Hey Kev,

Thanks for the read, dude, appreciate it. I'm glad you enjoyed it as much as you did. It gets pretty dark later in the story... I just hope there wasn't too much of a shift in tone... I tried to set the tone in the first scene. I was going for that dream like, surreal effect.

The bar scene I really liked but I'm not sure if it's just me but saying the lights dim for just them kind of threw off the original vision I had of the bar, it seems a bit corny and unlikely for the dive that they are in. From what I got, the spotlight thing seems more of an aesthetic choice but I didn't feel it was necessary and it kind of took me out of the moment a bit.

This is more of a fantasy sequence while staying grounded in reality. I'm not sure if you've ever seen "Buffalo 66" but there's a scene with Christina Ricci that kind of comes out of nowhere where a spotlight turns, some whimsical music starts playing and she tap dances.

The spotlight turning on in the bar was used to reflect what was going on inside their heads - they felt like they were the only ones in the room/world. There wasn't an actual spotlight or anything.

In the climatic scene in the motel where Daddy comes into the picture, I kept forgetting that Darko was in the room until he jumps on Early's back. This is a simple fix, but I would just add a few action lines stating that he looks over or something just a bit more often to keep the reader aware of his presence.

Yeah, I only had a few lines - there's one where he's touching himself and another where he shuts the door. Maybe I'll add another action line or so.

The only other thing that I felt went a little unmentioned was the wounds that Early has towards the end here. After the motel scene, where Early shots himself through his shoulder (which I think was great by the way), he should be losing quite a bit of blood and though he can't feel it, it should be more of a concern. When Early returns home and sees Tina, there isn't really any mention of Early's wounds or at the hospital, no one seems to be checking him for medical attention and I thought that seemed a little unrealistic.

Yeah, I was going for the surreal feel while having the story exist in the real world. Kind of like in "Drive" where Gosling's jacket keeps getting bloodier and bloodier while nobody mentions anything.

And the scene with Tina, the focus was more on Tina, who was just attacked and is now about to give birth... plus, Early has Agony's jacket on, covering his wounds at that point.

Thanks for mentioning some of the typos, I'll get on that right away.

And thanks for your feedback. You've mentioned a lot of things that other people who've read this failed to mention, i.e. The wounds not really coming into effect later in the story (I kept waiting for somebody to mention this).

I'm glad you recognized some of the smaller things I wanted to get across... the contrast of the normal teenagers (dressed for prom) compared to Early (an odd kid)... the theme of pain and how each character deals with a different kind of pain... and recognizing how the dark, violent climactic scene explains a lot about the Agony character... and the classical music as well.

Thanks again, Kev... when you post a rewrite for Tumbleweed, let me know, I'll give it a look...

-- Michael

I'm about half way through, but outside circumstances are making it hard for me to read the whole thing.  I am thoroughly enjoying it, however, and would say it's one of the more engaging scripts I have come across on here.  I really like the writing -- good stuff.

I'll have to put it on the back burner for now but I will finish.  

Quoted Text I'm about half way through, but outside circumstances are making it hard for me to read the whole thing.  I am thoroughly enjoying it, however, and would say it's one of the more engaging scripts I have come across on here.  I really like the writing -- good stuff.

Thanks, man, glad you're enjoying it so far, appreciate the compliment. Looking forward to your feedback!

Quoted Text I'll have to put it on the back burner for now but I will finish.

Take your time, dude. I'll be around

If anybody else wants to exchange reviews or wants me to check out their script, let me know...

-- Michael

Hey Michael. Finally shook off Maryland Deathfest's very long hangover and finished up your script. Here's some notes to kick off my review (forgive the typos; this'll probably take me a while to write)...

pg. 1 - EXT. VIEW FROM A BRIDGE - Not quite a legit slug. Poor way to kick off your script. I'd change it to EXT. LAKE and insert VIEW FROM A BRIDGE after it.

- Would cut "The sun reflects off..." and place it after the first line. You can cut the following description of the sky and all that; "The sun reflects..." sort of implies that.

- EARLY (4) - Call him YOUNG EARLY perhaps?

- IN THE WATER - I found the description following this to be quite clunky. Is Early bobbing up and down? Sinking? How can he plunge into the water if he's already in the water? Somewhat confused here. I'd take a look.

Also, if we're in the water, how is Winston visible underwater? Is this Early's P.O.V. You also use the word "indiscernible. That would basically negate Winston's identity, wouldn't it? Check it out.

pg. 2 - "Candles lit." - Watch out for orphans (in this case, "lit"). There were many in this script. I think you could tighten things up considerably by eliminating them. It's simpler than you think to do so.

- "They exude warmth and kindness." - What? The candles? If so, why does this phrase have its own line? It should come after "Candles lit" (would fix your orphan up, for sure).

This was a reoccurring problem throughout. Try to base your paragraphs around "ideas" so as they're not broken up haphazardly. That doesn't mean you can't break them up at all, of course.

- You might have noticed at this point that I get nitpicky. Feel free to take me with a grain of salt; I'm not perfect myself. I just like to provide writers with thorough and robust reviews that don't gloss over anything and I'm also a huge advocator of strong formatting and language on top of that. It affects your presentation and readability, even if it's on a subconscious level, and thus is highly important.

- (re: off silence) - I have no idea what this is supposed to be.

- He'd have to do *a lot* of *hard* banging to draw blood. I don't think a smooth, presumably wood tabletop would do it this easily.

pg. 3 - The specialist should reveal that Early cannot feel pain and then go into the details as opposed to the other way around. He's probably trying not to stress or confuse these guys.

- "Is this common." - Silly question. Just have the doc say it's extremely rare without having to be asked.

pg. 4 - How can this disease affect less than one in one million people? I understand it's rare but that phrase basically says it doesn't affect anyone. I'd say one in 10 million or something.

pg. 7 - "A shy awkward type." - You can lose this; it'll manifest itself in the story accordingly.

pg. 9 - Head-banging again. See above. Those hollow elevator walls are going to be even less likely to draw blood from Early's head.

pg. 13 - I think you can cut out this opening description of Central Park. Most people know what it's like or should have an idea.

- I'm starting to have issues with the melodrama throughout the script but I'll get to that later. This scene in the hospital particularly bugs me though. It doesn't feel realistic at all. This teen girl's going to prom so she's presumably 17 or 18. I'm pretty sure she'd be able to understand how serious it is to be hit by a car. That doesn't mean she won't be upset and doesn't even mean that she won't think it's unfair or that it might have been her dad's fault or what not but her reaction is way too over the top (wishing her dad had died especially). I'd go for something slightly more subtle. I mean, the fact that she's wearing a dress explains half of it already.

Steven's reaction is equally outrageous. Again, I wouldn't expect him to be reasonable or even thinking straight but he hit a kid with his car. I can't imagine many people would react this way, let alone threaten to kill someone, unless they were completely insane.

- Early is awful nimble, running around and such, after being hit by a car. No pain perhaps but his body might not be in the best shape at this point. I'd make some sort of mention of this.

pg. 19 - I realize Early can't feel pain but he should at least understand this is a problem, especially being 18, hence I would expect him to be more careful. When someone breaks a glass, everyone notices. It's just an unmistakable sound. I'm not saying Early shouldn't cut his feet (in a crowded bar, it'd probably be difficult to spot all the glass anyway) but he should notice the glass break. At this point, it seems he walks straight into it.

pg. 22 - "I'm constipated." - Not particularly funny IMO. Not sure if it makes sense either. I mean, if this is part of the package, wouldn't he have tried to take care of this somehow? I'd just say he can't shit. But whatever. Not a big deal.

pg. 23 - Why is Agony rolling a joint in a diner? Conspicuous much. I mean, I suppose you've made no mention of how many people are in the diner, what time it is, or anything like that. But it makes me wonder. I'm guessing this isn't the diner from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

- Colossal nitpick here but does grunge even have a big patch culture? To each his own, of course, but if I ever saw anyone with Soundgarden or STP patches, it'd certainly be a first for me. Melvins maybe but me thinks it's definitely more of a metal/punk thing (Agony strikes me as metal). Of course, most script readers probably have no idea so just consider this FYI and disregard if you like.

- A peculiar conversation Early and Agony have here. It feels somewhat forced and exposition-y. I'd try to make it more natural sounding.

At this point, I realize I've taken many more notes than I expected and it's taken me quite some time to get them organized. I'll be back with more later...

CONT'D

pg. 27 - "Are you a psycho murderer or something?" - Strange response. He *just* said he had a genetic disorder.

pg. 28 - "Kinky." - Too obvious?

- I've never been a big fan of character names like OLD GUY. Even OLD MAN would've been better but even then, these sorts of names feel lazy. Someone brought up a couple months ago in some thread that you can name characters after physical attributes or items of clothing they might have. I don't think this is a bad approach. You could call this guy BLINDFOLD for example. Or better yet, you could name him after his safe word (QUASIMOTO)

- It's Quasimodo BTW.

pg. 31 - "I don't know why I even picked up my phone." - Strange line. How else is she supposed to get clients?

- I think Agony might need a little more talking into as far as hitting Early with the bottle. Pain is the least of his worries (naturally); he could get a concussion. That's a lot of repercussion Agony would have to put up with. It's also not so easy to break a bottle over someone's head; might take more than one blow.

pg. 34 - "I'm not completely sold." - Really? She just broke a bottle over someone's head.

- Again, no pain but no doubt a stun gun would lock up Early's nervous system and make him fall. He wouldn't just stand there.

Writing this, I'm actually starting to notice a lot of these kinds of inconsistencies. Just because someone doesn't feel pain doesn't mean that there won't be physical repercussions t0 what happens to their body. I'd keep this in mind.

pg. 40 - How does he say his safe word with a gag on?

- What is up with these clients anyway? They tucker out so quick. I figured they'd be down for what Agony has to offer. I mean, it's not like there isn't a business for sadomasochism.

pg. 47 - "Naked bed" implies "no sheets." No need to repeat yourself.

pg. 48 - Who the hell is the Nathan guy and why would he punch a kid in the face? A little much IMO.

pg. 52 - "You need to go home, Early!" - LOL (just saying; line is fine).

- Why wouldn't Agony explain the situation if she's going to let Early tag along?

pg. 55 - Wouldn't Melinda want to stop Early's bleeding? I mean, if she's going to complain about it, you'd think she'd want to.

- Why isn't Tina worried about where her son is?

pg. 64 - "Is he the one that's after you?" - Obviously.

pg. 78 - I take it Early's never killed anyone before yet he doesn't seem to react. I imagine he might feel sick or something.

- You use a lot of music throughout your script, both diegetic and non-diegetic. If music's playing in the background, that's fine but some readers might take issue with the non-diegetic sound. I don't but I figured I'd mention it regardless.

As it happens, I totally see where you're coming from. I write features with entire soundtracks in mind and the music I listen to whilst developing a script has a huge influence on its content. I'd include tracks myself if I didn't think it'd distract readers or turn them off.

pg. 81 - "I think... I think I need a doctor." - No shit. Silly line. I'd rephrase.

Okay. So this was sort of a strange script for me. It had many issues with it but ultimately I enjoyed it. I think the strangeness, the odyssey-like progression, and the more vulnerable moments with the characters kept me engaged. This is not usually the case.

My biggest issue was with the melodrama. I think when done right, melodrama can work really well but it needs to be logical and carefully placed. I think with a lot of scenes here, that was not the case.

Many of the earlier arguments with Early and his adoptive parents escalated to tears, screams, or things said that might be regretted seemingly with the drop of a hat. It was almost like there was dialogue missing from the scenes. Early screaming at Tina for not being his mother for example. What prompted him to say that? Arguments in real life don't start with people dropping the biggest bombs right off the bat. They escalate.

Fred flipping out in the hospital was similar. He goes from calling his son kiddo one minute to screaming why life is so short the next. Now sometimes people do keep their pain buried in their gut and it can explode at unexpected moments but this didn't feel like one of those situations; it's just awkward.

Crying should be used sparingly. It can be very powerful sometimes but it loses that power when it's used excessively. Tina cries so much within just a few pages, it was as if she does this all the time. Left Hand Paths had some issues with this as well so I'm not entirely off the hook. I'm just saying pick the moments where it's best to have emotions escalate and hold back a little otherwise so that those moments can breathe some.

Sometimes the melodrama came out in different forms e.g. Steven screaming at Early or how violent Agony's family are right off the bat. They seemed from another story pretty much. This clearly isn't supposed to be Devil's Rejects and yet Daddy and Nathan were needlessly violent. They would more intimidating if they were less in your face and sporadic and more developed (not knowing anything about them, the violent outbursts didn't quite make sense).

Some lines didn't quite come out right, sounded forced or on the nose. "Maybe if I close my eyes, I'll wake up and everything will be okay." - This is an idea that you want to communicate, not say outright. It didn't even seem like Agony was saying this to anyone in particular. Fortunately lines of this nature were minimal. Overall dialogue was okay but could be better, for sure.

My second biggest issue was that while I think you had a lot of strong themes and interesting ideas, they didn't really tie together. The second scene with Early and Steven was clunky but poignant e.g. a guy who can't feel physical pain who understands other forms of pain and can connect in a way. This hinted at an interesting theme but it just wasn't fully realized or consistent, leaving this one scene feeling incidental. That said, I do think pain is a theme here. Everyone in the story seems to feel it. But perhaps you need to get more specific and get your elements to connect a little better.

The sadomasochism theme was actually more problematic for me. Agony is in the business of pain and yet she thinks Early has a gift for not feeling it. It seems like this is the basis on which that can relate. Frankly, I think you got it all backwards. Agony's clients receive pleasure from pain (why else would they seek her out) and hence she and Early are incompatible. I thought Agony helping Early feel physical pain might be a road you'd go down. I also thought Agony might feel sorry for Early and would seek to connect with him out of sympathy as to her, it's like the equivalent of someone not being able to orgasm.

These were the ideas that made the most sense to me based on what I know about sadomasochism and it seems like you went the opposite of all that. It didn't make sense to me. I think you'll need to do some more research. Even so, I don't think the theme was capitalized on enough even if none of these issues were in place.

Finally, I liked the setup for the story with Winston but it didn't seem to go anywhere or tie into the main story. I also didn't understand how Winston would think Early was his savior only to turn on him and his family in the end. I mean, Early was four. How could he be expected to remember this guy?

Unlike the other issues, I've brought up, I actually think I might have missed something here. There seems to be some reason for this subplot lost in the ether somehow. If you'd care to explain what that is, I'm all ears. It seems like you had something specific in mind here.

All that said, I appreciated the strangeness of the story. The pacing was solid more or less. I think some readers might think Agony shows up too late but I'm not so sure. I liked Early. A very strange character indeed but truly earnest and innocent and in a weird sort of way, his history and current situation made him seem more together than the other characters in the story. I didn't quite feel the same way about agony. She seemed kind of standoffish and juvenile at times, to the point where I couldn't really buy her as a sadist with a business, but there was a lot to her. It made sense that she would be drawn to Early, even in a non-romantic way, partly for the reasons I mentioned earlier and I wanted to see both characters to find their way or at least have a moment where they were happy and relieved to have found each other.

The other characters were sort of one-dimensional. I'd give some thought as to developing them further.

So yeah. A strange, very mixed bag for me but it was interesting and I think you can certainly develop it into something strong. Hope this helps. Sorry to make you read so much and for the typos that are most certainly there.

Quoted Text pg. 1 - EXT. VIEW FROM A BRIDGE - Not quite a legit slug. Poor way to kick off your script. I'd change it to EXT. LAKE and insert VIEW FROM A BRIDGE after it.

Noted. But I've seen it a thousand times in a lot of my favorite produced scripts, but usually it's a EXT. NEW YORK CITY SKYLINE or EXT. PANORAMIC VIEW - mostly establishing shots, often the very first slug in the script.

Quoted Text - IN THE WATER - I found the description following this to be quite clunky. Is Early bobbing up and down? Sinking? How can he plunge into the water if he's already in the water? Somewhat confused here. I'd take a look.

I should have explained that he was treading water, struggling to stay afloat. And I should have said his HEAD plunges below water.

Quoted Text Also, if we're in the water, how is Winston visible underwater? Is this Early's P.O.V. You also use the word "indiscernible. That would basically negate Winston's identity, wouldn't it? Check it out.

This is what I had...

Early plunges below dark water. Back up to blinding sunlight.

The bridge above: WINSTON leans over the ledge. Waves his arms. Merely a silhouette. His identity indiscernible.

Early goes under. Emerges to see Winston dive into the lake.

Early dips under again. Into darkness.

Yeah, this is from Early's POV, but I didn't write POV. Thanks for pointing that out. But before Winston jumps into the lake from the bridge, his identity indiscernible, I do mention that Early comes back up to blinding sunlight, a line before the Winston action line.

I write Winston's name from the bat because I have a lot of flashbacks, and I didn't want the reader to get confused - a lot of folks who read scripts don't read it in one sitting and often lose track of things.  

Quoted Text pg. 2 - "Candles lit." - Watch out for orphans (in this case, "lit"). There were many in this script. I think you could tighten things up considerably by eliminating them. It's simpler than you think to do so.

Ah, yes, the orphans. I do have this a bit in the script in both dialogue and action descriptions... will address that in the next draft.

Quoted Text - He'd have to do *a lot* of *hard* banging to draw blood. I don't think a smooth, presumably wood tabletop would do it this easily.

I used to do this as a kid (so my parents tell me) - not sure why, maybe for attention? I don't know. But I did bang my head so hard that I busted myself open.

Yeah, it probably would have taken longer to draw blood, but I figure I cut to the chase instead of having three minutes of the kid banging his head.

Quoted Text - I'm starting to have issues with the melodrama throughout the script but I'll get to that later. This scene in the hospital particularly bugs me though. It doesn't feel realistic at all. This teen girl's going to prom so she's presumably 17 or 18. I'm pretty sure she'd be able to understand how serious it is to be hit by a car. That doesn't mean she won't be upset and doesn't even mean that she won't think it's unfair or that it might have been her dad's fault or what not but her reaction is way too over the top (wishing her dad had died especially). I'd go for something slightly more subtle. I mean, the fact that she's wearing a dress explains half of it already.

She sure is a chip off the old block, ain't she haha? These aren't logical people. The story takes place in New York City (my home) and I've seen and heard a lot stranger from so-called normal people. They aren't thinking rationally. I'll never forget one time when I was at the hospital and some asshole was complaining about how long he's been waiting for a nurse when there was a baby dying (killed by its mother apparently) in the next room - the mood among the officers, hospital staff and other patients lingering in the hall was very somber.

And other than that, we're seeing this through Early's eyes. A lot of this melodrama is meant to show how detached Early feels, though in actuality, he's not as detached as he thinks he is. If that makes any sense.

Quoted Text Steven's reaction is equally outrageous. Again, I wouldn't expect him to be reasonable or even thinking straight but he hit a kid with his car. I can't imagine many people would react this way, let alone threaten to kill someone, unless they were completely insane.

People are selfish - him being in the hospital is an inconvenience to him, and he takes it a little too far, here. As I've mentioned, not many people would react this way... but he does.

Quoted Text - Early is awful nimble, running around and such, after being hit by a car. No pain perhaps but his body might not be in the best shape at this point. I'd make some sort of mention of this.

He does limp around for the remainder of the story... you can limp fast, can't you? I wasn't so much concerned about the logistics, though I do try to keep them in mind... but I wrote this with the intentions of making this a surreal, fairy tale type of story.

Quoted Text pg. 23 - Why is Agony rolling a joint in a diner? Conspicuous much. I mean, I suppose you've made no mention of how many people are in the diner, what time it is, or anything like that. But it makes me wonder. I'm guessing this isn't the diner from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

It's a New York City diner at night. I've done worse than roll a joint at a table. This is a city where you can order beer at a diner at 3 in the morning. I've snorted lines off a table at a diner before (my wilder days). Either or, I didn't think it was that much of a big deal. Especially with the prices of cigarettes in the city (up to 15 bucks now for a pack) a lot of people roll their own cigarettes now.

Quoted Text - A peculiar conversation Early and Agony have here. It feels somewhat forced and exposition-y. I'd try to make it more natural sounding.

I thought Agony's dialogue was more relaxed and natural than Early's... Early's dialogue isn't supposed to sound natural. He's socially deprived. I've been away from people for long periods of time, especially recently due to rehab (long story)... the second I was out in society, what normally would be a casual conversation was me ranting for 20 minutes about every single detail about my life. I was so eager and happy to talk to somebody and tell them all of these things I haven't had the opportunity to tell somebody else.

Early doesn't really know how to interact socially... everything is so matter of fact with him, though it seems unnatural and weird to others.

Quoted Text pg. 27 - "Are you a psycho murderer or something?" - Strange response. He *just* said he had a genetic disorder.

It's something she wanted to say before, but didn't... then it came out at an awkward time. Not all conversations are natural, especially with "stranger" people. It's funny how she says Early isn't exactly normal when she's far from it herself.

Quoted Text - I think Agony might need a little more talking into as far as hitting Early with the bottle. Pain is the least of his worries (naturally); he could get a concussion. That's a lot of repercussion Agony would have to put up with. It's also not so easy to break a bottle over someone's head; might take more than one blow.

It was Agony's idea. It's part of her character. She's not your typical dominatrix. She likes to hurt people, though it doesn't come off as malicious. It's how she was brought up. She comes from a family of sociopaths (as we learn later) - sure, maybe her clients get off on the pain, but she doesn't do it for them. She doesn't get off on another person's pleasure - she gets off on their pain.

But with Early, it's different - he can't feel pain obviously. So how can she get off on it if she can't hurt him (pain wise)? I try to include several underlying connotations, relating pain and sex, the pain being perverse - she actually feels something different with Early. The moment they share when she's holding a stun gun to his genitals isn't an erotic moment - sure, she's turned on, but it's not perverse. It comes from a different place.

Quoted Text pg. 34 - "I'm not completely sold." - Really? She just broke a bottle over someone's head.

She's being facetious. She wants to do more to him. During the course of the story, she has a strange obsession with mutilating male genitalia (through dialogue mostly)... related to her sexual abuse.

Quoted Text - Again, no pain but no doubt a stun gun would lock up Early's nervous system and make him fall. He wouldn't just stand there. Writing this, I'm actually starting to notice a lot of these kinds of inconsistencies. Just because someone doesn't feel pain doesn't mean that there won't be physical repercussions t0 what happens to their body. I'd keep this in mind.

Yeah, if you held a stun gun long enough, sure it would make him fall. A taser would make him fall immediately (the electrical current travels through a wire into the body)... I've held my own with a stun gun, though I did fall after a good 10 seconds... it felt like I did a thousand crunches.

There are quite a few moments where a suspension of disbelief is required, but I feel like it fits the tone of the story - the surreal, fairy tale kind of feel. But I will look into it.

Quoted Text pg. 40 - How does he say his safe word with a gag on?

The line before, he spits his gag out... it's not one of those gags that are bound tightly to his face, into his mouth.

Quoted Text pg. 55 - Wouldn't Melinda want to stop Early's bleeding? I mean, if she's going to complain about it, you'd think she'd want to.

If my roommate brought home some strange guy, covered in blood who looks like they've escaped from a mental hospital, I'd probably want him to get the fuck out of my apartment. But that's just me.

Quoted Text - Why isn't Tina worried about where her son is?

Because she thinks her son is still at the hospital.

Quoted Text Many of the earlier arguments with Early and his adoptive parents escalated to tears, screams, or things said that might be regretted seemingly with the drop of a hat. It was almost like there was dialogue missing from the scenes. Early screaming at Tina for not being his mother for example. What prompted him to say that? Arguments in real life don't start with people dropping the biggest bombs right off the bat. They escalate.

I did a lot of research on the disease and variations of the disorder - many of these kids who grow up don't quite mature emotionally in the way people like you and I would. Of course, behavioral problems or patterns are affected by how they were brought up, but even in cases where the family or support group is strong and stable, these people still struggle with their emotions. Often times, their behavior is irrational. And erratic. Some cases showed symptoms of bi polar disorder. The shooter behind the massacre in Connecticut was speculated to have symptoms of a disorder similar to Early's.

And it is Early's birthday -- his mother died at childbirth, "causing" his father to try and drown him ON the day of his birthday years later -- said father also commits suicide. Not a great day for him. There's a lot of pain there. A lot of deep-seeded resentment brought on just by the sight of the birthday cake.

Quoted Text Fred flipping out in the hospital was similar. He goes from calling his son kiddo one minute to screaming why life is so short the next. Now sometimes people do keep their pain buried in their gut and it can explode at unexpected moments but this didn't feel like one of those situations; it's just awkward.

Yeah, probably a little bit too melodramatic - but sometimes, good memories can be the most painful when we know that there won't be many more. Fred obviously hasn't accepted his fate.

Quoted Text The sadomasochism theme was actually more problematic for me. Agony is in the business of pain and yet she thinks Early has a gift for not feeling it. It seems like this is the basis on which that can relate. Frankly, I think you got it all backwards. Agony's clients receive pleasure from pain (why else would they seek her out) and hence she and Early are incompatible. I thought Agony helping Early feel physical pain might be a road you'd go down. I also thought Agony might feel sorry for Early and would seek to connect with him out of sympathy as to her, it's like the equivalent of someone not being able to orgasm.

I addressed this earlier. Helping Early feel physical pain would be impossible. She wouldn't feel sympathy for him... she's in awe of him. Almost envious due to her painful upbringing. She doesn't like pain. She likes inflicting it. And her obsession with inflicting pain comes from a dark and perverse place.

And, though I don't go into that direction (Agony helping Early feel physical pain), I do give a subtle hint (very subtle) at the very end that maybe, in fact, she has helped him in a way feel pain -- earlier in the script, Early mentions that he's never coughed or sneezed before (he wouldn't feel the irritation - this is only in the more extreme cases of the disorder) -- yet, he coughs up water.

Quoted Text Finally, I liked the setup for the story with Winston but it didn't seem to go anywhere or tie into the main story. I also didn't understand how Winston would think Early was his savior only to turn on him and his family in the end. I mean, Early was four. How could he be expected to remember this guy?

Winston was a life long criminal (I never mention this, but I imply it I think). All his life, he did things that he knew were wrong, but did them anyway. The one good thing he does is save Early, and though he ends up doing time, he sees this as his salvation. He feels enlightened. And then his life turns to shit after he is released from prison. The only redemption he's experienced in his life was saving Early. His life lacks meaning, so much so that he's obsessed with that one thing he's done good. But Early never shows any gratitude, and it kills Winston inside. And he reverts back to his old ways of thinking while under the influence.

Quoted Text Unlike the other issues, I've brought up, I actually think I might have missed something here. There seems to be some reason for this subplot lost in the ether somehow. If you'd care to explain what that is, I'm all ears. It seems like you had something specific in mind here.

A sense of purpose. The theme of fate. And the theme of the past -- each of these characters is haunted in a different way. And their pasts (Early and Agony) catch up with them in different ways (Agony's past catches up with her and she is forced to confront it... Early takes it upon himself to confront his past after the situation with Agony plays out).

It can definitely be executed better. And the story as a whole can definitely have more focus, but I purposely wanted things to have a muddled feel to it, a beautiful mess if you will. Like I mentioned when we spoke a few weeks ago, I had elements of Lars Von Trier's work in mind (at parts) as well as David Lynch.

Also, I forgot to mention it, but you said something about how Agony's family acts so violent, that it didn't make sense to you. Again, it wasn't really supposed to make sense... they're violent. They've abused Agony her whole life. This is how they are. As to why they are the way they are, that's probably best suited for another script. But they symbolize that perverse and violent side to Agony's personality. Think Dennis Hopper's role in "Blue Velvet".

Quoted Text Okay. So this was sort of a strange script for me. It had many issues with it but ultimately I enjoyed it. I think the strangeness, the odyssey-like progression, and the more vulnerable moments with the characters kept me engaged. This is not usually the case.

Glad you enjoyed it overall, James. I can't thank you enough for the notes. My rebuttals probably don't make a lot of sense as I kind of just woke up and I'm still out of it, but when I'm more mentally awake, I'll look back over your notes... your suggestions make a lot of sense, man, and I'll definitely take them into account when I get to rewrites.

-- Michael

Quoted from spesh2k Glad you enjoyed it overall, James. I can't thank you enough for the notes. My rebuttals probably don't make a lot of sense as I kind of just woke up and I'm still out of it, but when I'm more mentally awake, I'll look back over your notes... your suggestions make a lot of sense, man, and I'll definitely take them into account when I get to rewrites.

Sounds good, man. You've clarified a few things for me somewhat. It seems like you were going for more of a heightened reality sort of angle. Fair enough. That's sometimes difficult to come across on the page as you don't have the full package of actors, images, and such. I also should've kept in mind that this is set in NYC and that you're an area native. Your nightlife is practically that of another country's coming from DC as I do. I've been to some 24-hour diners after last call, for one thing, but they don't serve beer and a joint would've fly. We're effectively less cool, for sure.

I think Agony might need to be fleshed out some more. I figured her particular brand of sadomasochism was more standard. It didn't come across that she wanted to inflict pain for the sake of pain and not pleasure and apparently that's essential to the story. I did get the sense that you wouldn't find her where you'd find the other dominatrixes; you'd have to delve further into the gutter, for sure. Still, I didn't really get that more personalized sense of darkness from her. I mean, she certainly lets the meek Early follow her around for long enough.

As for her family, I'd say the same. I totally understand the Frank Booth comparison. That character is more of an entity than a man. However in Blue Velvet, you have time to soak up his aura. Here, with Nathan and Daddy, not so much as they're in the story so briefly. It's a little more jarring, for sure.

Anyway, glad I could be of service. I'll be happy to discuss things further if you decide to elaborate a little.

Quoted Text I think Agony might need to be fleshed out some more. I figured her particular brand of sadomasochism was more standard. It didn't come across that she wanted to inflict pain for the sake of pain and not pleasure and apparently that's essential to the story. I did get the sense that you wouldn't find her where you'd find the other dominatrixes; you'd have to delve further into the gutter, for sure. Still, I didn't really get that more personalized sense of darkness from her. I mean, she certainly lets the meek Early follow her around for long enough.

Yeah, you're probably right... I was perhaps a little too subtle. I do have a lot of underlying themes that go relatively unnoticed that I'd like to solidify a little more... it's not so much that she lets Early follow her around. In a way, she wants him to. It was meant to reflect her sexual abuse... in that first scene together at the diner, she mentions how young he looks.

In a way, without bad intention, she sees something pure and corrupts it a bit by introducing him into this world. Similar to how she was abused as a child -- she was once pure and years later, is far from it. But her intent isn't malicious. There is good in her, and that good side of her is running from the world she came to know. Though we don't see much interaction between her and her daughter, she comes across as a decent mother I guess, despite her choice of profession and what that child may symbolize. Early is kind of her chance to corrupt somebody... though as the night progresses, it's Early who has the influence on her. Once there are signs of her past returning (Nathan at the bar) she becomes a child again, almost.

Her defiance and defensive nature is a product of her past. And though she corrupts Early in a way, she also sees him as a beacon. He symbolizes pureness, I suppose. At least that was the intention.

Quoted Text As for her family, I'd say the same. I totally understand the Frank Booth comparison. That character is more of an entity than a man. However in Blue Velvet, you have time to soak up his aura. Here, with Nathan and Daddy, not so much as they're in the story so briefly. It's a little more jarring, for sure.

Good point.

Quoted Text It seems like you were going for more of a heightened reality sort of angle.

Exactly. This was heavily influenced by Lynch, Von Trier, but mostly Cronenberg (I love the way he uses sex, fetishes and mutilation as a means of showing character depth -- e.g. Crash, A History of Violence, Videodrome).

Nic Refn also had some influence, but more of his visual style.

Thanks again, dude! Much appreciated!

-- Michael

Quoted from Ledbetter I digress... Read some of the others work here Then I might have an interest in yours again. Sorry! That's just the way this site works, man. Shawn.....><

So, Shawn, I am a newbie, so what would be most helpful to the forum and for my learning: 1) to read/comment on scripts when there is no comments from anyone or read/comment the ones like "Morphine" which has several feedback?
I see some scripts with zero comments and I wonder why. Is that a member who never post comments and suddenly wants you guys feedback in their work?
Thank you, Villas.
(English is not my first language and I am skeptical on making comments since I have seen people pick on any minor (or major) grammar or spelling errors. I do understand that can not happen on a script, but my comments will be criticised for this matter?)

Quoted Text So, Shawn, I am a newbie, so what would be most helpful to the forum and for my learning: 1) to read/comment on scripts when there is no comments from anyone or read/comment the ones like "Morphine" which has several feedback?

I know this is directed at Shawn, but allow me to answer your question...

I say read/comment on whatever you want, whatever script grabs your interest.

Quoted Text I see some scripts with zero comments and I wonder why. Is that a member who never post comments and suddenly wants you guys feedback in their work? Thank you, Villas.

Most likely, but it could be due to other reasons... maybe the they have a poor log line. Or maybe the script just doesn't interest anybody. Or maybe the person/writer comments, but doesn't really offer much other than a few sentences here and there commenting on the first couple of pages of a few scripts.

It's just like Shawn told me... you get what you give, and after I returned to the site, I had the pleasure of reading and commenting on several scripts, contributing to the site the best I can. And because of that (I think) I've received a lot of feedback on Morphine.

Quoted Text (English is not my first language and I am skeptical on making comments since I have seen people pick on any minor (or major) grammar or spelling errors. I do understand that can not happen on a script, but my comments will be criticised for this matter?)

I'm sure the members here will accept and appreciate your comments. Welcome to the boards, by the way.

-- Michael

Hey Villas,

Welcome to the boards man.

Michael pretty much nailed it my friend. My intent wasn't to discourage but to encourage readers to be proactive in the whole experience.

No one wants to invest a ton of time in a read and comment in a script that is nothing more than a drop off. By that, I mean, someone who simply leaves a script here and expects a ton of people to invest in it when he himself doesn't invest any time in other's scripts.

When people see you here reading scripts and commenting on them, believe me, it's noticed. They say to themselves...

Okay, they are around and they are investing what time they can afford to help other writers out, so yeah, I'm gonna take the time to see what they have to offer and help them out as well.

By the way, some of our more successful writers are those whose language is other than English.

In fact, look up Michael Duthin here. If I'm right, he has a short entered in this years Cannes film festival and his primary dialect is French.

Take care buddy

Shawn.....><

Congrats to the author on getting HIGHLY recommended to Scriptshadow.
Don't waste your time worrying, it'll all be over by Wednesday.

Regards,
E.D.

Greetings Michael,

Had a spare few ticks, so I peaked at the first half dozen...
And found what appears to be a SLUG problem that needs to be addressed.

The story starts with Early at age FOUR.
Ok, fine.

Then right into therapy. Then the FLASHBACK to the grisly deed.
Ok, I make the assumption that Early's roughly the same age with the doc.

But then...
You cut to the "PRESENT TIME" on page six. Now, Early's EIGHTEEN?

You established the present time already in your previous slugs with Early at age four.
So, unless I'm completely (it happens) misreading things, what you really have is...

An opener that has a FLASHBACK within a FLASHBACK.
Then once the second FLASHBACK is over...
The narrative then FLASHES FORWARD fourteen years to PRESENT TIME.

Development hounds, like myself, look for these kinds of red flags all day long.
It's a tell-tale sign of a writer that's not a working professional.
Which gets your script a big step closer to the trash bin here in town.
If you're an unknown quantity, you're judged by the red flag system. Period.

Recommend addressing this before sending your script out.
Good luck. Keep writing & rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted Text Congrats to the author on getting HIGHLY recommended to Scriptshadow. Don't waste your time worrying, it'll all be over by Wednesday.

Haha! Thanks! Had someone from another site read the script and loved it, so they recommended the script to Carson (apparently they have similar tastes).

Quoted Text You established the present time already in your previous slugs with Early at age four. So, unless I'm completely (it happens) misreading things, what you really have is... An opener that has a FLASHBACK within a FLASHBACK. Then once the second FLASHBACK is over... The narrative then FLASHES FORWARD fourteen years to PRESENT TIME. Development hounds, like myself, look for these kinds of red flags all day long. It's a tell-tale sign of a writer that's not a working professional. Which gets your script a big step closer to the trash bin here in town. If you're an unknown quantity, you're judged by the red flag system. Period.

Thanks for pointing that out... I suppose a 14 YEARS LATER title card would have been correct (after acknowledging END FLASHBACK).

Yeah, I know every morsel of this script is going to be gouged on Wednesday. The version of the script that was recommended to Carson was a second draft, too... ugh! There was God damn typo on page 1 fml haha... not good!!!

REWRITES REWRITES REWRITES!!!

But thanks for the heads up... kind of nervous now...

-- Michael