Thanks Steve, I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's a dark, surreal piece, but the draft that was previously posted was even darker, so I changed a few things to make the ending not seem quite as grim. In the last draft, everybody died, lol. Hopefully this draft is an improvement.

Thanks for the read, man. Don't really have anything else posted on this site recently, but check out the 30-second teaser for the feature film I wrote, The Suicide Theory (recently produced). It's featured on the simply scripts home page. Like the page on facebook!

Hi mate, I read 36 or so pages of this and although it is a quick read not enough happens to keep me interested. After reading some of the reviews I was expecting something a little more hardcore, so maybe that was a factor. The clipped sentences with afterthoughts after full stops makes the read stop and start rather than flow. There are a lot of places where you have used a full stop when you could or even should have used a comma. I understand that is your style and I can get past it, it just makes the read very impersonal, lacking voice.

I found the scene where the Dominatrix smashes him over the head with a bottle a little over the top. Just because he doesn't feel pain doesn't mean he can't be damaged. He could still get knocked out.... and having been hit over the head with a bottle myself I was concussed for three days. I didn't actually get knocked out either. You confuse not feeling pain with not taking any real damage. Smashing your own head off the table could cause more damage than just your face.

It is a very quick read and I fear that is because it is dialogue driven so may be even shorter than 90 minutes when filmed.

The dialogue flows really well and is what kept me reading so far.

Thanks for giving it a go, Dustin. The script isn't exactly plot driven, it's more of a character piece.

As for my writing style, I see what you're saying. I've been through many phases as a writer, some of my earlier work is more purpley prosy. And I've written for producers who prefer that style. I've also written for producers who prefer a more straight forward approach -- a script is a blue print for a film.

And after reading a ton of scripts, produced and unproduced, and receiving feedback on many of my own works, I feel the straight forward style (lacking prose) is more effective in allowing the reader/audience to visualize the story using their own judgment. I don't like telling the reader HOW they should visualize something, but more of the straight forward approach - WHAT they are visualizing.

To me, written description and action is like an offensive lineman in American football... the less you notice them (or hear their names in football), the better. I feel the focus should be on the story and characters. Not that I'm against great description writing, because I'm not. And I admire those who do write great, vivid description, but that's just my approach/philosophy.

You say it's a quick read, and though there is some scenes that are more dialogue driven, part of the reason I feel that it's such a quick read is because my descriptions and action blocks aren't prosy as some other scripts.

As for the clipped sentences, I use the periods rather than commas to simulate BEATS in the action. Though a comma may represent a BEAT, a period represents a longer beat, and I feel it helps to dictate what we're seeing and when we're seeing it. The periods, in a way, represent camera shots and when the camera shot shifts to and focuses to another object or reaction.

And when the dominatrix smashes the bottle over his head... sure, it may be a little over the top, but I pictured this film (and wrote it) as a surreal experience. In films, how many times to do you see someone get smashed with a bottle and keep on keeping on? It's a film, and I was going for the surreal Indie feel.

And with this disease, the person with the disease, can't feel pain. They can't feel irritation -- which means in a lot of cases, they can't cough or sneeze because coughing and sneezing are reactions to irritation. Also, someone with this disease (in a lot of cases) can't feel the urge to urinate. So the effects from a concussion wouldn't be as intense. He takes damage, and perhaps he should feel woozy, but there is not that feeling of nausea that some victims of concussions may feel. If he were to get knocked out, he would just get knocked out. There wouldn't be any lingering warning signs. There may be a moment of wooziness, but the unconsciousness would almost immediately occur.

Thanks again for the read Dustin, sorry it didn't hold your interest, but thanks for reading as far as you did and offering your opinion. Always appreciated, and I'll keep a lot of what you mentioned in mind.

Yeah it's a different context when a guy gets hit during a fight. This woman understands pain so she above all should know how dangerous it can be. Hitting someone over the head could cause brain damage, even kill them in the right circumstances. I get that she's a dominatrix and that this is a surreal piece I just feel that she hitting him with the bottle turns it into comedy as it is such a nonsensical thing to do. It spoiled the mood for me and was honestly what lifted me out of the story. I started looking for other holes, skipped to the end and didn't really get the feel that I would be interested in what came in between. A part of me feels this would be better as a short, especially as it is a surreal piece.

I commend you on an original piece of work though. And perhaps, that is what I don't like about it. You can't please 'em all.

To me, written description and action is like an offensive lineman in American football... the less you notice them (or hear their names in football), the better. I feel the focus should be on the story and characters. Not that I'm against great description writing, because I'm not. And I admire those who do write great, vivid description, but that's just my approach/philosophy.

Totally agree. Action is important because film is visual but way too much emphasis is put on it when it comes to reading.

Personally, I love the clipped sentence style. Reminds me a lot of Tony Gilroy, who I believes writes the most efficient action out there.

I really like your action sequences. Quick and to the point.

Yeah, I really like Tony Gilroy's style as well. Most produced scripts I read use similar methods to writing action these days. I'd breeze through those scripts in 45 minutes without even noticing it, so I kind of adapted that style of writing.

Thanks Insider901, any thoughts on the script? It seems to be a love it or hate it at this point, definitely not for everybody. But hey, it's very original IMO.

It seems that my point has been missed. I'm pretty sure I didn't mention anything about better description or anything of the like.

I pointed out that there are places where he should have used a comma over a full stop, purely because it makes the read stutter and ruins flow. A comma, reads faster than. a. full. stop. Particularly when he uses one-word sentences that could easily be attached onto another sentence with a comma. I just think it's taken too far in places.

Here's an excerpt from Michael Clayton. Now, this is just an example, I'm not saying I'm anywhere near the writer he is, but there is plenty of parts where a comma "should" be used. And I've noticed this more and more in produced screenplays over the years.

INT. THE MERCEDES -- NIGHT

MICHAEL driving. Escaping. Running from more than Mr. Greer and Jerry Dante. More than just a bad night boiling behind his eyes. Driving hard and wild. Turning suddenly and --

EXT. WESTCHESTER COUNTRY ROAD -- NIGHT

THE MERCEDES racing along.

INT. THE MERCEDES -- NIGHT/PRE-DAWN

MICHAEL -- turning again -- aimless -- windows open -- cold air whipping through -- braking suddenly -- impulsive -- turning -- suddenly -- faster now and --

EXT. NEW COUNTRY ROAD -- PRE-DAWN

First light. A smaller road. THE MERCEDES speeding past large estates tucked back in the fog and deep woods.

EXT. THE FIELD -- DAWN

A HUGE OPEN PASTURE. Surrounded by forest. The sun just starting to rise. Cold mist hanging over the whole valley. Nothing but gray and green. Stark. Perfect.  THE MERCEDES speeding toward us -- climbing around the turn -- eating up the valley road that runs along the pasture -- but suddenly the car is slowing -- braking hard and --

INT. THE MERCEDES -- DAWN

MICHAEL pulling to a stop. Staring out the window.

EXT. THE FIELD -- DAWN

MICHAEL getting out of the car. Standing there. THREE HORSES poised at the crest of the pasture. Hanging there in the fog like ghosts.

MICHAEL jumping the fence. Walking slowly into the field. Behind him, the MERCEDES with the engine running. THE HORSES aware of him now. Watching him come.

Yes, a comma does read faster, but as I've explained, some of the beats in the action/reaction (now, this is just my opinion, not saying that your way is wrong and my way is right) required a full stop rather than a just pause.

Mr. Gilroy does tend to do a few "no-nos" and other things some screenwriters often frown upon, but the clipped sentences are very common in scripts today, and reading this script (Michael Clayton), I get a clear picture of what he's describing - isn't that the point when writing description? Now, I don't agree with everything he does, he tends to write a lot of things not seen on film, but his style is effective, nonetheless.

I consider my use of them in this script to be tame compared to Mr. Gilroy's use of them in scripts such as Michael Clayton and the Bourne films.

Whether or not someone liked my story, the one consistent positive I've received is that it is a very fast read. And yes, there are some dialogue driven scenes which do speed up the pace, but I feel my style of writing action is also a reason why it's such a fast read.

However, I do respect your opinion Dustin. Each writer has their own style of writing and each reader has their own preferences of what they like/dislike about one's writing style.

Yeah... my post was in response to being misunderstood. I wasn't trying to push the point that either of us are wrong. I certainly understand where you are coming from. I tend to use the double dash myself a lot now... and those are what I'd use, rather than a comma, for an aside -- or an addition to a sentence already well structured.

I like those no-no's. They help make us individual and they also help us communicate with the readers.

You also may not be as well known as Mr Clayton, but you certainly write just as well. I found no issue with your writing aside from that little comma thing.

I also don't mind everyone dying. Perfect arcs. My favourite because they're just so easy.

Quoted Text You also may not be as well known as Mr Clayton, but you certainly write just as well. I found no issue with your writing aside from that little comma thing.

Wow, thanks dude, one of the best compliments I've ever received. Hopefully, I keep improving and it takes me somewhere one day (sooner than later hopefully).

Quoted Text I also don't mind everyone dying. Perfect arcs. My favourite because they're just so easy.

Haha, it is a perfect arc. They start out the story alive. And how do they change by the time the story ends? They die.

Gave this a read. Very interesting stuff. Obviously, it's a very dark subject and most of the characters are extremely flawed. I had not heard of this condition until a couple of years ago when i watched "The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest."

Anyway, I think the use of your flashbacks was good, the there one that I thought was bordering on too long but i don't remember the page number.

You write dialogue very well, and as we discussed, your Tony Gilroy style of action is my personal favorite. Makes scripts much easier to read.

Sorry, got kicked off line.
This script really started to get my attention in the scene with Agony and Darko. It’s good, messed up, and funny, all in one.
Pg 28: I thought you got a little long winded on the dialogue when Agony saks Early if he’s a psycho murdered or something. I think you could eliminate a couple lines there and that scene would flow very well.
Pg 52: Thought you did the same thing when Agony was trying to call Melinda. I think you can delete the first three lines of dialogue and open with Agony’s line, “Melinda, it’s me.”
Pg 55: Really interesting visual when you think about Melinda watching Agony, and bringing home this boy who is wearing a gown and bleeding. Good stuff.
Pg 61: Excellent transition from one scene to another. You also did a great job of this on the end of Pg 74.
Pg 71: As well as you write dialogue, I thought Daddy’s explanation about how he wasn’t dead really got into some serious exposition. Then again, not sure what to recommend here. You use a lot of flashbacks, have more coming at the end, so not sure one here would help.
This dialogue didn’t seem to be on par with the rest of your script.
Obviously, the payoff for Early’s condition is how he slips the cuffs. Very well done. Only thing I can think of like it is when Mel Gibson dislocates his own shoulder in lethal Weapon 2.
Probably would’ve liked to see someone live at the end. 
Must say,  really good story. Very quick read.

The realtiosnhip between Agony and Early is fascinating considering his condition and her occupation. Would've liked to have seen them end up together.

Thanks for the feedback, insider 901, it's much appreciated. I'm glad you enjoyed the story despite how dark it was.

I'm glad you caught some things I had suspicions about. That scene with Agony and Early (the one where you suggested the dialogue to be cut down) is an example. I'm actually having a reading at this theater spot in NYC, and those first two scenes with Agony and Early are the excerpts from the script I chose (more actor friendly because it's heavier on the dialogue). And to meet the 10 page limit, I actually did cut down on some blocks of dialogue and realized it actually read better that way. Thanks for confirming that that spot needed some tinkering, I'm glad I changed it

And I agree with Daddy's dialogue being too expository, I'll definitely tone that part down a little bit.

In the first draft, I actually had EVERYBODY dying. Literally. So in this draft, I decided to keep his mother Tina alive. Though not entirely redeeming, I feel it gives the protag (Early) more hope, though Agony getting killed off was a little bit heartbreaking.

Thanks again for the read, glad you enjoyed it. And thanks for the notes as well. I will definitely consider your suggestions in future drafts.

If you have any work posted on here, I'd be more than happy to give it a look see.

Honestly, I see no reason why you can't get this made. It's not for everyone but it really is good. It'd try to lighten up some of the ending but those are pretty minor changes.