Quoted from rc1107 Hey E.D. Hope you're having fun at the event!

It was several kinds of awesome.
I'll post on the Sherwood Oaks thread about it later.

Quoted from rc1107 Ah, pages 40-60.  These scenes I wrote were heavily inspired by a few certain songs I had in my head while writing them.  That's why there's a lot of images and not too much dialogue.  I hope it doesn't read too much like a music video.  (It's also the main part where I'm afraid I might have gotten a little too artsy-fartsy.)

I don't recall getting that impression while reading the pages.

Quoted from rc1107 I'm not too sure what you mean about the dialogue lines on pg. 49.  I did only use Microsoft Word Processor writing this, but they seem to keep in synch in the pdf version.  Do you mean they go a little too far to the right marginally?  I have been guilty of that a lot, lately.  Just my way of avoiding some orphans.

That must be it, the right margin was too long and stopped my read.
Something to consider reviewing.

Quoted from rc1107   Actually, I did mean for it to sound like an order.  She knows Crandall can be forced into things at this point. It's right around the corner.   Talk to you later!

Ok, but in that context it robs the scene of emotional power for me.
We know Sazha is needy for...a whole lot of things.
But throwing the dominance out there like that, didn't come across for me.
Perhaps if it was displayed earlier with friends, I can digest it better.
As a surprise it takes away from the focus on the characters in a key scene.
Unless you're going for pure shock there, I don't see the benefits, at this time.

But that can change.

Regards,
E.D.

Okay, time to crack this open again.

Picking up from page 60 this morning.

P. 71  Doubling the price of the prenatal vitamins? Wow. Why so steep?

I'm stopping at page 80 today.
The read was smooth, but the pages didn't do much for me.

The two people that starkly contrast Sazha are gone.
Without them, I felt the story comparatively stagnated.
Also read odd that Sazha has completely alienated all her friends.

Does Sazha ever ask Cora why she does all the protesting at the clinic?
I think it would come up between mother and daughter in some form.

Looking forward to wrapping this up tomorrow.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Mark,

Gonna put a bow on this bad boy today.
Apologies for breaking it up into so many chunks.
It's the best way I can manage my time between SS and industry endeavors.

Picking up from page 80 this morning.

P. 85  Very untimely typo during an intense scene.
         The blody flops out into the tub

P. 86  I read these lines and thought of the plumeria box.
         She finds the piece with the nose and mouth.
         She drops her head a moment, then wraps it in the foil.
         Dunno why, just did.

P. 87  Love this bit of business.
         Cora just sits there, staring at the T.V. that’s turned off.
         I've done that, when I know I did something bad.

P. 96  Typo in the middle of your ending there.
         Smithers peaks in,e leaves her alone to her good byes.

Thistles lives in a very uncomfortable area.
After what Sazha went through, I do not pity her, nor do I celebrate her.
It's a more mature choice than simply making her a child to be pitied.
She is a walking contradiction, much like her mother.
And that's a more shocking choice to me, than the events depicted.
But Sazha can grow, where Cora seems immovable.

I kept seeing Sazha near the end protesting her own baby at a clinic.
Using her special sign, charging a couple. She wheels the man around, it's Crandall.
She wakes from her nightmare. And feels... nothing.
Part of me saw Sazha take the sign from Cora and finish the job.
Act out as she sees her mother, there's a turn no one would suspect.

Was there outright clues to Turrell's indiscretion? I don't recall any.
There were hints, for sure. Unspoken behaviors are tricky, but rewarding on the page.

This one feels incomplete, but I'd have to meditate on why, with you.
But I suspect I'm seeing those strong images for a reason while reading.

Provocative pages, brain's turning. Kudos.

Regards,
E.D.

Hmm.  I thought I replied to you this morning when I got up, Brett.  I guess I never posted it.

Anyhow,

Quoted from E.D. P. 71  Doubling the price of the prenatal vitamins? Wow. Why so steep?

I went back to make sure there wasn't a typo that time or anything.  (Well, this morning I did, anyway.)  I believe it only raises four dollars, from 16.95 to 20.95.

Quoted from E.D. The two people that starkly contrast Sazha are gone.

With this script, I challenged myself in a couple different ways just to see what I could do and what I couldn't do.

One of those challenges was to have two main characters and to focus on both of them equally, without anybody feeling it's more about one person than the other.  In my head, I think I accomplished it, but I don't know as to what others think.

In the first half, the story's focused on Crandall a little more, but Sazha's definitely around and involved.  Then in the second half, it tells the story of the rest of what happens to Sazha, and I was hoping to portray that Crandall had made such a strong impact on Sazha, that she's picking up his characteristics.  (Such as wanting to be alone, (that's why I didn't show her hanging around her friends in this half).)  

In fact, Sazha picks up the characteristics of the different people she's around.  She doesn't talk as ghetto as her friends and her mom, but the slang's still there in her voice when she's around them.  Then, around Crandall and her psychologist, she talks not perfect english, but a lot better than the english that is around her at home and play.  Then, she even accomodates to Smithers' almost country politeness twang.  (That's a lot harder to hear or see on paper, but the main clue is how Sazha, like Smithers, starts using the term 'I appreciate it' more.  (Of course, Smithers'll actually annunciate it as I 'preciate it, but I refuse to write my dialogue like that.  Just makes it a harder read, and a little more stale and on the nose.)

Another thing I wanted to do with this story, was show good and bad in all my characters.  Crandall of course was good-hearted and kind, but he was also weak and had his crutches.  Sazha was smart and seemingly normal, but we also saw her unhealthy desires, and sometimes just downright creepiness, (with the placenta print and mementos of her baby).  She was normal, but something wasn't right about her, is how I wanted her to come off.

With Cora, she was someone I wanted to go from one extreme to another, even in her beliefs.  At first, she's strong and takes care of her family, (we see this in her working for her family and cooking for them), then I wanted her to experience a complete 360.  She stopped cooking, she was always frazzled or quiet.  

Then I did with her what I don't think quite a lot of people understand, and I think is somewhat of a phenomenon that no one understands in real life.  She's so against violence that she starts embracing it.  The hate against violence becomes so bad that the whole idea consumes her and she sees it everywhere and can't stop it, so she uses it in sick ways to prove her point.

The whole slew of abortion clinic bombings I remembered hearing about in the 90's are what heavily influenced her character for me.  People who are so extremely pro-life, that they take life because they're so blinded by their beliefs.  They don't see they're performing what they preach against.

Even Turrell, at first, I show good.  I show that he cares for his sister and doesn't want her molested by an older man.  Then, later on, we see he may have acted out more out of jealousy than protection.

Even Derrick Clyde, the principal, shows good and bad.  He proves that he's there for Crandall, but then, instead of fighting against the school board, uses Crandall's weaknesses and inability to make decisions himself, to force Crandall into putting in a voluntary resignation.

Anyway, those are just a few of the things I wanted to challenge myself with while working on the story.


...To be continued in a couple minutes.

All right.  Sorry about that.  Wanted to grab something to eat real quick and wanted to post that before I somehow lost it again.

Part Two:

Quoted from E.D. P. 85  Very untimely typo during an intense scene.          The blody flops out into the tub P. 96  Typo in the middle of your ending there.          Smithers peaks in,e leaves her alone to her good byes

God I hate typos in my shit!  And this one had a lot of them.  I don't know what I was thinking.

But, and I know this is going to sound really bad to say, especially for a father, but I SWEAR TO GOD THAT THE PAGE 96 TYPO IS ALL MY SON'S FAULT AND I TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT ONE!

Yes, my son Austin has become very good at scaling things recently, and he had to've climbed up onto my desk and did some editing of his own.  (I did catch him a few times.  That one must've got by me.) That's the only way I can see that much of a sentence deleted and an extranneous comma just thrown in.  I checked the Microsoft Word Processor draft and the whole sentence was there, so he must've did it after I transferred it to Word and before I pdf.'ed it.  Right before I .pdf'ed it, because that was at the end.

(Maybe if I were still drinking heavy like back in the day, I'd admit it was probably my fault, but this one's all on Austin.)

Quoted from E.D. It's a more mature choice than simply making her a child to be pitied. She is a walking contradiction...  And that's a more shocking choice to me...  But Sazha can grow

I was hoping to leave people with a positive image of Sazha, that everything was going to be okay for her.  That she would make it okay for herself.  She'd get through this.  I don't know if I accomplished that in those few short scenes at the end, but I also didn't want to draw this out any longer than it needed to be, either.

Just wanted to get in, tell what happened to these people, and get out.  I wonder if that's why it felt so incomplete to you.

Quoted from E.D. Was there outright clues to Turrell's indiscretion? I don't recall any.

This was a dilemma for me throughout the whole story while writing it, if Crandall should be the only father of the baby, or add Turrell into the mix.

I think adding Turrell into the mix brings a different couple layers to the story that I liked.  It definitely made Sazha's character more complex and also might explain just why she's after Crandall so bad.  She wants to feel what it's like to be the aggressor, and realizes how submissive Crandall can be.  But I also wanted it to be love for her, rather than just a crush.  I wanted to show her true feelings.

I will say that at the birth of the short story and the outline, I had always planned for Turrell to be molesting his sister.  But I wasn't sure.  So instead, I just wrote the story straight out without that nasty little twist involved, and it just felt incomplete.  (And don't forget, I wrote this way way before 'A Few Will Find This Difficult' was even conceived, so I wasn't worried about the too much incest theme.)

Then, especially after 'Difficult', I took it out again.  But ultimately, I decided to keep it in because of all the layers it added to Sazha's character.

Your thoughts on that aspect of it?


Well, thank you again very much, Mr. Martin, for taking a look at this one for me, and don't worry about having to break it up over a couple days to make time, I totally understand where you're coming from there.

Usually, I like reading a script all in one sitting and absorbing it all at once, but it's just getting so impossible with my schedule lately, breaking stories up is the only way I'll ever get any reading done.

You take it easy, too.  Don't take too much all at once.  Relax and enjoy, also.  :-)

I'll talk to you later, Brett.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 One of those challenges was to have two main characters and to focus on both of them equally, without anybody feeling it's more about one person than the other.  In my head, I think I accomplished it, but I don't know as to what others think.

Hey Mark,

Honestly, I never thought for a second this was a shared lead protag story.
It's all about Sazha and how others interact with her is how they're defined.
That's pretty much a classic single protag dynamic you've created, IMO.
We start with her and Crandall comes in later.
Almost everything Crandall does in the script is a reaction to Sazha.
So, in my mind, that makes her the sole protag of this story.

Quoted from rc1107 I was hoping to portray that Crandall had made such a strong impact on Sazha, that she's picking up his characteristics.  (Such as wanting to be alone, (that's why I didn't show her hanging around her friends in this half).)

I didn't pick up on this, but it sounds good.
However, consider this about reuniting Sazha with her friends later.
If she behaves differently with them, the audience will pick up on it.
Even her friends may resent the changes, creating tension.
It's a nice opportunity to get something out there you want the reader to embrace.

Quoted from rc1107 Sazha was smart and seemingly normal, but we also saw her unhealthy desires, and sometimes just downright creepiness, (with the placenta print and mementos of her baby).  She was normal, but something wasn't right about her, is how I wanted her to come off. Then I did with her what I don't think quite a lot of people understand, and I think is somewhat of a phenomenon that no one understands in real life.  She's so against violence that she starts embracing it.  The hate against violence becomes so bad that the whole idea consumes her and she sees it everywhere and can't stop it, so she uses it in sick ways to prove her point.

I really like the idea of embracing hatred as an overall theme.
And I think you achieve that to near perfection with Cora. It's very striking.
It's a strong statement about how the character feels about themselves.

I do feel you can run Crandall and Sazha through that filter and see some changes.
Off the top of my head along that thought, why is Clyde the AA guy?
How does your script benefit from him being in that position?
What if...humor me here...Smithers was the AA buddy?
Then, when Crandall falls off the wagon, he goes into a liquor store. Bam!
There's his AA pal. And they are both embracing something they hate.
And yet, Crandall would still go there, every time as he descends. Punishing himself.
That, and I love the idea of an AA member running a liquor shop.
Personally, I see more benefits to Smithers being the AA buddy.
And this idea would hard wire Smithers into the theme as well. Just a thought.

In summation, I think you can run your script through that "theme filter".
And I wouldn't be surprised if you start to see it a little differently.
This also ties into that "other script" we've been in talks about.

Quoted from rc1107 Even Turrell, at first, I show good.  I show that he cares for his sister and doesn't want her molested by an older man.  Then, later on, we see he may have acted out more out of jealousy than protection. .

I'm down with that progression, for sure.
But I felt like Sazha was robbed of a chunk of her power by blaming Turrell.
It felt cheap to blame the dead as I was reading. Sazha felt diminished somehow.
If she defended her love on her own merit, she gets stronger.
We, the reader, are with her in that suggested conundrum.
We know what Sazha knows, bringing Turrell into it clutters that dynamic.
I see that scene as Sazha's final stand to break away from the hatred cycle.
And it loses all that steam when the question of Turrell is addressed.
I dig all the veiled suggestion, but to blame Turrell deflated/distracted the scene.
Sazha's attempt to ascend into a cycle of non-hate would be dramatic.
She starts out in that scene with silent virtue, never revealing Crandall.
It would make Sazha's defeat in the moment all the more powerful, IMO.
The higher they try to climb, the bigger the fall and more enthralling to experience.

Hope this helps.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from rc1107 I was hoping to leave people with a positive image of Sazha, that everything was going to be okay for her.  That she would make it okay for herself.  She'd get through this.  I don't know if I accomplished that in those few short scenes at the end, but I also didn't want to draw this out any longer than it needed to be, either. Just wanted to get in, tell what happened to these people, and get out.  I wonder if that's why it felt so incomplete to you.

I got the impression Sazha would persevere, for sure.
I like that she embraced Crandall's lesson over the hatred.
And that it was a labored process, it should be hard to change.

Quoted from rc1107 I think adding Turrell into the mix brings a different couple layers to the story that I liked.  It definitely made Sazha's character more complex and also might explain just why she's after Crandall so bad.  She wants to feel what it's like to be the aggressor, and realizes how submissive Crandall can be.  But I also wanted it to be love for her, rather than just a crush.  I wanted to show her true feelings.

I agree with the veiled suggestion and Turrell's behavior works for that.
It's Sazha's admission of it that I feel hamstrings your theme.
The last thing I want to feel is Sazha being a victim while she's fighting the hate.
For me, it muddied her emotional journey in the script.

Quoted from rc1107 I will say that at the birth of the short story and the outline, I had always planned for Turrell to be molesting his sister.  But I wasn't sure.  So instead, I just wrote the story straight out without that nasty little twist involved, and it just felt incomplete.  (And don't forget, I wrote this way way before 'A Few Will Find This Difficult' was even conceive

I'm curious as to how you see the final conflict with Cora playing differently.
Imagine how that scene plays without Turrell being dragged into it.
I'd really like to see how you get to the where you are without that admission.
If Sazha is trying to not embrace hate, she wouldn't mention Turrell at all.
Think about it, marinate it in your brainpan, see how it grows.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Mark,

Haven't done a lot of reading around these parts lately, but thought I'd check out your feature here.  My thoughts: Wow.  

First let me commend you on having the balls to write this.  I know you had a short about incest, but a feature is something else.  Parts of this script genuinely made me feel uncomfortable which is really more of a compliment to your writing style and ability to convey what's going on in a scene.  I've read a lot of really twisted scripts on here but rarely do they come in this form that's both elegant and dark and disturbing at the same time.  

There's a lot of conflict in here, and it seems each scenario ups the tension and up until the end I felt you did a good job of asking hard questions with even harder answers.  Where this lacks, I think, is the background of Sazha's family.  There's barely anything put into them, or at least not enough for me to buy into their actions.  The revelation of Turrell raping his sister was out of left field and it just seemed like adding conflict for the sake of it.  It was one of the few issues I didn't buy.  The other was Cora's actions.  The thing is - what kind of person jams a splintered sign into her pregnant 13 year old daughter's hoo hoo?  And then makes her "deliver" the corpse herself and throw it out?  This is another one of those questions I feel wasn't properly answered.  Up until this point we know Cora is, well, a little vocal and she's upset about Turrell, but I didn't feel her actions made a lot of sense.  And then there really wasn't anything resolved between her and Sazha.  I don't know what I was hoping for, but I wanted some more closure other than what happened.

If the incest angle is going to stay then I'd include some more drama between Sazha and Turrell.  Turrell's part was so brief that it was hard to detect any sort of history or conflict between the two.  

I liked Crandall.  I was disappointed that he was gone so early, but that's more of a positive testament to how you developed him.  You really created a big conflict with what he gets himself into and I bought it.  So nice job on handling what was otherwise a really tough load.  

Dialogue was good, the story was easy to get through, and again, I liked for the most part the conflict that you stacked on.  You didn't take it easy and created some really hard situations.  The scenes of Sazha and Crandall and the "birth" would not be allowed on film in such graphic detail, but watered down you'd get away with it.  But maybe leave that decision to the producer.  

Overall you really created a mood with this one.  I compliment you for being so bold as this is not an easy story.  There were a few parts I couldn't really buy, but otherwise this was an engaging story.

Nice job!

Greg

I haven't heard a peep out of Mark in six weeks.
Has he been on anyone's radar lately? A tad concerned. :/

E.D.

Hey, Greg.

Thanks for taking a read.  I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you.  It's been awhile since I've been to the site, (actually, I've barely been online even at all the past month or so), but i'm excited to get back and hopefully back into a regular writing routine.  (The brainstorming has been fantastic, though.)

Anyway, thanks for all the compliments.  I'm glad to hear it made you uncomfortable.  I think.  You know what I mean.  I like to read or watch stories that hit a visceral note with me, so I find myself writing like that a lot of the time.

I definately understand what you said about the incest coming out of nowhere.  When I first brainstormed the story, that storyline was there from the beginning.  But when I sat down and actually started writing the pages, I decided to take it out and wrote Sazha and Turrell just like a regular brother and sister.  When I was almost done with the pages, I threw it back in there because, after much deliberation, I thought it just added more layers to the Davids' as a family.  Unfortunately, because I decided to just 'throw' it back in, I can see where that part of the story was underdeveloped, and why it seems to come out of right field.  (Or left field.  I don't know what field, baseball's boring anyway.)

I do plan on making more changes to the script, and right now, having the incest angle is still up in the air.  I still don't know if I want to keep it in or not.  I will be doing some deep thinking about it, though, the next time I tackle the script again.

As for Cora jamming the splintered sign up Sazha... well, this is hard to explain.  I do have to develop her a little more in the beginning and middle, I think, to show that she is a woman losing her mind and slowly going off the deep end.  I don't think I did that job as well as I could have because I was too focused on Crandall.

But, I don't want to lose anything with Crandall, either.  In fact, I kind of want to do something that even redeems him a little in the end, but still doesn't change his fate.  I don't know, I guess I still have a lot of playing around to do with this one.

Quoted from greg The scenes  ...  would not be allowed on film in such graphic detail, but watered down you'd get away with it.  But maybe leave that decision to the producer.

I take that part of being a writer seriously.  I just do my job and tell the story of what happened.  It's someone else's job after I type 'END' or 'FADE', they can tell it how they want to after they give me their money.  I probably won't even go see it if this does ever get filmed.  (Why would I want to go see this if I already know what happens?  What kind of sick fuck do you think I am?)  But it would be fun to see a viewers reaction to it, so I might stand outside the theater as people leave to hear what they have to say.  :-)

Anyway, thank you very much again, Greg, for taking a look-see.  I'm glad to see you enjoyed it for the most part.  And thank you for your thoughts on it.  I think you were spot on that I have to get more into the Davids' family for the story to be 'totally' bought.

See you around.

- Mark

Wow Mark,

I loved that.  It was a fast and fascinating read that had me hooked from the start and a climax made my hair stand on end.   I'm a fan now.  The script did what it's supposed to do, so well done.

However, there are a couple of comments I would like to make.  First off, while I pretty much felt none of the actions or events in this script felt forced there were a few minor things that didn't quite seem right - such as the large change in price for vitamins.  Again, that's minor but you will want to smooth these irregularities out.

The second is the amount of gore.  One of the reasons I liked this was because it didn't need gore to be sickening or horrifying.  So when the gore was introduced it kind of cheapened the script for me.  I would suggest holding back a lot more on the gore - until the end when you actually need some of it to tell your story.

Next, there's a bit of a lull at the end of the second act.  Dramatic tension should be building at this point - but I wasn't feeling it.  Perhaps it's need more about her mother and her pregnancy - build to that climax.

There was one more thing I wanted to say as a comment - only I can't seem to remember it at the moment.  I'll chime in again when I do.  

But well done, Mark.  I was impressed.    

AHA! I remember.  For marketing reasons I would suggest changing the age of Sazha to around 15.  13 is more effective story-wise but it's going to be a hard sell.

    

Hi Mark.
I just read your work through. It was an easy read, clean draft good work there, but very dipressing story. I found it little bit racist too. The story is yours, but I would not kill the baby. That is too cruel and unfair. You could bring it close to death, but save the baby in the end. That way it would have a happy end. Also her brother raping her is not a right touch. You are just showing them as animals. IMO no offends. To be honest, I loved your writing, but hated your story. It is a dipressing story in many ways. Too much violence, too much blood and detaled fragments of human parts. IMO it would disguast both the audience and the readers.
On page 11-Roberto's first dialog on the top is confusing IMO.
I didn't mean to be harsh, but it really did ruin my mood. Yet you writing is great. Just get better stories.


Hope I was helpful.

Regards
Jahongir.

Hey Michael,

Sorry I'm a couple days late, but hopefully not any dollars short.

Quoted from Michael Wow.  I loved that.  It was a fast and fascinating read that had me hooked from the start and a climax that made my hair stand on end.   I'm a fan now.  The script did what it's supposed to do, so well done.

I don't know how to reply to that without sounding like a smug prick, so I just highlighted it again in case anybody missed it.  :-)

Again, thank you very much for the compliments.  Hope you felt the same way I did when I told you how much I liked 'A Doll's Life'.  (What's going on with that, by the way?  Is post finished and has it been around the festivals yet?)

As for the vitamins, (which has been brought up before)... don't ask me.  I've kept an eye on those, and they shift 10 to twenty dollars from store to store and time to time. All I can say to that...  is you foreigners with your funny and/or sexy accents can stop shoving it in our faces about how shitty our health care is.

Quoted from Michael it didn't need gore to be sickening or horrifying.  So when the gore was introduced it kind of cheapened the script for me.  I would suggest holding back a lot more on the gore - until the end when you actually need some of it to tell your story.

Yuck.  I hate this part.  Gore is always a tough thing to explain.  Without Turrell and Crandall's gore at the thirty-something and fifty-something mark, I'm sure many would complain that Cora's gore on Sazha at the end came out of left field and was just done for pure shock.  I think I just like to show in my writing that people's actions have consequences.  And not always pretty ones.

As for the lull at the end of the second act: Do you think that might have anything to do with Crandall (who I admit has been built up as the main character until then), and his story ending at that point?  And the lull comes with the transfer to get into Sazha's and Cora's feelings?

Quoted from Michael For marketing reasons I would suggest changing the age of Sazha to around 15.

Are you saying that's a negotiable age?  :-)  It might also be a little easier on casting, too.  But I picked 13 because that's roughly about how old a lot of people/kids around this area were, our first time.  I was 12.  Not because I was a mack, but because my babysitter was a slut.  (I say that in the strictest confidence that my mommy won't read this.  Not because I'm scared she'll be mad I was having sex at that time, but because Shelly's ugly now.)

Thank you, Michael, again, for taking the time to read through this. and letting me know your thoughts.

Quoted from rc1107 Hey Michael, Again, thank you very much for the compliments.  Hope you felt the same way I did when I told you how much I liked 'A Doll's Life'.  (What's going on with that, by the way?  Is post finished and has it been around the festivals yet?) Thanks for asking. A Doll's Life is finished - the director did a fantastic job and it will have its premiere at the Bermuda Int'l Film Festival in March.  Here's the site if you want to keep a watch on where it will be shown after that. http://www.adollslife.co.uk/ As for the vitamins, (which has been brought up before)... don't ask me.  I've kept an eye on those, and they shift 10 to twenty dollars from store to store and time to time. All I can say to that...  is you foreigners with your funny and/or sexy accents can stop shoving it in our faces about how shitty our health care is. Fair enough. But remember movies are about suspension of (dis)belief - not about reality.  So if a price hike causes us to lose our belief - it doesn't matter how realistic it is or not.  It's a very common problem that reality does not work in the movies.  It's a very minor point, however. Yuck.  I hate this part.  Gore is always a tough thing to explain.  Without Turrell and Crandall's gore at the thirty-something and fifty-something mark, I'm sure many would complain that Cora's gore on Sazha at the end came out of left field and was just done for pure shock.  I think I just like to show in my writing that people's actions have consequences.  And not always pretty ones. I don't have a problem with the gore you use - when it's appropriate.  I just felt that some of it really didn't have a reason to be there (except to shock).   I also, don't have a problem if you leave it all there but I think it cheapens the emotional response when it's doesn't have an apparent reason for it's existence. As for the lull at the end of the second act: Do you think that might have anything to do with Crandall (who I admit has been built up as the main character until then), and his story ending at that point?  And the lull comes with the transfer to get into Sazha's and Cora's feelings? The lull comes when Sazha doesn't want to tell her mother about the pregnancy.  There really isn't a follow up on this conflict until much later.  As a result there isn't really any tension in that part of the script.  It isn't that you aren't moving the story forward, just that you aren't building tension when you should be.   Are you saying that's a negotiable age?  :-)  It might also be a little easier on casting, too.  But I picked 13 because that's roughly about how old a lot of people/kids around this area were, our first time.  I was 12.  Not because I was a mack, but because my babysitter was a slut.  (I say that in the strictest confidence that my mommy won't read this.  Not because I'm scared she'll be mad I was having sex at that time, but because Shelly's ugly now.) I'm saying this could be produced in Europe as is but you would have a difficult time getting it produced in the US - if at all possible. If you tried to produce it yourself, you might even be breaking some US laws.  And since the subject of interest is decidedly American,  it would be difficult to find someone interested in Europe.   It may (and the keyword is may) be easier to market in the US if you raise the age of the girl.  But since no one really knows what will sell or not please take this advice with a grain of salt. Once again, excellent work

Hey Mark,

I'm in the process of reading this and was about to post what I thought so far until I came here and read through every comment and realized I probably don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said by someone else.

I guess all I have left is to ask what do you plan on doing next with this script and if there is any feedback you've gotten here that you do want to consider for future drafts?

What I gathered here so far is that there are certain elements in your story that other members are arguing in favor of you cutting down on. I hate to be the guy who jumps on the bandwagaon and tells you I agree with them, but it turns out I am. But I still think you can make a shocking story even if you do end up removing some parts or replacing them.

Also, when you said that your job as the writer is to put down the story to paper and that its no concern to you how the filmmakers decide to film it.. But I thought the whole point of screenwriting is that we wanted to see our stories made into movies? I would almost suggest this would be best made into a novel as if as opposed to a screenplay. I must come from a completely different train of thought because every time I write something, I write it as how I imagine it being filmed and edited.

Quoted Text I'm saying this could be produced in Europe as is but you would have a difficult time getting it produced in the US - if at all possible. If you tried to produce it yourself, you might even be breaking some US laws.  And since the subject of interest is decidedly American,  it would be difficult to find someone interested in Europe.

If you haven't heard of it, I'd suggest looking into the movie A Serbian Film. The movie features the rape of a child as well as a newborn and has been screened here in the US in very limited theatrical release as well as in festivals. No issues came up in those screenings. Overseas however it has been banned in numerous places, two developing labs - one in Germany and one in Hungary refused to hand over the movie to the filmmakers because the film itself was considered to be breaking some laws of theirs, and they are being charged in Spain for exhibiting child pornography. So I think we might paint Europe as liberal enough to make movies featuring kids and sex, there are still some standards over there despite what we think.

Also, I think there is a writer/director here in the US who often tackles films on the subject of pedophilia but his name and the names of his films escape me, plus I've never seen any of them.