A Special Case by Jahongir Bahrom (Jahon) - Drama, Adventure - After surviving a terrible fire that killed his beloved mother, and left him extremely ugly and depressed, Yusuf Rustam has hard time living around his abusive father and the violent people of the town, until he meets a friend that changes and saves his life, but the friend's life is threatened and the history is to repeat itself, unless Yusuf does something about it. 108 pages - pdf, format

I'm not the one to critique grammar, I will leave that to the experts on here... but the first ten pages I've read held my interest.  Maybe when I have a little more time on my hand, I will finish the read.  So as far as the story line goes, in my opinion.. it's good.  Usuf being in a detention home for murder, possibly protecting something or someone he cares about.... again, I'm just speculating.  

Hi body. Thanks for the read. Give me some feedback if you can.

Hi Jahon,

And welcome to the boards.

While asking Justwrite for their feedback is perfectly Okay, it is also recommeneded that mabey you jump in and read some other peoples stuff. That way you are more likely to have other people take a gander at your work.

It's a "win-win". You learn stuff from others writing and help other writers out with their scripts by offering feedback.

My two cents.

By the way, I would offer to give you a read right now but I have two scripts right now I am reading and am a very slow reader.

Shawn.....><

Thanks a lot for your response. I am reading and giving feedbacks to everybody who replied to my short script now, but I am doing it one person's at a time. I mean I read everything the writer wrote and show anything I can, even though I need to be tought.

Hey Jahon,

Thanks for taking a crack at Clone Wife.
Said I would take a look at this since you read through some of my stuff.
I'll give you some coverage notes on your opening ten pages here.

For the record, I'm not a format stickler.
I don't care too much, so long as whatever you do doesn't hamper the read.
Or make it hard to understand what you're trying to say.

P. 1  Right off the bat, all the CAPS really DISTRACT the READ.
        Yes, you do need to do it when introducing new characters.
        But not when you are introducing props.
        Use it very sparingly as well for dramatic effect is fine too.

P. 2  Drop the "blank will be referred to as" stuff from the pages.
        Your CAPS intro of the character tells us what we need to know.

P. 4  The kid drawing is interesting duality of ugliness and beauty.

P. 6  The Major can't say things like, "that's a big crime".
        It sounds like kid talk, not a formidable military figure.

P. 7  Typo. Major says "sand". I believe that should be "send".

P. 9  I like the boat "introducing" us to the town. Nice visual.
      
P. 10 The Rano flashback is confusing.
        Your narrative is jumping around, which makes for a shaky start.
      
This ambiguity will alienate or frustrate most readers.
We don't know who is our eyes and ears for this story.
Not to mention, we're doing flashbacks within flashbacks now.

There has to be a better way to streamline your opening scenes.
Find the best and simplest way to tell your story.

Hope this helps.
Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Hi
Thanks man. I will try my best to take care of your notes here. Could you please tell me how can I put flashback within flashback?

Many thanks and my regards.

Jahon.

Quoted from Jahon Bahrom Hi Thanks man. I will try my best to take care of your notes here. Could you please tell me how can I put flashback within flashback? Many thanks and my regards. Jahon.

Jahon,

There's nothing that says you can't leave the flashback as is.
But as a reader, I found it confusing. Who's story is this supposed to be?
How you put the flashback in there itself didn't mess up the read.

It does make the narrative a tad "meta".
Because there's no way the young boy can "recollect" those thoughts.

So, we go from following the boy to being transported to someone else's story.
Which makes it hard for me to figure out who your main character is.

So long as you're explicitly clear about it, folks may accept it.

Regards,
E.D.

Hi Jahon. Not doing a full read today; just some pointers.

Fade in: belongs on the left.

I agree the caps are distracting - use occasionally to add impact or for distinct sounds.

The bit with the sign is going to be interesting: my understanding (apart from there most likely being different ways to do it) is there should be apostrophes, and there is no need to do a 'back to scene' bit.

This: She is so stern that she looks more like a man with a wig than a woman. Doesn't actually make sense.

Think of variations for:
The guards salute her simultaneously and by their faces you can tell she is not only respected, but also feared.
As one, the Guards salute. On their faces - fear and respect.
Short is good.

Major walks away not finishing her sentence.
Is:
Or playing...

Major walks through the busy hallway where soldiers and officers of different ranks, ages and genders are dealing with teenage prisoners in black uniforms.
Try
A mass of teenage prisoners, dressed all in black, are processed by a small brigade of guards.
Certainly lose the 'busy' - that's implied by the description.

SARGENT HOMID, 30. HOMID is a short man. Intelligent, but corrupt. He will be referred to as HOMID.
Should be
SARGENT HOMID, 30, short male.
And that's it. The intelligent, but corrupt bit needs to be shown. How is that going to be viewed on the screen?

The top of page 5 needs to be re-worked. You could consider using 'Series of shots' for this - also you need to place in locations: VISITING AREA.

Mid page 5 you have a CUT TO: and then go on to the next scene. My understanding is that CUT TO: is used to go to another scene while in a scene that you intend to come back to.

I'm not going to go on for ever about this.

I did actually quite like your script - I sort of sensed that you cared about it - about the characters etc. I think that you write quite well, but there are some minors as far as formatting goes.

Biggest gripe for me, was that the sentences wandered - they really need to be kept tight in a screenplay. Being bold, I'd suggest that you go over them and just ask yourself, 'is there anyway I can write this using fewer words'.

Visually I think you have some strong ideas; and you led the story well - there was a natural, logical feel to it. I just read 10 pages; so just covered the setup, and already we have a number of potentially interesting characters who are bound to clash, leading to conflict. That I don't really know who's story it is, is a strength at this early stage; I'm naturally assuming it's the child's but is there more to than that?

Keep it up. I do suspect that you may have a talent here.

Hi
than you very much for your read and time. I appologise for the CAPS right now I am working to get rid of them, but in that draft you will see more unfortunately. I also apriciate your response and quotes. They are gonna help me a lot for I am new, unecperienced and still learning. Formatting and describing characters are the weekest points of my crafts. But as it says we learn from our mistakes.

Thanks one more time!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Hey Jahongir,

I gave the first 25 pages a read today after your request and I know you wanted me to go through the whole thing but I have to be honest and say, this needs a lot work.  

Nearly all the action sentences need to be tightened and reworded, it reads so awkward and confusing at times and it’s not just grammar.

I don’t know how to take this story in; what time period it’s supposed to be? To be honest I was lost!

We started at a detention centre and met the Major who was giving Usuf( I wondered if you mean Yusuf?), our protagonist of 14 for his sort of parole hearing I’m guessing? It took 8 pages to get to this point and then we have a flashback, which went into another flashback. By page 25 we still haven’t left the first flashback which isn’t all bad but nothing’s happened in the flashback. We know that Usuf who would be 9 in the flashback loves his mother dearly, his father is abusive and there is some guy who hunts dogs.

In 25 pages, we have had inserts, series of shots, a montage and flashbacks. It’s quite a lot to take in and made the read confusing IMO.

I think you’re trying to build a relationship between Usuf and his mother but in doing this have forgot to move the plot forward. I think it’s been 15 pages of them hugging, smiling, eating dinner and so forth.

This is the main gripe for me as it seems like the story has stalled, put the handbrake on here. We keep seeing the same scenes over again with them either kissing or hugging in the compound.

I will try to continue sometime this week but my initial thoughts would be to get this plot moving quicker, up the pacing. Get rid of the whole scene with the Major at the beginning, start with her in the office. Get rid of a lot of the lovey dovey scenes with Usuf and Rano, which for me is holding this story up. After 25 pages I do not know what is going on and that is never a good thing? Who did Usuf kill? I think should know by now or at least getting to it but the story just feels held up at the moment.

These are the notes I took during the read: Just like to point out that I stopped really taking notes after page 2. I was trying to concentrate more on story.

Page 1: It reads confusing here.  You start with an EXT. scene where we see an old police car. We then move INT. CAR, for starters, it should be continuous in the slug but also, why not police car instead of car? It helps to be consistent IMO.

“Juvenile detention center. Ministry of justice, Tajikistan.” I would capitalise this.

“A female officer gets out of the car and heads towards the
prison. It is MAJOR SHAMSIYA, 40.” Action segments like this need to be tightened. “ MAJOR SHAMSIYA, 40, steps out from the car, strolls towards the prison.”

Page 2: “A woman of a few words and dedicated workaholic.” This isn’t a visual description, it’s fine if she’s like this but you need to portray this visually for the reader.

“From now on we will refer to her as Major.” I personally don’t like this, why can’t it just be “Major Shamsiya” for dialogue?

MAJOR
(calmly, but firmly)
Button your shirt soldier. Catch
you sleeping on post again...
(to the rest)
Or playing...

Major walks away not finishing her sentence.

Why bother having this sentence? If she can’t be bothered with it, why should the reader? This is lazy and wasted space IMO.

The slugs need to have continuous, I only say this because we are moving to both INT and EXT and looks confusing. I’m guessing this is all continuous action?

Closes, should be clothes.

Let’s look at that whole sentence.

“A MAN wearing modest closes sits opposite of him and waits for him to talk.” Other than the spelling error, this reads so awkward.

Get rid of the parenthetical “to man” We know this from the action, who else would he be talking to?

“in the list” I think you mean “on the list”

“Where I am going to find that kind of money?” should be “Where am I”

Page 3: “Major throws her beg” you mean bag.

Page 4: “Homid looks around to the window and door playing with his eyes.” How do you play with your own eyes?

“Homid stands up and walks to the door” Homid never sat down.

MAJOR
You will never meet his father or
what’s so ever!... Understood?
This doesn’t read right?

Page 5: Didn’t capitalise Usuf on first appearance.

Page 8: “Bellow” you mean below.

Sorry if this seems harsh, Jahongir but I do mean to help.

I will try to continue the read later on in the week.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Hi Steve.  
Thanks a lot for your time, read and notes. Everything you said is right so don't be sorry. You are not being harsh at all. Please any mistakes you see feel free to criticise them full force. I am just a beginer and this is my road to knowlage. In a way you and everybody else in SS are teachers and students of one another. I will definately change the above mentioned stuff.

Gratitudes
Jahongir!

I think this is the new one, uploaded here, so:

Hi Jahon - I can see that you have reworked this extensively - and that's a major positive - rewritting isn't the most exciting end of the craft, but it's the part that most improves your scripts - heads up for doing that.

The only other thing I will say at this stage, is that often when you get better, and eliminate loads of errors - those that remain stand out more clearly from the page - but then they're easier to clean when they are easier to spot.

So what we've got here is a big improvement, but I'm still going to go with what I see.

This is yours:

INT. CELL - DAY
An ugly burned hand draws a picture in a dark room. We don’t
know who it is or what they are drawing.

And this is Akiva Goldman's:

INT.  SECURE ISOLATION CELL
Small. Walls, ceiling, floor, padded. A single window
casts the room in pallid moonlight.

A figure sits in shadow, bound by the wraps and ties of a
straight jacket, gaze fixed out the window.

So with that as a standard, we should be looking at something along the lines of:

INT. CELL - DAY
A cold dank room. Dark.
A hand, burned, disfigured, scrawls on a wall.

Remember your primary visual is the cell, then the hand - you'll see the cell first, so take the viewer along in the order of the visuals.

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
An old Soviet era police car drives along mountainous roads.

I like the way you are going, as you are keeping things really short and to the point - that's a major positive - but cars - they do drive don't they? So this just lacks imagination where it really, really needs some:

-...car bumps along mountainous roads; (or) kicks up a dust trail, (or) clings to the road, etc etc.

Next slug is:

INT. CAR
A small picture...
--Just need to specify things here - you could have gone for a mini slug, but you've done a couple of quick changes, so you need some pointer that you're in the soviet era car (INT. SOVIET ERA CAR - CONTINUOUS) is fine.

Not too sure where you have got this from:
INSERT THE SIGN
Juvenile detention center. Ministry of justice, Tajikistan.
Maybe-
SIGN: 'Juvenile...'
Or check the web for alternative ways of doing this.

#Relaxed GUARDS chill out.
It's shorter, and that's good, but it's still repitition:
-GUARDS Relax. -GUARD chill. Or other.

#Guards start panicking.
ing ending aren't wrong, but there's some issues with them, so they're often best avoided. In this case, it's part of a sentence that is too long - especially when:
The Guards panic - says the same and is shorter - it also reads a little more easily.

#Everybody she passes by salutes her...
You need to be careful about your passive sentences - they are not a major issue, but if they creep in too often then they become an issue 1. Because it's considered poor writing 2. It's consider poor because you end up losing focus.
Here, you have started the sentence with the word 'everybody', but the focus of your sentence (the subject) is the Major. So:

The Major is saluted is active.
and:
They salute the Major is passive. Check the web for info on passive sentences.

OFFICER
(to man)
Two thousand... in dollars
--You've started the sentence mid-discussion - good.

MAN
Where I am going to find that kind
of money?
...and immediately introduced a dilema - good on good.

MAJOR
Enough. Enough... In what stage are
we now?
--Try to avoid following ellipses with a capital - they're not full stops, so start with lower case.

#Pictures are everywhere. A beautiful woman in one corner. A
big dog in another.
--This does not read correctly.
Try:
On the walls - pictures: A beautiful woman, a dog... or similar.

MAJOR
(putting her eyeglasses
on)
So...
--Generally, a wryly is used to indicate how the dialogue is said - that's why it's under the name of the character about to speak. If it's something the character is doing, then it should go in an action line. This is called 'pulling' a wryly.

#Sharaf is their leader and a bully.
Get rid of this - no doubt. If this is key to the story (which I suspect it is), then it has to be shown - removing it forces you to show it in the story - not tell it.

Okay - I got to page 10 this time, which is a lot further than previously. Generally 10 pages should be enough to say if this script works.

Here's my thoughts in summary:

I think the story has real potential - visually it works very well. Is it well written? It is better written than previously - but here's the rub - if this were sent to a production company, I guess (being bold again) that they'd like the story and hire someone to write it.

Here's the bit that might hurt:

You've told me you are a student - I don't know what of.

You clearly have strong visuals, but I'm not sure you can write.

If you are a film student, I'd be pointing you toward directing, not writing.

Let me know what you think, and all the best to you.

Simon.

Hi Simon.
Thanks again for your time and help. It is really great to hear your comments and have them during rewrites. And I will certainly use them as tools. I am an English student. I woud love to study moviemaking, but my budget doesn't allow me at the time. You guessed right by thinking about me as wanting to be a director. Thats what I wanna do and think a good Spec Script would be my cards to enter the game. Besides my stories are the only things I've got at the moment and I've got many of them.

Thanks a lot body and hope to hear more  of your comments.

Ragards
Jahongir.

Thanks Jahon - it's a major plus that you take feedback so well - I'll check any updates if you wish.
Simon