Hey Renee,
Sorry for the delay in getting round to this, was waiting for your reply on the pm.
Well let's start with the good news and this that this was a very clean read, you've done a good job of keeping it neat and tidy and by this I mean punctuation and grammar. You've also cleaned up that final chase sequence and it reads all the better for it.
The majority of the problems with the writing for me were the same as last time which is overwriting, superfluous details and repetitiveness. It bogged down the read making it more strenuous at times but this just my opinion on that and an amateur one at that.
The opening was a lot better, but it does have a few issues like a character speaking that we've never been introduced to. The fact that it opens on a scene that will come into play later on isn’t wrong but maybe needs to be made clear, it would be confusing for the reader and take until 50 odd pages to be revealed what it was all about.
And the biggest flaw in the opening is still the pacing, it’s slow for my liking. It wasn't until after page 30 that things really started to heat up. Maybe you need to throw some conflict into these early pages and keep the reader interested.
The middle section has been changed; we concentrate more on Nicole this time around rather than Eric just happening to bump into her. I'm sure she had journalist job or something in the first draft. I have to admit that I wasn't a massive fan of all the voiceover in this section but maybe this just more preference on my part. I'm also pleased to see you got rid of the clichéd newspaper article which was used in Nicole's reveal last time, and overall you’ve given this middle act a nice little overhaul.
As soon as they were reunited the pace quickens and the final act was a lot smoother than the previous one as well as the writing was leaner. My only gripe would be the whole leave a note for a cop side which was a tad unconventional and didn't make a lot of sense. I mean he could have sent an e-mail or txt message instead of a note.
I had a few problems with small aspects of the story like why a small town has such a rich football team who drive around in fancy cars and live in big houses with pools? If it’s that sort of team then they would be more famous and hence this sort of thing would be impossible to get away with. This might need some explaining.
I have to be honest and say that only Nicole stood out in this one which is good in a way because she's your protagonist but also bad because that means I'm saying no other character shone. Eric is just so soppy and calm throughout except for one punch on a wall and the last fight. The relationship between Eric and Nicole doesn't really get developed enough for me and when there should have been conflict/tension it was avoided. Did they ever argue once throughout or raise their voices to one another? I don't think so but Eric should have been more decisive when he knew something was up with Nicole.
Juzzy was okay as your antag but probably been could have been more devious to be fair but the rest of the team and their partners were...well I don't remember much about them.
Your exposition sometimes felt very on the nose and long-winded like the scene with the partners telling Nicole about Juzzy and Eric's past. And poor old Lucy was just an information tower with no real story or plot of her own. Remember characters need to come alive and not just feel like tools to move your plot forward which unfortunately in both cases above, it felt exactly like that.
So while there is a lot to smile about here, improvements for sure but I still feel there are certain areas that need attention to get this where you want it to be. Spice up your first act, give it some more conflict. Maybe the bad blood between Juzzy and Eric could be shown instead of told, a good old fashioned argument at the BBQ or something.
Try to concentrate more on the personal relationship of Eric and Nicole, why they like each other and so forth. Apart from a montage scene and the proposing, we didn't see a lot of them together. I also think Eric could be given more to do; he comes across very bland at the moment.
And all the other team members and their partners need personality because right now as is they are very forgettable. Why not throw in a B story to do with the team, maybe they’re on a great winning streak, about to win their first championship in years something to raise the stakes of why they are so determined to shut Nicole up.
Wish you all the luck with it and hope this helps.
Some notes to follow:
p.1 "Blues skies." just "blue" skies, not blues.
And now I'm thinking you might need a super here to let the reader know this is before the woman falling from the boat...I know it is because I've read it. I can't remember the time line but something like:
"SUPER: SIX MONTHS EARLIER"
Just a thought unless you're going to confuse some readers.
I remember not liking the character descriptions last time and I'm afraid I haven't change my mind...a lot of telling going on which is okay in small amounts but there is quite a lot for my liking...I think your overdoing it but I guess it's preference.
P.2 "team mates." One word. teammates.
P.3 "throws the football at Eric." I thought Eric had the ball?
3/4 The scene with the ice-cream vendor is what I would describe as overwriting and showing superfluous details and these type of scenes need to be trimmed. I'm a massive offender of this also and it's something to keep watch on.
"She stands, disappointed, looking down at the mess." Why mention her standing? She never sat down.
"She gawks down at the mess, disappointed."
Clothes...she was at the beach? Is she wearing a bikini or just plain clothes? This might need to be made apparent.
P.5 "(to Nicole)" Unnecessary parenthetical here, he wouldn't be introducing himself to Eric me thinks.
P.6 "A small crowd dances on the floor" Look to tighten your action whenever possible "on the floor" is redundant, I never thought they were dancing on the ceiling like Lionel Richie.
P. 7 "you leave this tropical paradise?" Where are they actually? I'm guessing Thailand?
P.10 "Nicole nods her head." Get rid of "her head" it's understood.
P.11 "Sun beams from under the edge of curtains hung above a large window." This reads awkward.
P.13 "Eric passes a coffee to Nicole." What about the cappuccino?
P.14 "CODY, MICK, ROB and PETE, all in their mid 20’s, attractive and cocky." This isn’t a great way to intro these characters IMO, it makes them forgettable, try to spread them out and give them some individuality. I was reading this page once; maybe it could be helpful to you here.
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1301081426/P.15 "Pete biffs the football at Mick and Mick drops his beer." Change "and Mick" with "who" it would make this read a lot cleaner.
It strikes me strange that Eric wouldn't go in with Nicole at the house and introduce her to the ladies...kinda rude don't you think just to leave her to do it.
P.16 Watch out for the “on the nose” dialogue which is redundant…the picture of Juzzy and his dad is more than enough info for later on but they go to tell her that it’s his dad who is chief of police. It feels random to even ask the question “is that Juzzy?” when you consider she’s in his house.
P.18 “mom” or “mum” doesn’t bother me which but choose one and stick to it for consistency.
“It’s really nothing to worry about.” You have to ask why they said anything then? Or why Eric and Juzzy hang around with one another…I’m sure there are other teams to play for.
“bon fire” one word, bonfire.
P.20 “gob smacked” again one word.
My concern so far would be the pacing, not a lot is happening and we’re 20 pages in. There’s already been talk of proposing from the town gossip Lucy yet I haven’t seen enough of the relationship to believe this.
Overwriting is ever present in your writing, a lot of superfluous details and repetitiveness. Examples like:
“Nicole enters through the back door”
“Nicole enters from the hallway”
“Nicole enters the small, quaint, eat in or take away bakery.”
Why not start the scene with Nicole already in the room. Think of when they say entering the scene late and leaving early and try to incorporate that.
P.25 I noticed it before but thought it doesn’t matter but being the picky bastard I am, I’m gonna mention it.
Nicole states “I wouldn’t want to put Lucy through the trouble of having to find someone else.”
So who was the young girl who hired Nicole in the first place at the bakery? Maybe it should be Lucy?
“slats” typo, slaps
P.26 “The Place is packed.” Why is “place” capped?
P.27 “INT. “RODNEY’S” BAR – LATER” No need for the full slug…just LATER would suffice.
P.28 I’m surprised that Eric is happy for Juzzy to drive Nicole home even if Juzzy says he hasn’t had a lot to drink. Also remember that Juzzy was drinking hard liquor before meaning just two/three of them will put him over the limit. Don’t these guys watch the adverts about drink driving?
P.30 “He smiles cunningly” I didn’t like this line…too Disney villain for me.
P.36 “Past that the details are a little sketchy.” I was confused by this line?
P.39 I think Rob was pretty stupid to bring up Juzzy on the phone to Nicole, he’s now implicated himself right.
P.41 “Cody and Mick” Have we met Mick?
P.43 “grow” grown.
P.44 “And we have a winning league” Does she mean team?
P.50 “I assure I can Miss Stanford.” Missing “you” I think after assure.
“pushing you luck” You should be your.
I personally think the chief should have a name, something to give some personality. Just a thought.
“FOOT STEPS” one word.
Do a ctrl-f on the words (walks, towards, begins, enters, sits) and try to change some of these. Every scene does come across as repetitive because of the constant use of these words.
P.54 “looses” loses.
P.56 “It’s” watch out for this when it should be “its”
P.58 “BEGIN FLASHBACK” You’ve changed your technique half way through, it was in the slug before? Again good to be consistent.
“I knew I had limited time frame.” Add “a” after limited.
P.59 Okay I’m just going to stop here and say “plot hole” You’ve got Nicole going back to Eric’s dripping wet meaning mess and then grabbing a duffel bag and belongings. Yes I know she says he wouldn’t notice but please…nobodies that stupid. I think he would notice and remember he’s hanging onto some hope that she’s still alive so why wouldn’t he notice. Any opportunity to believe she’s not dead.
P.61 “walks over her.” Sounds painful, certainly no way to treat a customer.
Where is Nicole getting money from to buy a brand-new laptop? I guess Eric also didn’t notice all the money gone from the shoebox or wherever they hid it? Can’t be from a bank account because then the police would get involved. Dead people don’t use their bank accounts.
P.64 There is way too much voice over for my liking at the moment. I think it needs to be reduced in this segment.
Coach could also do with a name “coach Carter”, not that because it’s a movie but something. I wonder why Nicole didn’t think of going to the coach over the discipline of his players?
“You can’t let you’re emotions” your.
P.68 Is this Ben the same one that sold the laptop to Nicole?
P.71 “INT. BEN’S HOUSE/KITCHEN – NIGHT” Why are they suddenly at Ben’s house? They were originally at Eric’s?
“I’ve got a fantastic photographic memory.” How convenient!
“Eric punches a whole in the wall.” Typo, hole but why isn’t Ben pissed at Eric for punching a hole in the wall.
P.72 “I guess I’ll go to the guest bedroom.” But it’s his house? I think you got slug wrong, easy fix. They were at Ben’s in the first draft though right?
P.74 “should know about lose” typo, should be loss.
P.81 “I don’t know how long I can keep up this façade.” I remember this line, didn’t like it then either…I mean they’ve literally been there 30 seconds.
“She flashes him a cheesy grin.” How do we see this under the mask? What kind of masks are these? Everybody can tell people apart at the moment.
P.84 Ned goes from one office to another but we never change slugs?
P.88 “paper work” one word.
P.91 “Juzzy’s groan” groin.
P.95 “ally” alley.
P.96 “beside table” bedside
Good luck and keep writing.
Steve