A Special Case by Jahongir Bahrom (Jahon) - Drama, Adventure - After surviving a terrible fire that killed his beloved mother, and left him extremely ugly and depressed, Yusuf Rustam has hard time living around his abusive father and the violent people of the town, until he meets a friend that changes and saves his life, but the friend's life is threatened and the history is to repeat itself, unless Yusuf does something about it. 108 pages - pdf, format

I'm not the one to critique grammar, I will leave that to the experts on here... but the first ten pages I've read held my interest.  Maybe when I have a little more time on my hand, I will finish the read.  So as far as the story line goes, in my opinion.. it's good.  Usuf being in a detention home for murder, possibly protecting something or someone he cares about.... again, I'm just speculating.  

Hi body. Thanks for the read. Give me some feedback if you can.

Hi Jahon,

And welcome to the boards.

While asking Justwrite for their feedback is perfectly Okay, it is also recommeneded that mabey you jump in and read some other peoples stuff. That way you are more likely to have other people take a gander at your work.

It's a "win-win". You learn stuff from others writing and help other writers out with their scripts by offering feedback.

My two cents.

By the way, I would offer to give you a read right now but I have two scripts right now I am reading and am a very slow reader.

Shawn.....><

Thanks a lot for your response. I am reading and giving feedbacks to everybody who replied to my short script now, but I am doing it one person's at a time. I mean I read everything the writer wrote and show anything I can, even though I need to be tought.

Hey Jahon,

Thanks for taking a crack at Clone Wife.
Said I would take a look at this since you read through some of my stuff.
I'll give you some coverage notes on your opening ten pages here.

For the record, I'm not a format stickler.
I don't care too much, so long as whatever you do doesn't hamper the read.
Or make it hard to understand what you're trying to say.

P. 1  Right off the bat, all the CAPS really DISTRACT the READ.
        Yes, you do need to do it when introducing new characters.
        But not when you are introducing props.
        Use it very sparingly as well for dramatic effect is fine too.

P. 2  Drop the "blank will be referred to as" stuff from the pages.
        Your CAPS intro of the character tells us what we need to know.

P. 4  The kid drawing is interesting duality of ugliness and beauty.

P. 6  The Major can't say things like, "that's a big crime".
        It sounds like kid talk, not a formidable military figure.

P. 7  Typo. Major says "sand". I believe that should be "send".

P. 9  I like the boat "introducing" us to the town. Nice visual.
      
P. 10 The Rano flashback is confusing.
        Your narrative is jumping around, which makes for a shaky start.
      
This ambiguity will alienate or frustrate most readers.
We don't know who is our eyes and ears for this story.
Not to mention, we're doing flashbacks within flashbacks now.

There has to be a better way to streamline your opening scenes.
Find the best and simplest way to tell your story.

Hope this helps.
Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Hi
Thanks man. I will try my best to take care of your notes here. Could you please tell me how can I put flashback within flashback?

Many thanks and my regards.

Jahon.

Quoted from Jahon Bahrom Hi Thanks man. I will try my best to take care of your notes here. Could you please tell me how can I put flashback within flashback? Many thanks and my regards. Jahon.

Jahon,

There's nothing that says you can't leave the flashback as is.
But as a reader, I found it confusing. Who's story is this supposed to be?
How you put the flashback in there itself didn't mess up the read.

It does make the narrative a tad "meta".
Because there's no way the young boy can "recollect" those thoughts.

So, we go from following the boy to being transported to someone else's story.
Which makes it hard for me to figure out who your main character is.

So long as you're explicitly clear about it, folks may accept it.

Regards,
E.D.

Hi Jahon. Not doing a full read today; just some pointers.

Fade in: belongs on the left.

I agree the caps are distracting - use occasionally to add impact or for distinct sounds.

The bit with the sign is going to be interesting: my understanding (apart from there most likely being different ways to do it) is there should be apostrophes, and there is no need to do a 'back to scene' bit.

This: She is so stern that she looks more like a man with a wig than a woman. Doesn't actually make sense.

Think of variations for:
The guards salute her simultaneously and by their faces you can tell she is not only respected, but also feared.
As one, the Guards salute. On their faces - fear and respect.
Short is good.

Major walks away not finishing her sentence.
Is:
Or playing...

Major walks through the busy hallway where soldiers and officers of different ranks, ages and genders are dealing with teenage prisoners in black uniforms.
Try
A mass of teenage prisoners, dressed all in black, are processed by a small brigade of guards.
Certainly lose the 'busy' - that's implied by the description.

SARGENT HOMID, 30. HOMID is a short man. Intelligent, but corrupt. He will be referred to as HOMID.
Should be
SARGENT HOMID, 30, short male.
And that's it. The intelligent, but corrupt bit needs to be shown. How is that going to be viewed on the screen?

The top of page 5 needs to be re-worked. You could consider using 'Series of shots' for this - also you need to place in locations: VISITING AREA.

Mid page 5 you have a CUT TO: and then go on to the next scene. My understanding is that CUT TO: is used to go to another scene while in a scene that you intend to come back to.

I'm not going to go on for ever about this.

I did actually quite like your script - I sort of sensed that you cared about it - about the characters etc. I think that you write quite well, but there are some minors as far as formatting goes.

Biggest gripe for me, was that the sentences wandered - they really need to be kept tight in a screenplay. Being bold, I'd suggest that you go over them and just ask yourself, 'is there anyway I can write this using fewer words'.

Visually I think you have some strong ideas; and you led the story well - there was a natural, logical feel to it. I just read 10 pages; so just covered the setup, and already we have a number of potentially interesting characters who are bound to clash, leading to conflict. That I don't really know who's story it is, is a strength at this early stage; I'm naturally assuming it's the child's but is there more to than that?

Keep it up. I do suspect that you may have a talent here.

Hi
than you very much for your read and time. I appologise for the CAPS right now I am working to get rid of them, but in that draft you will see more unfortunately. I also apriciate your response and quotes. They are gonna help me a lot for I am new, unecperienced and still learning. Formatting and describing characters are the weekest points of my crafts. But as it says we learn from our mistakes.

Thanks one more time!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Hey Jahongir,

I gave the first 25 pages a read today after your request and I know you wanted me to go through the whole thing but I have to be honest and say, this needs a lot work.  

Nearly all the action sentences need to be tightened and reworded, it reads so awkward and confusing at times and it’s not just grammar.

I don’t know how to take this story in; what time period it’s supposed to be? To be honest I was lost!

We started at a detention centre and met the Major who was giving Usuf( I wondered if you mean Yusuf?), our protagonist of 14 for his sort of parole hearing I’m guessing? It took 8 pages to get to this point and then we have a flashback, which went into another flashback. By page 25 we still haven’t left the first flashback which isn’t all bad but nothing’s happened in the flashback. We know that Usuf who would be 9 in the flashback loves his mother dearly, his father is abusive and there is some guy who hunts dogs.

In 25 pages, we have had inserts, series of shots, a montage and flashbacks. It’s quite a lot to take in and made the read confusing IMO.

I think you’re trying to build a relationship between Usuf and his mother but in doing this have forgot to move the plot forward. I think it’s been 15 pages of them hugging, smiling, eating dinner and so forth.

This is the main gripe for me as it seems like the story has stalled, put the handbrake on here. We keep seeing the same scenes over again with them either kissing or hugging in the compound.

I will try to continue sometime this week but my initial thoughts would be to get this plot moving quicker, up the pacing. Get rid of the whole scene with the Major at the beginning, start with her in the office. Get rid of a lot of the lovey dovey scenes with Usuf and Rano, which for me is holding this story up. After 25 pages I do not know what is going on and that is never a good thing? Who did Usuf kill? I think should know by now or at least getting to it but the story just feels held up at the moment.

These are the notes I took during the read: Just like to point out that I stopped really taking notes after page 2. I was trying to concentrate more on story.

Page 1: It reads confusing here.  You start with an EXT. scene where we see an old police car. We then move INT. CAR, for starters, it should be continuous in the slug but also, why not police car instead of car? It helps to be consistent IMO.

“Juvenile detention center. Ministry of justice, Tajikistan.” I would capitalise this.

“A female officer gets out of the car and heads towards the
prison. It is MAJOR SHAMSIYA, 40.” Action segments like this need to be tightened. “ MAJOR SHAMSIYA, 40, steps out from the car, strolls towards the prison.”

Page 2: “A woman of a few words and dedicated workaholic.” This isn’t a visual description, it’s fine if she’s like this but you need to portray this visually for the reader.

“From now on we will refer to her as Major.” I personally don’t like this, why can’t it just be “Major Shamsiya” for dialogue?

MAJOR
(calmly, but firmly)
Button your shirt soldier. Catch
you sleeping on post again...
(to the rest)
Or playing...

Major walks away not finishing her sentence.

Why bother having this sentence? If she can’t be bothered with it, why should the reader? This is lazy and wasted space IMO.

The slugs need to have continuous, I only say this because we are moving to both INT and EXT and looks confusing. I’m guessing this is all continuous action?

Closes, should be clothes.

Let’s look at that whole sentence.

“A MAN wearing modest closes sits opposite of him and waits for him to talk.” Other than the spelling error, this reads so awkward.

Get rid of the parenthetical “to man” We know this from the action, who else would he be talking to?

“in the list” I think you mean “on the list”

“Where I am going to find that kind of money?” should be “Where am I”

Page 3: “Major throws her beg” you mean bag.

Page 4: “Homid looks around to the window and door playing with his eyes.” How do you play with your own eyes?

“Homid stands up and walks to the door” Homid never sat down.

MAJOR
You will never meet his father or
what’s so ever!... Understood?
This doesn’t read right?

Page 5: Didn’t capitalise Usuf on first appearance.

Page 8: “Bellow” you mean below.

Sorry if this seems harsh, Jahongir but I do mean to help.

I will try to continue the read later on in the week.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Hi Steve.  
Thanks a lot for your time, read and notes. Everything you said is right so don't be sorry. You are not being harsh at all. Please any mistakes you see feel free to criticise them full force. I am just a beginer and this is my road to knowlage. In a way you and everybody else in SS are teachers and students of one another. I will definately change the above mentioned stuff.

Gratitudes
Jahongir!

I think this is the new one, uploaded here, so:

Hi Jahon - I can see that you have reworked this extensively - and that's a major positive - rewritting isn't the most exciting end of the craft, but it's the part that most improves your scripts - heads up for doing that.

The only other thing I will say at this stage, is that often when you get better, and eliminate loads of errors - those that remain stand out more clearly from the page - but then they're easier to clean when they are easier to spot.

So what we've got here is a big improvement, but I'm still going to go with what I see.

This is yours:

INT. CELL - DAY
An ugly burned hand draws a picture in a dark room. We don’t
know who it is or what they are drawing.

And this is Akiva Goldman's:

INT.  SECURE ISOLATION CELL
Small. Walls, ceiling, floor, padded. A single window
casts the room in pallid moonlight.

A figure sits in shadow, bound by the wraps and ties of a
straight jacket, gaze fixed out the window.

So with that as a standard, we should be looking at something along the lines of:

INT. CELL - DAY
A cold dank room. Dark.
A hand, burned, disfigured, scrawls on a wall.

Remember your primary visual is the cell, then the hand - you'll see the cell first, so take the viewer along in the order of the visuals.

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
An old Soviet era police car drives along mountainous roads.

I like the way you are going, as you are keeping things really short and to the point - that's a major positive - but cars - they do drive don't they? So this just lacks imagination where it really, really needs some:

-...car bumps along mountainous roads; (or) kicks up a dust trail, (or) clings to the road, etc etc.

Next slug is:

INT. CAR
A small picture...
--Just need to specify things here - you could have gone for a mini slug, but you've done a couple of quick changes, so you need some pointer that you're in the soviet era car (INT. SOVIET ERA CAR - CONTINUOUS) is fine.

Not too sure where you have got this from:
INSERT THE SIGN
Juvenile detention center. Ministry of justice, Tajikistan.
Maybe-
SIGN: 'Juvenile...'
Or check the web for alternative ways of doing this.

#Relaxed GUARDS chill out.
It's shorter, and that's good, but it's still repitition:
-GUARDS Relax. -GUARD chill. Or other.

#Guards start panicking.
ing ending aren't wrong, but there's some issues with them, so they're often best avoided. In this case, it's part of a sentence that is too long - especially when:
The Guards panic - says the same and is shorter - it also reads a little more easily.

#Everybody she passes by salutes her...
You need to be careful about your passive sentences - they are not a major issue, but if they creep in too often then they become an issue 1. Because it's considered poor writing 2. It's consider poor because you end up losing focus.
Here, you have started the sentence with the word 'everybody', but the focus of your sentence (the subject) is the Major. So:

The Major is saluted is active.
and:
They salute the Major is passive. Check the web for info on passive sentences.

OFFICER
(to man)
Two thousand... in dollars
--You've started the sentence mid-discussion - good.

MAN
Where I am going to find that kind
of money?
...and immediately introduced a dilema - good on good.

MAJOR
Enough. Enough... In what stage are
we now?
--Try to avoid following ellipses with a capital - they're not full stops, so start with lower case.

#Pictures are everywhere. A beautiful woman in one corner. A
big dog in another.
--This does not read correctly.
Try:
On the walls - pictures: A beautiful woman, a dog... or similar.

MAJOR
(putting her eyeglasses
on)
So...
--Generally, a wryly is used to indicate how the dialogue is said - that's why it's under the name of the character about to speak. If it's something the character is doing, then it should go in an action line. This is called 'pulling' a wryly.

#Sharaf is their leader and a bully.
Get rid of this - no doubt. If this is key to the story (which I suspect it is), then it has to be shown - removing it forces you to show it in the story - not tell it.

Okay - I got to page 10 this time, which is a lot further than previously. Generally 10 pages should be enough to say if this script works.

Here's my thoughts in summary:

I think the story has real potential - visually it works very well. Is it well written? It is better written than previously - but here's the rub - if this were sent to a production company, I guess (being bold again) that they'd like the story and hire someone to write it.

Here's the bit that might hurt:

You've told me you are a student - I don't know what of.

You clearly have strong visuals, but I'm not sure you can write.

If you are a film student, I'd be pointing you toward directing, not writing.

Let me know what you think, and all the best to you.

Simon.

Hi Simon.
Thanks again for your time and help. It is really great to hear your comments and have them during rewrites. And I will certainly use them as tools. I am an English student. I woud love to study moviemaking, but my budget doesn't allow me at the time. You guessed right by thinking about me as wanting to be a director. Thats what I wanna do and think a good Spec Script would be my cards to enter the game. Besides my stories are the only things I've got at the moment and I've got many of them.

Thanks a lot body and hope to hear more  of your comments.

Ragards
Jahongir.

Thanks Jahon - it's a major plus that you take feedback so well - I'll check any updates if you wish.
Simon

Hey Jahongir,

I continued a bit more today. It took a time long for that flashback to finish, over 30 pages I think. Okay so Rano tries to kill herself, I didn’t understand? You have built a strong relationship between Usuf and Rano, they love each other, you went a long way to show us this and then suddenly, she’s trying to kill herself which will obviously hurt the very person she would never want to hurt? I know she was beaten up but I have to be honest and say I didn’t think it was a enough to want to kill yourself and leave your son who you love so much.

The Major, I don’t know? I didn’t like when she started crying but I’ll give some credit for throwing a spanner in the works with her blind son, I never saw it coming and it kind of explains her reaction to Usuf’s story so kudos for that.

I’m still unsure where this is going?  What is the portags main goal? I’m 50 pages in and struggling to connect with Usuf.

Here are the notes I took:

Page 26:  ARF! ARF! ARF! OU OU OUUU! The sound of barking and howling dogs is heard from the streets.

I don’t like this I’m afraid. You could just have. “Dogs BARK and HOWL from the street”

Page 27: Rang, think you mean Rano.

OU! OU! OUUU! Seeing a lot of this kind of sound visual, I would cut down on this.

Page 30: Rano laying in front of her. Think you mean “him” instead of her.

“He helps Rano to sits up and they hug.” Take the s out of sits so it reads sit.

Page 31: Usuf is calmed down. Should be “Usuf has calmed down” or “Usuf, calmer now”

“Rano looks at his funny moustache and smiling kisses him.” Could be “Rano smiles at his funny moustache, kisses him on the cheek” Note: I haven’t seen as many misspellings in this section but a lot of the action needs tightening like the example above.

I may have mentioned this last time but keep the action sentences to 4 lines max.

“then takes his hand” should be her hand.

Also should have changed slug before going into Usuf’s room.

“ley” should be lay.

Page 32:      “I will never let anybody to harm you.” Take out “to”

Page 33: “I will miss your odor” Get rid of this; it’s a strange thing for a mother to say to her son in this situation. It made me giggle and I don’t think that’s what you’re aiming for?

“sings for him whisperingly.” Take out “whisperingly” if anything try “softly” something like that but to be honest, “sings for him” is enough.

“KABOOM! KABOOM!” Enough of this already, there’s too many IMO.

Page 34: “Your wonderful odor.” Again, this doesn’t sound right and is humorous, you don’t want this.

“paper match” What’s this? Did you mean paper and a match?

“RATATATAT! RAT- AT- TAT! BRATAT!” Come on now, this must be getting into double figures all in 10 pages.

“leis” you mean lies.

Page 35: BLUB! BLUB! BLUB!

“gas” I would say gasoline for this, there’s a difference, it’s hard to pour gas.

Page 40: “You are a good writer.” You’re instead of you are.

“He removes blanket” missing a “the” here

“looks like a fried chicken.” Don’t know about this description, do you really want the reader thinking the protag looks like a fried chicken leg?

Not sure about all the underlining, you do it a lot when it doesn’t feel needed.

“arrive on time” Was they on a time schedule?

Page 41: Close the door from behind you! Take out “from”

“thinks for little and realizes” try “thinks, realizes”

“and whispers him.” Add “to” between whispers and him

Page 42: “EXT. COMPOUND – SAME” change same with continuous.

“Gully finds Rustam upset and hugs him” try “Gully comforts the upset Rustem, hugs him tight”

Okay, didn’t enjoy the Major crying, this has ruined her character for me. You built her up as such a strong willed woman but now she is crying and trying to hide it from Usuf. This doesn’t work for me, it’s changed everything you set her up to be.

Also, that flashback took over 30 pages to finish, it felt too long.

Page 44: “EXT. CITY – DAY” This is not a good slug.

Page 45: “tear fall” should be “tear falls”

Stopped at page 49 today, feel like we’re about to have another mammoth flashback.

Hopefully get to read more during the week depending on bubs appearance?

Hope this helps.

Have a good one.

Steve

Hi Steve.
Thanks again for the notes and read. I rewrote this script for 10000000 times and didn't notice the mistakes you mantioned. I thinks because I know the story by heart and can't focus? I don't kow. I will change the Major's cry as well as other stuf you mentioned. But about Flashback the story is in it. Like Saving privet Rayan.
Thanks a lot man, can't wait to get more of your wisedom that for sure make me a better writer and my script a better script.

Salute
Jahongir.

Hey Jahongir,

Got back into it today and have been left a little bit disappointed I have to admit. I just can’t seem to feel for Usuf at all, Shahlo or their relationship hasn’t been developed enough either. We found out Gully was pregnant and then 2 pages later they were having a baby? This happened too fast, if it was the late stages of pregnancy then we should have known sooner.

The slugs needs a lot of work, I am very confused about where they live and can’t visualise it. The action sentences need a lot tightening, I honestly think this script could be reduced by 15 pages if it was cleaned up. Also there is a lot of telling not showing, I have written a couple of examples in the notes of what I mean but there were few that I didn’t mention.

The grammar’s not as bad as you probably think; it’s more the phrasing and over describing which is letting you down in that department. I’m not saying the grammar’s great, just not as bad as you think it is.

These are the notes I took during the read:

Page 48: “You are welcome.” You’re welcome.
“EXT. COMPOUND DAY (ESTABLISHING) - USUF’S MEMORY”

I don’t think this slug is right to start with? But also, you actually establish nothing, there’s no description of the compound?

“INT. USUF’S ROOM” Is it day? Night? Evening? Morning?

Page 49: “After moments of inner struggle” These sorts of descriptions are a problem. We can’t see inner struggles, show don’t tell.

“Usuf finally stands up and goes to look at the mirror.” These kind sentences need to be tightened. You have 108 pages but I reckon you could easily bring it down to under 100 if you got rid of useless words. “Usuf stands, scowls into the mirror” see what I mean?

“Knock! Knock! A soft knocking on the door wakes him up.” Get rid of knock! Knock! And change knocking to knock and take out up. “A soft knock on the door, wakes Usuf”

Page 50: “She is anoying.” “She’s annoying” but I don’t think this dialogue is needed IMO.

Page 51: “I am sorry.” Seeing lots of “I am” which could be changed to “I’m” like “I’m sorry” reads better IMO

“Shahlo smiles and they walk back to the room.

EXT. COMPOUND”

I thought they were going back to Usuf’s room? Now they’re outside in the compound. The slugs need some attention throughout.
“He finds the right branch of a tree, breaks it accurately” This reads awkward and how do you break a branch accurately? I would reword this.

“I am making a slingshot.” Another I am “I’m making a slingshot”

“Because I am by myself now.” And again here, look out for this.

Shahol keeps saying why? How old is she? She sounds like she’s 4 or 5?

Page 52: “where did they bury my mom?” strange question IMO?

“In the cemetery.” Who would have guessed that answer? Usuf surely would have known this?

Old man is not capitalised on first introduction and give him a name, he speaks more than one line so he needs a name IMO.

Page 53: “Usuf’s eyes are full of tears. He wipes them out.” This needs to be change, reads very wrong. Think you mean wipes them away.

Page 54: “Usuf thanks the old man and they run to the village.” Usuf should be thanking him in dialogue, this is novel writing.

“Sharaf has the ball under his foot which he is about to kick” This reads like he’s about to kick his own foot?

“Sharaf steps on their way” typo, in instead of on.

Page 55: “They had never expected Usuf to speak up.” More telling here.

“Then I will make you to.” take out to.

Having Shahlo and Sharaf as names is very confusing to read, they look so familiar.

“Usuf and Shahlo lay on the ground and hold their stomachs.” Shahlo was slapped, why is she holding her stomach?
That whole action segment needs a lot of work to be honest.

Page 56: “Then he stands up” He’s now stood up twice?

Kid is also not capitalised on first introduction, again give him a name or introduce him earlier.

“Shahlo waits for Usuf nervously. Usuf rushes in and closes
the gate behind him. He leans on the gate. Boys get to the
gate and throw stones at it, yelling and cursing.”
                     BOY # 1
             Open the gate. You coward.

Again, it’s need to be tightened but also, Usuf never locks the gate, why don’t the boys just push it open?

Page 57: “A shepherd from the other side of the lake looks at them and laughs. It is MIRHOJI, 65, tough, but kindhearted man with long gray beard and bald head.” Again, this could be tightened up “MIRHOJI, 65, tough, grey beard with a bald head. He watches them from across the lake, amused.” That’s not the best example but hopefully you see what I mean?

Page 58: “takes his slingshot out of his neck” what’s wrong with a traditional pocket?

Page 59: “EXT. SURFACE” This should just be lake again. Like I said before, your slugs need attention and this scene is desperate for some mini slugs.

“helps” should be help.

Page 62: “Usuf comes in wearing his school uniform and surprise.” How do you wear a surprise?

Page 63: “Don’t start your why questions.” I couldn’t agree more with him.

Page 64: “this puppies around.” The instead this.

“They are so many” no, just 5.

“Shahlo comes up with an idea.” Telling again

Page 65: “takes it up” picks it up would be better.

Page 66: “telling them story.” Instead “ he tells them a story” but again, this is telling.

“sucking on her tits.” Change this! Not good, though I did laugh.

66-68: Mirhoji’s story is so slow and hard to read, the dialogue is too long and the end pun joke is not good IMO.

Page 69: “expecting stomach” I’m guessing she’s pregnant but when did this happen? Did I miss this before?

EXT. COMPOUND - DAY

Usuf enters the house.

This is confusing, is the house outside in the compound?

“Finally Usuf gives him a very cold look and speaks.” Take out and speaks.

Page 70: “Rustam is looks down” take out is.

“Gully is holding a baby on her hands” in instead of on

When you go back to the prison, you should state it’s the end of the flashback. It could confuse the reader.

“That was my dream that never came true...” What was his dream?

“forgive him that.” For in between him and that.

Page 74:          TEACHER
            Usuf. Your bag.

Well at least the teacher was concerned about Gypsy?

I’ve stopped for today at page 75, I will try to finish this up later in the week.

Hope this helps.

Steve.

Hi Steve
Thanks as always for your time, read, comments and generocity. You're right as before and I am preparing myself for a big rewrite. (Thanks to you). No even the teacher doesn't care about Gypsy or Usuf. I did that on porpouse because when I kill them all in the story I don't want the audience to feel bad for anybody. Except the little baby whose death is inavitable. Therefore I didn't mention him much trying to keep distance between him and audience. The reasons why you don't feel for Usuf are two. 1-You are expecting the story to be orthodox. Like hero should have a goal and that goal goes throughout the story. 2-I'm missing something. I will do my best to fix it.  

Thanks and Regards
Jahongir.

Hey Jahongir,

Quoted from Jahon Bahrom I kill them all in the story I don't want the audience to feel bad for anybody. Except the little baby whose death is inavitable.

What!!! You've just told me what's going to happen! Now you've ruined it.

I finished this up today and I must apologise because I haven’t taken any notes, just concentrated on the story.

I’m afraid to say that this final quarter or conclusion was the weakest part in this script sorry to say.

It’s a mess really, I mean a natural disaster destroys everything and everyone leaving only Usuf and Shahlo left alive. This takes away any resolution that might have happened between Rustem and Usuf. Big mistake for me, this story should have had more about this relationship and how a father and son struggle to get to know each other after the death of the mother, wife.

They then move to another town where someone is killing dogs because his son got bitten. Usuf, trying to protect his own dog kills this man and this is why he is in the detention centre. This script has totally changed course and because of this, makes it very confusing. It makes most of what has preceded it unnecessary. What I mean is in the first half, it was about a mother and son relationship, the middle was about a dog and owner relationship. The final part, I have no idea what relationship was happening?

In all honestly, this should have been about Usuf and Shahlo, their relationship should have been the driving force behind this story. I would get rid of all the dogs and concentrate more on their relationship, let it flourish, let Gulley and Rustem care about their relationship and get rid of that natural disaster which throws the story totally out of whack.

I did notice a couple of spelling mistakes but again I do apologise for not taking notes this time.

Page 75: bawl, should be bowl.

Page 84: hoses, should be houses.

Page 85: Wondering, should be wandering.

Page 92: quite, should be quiet.

Overall this needs a lot of work I’m afraid to say, the final act especially IMO.

Hope this helps.

Best of luck with it.

Steve.

p.s Well done for making an effort to review scripts here on SS, keep at it, mate.

Hey Steve.
Thanks once more for the read and  notes. To be honest you are the first one to dislike this tale. Maybe that is because you are the first proffecional who has read it? Or maybe because you think of it as three act Hollywood movie, not foreighn or independent. Anyway thanks for your time and sorry to disappoint you. I will rewrite it and see what can I do to make it fit Hollywood standarts.

Thanks and Regards
Jahongir.

Hey Jagonhir,

Quoted from Jahon Bahrom Maybe that is because you are the first proffecional who has read it?

Firstly, I am not a professional!!! I need to make that abundantly clear, I'm just a beginner learning the trade like you and I learn something new every day.

Quoted from Jahon Bahrom Or maybe because you think of it as three act Hollywood movie, not foreighn or independent.

Maybe this is the case but I stand by what I said in the previous comment. I think you should concentrate on the Usuf and Shahlo relationship, make this the central story arc. Just a thought.

Quoted from Jahon Bahrom sorry to disappoint you.

You certainly didn't disappoint me, it just wasn't for me is all.

At the end of day, it's your story so you will take it where you want but hopefully my feedback will give you some new ideas to think about.

All the best, mate.

Steve

Hi Steve.
Thanks again. The story was about Usuf and Major how they helped each other to overcome the problems they had. It was A Special Case for the Major. For Usuf it was the story of his life and at the age it happend he did not need Shahlo. Now that he is out of prisin and in right age they can and will hang out. That is what he was drawing in the picture, the perfect place for him, which is to be with Lucky and Shahlo around the pine tree. That is where he will build his house so to say. In the other words the movie finishes and Usuf's love story begins, but that is gonna be in the audience's imaginations. Or think of story as having sequell.
Anyway thanks a lot for your read, time and notes. They will surelly help me to make this story and myself better.


Thanks and Regards
Jahon Bahrom.