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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Blond Bomber Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 14th, 2012, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Blond Bomber by Brandon Coleman - Drama, Thriller - Bethany Linden, housewife and mother of two starts down a most unusual path when she's approached by a former boxing trainer. 131 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  June 16th, 2012, 7:03am
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Coleman
Posted: June 15th, 2012, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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I'd like to thank everyone who takes a gander at my script. Your critique, is you so choose to make one, is very much appreciated.


"After Dark"
"Lie Behind the Eye"
"In Came You"
"Insatiable"
"Bethany"
"The Heartbreaker"

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Coleman  -  June 18th, 2012, 9:20pm
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Forgive
Posted: June 18th, 2012, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Not too sure about this one to be honest. Opening was a little bit all over the place, emotionally and logically.

INT. LINDEN HOUSEHOLD - BEDROOM DOOR - NIGHT
-- isn't a location.

Also you start your page numbering with the title page, and not the first page.
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Coleman
Posted: June 18th, 2012, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for showing some interest, SiColl. If you would I'd like to read how you perceived the opening as scattered?


"After Dark"
"Lie Behind the Eye"
"In Came You"
"Insatiable"
"Bethany"
"The Heartbreaker"
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Forgive
Posted: June 19th, 2012, 7:29am Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Hi - good to see you around - I think if you just look at the emotional rollercoaster they go through within such a short space of time: He beats her, then apologises, while she is scared at first, then tender, then erotic, then wants to part, at which point he becomes possessive and aggressive - it just all feels like an awful lot for such a short space of time, and I think, maybe it's better to go for quality and realisticness rather than almost a numbers game. JMO.
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RJ
Posted: June 20th, 2012, 12:01am Report to Moderator
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I don't have enought time to read it all but I'll let you know what I thought with what I can.

Formatting:
First thing I noticed was the big gap between your first slug and description - very noticable.
I think what you meant with the frist slugline (Correct me if I'm wrong) was meant to be:

INT. LINDEN HOUSE/HALLWAY - NIGHT

Yells and screams are heard from a closed bedroom door.

Etc....

INTERIOR at the end of your MASTER BEDROOM minislug isn't need.

At the end of page 5, when perry is speaking needs to be (MORE) and then (CONT'D) next to his name at the top of page 6.
Full stop at the end of Nichole gently pinches his cheeks

As for the story I was dragged in a little and do want ot read more, but can't right now. I agree with Simon on the opening scene: I like it at first but didn't believe that Beth would be that compasionate with her feelings straight away and I didn't like Perry's outburst after. I thought the scene could have been left with Beth walking out of the room and slamming the door (or something like that) after she throws the necklace at him, it still gives the same vibe of the characters, but with a certain satifation to the scene. I still think Perry and Beth should go through what happened in the rest of the scene, but maybe a couple of scenes later.  
Hope this helps.

Renee
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Coleman
Posted: June 20th, 2012, 4:58am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Forgive
Hi - good to see you around - I think if you just look at the emotional rollercoaster they go through within such a short space of time: He beats her, then apologises, while she is scared at first, then tender, then erotic, then wants to part, at which point he becomes possessive and aggressive - it just all feels like an awful lot for such a short space of time, and I think, maybe it's better to go for quality and realisticness rather than almost a numbers game. JMO.


Perry wasn't beating Bethany in the beginning. Him hitting Bethany was more like a reaction to her encroaching in his space. It's like if someone were to keep pointing his or her finger into your chest while nearly pressing his or her face to yours. Nonetheless, one slap doesn't constitute a beating.

Bethany is compassionate throughout the entire first scene. Her fright isn't timidness, it's shock and anger that Perry would hit her. She's frustrated he won't pay more attention to her. Her asking all of rhetorical questions including the sex one was her being blunt not erotic. I made the scene that way to illustrate her tenderness and compassion and also her confusion at Perry's lack of care.

Perry meanwhile tries to argue logically pointing out material possessions that Bethany should be appreciative of but isn't. His aggression at the end was an illustration of his frustration bubbling over the top. In his mind he's giving Bethany at least two of the things she bluntly pleaded for during the argument: attention (by not letting her leave) and passion (by forcing sex).


"After Dark"
"Lie Behind the Eye"
"In Came You"
"Insatiable"
"Bethany"
"The Heartbreaker"
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Coleman
Posted: June 20th, 2012, 5:09am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RJ
I don't have enought time to read it all but I'll let you know what I thought with what I can.

Formatting:
First thing I noticed was the big gap between your first slug and description - very noticeable.

As for the story I was dragged in a little and do want ot read more, but can't right now. I agree with Simon on the opening scene: I like it at first but didn't believe that Beth would be that compasionate with her feelings straight away and I didn't like Perry's outburst after. I thought the scene could have been left with Beth walking out of the room and slamming the door (or something like that) after she throws the necklace at him, it still gives the same vibe of the characters, but with a certain satifation to the scene. I still think Perry and Beth should go through what happened in the rest of the scene, but maybe a couple of scenes later.  
Hope this helps.

Renee


I genuinely didn't see the extra line of space until you guys just pointed it out. Sorry about that.

As for the scene ending with Bethany walking out the door it may have been powerful imagery but it wouldn't have shown Perry's possessiveness and domineering nature. To add that bit in later would have been repetitive and a bit of overkill.  

Lastly I'd like to thank you and SiColl007 for show interest in my script. I'm glad the story was compelling enough to lure you in to glance at the beginning. As always critiquing is always much appreciated.


"After Dark"
"Lie Behind the Eye"
"In Came You"
"Insatiable"
"Bethany"
"The Heartbreaker"
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Jahon Bahrom
Posted: June 27th, 2012, 1:48am Report to Moderator
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Hey
I read about 10 pages and think its building somewhere, but 131 pages is little bit turn off IMO. Don't make 1 into 100, make 100 into 1.  As for formating... well I don't know much about formating.

Will take another look soon.

Take care

Jahon.
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 27th, 2012, 9:31am Report to Moderator
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Hi Brandon, saw some attention here and decided to give this a spin.

Sorry to say, but I stopped after your intro scene...OK, I lied...I continued on, into the Dental Office scene, which was definitely enough for me to throw in the towel for good.

Let me point out some things that aren't ever going to work for me, and are usually cause for many to stop reading.  It's the little things...the little things that show attention was not really being paid in the writing/editing process.

First off, like someone already mentioned, your page numbering is incorrect, and that's a mistake that IMO, is inexcusable.  So, we start off on the first page, and the very first thing we see is a glaring mistake - a "2" where a "1" should be for the page #.

Then, also as someone already mentioned, your very first Slug is incorrect.  "BEDROOM DOOR" is not a Slug, unless your script is about entities that are small enough to hang out on a bedroom door.  Then, on your first line of actual writing, we're treated to more mistakes.  Check this out - "The bedroom door is closed, but yells and screams are heard from a two voices’.  First of all, it's very awkward.  More importantly though, what's with the "a" in front of "two"?  And why use an apostrophe  after voices?  Why are we even starting in the hallway in the first place?

Next passage also has a glaring mistake that shows me you don't know how to use punctuation.  Why in the world would you use a comma between "loud" and "thud"?

Next Slug is also incorrect, as you try some odd hybrid Full/Mini Slug.

Your description of Bethany has everything we need to know except the most important thing - her age.  You've got to give your readers ages of your characters because without visuals, we have no way of "seeing" your characters in our heads without them.

As someone else mentioned, the way you've worded this initial description, it seems like Beth was just beaten silly by Perry, who again, we have no clue how old he may be.

The rest of the scene just doesn't make alot of sense the way it's written.  I read your response on what's supposed to be going on, but it doesn't come across that way.  It also doesn't come across as remotely believable, based both on the action, and more so on the dialogue.  Look how many times this married couple uses each others names.  That's not how people talk to each other.  This whole first scene "reads" like a soap opera - a bad soap opera.

Your wording is off throughout.  Your punctuation is off.  Your dialogue is way off.  It doesn't come off as remotely realistic - so overly dramatic, so "staged", so obviously leading to where this story wants to go.

I have to point this out on Page 2 - Check out Beth's dialogue - "When did we last cuddled? When is the last time you gave me a hot, passionate, fuck?" - "cuddled" should obviously be "cuddle"  Speak the next line out loud a few times and tell me what's wrong with it, other than being downright ridiculous?  You see how robotic it sounds, as written?  How unrealistic?

It's these "little" things that make a big difference.  IMO, no one should post a script until they've read it over at least 10 times, if not many more.

OK, finally, let's talk about the 131 page length.  If you don't know, I'll tell you, 131 pages is way too long for a Spec script.  120 is too long even, but if it's good, you could get away with it.  You've got to shoot for 100 pages and under, really.  Most people overwrite.  Most 131 page scripts are really only 100 pages, when you clean up all the mistakes and get down to what really matters.  You may hear some peeps bitch about a script being to long at various lengths over 100 pages, but I can guarantee you that everyone will "know" a script is too long if it's over 120 pages. You literally have to cut this down under 120 pages, first.  Then under 110 pages.  And finally, somewhere around 100 pages.

Wish I cold go on and read the whole thing, but I know what I'd be getting myself into and based on what I did read, I know I don't want to go on for another 125 pages.  I hope this does help you, though.  I don't mean to be harsh, but I also don't beat around the bush.  This needs work and attention, but based on what I read, it can easily be fixed up, but you have to be willing to put in the time and effort and be passionate about your writing.

Take care.
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Coleman
Posted: June 27th, 2012, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for your critique, Dreamscale. You pointed out a few things I saw wrong after posting and most of those changes have been made. The only two things I disagree with is the conflict at the beginning of the story, which began as a verbal argument between the couple and escalated to Perry hitting Bethany once. There weren't multiple strikes. So how could it be an asskicking? The other is time spent and care. Every story I write is written several times testing different dialogue and action scenes. I assume the majority of my errors are due in part to editing and re-editing. I never halfheartedly write anything.


"After Dark"
"Lie Behind the Eye"
"In Came You"
"Insatiable"
"Bethany"
"The Heartbreaker"
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 27th, 2012, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Coleman
Thank you for your critique, Dreamscale. You pointed out a few things I saw wrong after posting and most of those changes have been made. The only two things I disagree with is the conflict at the beginning of the story, which began as a verbal argument between the couple and escalated to Perry hitting Bethany once. There weren't multiple strikes. So how could it be an asskicking? The other is time spent and care. Every story I write is written several times testing different dialogue and action scenes. I assume the majority of my errors are due in part to editing and re-editing. I never halfheartedly write anything.


Hey Brandon.  Whenever someone responds to feedback, it's a good sign, and based on that, I'll respond back to yours as well.

Keep in mind that we don't see this "conflict".  We enter the scene with Beth on the ground, "doubled over" against a dresser.  How did she get down there?  Why is she down there?  The assumption is that she was just beaten.  We don't know how many strikes there were or weren't.  There is mention of Perry "raising his hand" to her, but no one can know the inner workings of any couple, especially a fictional one.

I'm sorry if you took what I said to mean that I was telling you that you did a half-ass job here.  Editing and re-editing can be tricky and you really need to make sure what you think you corrected was actually corrected, thus the multiple reads being required, sometimes over and over.

Some peeps have serious trouble with punctuation, so you're not alone, my friend.  But glaring errors on the first few pages is a red flag that is unavoidable.

Others have trouble with dialogue and that's understandable as well.  I'm continually shocked by atrocious dialogue in big budget flicks all the way down to no budget flicks.  I just don't understand for the life of me how peeps can't "hear" what's wrong with the dialogue when they're actually acting it out, let alone as it's being written.  I always say, read it out loud several times and try and get into the actual character as you speak their lines.  It really helps.

OK, sorry to come off as harsh.  Nothing personal.  OK?
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Coleman
Posted: June 27th, 2012, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
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I know it wasn't personal and I do prefer bluntness as opposed to timidness. There's no need to apologize. We are all hear to critique, share our thoughts, and grow as writers. Punctuation is something I seriously need to check thoroughly in my writings.  


"After Dark"
"Lie Behind the Eye"
"In Came You"
"Insatiable"
"Bethany"
"The Heartbreaker"
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