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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Incognito Au Pair Moderators: bert
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  Author    Incognito Au Pair  (currently 1154 views)
Don
Posted: January 1st, 2012, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Incognito Au Pair by Grace Aggrey-Fynn - Drama - To uncover a murderer, fate made her a victim 93 pages - pdf, format


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Forgive
Posted: January 1st, 2012, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Grace - you're not going to like this, but his script needs a lot of work.

You have not got 'into the head' of your characters - they all sound like they are spoken with the same voice.

You sound like you are new to this (forgive me if I'm wrong), but if that is correct - there is lots of information on the web on how to develop your characters and how to give them distinctive voices.

You are also over-using your wrylys - parentheticals - many of them need to be 'pulled' as they are really action descriptions - a wryly is generally used to interpret how a character will say something - and not what they are doing when they say it.

Hope this helps some.
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