ryan1

The line on 26 was not meant to sound self-defeating, sorry that it came off that way for you.  To me, it was Will being bitterly ironic as he, of course, has to get out of there as quickly as possible.  At that point, he still has at least a faint hope of rescuers finding him.

I'm sure you can write that bit better so it's not misinterpreted.
As written, it leaves some room for doubt and we're not too versed in Will's behavior.
At least, at that point int he story. It was wild how jarring it was on the page.
Like someone dropped a rock on the paper script while I was reading it.
It's a testament to how the narrative worked on me too.

Quoted from Ryan1

Good catch on 31.  The repetitive "he."  That's one of those things I should have seen right away, but slipped right past me.

LOL! My eyes died a little when I looked at that.
You must've been really in the zone.
It sorta looks like a poem!

Quoted from Ryan1

Also a good point about Will's parents.  I think I'm going to have Cassie inject a line in there about both of Will's parents being dead.  Thing is, I didn't want too many characters on the B side of the script.

Yeah, it needs something. Even as brief as a mention.
Absent parents are great to have in your hip pocket if you need a scene or two.
Even it's a hallucinatory flashback or something.
Nice to have back up if your script needs spice.

Quoted from Ryan1

Didn't know about this Thing reunion.  Where's it being held?

I just checked the site.
The screening sold out an hour ago. Sorry.
I should've posted this sooner, it's been a frantic month.  
I'll check will call when we pick up our tickets tonight.
If something's available, I'll call you, Ryan.
The screening is at the Arclight on W Sunset in L.A.
You a big fan of the movie?

Quoted from Ryan1

Have you got your latest CW up yet?  I wanted to get to it before the OWC scripts are posted.

Ryan


The new draft of Clone Wife will be available at the end of the month.
I'm writing a fresh draft, from page one.
It's slow going so far, but early indications are, I'm on the right track.

Regards,
E.D.



LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
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Hey Ryan,

Gonna knock out a couple more commercial breaks this morning.

P. 35  JIM
          Okay, this is not a good time for
          this conversation. My lieutenant
          is out there, somewhere, and I
          intend to find him.

          The first sentence reads super cringe worthy to me. Stopped my read.
          I'd go right to the second sentence, lose the following line too.
          Jim ordering Jennifer around read hokey to me.

P. 37  He stares the bag for a few seconds, then shakes his head and
          lays it on the passenger seat.

          Missing a word here.

P. 41  Lose Mikey and Tripp pulling up to Jim with the map.
         Why not just cut right to Jim with the boys talking over the map?
         Save nearly a half page of superfluous business.

Stopping at page 50 this morning.
Things are progressing at a logical pace.
The boar was an odd, but effective choice for an animal antag.
I wonder how many areas they are indigenous to here in the states.

I find myself wishing Cassie was a bot less of a blank slate.
All I've got is jilted wife, but still cares. What about her family too?
Why aren't her parents at the birth?

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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jwent6688
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Ryan,

Good to see a feature from you. I'll admit, I read the logline and I wasn't too intrigued. I was thinking a 127hrs-type movie here. One I did see and enjoy, but could probably care less if I ever see it again.

Glad to say that I liked this more then I thought I would. Its a bit light hearted for my tastes, but I can see an audience for this.

The opening scene is good, but I think you show too much in it. When you show Will shoot up the second car and the reaction on his face when he opens the door, its painfully obvious he just lit up a car full of innocents. If you remove the second car from the opening scene, I think it would add intrigue to the audience. Keep us in the dark as to why Will has fallen so hard now that he's back into the states. It will add more to your future flashbacks and the audience can find out what happened to Will in Iraq the same time Cassie does. Keep us wanting.

Didn't like Will's cheating. Seemed out of character for him since he so dearingly loves his wife. You just mention it a few times. If you keep it i think you should add a bit about it. What were the circumstances? Was he hammered? Was it an ex girlfriend? Personally, I think it would serve your script better if you removed it and he just becomes a self-destructive drunk who can't hold a job. Thats why Cassie leaves him, but she doesn't know why he's such a mess until we find out with her.

Also, seems off that today, this day with his wife almost 9 months prego, Will is gonna smash his bottle of JD in the sink and get his shit back together. Wish there was more of a revelation at this moment. Done with nitpicks....

George was good. Quite enjoyed the little bits with him in there. The boar is a cool idea. Nasty beasts that seldom get their due in film. Gotta echo Brett though, Do they even exist in the wild here in the states?

The pacing of this is top-notch. Not just talking about white on paper, but jumping around to Cassie, Will, Jim as the story unfolds. I blew through this in lesss then an hour.

Its a feel-good story. Not really my bag, but I can see people buying into this. I do think its a smidge light on character. Of course we're gonna cheer for your protag, decorated army vet whose time at war haunts him. Just wanted to see a bit more inside of him. Maybe when he was alone in the ravine. He could tell George why he cheated on Cassie. Maybe he feels he didn't deserve such a good life anymore and did it to push her away. Anyways, my two cents

Never knew it was called "Shave and a hair cut, two bits". I like the Gilbert grape cover of it better "Match in the gas tank, boom boom"

Take care Ryan, good luck with it. Now, to see if I can whip up something for the OWC.

James


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leitskev
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Boars are wild in Texas, areas like that. Ever see the Discovery show on King Hog? I think areas like Arkansas, Mississippi might have boars.
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Ryan1
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Boars, or wild pigs, or feral pigs, whatever you wanna call 'em are spread from the southeast, starting in Georgia(where they've grown in excess of 1000 pounds) and are pretty much found through out the southern territory of the United States on through Texas and California.  They're also running rampant in Hawaii.
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Rampant boars in Hawaii? Sounds like a horror script waiting to be written!

Ok, so back to the script. Picking up from page 50.
I thought I'd read the OWC scripts, then bring this one back to the portal.

P. 50  the I allowed it to destroy me part of the VO killed it for me.
         It it truly destroyed him, Will would be dead or a merc or something.
         Read that VO aloud without that part. Reads much better to me.
         Focus on what Will stands to lose if he doesn't get saved.

P. 52  I thought you were talking about George Harrison here.
         Just watched the Scorsese documentary.

P. 61  Screw Not now, Jennifer. Sister's due for a smackdown.
         It's time for Cassie to stand up to the REPEATED nattering by Jennifer.
         Denouncing the idea with the TV crew there? She's a bad sister.
         I actually had someone do that to me once, it was awful.
         To be cut down like that moments before you're going on camera.
         Cassie needs to slap her square in the mouth.
         "This isn't about the past. It's about Hannah's future."
         Cassie is a first time mother under a lot of stress.
         She's far too restrained on the page, especially here, IMO.

I'm stopping at page 66 today.
The last few pages I read were really shocking to me.
I got very excited when Cassie took the initiative with the TV crew.
My mind's eye saw Cassie taking a stand and putting Jennifer in her place.
We're more than two thirds through the story, it's time to tighten the belts.

It's time for Cassie to lay it on the line, have some kind of emotional release.
An impassioned emotional plea on camera while holding Hannah.
Why, oh why, didn't you show Cassie being interviewed?
This may be her only chance to say something to Will, ever.
That is exactly the kind of scenario your target audience is primed for.
And you damn well better intercut that with Will's escape from the car.

That will squelch any doubts about how light the characterization is.
And I do feel that problem is getting bigger as the story unfolds.

Those three changes I think will really bring this story to life.
Cassie takes a stand. She says her peace to Will on TV and begs for his return.
She's on the verge of breaking down, but little Hannah helps her keep it together.
All that, while Will is prying himself free at the same time.
Are you kidding me? Heck, I'm worked up just thinking about.

And it culminates with Will gaining his freedom.
IMO, that's how you take advantage of the hard work you've done.
You've done a nice job with setting up the plot.
But I believe you are not capitalizing on the potential of its emotional impact.

Hope this helps. I'll pick this as work allows.

Regards,
E.D.









LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
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Hey Ryan,

Picking up from page 66 this morning.
I'm looking forward to see how you wrap this one up.

P. 67  I don't buy Cassie going from enthralled to breaking down here.
         It's just a broadcast. In my mind...
         The actual interview is where the real drama is in this sequence.

P. 73  I like the reveal of the "kicker" with Will's guilt. It works.
         The deeper I get into the story, the more I feel the infidelity is superfluous.
         As written, it adds nothing to the story, it's only spoken about.
         The reveal in the bullet riddled car is where your power is.
         Guilt ridden isolation is more than enough to establish estrangement, IMO.
         Unless you have more to add with the cheating, I'd drop it.
         Without context, without seeing Will do it, it's just reads like a place holder.

P. 76  The producer in me says, "Two pages is too long for the boar scene."
          However, the writer in me really dug how the sequence read.

P. 77  I should've added something in my last post.
         During my proposed changes to the interview, I forgot something.
         Robert should be in there, during Cassie's actual plea.
         Tying that in with her and Will breaking free, would be effective, IMO.
         It's a sharp cut right into the guilt Robert should be feeling.

P. 77  I like seeing Jennifer finally coming around, nice touch.

P. 80  What you did at the top of this page is exactly what I've been driving at.
         Jennifer remarks on the treacherous landscape, then we see Will on it.
         This is a less intense version of the smash cuts I mentioned before.
         These kind of "visceral cuts" are what the melodramatic elements need.
         It's a technique pros use all the time and producers recognize it.
         Sometimes voice over from a new scene will start at the end of the previous.
         I put those cuts all over ZP, and I do believe they really facilitate reads.

P. 81  I've had another one of those primal misfire gut feelings about a scene.
         When Jim said "lieutenant" my mind flashed back to Tikrit.
         My mind's eye smash cut to Jim saying "lieutenant" in Tikrit.
         Then Will in the ravine stirs, delusional and bloodied.
         Will grabs Jim, he's delirious with grief over what he did in Tikrit.
         He's reliving the horror with the corporal right then and there.
         Jim guides him through it, Will's mind returns to the present. He's saved.

         Will's guilt needs a resolution, with Cassie would be schmaltzy, IMO.
         And to your credit, you stayed away from that.
         She wasn't there, she can't possibly know how it felt, but Jim can.
         And Will needs to come to terms with it right then and there.
         And Will coming out the other side of the bloody delusion is just enough, IMO.

Overall, I like this script.
You've done a fine job of constructing the scenes.
But there are three major narrative misfires at key points of your story.

1) Will screaming trapped/Hannah being born.
2) Will breaking free from the car/Cassie's impassioned interview
3) Jim finds Will/Will is delusional with grief and exhaustion

Will is at the bottom of a metaphorical ravine as well as a physical one.
And Jim is there to rescue him from both.

I firmly believe that if those three misfire are corrected, this script is market ready.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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Ryan1
Posted: October 20th, 2011, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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Brett,

Thanks again for the notes, my man.  I'm actually in the middle of a rewrite right now as I've got a producer interested in it.  But I'll definitely consider and apply some of your ideas as well as those of the other reviewers.

And give me a nudge when the new CW goes up.

Ryan
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 20th, 2011, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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Ryan,

I know the "visceral cut" philosophy will serve you well here.
However you choose to get it on the page.

It's not just my honor to help a contributing SS member.
I'm also pleased to lend an opinion to one of Babz's clients.

The new CW draft MUST be done by month's end.
I'm pitching it to 40 feature film production companies in nine days.

Let's do drinks after that event.
Give em hell.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 8th, 2011, 10:26am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ryan1
Brett,

Thanks again for the notes, my man.  I'm actually in the middle of a rewrite right now as I've got a producer interested in it.  But I'll definitely consider and apply some of your ideas as well as those of the other reviewers.

And give me a nudge when the new CW goes up.

Ryan


Hey Ryan,

Thanks for the extensive notes on CW.
I'm catching up on comments over there.

How's the new draft of WtL coming along?

*whistles innocently while he shamelessly plugs a thread he wants to see get reads*

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Ryan1
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Quoted from Electric Dreamer


Hey Ryan,

Thanks for the extensive notes on CW.
I'm catching up on comments over there.

How's the new draft of WtL coming along?

*whistles innocently while he shamelessly plugs a thread he wants to see get reads*

Regards,
E.D.


It's coming along, and the new draft I think does a much better job of defining Will's character.  It's gone from a potenital MOW to a script with a more spiritual point of view.  So, I actually entered it in the Kairos comptetition.  We'll see how it does.

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Electric Dreamer
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Quoted from Ryan1


It's coming along, and the new draft I think does a much better job of defining Will's character.  It's gone from a potenital MOW to a script with a more spiritual point of view.  So, I actually entered it in the Kairos comptetition.  We'll see how it does.


Ryan,

Good on you for entering a contest. Get yourself out there!
I'm reading Shawn's entry right now from 2010.
Poke me when the new draft of this is available.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Eoin
Posted: November 9th, 2011, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ryan,

I promised you a read on this awhile back, but as per usual, stuff gets in the way. Here's my review of the first 30 pages, more to follow.

The opening is pretty solid. You introduce the characters and we're straight into the world Will inhabits, there's a nice hook/cliff hanger and we're left wanting more. Nice.

Nit picky stuff. The dialouge between Jim and Will is a bit too casual for guys and certainly guys guarding a checkpoint in Iraq, it's a high stress situation.

JIM
Hey. Thinking about asking Sara to
marry me.

WILL
Really? Do it, man. Gettin’
hitched was the best move I ever
made.

Something along the lines of this, sounds more like how a conversation about popping the question would go:

JIM
Thinking of putting a rock on Sara's finger.

Will
Went one better, put two rocks in Cassie's hand.

It's some light relief in a tense environment and is kind of along the lines things guys say to one another.

Will makes a big blunder when he sprays the car with a shower of .223s, but I think given his training he would at least try and stop it before opening fire.

Page 9 - The 2003 Honda, not so sure I'd necessarily call it 'old', that's relative. Maybe just a well maintained 2003 Honda Accord, the year says the rest already.

Page 12 - Having the experience of rolling a car several times and having the roof crushed, I can say that accidents happen in a split second and at the very last millisecond. Will has way too much time to react. He doesn't even beep his horn, just talks to himself, not really how you'd expect a combat veteran to react. That collision should happen instantly. We know Raines is drunk, it creates tension, but Will doesn't.

The crash itself, I'm not so sure about. A car cartwheeling like that would suggest Will was travelling pretty quick (why don't we see a shot of the speedo?) and he would in all probability have whiplash at the least or a broken neck. The real danger in a crash like that is being impaled by trees or branches (all WRC rally cars have mesh windows to prevent this from happening)

You have created a a nice set up here a sense of urgency and a situation that makes us want to root for Will.

Page 16. 'Will takes a piece of broken glass and slices through the air
bag.' Glass in cars is of the tempered safety variety, it cracks in tiny dull cubes.

Another little twist that kicks things up a notch, they all think he took sixy one.

Up to Page 30. Very interesting so far.
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Eoin
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Page 33 - is eyeshine a typo?

Page 37 - 'He stares the bag for a few seconds, then shakes his head and
lays it on the passenger seat.'   stares at

Page 43 - The tire and the hook. From the start, there was a good reason for all the items pointed out in the car. Would the wire in a clothes hanger be stiff enough to pull a spare wheel, I'm guessing yes, if was done right and the tire was positioned favourably. Should this be an oppurtunity for Will to show some ingenuity, other than blind determination?

I'm not entirely sure what exactly is trapping Wills leg, the dash is plastic, but it seems to be metal that is trapping his leg from somweher below the knee to the ankle, yet he is able to stand up and get his shoulder out of the sunroof, which doesn't seem plausible if he's pinned like that, I think.

Page 58 - Nice response to pain leaving the body.

WILL
Yeah, that’s bullshit.



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Eoin
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Poor Will, he makes it to the top of the road, looses his footing and plummets to the bottom of the ravine only to be gorged by a wild boar. Give the guy a break! Dark night of the soul eat your heart out

The tension between Jennifer, Jim and Cassie is nicely brought to a climax and a resolution and you effectively cut to Will dreaming at the bottow of the ravine where the horror of his torment is shown. The one question I have is, why did Will cheat on Cassie. I understand his guilt and his drinking and the impact that had on their marriage, but I don't understand why he cheated on her?

I like that Robert repents for his part in the accident. Even though he's a relatively minor character, he undergoes change and is also complex.

All in all a nice story Ryan.
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Ryan1
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Eion,

Yeah, I put Will through the wringer, didn't I?  Haha, couldn't make it too easy on him.  

Thanks for the review.  In reference to some of your notes:

With the accident that sends Will into the ravine, it's true that accidents do happen in the blink of an eye, but I wanted to stretch that tension as far as I could.  It wasn't really a collision, but Will's avoidance of one.  His reactions prevent the head on crash, but also send him hurtling into the darkness.  I wanted to capture those split seconds of terror.  

I struggled a bit with how to describe how Will's right leg was pinned.  I got the idea for this story from a woman who actually went through a similar situation, with her lower leg trapped in the wreckage.  The way I pictured it, everything below Will's right knee is trapped between the center console and the wrecked, compressed dashboard.     I was trying to come up with more technical terminology, but I had trouble finding the exact words I wanted.

But yes, it is possible to raise one's head through the sunroof with your right leg trapped.  I tested this theory myself when writing this.  Push up with your left leg and use your hands to pull your head free.  I also figured the roof would be bashed down a couple inches, too, to allow the shoulders to get through.

Yep, eyeshine is a real word and refers to when animals eyes reflect light at night.

As I mentioned, there is a new version of this, which is the one I actually submitted to the Kairos contest.  It goes deeper into Robert's character and his struggles with his own demons.

And it also delves deeper into Will's spiritual journey, questioning God and then finally asking for his help.

Again, thanks for the read and hopefully we get to see The Cure here soon enough.

Ryan


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Eoin
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Maybe the words you need are foot well and transmission tunnel. Best of luck in the competition.
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