All right.  Back to it now... finally.  :-)

Not quite sure I like the doctor coming out of nowhere and visiting.  Sounds like he's trying to make a move on her.

Pg. 74  -  The whole Rhonda scene reads very weird and just doesn't seem right.

And now the father's having a heart attack out of nowhere?  I think the story's starting to get too muddled with too many things going on.  I think you're trying to pull too many heart-strings at once and it's taking away from the power of the main storyline.  (Plus, I notice he's all magically better in a couple of pages anyway.  That bit seems kind of pointless.)

Pg. 83-  Throughout the whole story, the balance of the piece is off.  One minute it's romantic cheesy comedy, then it's heavy drama, then it's suspense murder, then it's drama again, and now it's turning into a raunchy buddy buddy road trip movie with Russ and Tori.  'Hell yes!  ... Let's do this shit!'  They just heard they're friend's doing horrible and they get excited about a road trip?  The tone shifts have been just too jarring throughout the whole story.

Pg. 88 -  Ah?  They have to go look for Remy?  I thought Russ and Tori already knew Remy was coming home today?  Why don't they just go back to her house and meet her there?

All right, I'm forced to stop here at page 100 before I can finish the rest.  Talk to you soon.

- Mark

Pg. 105  -  How would a random nurse who we've never met before know who Vicki is to know she's already on the other side of the hospital?

Pg. 106  -  So the vase was examined for prints.  Wouldn't Vicki's be on it, too?  A lot more needs to be added to come off as believable.



Not a bad ending.  Like I said, a lot of things going on here are a little too outrageous to believe for a drama, but there are elements here to make a very decent little film once all the fat is chewed out of it and the writing is scaled down from novel-like to more like a screenplay.

Tori and Russ I still never connected with and thought they were kind of a waste of space.

I did really like Remy and Dylan, though, so you built their character nicely.  I even liked Casey, too, although her character was a bit uneven and could also use some work.

The police, (Detective Maxwell and them), definately need brushed up.  They do a lot of things that are pretty impossible to buy.

You got a pretty good start here and the core of a decent story, Curt.  I'll be more than happy to check it out again after your clean-up and changes.  Hopefully some of what I brought up will help you out some.

Not a bad attempt here.  It seems you have the passion for good story-telling.  Like I said, I can't wait to keep an eye on your future works.

- Mark

Hi Curt,
great to see a fellow writer from Northern Ireland on here.
ive read the first few pages and will get into it more very soon.
wont give any thoughts until i read more

-Gavin

Hi Curt,

Ive finally finished it and apologise its taken so long for feedback.

Im not gonna contemplate on grammar/spelling/format too much as I'm sure its all been mentioned above, although I haven't read all the comments.

The story itself is very well crafted, you are a talented writer and have obviously thought long and hard about the intricacies of this script. The characters felt real and for me that is one of the most important aspects of any spec.

The dialogue for the most part was believable however I did feel that sometimes you were trying just a little too hard to be quirky. Kids of this age are not always gonna be able to converse in this way, but in general I think you did a decent job.
Its effective and consistent with the tone of the piece and I like your ability to demonstrate moments of comedic respite, although again i believe some of the humour is a little forced in certain situations. I do love the cheeseburger without the cheese line.

I think the script was a little too meaty and overwritten at times. Maybe you're thinking TOO much about what we see on the screen instead of moving the story forwards through your writing. Do you know what i mean? If you omit camera angles, trimmed down the action lines and even cut some possibly unnecessary scenes, I think you really have something here.

The ending was never really gonna be a surprise but the way that you orchestrate and deliver it is very admirable and again it proves you have a real talent. i loved the way you tie it altogether. Although I must say I didn't believe the set-up with Vickie's sudden sense of guilt after Dylan simply asks her to confess..

There were quite a few errors, which like I've said Im sure have been mentioned and Im sure you've picked up on during rewrites etc..

its obvious you read a lot of scripts and the way you write is quite casual, which is good don't get me wrong, but I would encourage you to find YOUR voice. Sometimes your descriptions were a little too casual and flimsy for a spec. I hope you know what I mean by that. Its difficult to hit the nail on the head I know.

Overall, i think the writing is good. The story is good and for the most part the characters are good. If this is indeed your first feature then I think you can be quite happy with yourself. if you cut it down but keep the heart and the message of the story alive then its a thumbs up for me.

Good luck on the rewrites mate

-Gavin