Percepciones by Joseph Cahill (medstudent) - Drama, Suspense - When a washed up, Mexican Diva is killed in her apartment, three characters (her lover, a nephew and a detective) become entwined in a missing person's case. Though things are not what they seem and perceptions become more important than the truth.  118 pages - pdf, format

Looking for a read and review. Will read and review any script, any length.

Por favor.

Medstudent,

Hola, and all that.

I think you've wandered these boards even longer than I. So I'll give it a read shortly. Looks good. I'll come back and edit and review here, once I'm done procrastinating.

R

Edit:

Read the start. Opening with a list of scenes is one way to start a script, but not my favourite way. I'd have much preferred if you'd written it out as normal. As it is I found it hard to picture in my head, as I don't know where these scenes are supposed to be set. It makes it hard to care.

There's a few typos here and there, but nothing serious. Most of the writing isn't bad - that's my way of saying good. However, there's some strange comma usage. Most of them could be omitted. And some bits had me puzzling -

Quoted from PERCEPCIONES It arrives at a dark drive sitting behind a metal security gate with Frank Loyd Wright - low set, angles - inspired apartment buildings on each side, goes down it and disappears into the shadows.

I'm thinking Lloyd Wright was an architect, so I'm presuming the house looks like it was done by him. But it doesn't really say that. And Lloyd Wright isn't hugely famous. Most readers won't have a clue who he was. First time I read it I thought it was the name of the cat. I'd say the paragraph needs rewriting, so its meaning is clearer.

I like the business with the cat leading us round. It works well.

The odd bit of confusion distracts from the story. Which is a shame, as it does seem interesting. I'll leave it there for now. I'll come back to it, if you like, when I've got time to read the whole thing.

R

Rendevous,
Thanks. Thats exactly the type of feedback I'm looking for. If you could slog through it that would be extremely helpful. Again, I'll read and review anything you want. Just let me know.

Joseph

Ah, you're around MS, good to hear from you. And glad you took no offence, none intended. It's no slog. A lot of the writing is fine, and we can all learn from good writing. I suspect you're writing in a second tongue, a skill I could never master myself. So look down on this paltry reviewer from the lofty heights of multi languagedom.

As I said it's not bad, and bear in mind what I said about that. I'll be on it in the next day or so.

If you want to read one of mine take your pick from my sig. Or maybe try The Deuce. Just appeared on STS. May get made soon. That'd be nice. See what you think. We'll speak again soon.

R

Great. I'll take a look at the deuce. Give me a couple of days. If it's a short, I'll take a look at another as well. Funny about the second language. I do speak Spanish but English is my first language. This was co-written with a native Spanish speaker so some of the dialogue and action blocks were written initially by her and "translated" by me (that's my story and I'm sticking to it). It's difficult because I've been reading and rewriting this thing for months. It's difficult to have an objective eye. That's why a review from a third party will be very helpful.

Anyhow, look forward to hearing back from you. I'd like to get this up to snuff so that it can be sent out.

Anyone else is welcome to trade, too.

Joseph

I reread from the start, Joseph.

Firstly I'd lose most, if not all the camera stuff. It puts backs up, unless it is necessary from a story point of view. I think your story would work better without it.

I get your writing for an English audience, hence them speaking it. But it does feel a little strange that people in Mexico would be speaking English to each other.

My next points are more technical, so I'll be brief.

Quoted from Percepciones Expensive, leather sofa and love seat centered within the art- deco accessories. Post modern sculptures in each corner.

There's numerous similar examples throughout. It's not so bad. But it could be better. Dump the comma after 'expensive' would make it better. It probably needs an 'An' before it too, but that's more down to writing style. Again it's stylish, but I'd dump the 'the' before art-deco'. Regarding the last sentence, you need a descriptive verb in there to complete it, something like fill, or maybe decorate. So you'd end up with 'Post modern sculptures fill each corner.'

Regarding the camera stuff...

Quoted from Percepciones CLOSE ON A PARTICULAR PICTURE Shows YOUNG MAGDALENA (20s), beautiful for the time (1950s), in an extravagant RED DRESS.

You can do it that way. Or you could do it this way -

One picture shows Magdalena in her twenties. Her clothes and surroundings suggest sometime in the Fifties. She wears an extravagant red dress.

I ended up rewriting your sentence, as I tend to get carried away with myself. But my original point was about losing the camera direction. I think my version reads better, but I would say that, wouldn't I? Yes, I would.

Avoid writing sentences like this -

Quoted from Percepciones Next to it, a picture of a YOUNG DIEGO (5) holding a toy phone, dressed in dress and make-up.

It's fine up until the final comma. The last bit makes no real sense to me.

Then just I as begin to get grumpy, you do this -

Quoted from Percepciones MAGDALENA DE SAN MARCOS(70's) sits in bra and panties at an ornate makeup table in front of a large mirror. The years have stripped away any resemblance to her old self, the skin on her face lost to gravity many years ago. Next to her, on the wall, the RED DRESS in a framed shadow box.

That's really good, and sucked me in. Not far off as good as it gets. You brought the red dress back, thus justifying your close up on the picture. I'd still lose the camera direction, though.

Works better. Trust me, I'm really good. Or so all my women tell me. I think they may have meant my skills on my Playstation, you can never really tell what women really mean. They're far too clever for me, even the blonde ones.

A final point on paragraphs, keep them four lines or under. Goldman and Abrams can go over. But us mere mortals should keep them less than five.

More later. Enjoying it so far.

R

Jesus, I need to go to therapy, for comma, over, users.

Again, good stuff. Keep, it, coming. Looks like I'm going to do a whole lot of trimming.

Once the script is as good as it gets we'll translate it into Spanish.

Joseph,

No need for therapy, just a delete key. You've a habit of missing off full stops, always makes me feel like I'm missing out. It's fine when you're leading onto the next heading though.

You've also a few variations in the spelling of Sara Oh.

Trimming would be good. A lot of it is fine and lean, but some of it is a little overwritten. There's also a few examples of some unintentional mirth....

Quoted from Percepciones CLOSE UP of SARA OH (30s), face pulled tight from hours on the operating table with nearly exposed, double D breasts getting a touch up by the Make-up Artist.

She's getting her boobs touched up? I didn't think this was that kind of movie...

Normally I'd say ditch the VO at the start. As most amateur scripts with an early VO are not good. Many use it as a clumsy tool for exposition. But I'm quietly impressed with yours. A little pretentious perhaps. Just like me.

I' m trying to avoid picking on words and things, as I'd rather get into the story. But I'll break my own rule briefly -

Quoted from Percepciones The tabby cat enters and hops onto the tidy bed. Gets comfortable. Begins devouring its dinner.

All's fine, apart from the use of Begins. I really don't like it. There's no need. Just say 'Devours its dinner.' Works for me.

Quoted from Percepciones Sarah Oh shows of her trimmed legs and breasts.

Trimmed? That doesn't sound quite right.

Quoted from Percepciones HANDS slowly move the ZIPPER down on a black body bag. As the bag opens, we get to see JASSO (V.O.) Let’s pray that we find her in one piece. A NEWS PROGRAM plays from an old...

That's technically cheating. You really shouldn't lead us to believe we're going to see someone in a body bag and then not let us. It's bad form. I feel like I've been offered a sausage and then it's denied.

Hmm, I really do quite fancy a sausage now. I'll be back shortly, after my banger obviously.

R

Joseph,

I read on as promised. I'm slow but I get there eventually. All my women say that. Or rather, I wish they did. They're more likely to say the polar opposite.

I mentioned earlier the variations on Sara Oh's name. You'd be better off just calling her Sara. The variations just confuse things. I kept wondering if another Sarah had appeared.

Quoted from Percepciones NARRATOR (V.O.) The saga of the Diva, Magdalena de San Marcos continues as we relive the last thirty years of her life in film and television... Eliza stops to watch the television. The narrator's voice trails off.

You don't need the last line. The ellipsis did that for you.

I'm getting more into the story. It's a little weird, about twenty or so pages in, and I've still no real idea what'll happen. That's a good thing by the way. I'm not sure this would play out well on screen though. Maybe it would with good actors.

I don't normally mention orphans. Not the parentless children ones. But your script does seem to have an awful lot of them. They don't normally matter to me, as I'd prefer the sentence to be right rather than artifically shortened for the sake of space saving. But when you have so many you should consider trimming, as we talked of earlier.

Tech stuff, but your missing headings on pages 15 and 16 when 'WE FOLLOW DIEGO'. We can, but if he leaves his apartment then returns you need a new heading, especially when you show construction workers heckling him.

This made me laugh, for all the right reasons -

Quoted from Percepciones DIEGO (to television) Oh, c’mon. He isn’t right for you!

Reminded me of Corrado in The Sopranos watching his soaps. It's that type of line I remember. I may nick that soon. No higher compliment I can pay.

Oh dear, I'm gonna go on about comma usage again. But I'll keep it brief.

Quoted from Percepciones Just outside the closed, security gate sits bouquets of flowers, hand-made signs all dedicated to Magdalena.

The first one should go. The second one is fine. Bear that in mind when you rewrite.

I'm up to about page 23, but duty calls. I'll return soon.

R

Moving, vacationing, etc...

It seems I've lost you Rendevous. I hope the script wasn't what drove you away.

Quoted Text Firstly I'd lose most, if not all the camera stuff.

I know people have issues with camera direction. I like to use it despite being told not to. My favorite scripts use them. So I do as well. I try to be mindful of how often I use it. I'll go through the script and get rid of what I can. I hate for it to be a distraction.

Quoted Text it does feel a little strange that people in Mexico would be speaking English to each other.

We intend to translate this into Spanish once we get a solid draft.

Quoted Text A final point on paragraphs, keep them four lines or under.

Noted. I will go through it and trim.

Quoted Text She's getting her boobs touched up?

Ha. Nice catch.

Quoted Text Normally I'd say ditch the VO at the start. As most amateur scripts with an early VO are not good. Many use it as a clumsy tool for exposition. But I'm quietly impressed with yours. A little pretentious perhaps. Just like me.

I agree. Opening voice over is tricky. I didn't want it to be a narrator type of VO just Jasso giving an interview to Sara.

Still interested in a full review. Again, I'll read anything, any length and give an in depth review.

Joseph

Hey Med:

I read the first 30 - right now I don't have time to get through it all but wanted to give you some over arching observations.

1. When taken in terms of any one line, any one scene or bit of dialogue - the actual writing is outstanding IMO.  

2. Your character's Voices are dead on - the dialogue is strong.

3. It is crisp - well formatted - I very much like your writing style

4. From the first 30 - It is an eerily interesting story.

The problem is this - it is confusing is all get out. I guess that is part of the intrigue. But it kind of leaves me at this point - it's a movie that I want to watch tonight. I just don't want to read anymore because it is so confusing and as a result - a toughie - the type of script that you have to read a page several times to keep your bearing's straight.  You open with a series of unrelated events - you have several characters in flashbacks at different points in their life - you have VO intrecutting across several scenes, etc. Again - all very well written - but extremely confusing to a reader.

The corrections are far beyond my skill level (I don't think I could attempt to do this type of script) - but I would offer a couple of minor tips. You can make the opening series of shots a bit briefer. e.g.,

1. DIEGO MARISCAL(30's), feminine features, strong chin,
yanks on DUCT TAPE. Sweat on his brow. Wraps something unseen
several times around. Tears the end with his teeth.

2.  A Slender WOMAN’S HANDS unzip a black body bag and then pulls the sides of a corpse's shirt apart revealing a pale breast. She parts the corpse's lips, opens its mouth
and, with a metal instrument, stuffs it full of cotton.

3. GABRIEL JASSO(30'S), a bare-chested handsome man, watches
himself in a tall mirror. Buttons his dress shirt.

4. Diego scrubs his hands in a sink. His hands red and raw.

5. Gabriel Jasso smiles at himself in the mirror. Opens his
mouth, checks his tonsils.

6. From the trunk of a vehicle, Diego stands looking inside - closes the trunk of the vehicle.

7. Gabriel Jasso places a PISTOL next to his side, in a
holster. Covers it with a jacket. He gives himself one last
look in the mirror, points to his reflection, smiles and
leaves.

8. A MORGUE WORKER slides a naked, exposed body inside, shuts the door cutting off
the light.

I know the above doesn't quite get at what you were doing - but I think it makes it a little less confusing.

In your next scene we are at the studio

Quoted Text INT. TELEVISION STUDIO CLOSE UP of Jasso’s face beneath artificial lighting. A MAKEUP ARTIST powders his face. EXT. AVE. SOR JUANA - GUADALAJARA, MEXICO - NIGHT A solitary, residential street illuminated by several street lamps in the distance. SARA OH (V.O.) Don’t worry, honey, you look gorgeous. The camera loves you. Just be yourself. INT. TELEVISION STUDIO CLOSE UP of SARA OH (30s), face pulled tight from hours on the operating table with nearly exposed, double D breasts getting a touch up by the Make-up Artist. A PRODUCER (30s) leans in with his clipboard. Television camera off his right shoulder. PRODUCER Ready, everyone? Three. Two.

Again - by nature it's going to be confusing because you are moving the VOs across many other scenes. It might be clearer if you introduce the SARA character up front. e.g.,

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO

A MAKEUP ARTIST powders Jasso's face.

In a chair next to him sits SARA OH (30s), face pulled tight from hours on
the operating table with nearly exposed, double D breasts.

SARA OH
Don’t worry, honey, you look
gorgeous. The camera loves you.
Just be yourself.

A PRODUCER (30s) enters with his clipboard. Television
camera off his right shoulder.

PRODUCER
Ready, everyone? Three. Two.

EXT. AVE. SOR JUANA - GUADALAJARA, MEXICO - NIGHT

A solitary, residential street illuminated by several street
lamps in the distance.

Again - your version is better - more cinematic - it' just confusing. Long winded way of saying that the JASSO VO is confusing as is - adding a SARA VO makes it more so.

Now here is some real horse shit - don't change anything until you hear from others here or other folks you can talk to. There is a chance that what you have is perfect and that I'm just a reader with comprehension issues - like I said before - once I gave it three reads - I loved it - got it in my mind perfectly - wouldn't change a thing. The problem is that I don't know if you'll get three reads of something from someone you want to interest in this.

And again - I think you have a great style and imagination - definitely could see you as a writer.  I would not want to tamper that - see what you can get from others.

Good luck with this.

eldave1,

Quoted Text 1. When taken in terms of any one line, any one scene or bit of dialogue - the actual writing is outstanding IMO.   2. Your character's Voices are dead on - the dialogue is strong. 3. It is crisp - well formatted - I very much like your writing style 4. From the first 30 - It is an eerily interesting story.

Thanks. Good to hear some things work.

Interesting observation. The VO at the beginning was added (instead of having it as a stand-alone scene) in the most recent rewrite. I want the intro to be intriguing, mysterious but not so confusing that it turns the reader/viewer off. I'll need to work on this. Were you at least able to get the idea that Magdalena is missing and these are the people involved in her disappearance?

I'll need to get more feedback to see if I can get some suggestions. Maybe having the talk show scene as a stand alone again, after the opening series of images and the Magdalena scene?

Thanks for the bit of feedback you did give. I appreciate it. I'm sorry you had trouble getting through it. That is why it is important for me to get feedback before sending it out.

Let me know if there is anything you want me to read and review. I would be happy to. No worries that you only got through the first 30 of mine. Is there a script in your signature that I should take a look at? Let me know.

Best,
J

Quoted Text Interesting observation. The VO at the beginning was added (instead of having it as a stand-alone scene) in the most recent rewrite. I want the intro to be intriguing, mysterious but not so confusing that it turns the reader/viewer off. I'll need to work on this. Were you at least able to get the idea that Magdalena is missing and these are the people involved in her disappearance?

To answer you last question first - yes and no. I concluded that Mag was dead - not missing given all of the foreshadowing with the corpse and the morgue (i.e.,I thought she was the body). I did have a sense that Jasso and Diego were either involved or knew what had happened to her. I did not have a sense of Eliza's involvement.

Quoted Text I'll need to get more feedback to see if I can get some suggestions. Maybe having the talk show scene as a stand alone again, after the opening series of images and the Magdalena scene?

Yes - more feedback would be good. Like I told you - could be just me because after the third read I did get what you were doing and did have the - ah... that's cool reaction. At a minimum - I would lose the Sara VO - having her and Jasso going at VOs at the same time while you are shifting locations as a lot of juggling.

I am through it now - that's a good sign - was interested enough to delay what I had on the plate and finish this. Thoughts are:

I like all of the dialogue between JASSO and Eliza while he's rigging the meter - I would lose the meter guy coming  up to him - doesn't add much.

Rosa Marie needs to be reintroduced far before page 55 - she is obviously an important part of his make-up. Pepper her in a little more throughout the script.

You do this quite a bit:

Quoted Text We are at INT. MAGDALENA APARTMENT - BATHROOM - DAY Where Magdalena's SONG plays from the portable radio at the edge of the sink.

I think it would read clearer in these instances if you wrote:

Dream sequence at

INT. MAGDALENA APARTMENT - BATHROOM - DAY

This bit is a little too long.

Quoted Text CASTING DIRECTOR Jesus Christ. Now you decide you want to act. Listen, sweetheart, if you wanted to act you would have said, “I’d love the part! I’m so grateful for your generosity!” But, no, you stand there, some fucking pueblo girl who woke up today thinking she’d like to be an actress. You think anybody can walk in off the street and act, be a star? Some people were born to shine. Others work their asses off, paying with sweat and tears to get a break. You weren’t born to shine. That means you have to work hard to get it. So hard that you’ll feel like your spine is going to break. Like you are going to lose your mind. Then one day, after countless hours, months, years of putting in the time, you get your break. You. You come in here on a whim thinking you can do better than the hundred professional actors I have waiting for the chance to become famous. Some were born to shine and some were born to admire those that shine. “Can I think about it?” No. You can’t think about it. You don’t have the brains to think about it. If you did, you would know already. You don’t want it. It is easier to hide and say “I could have been”. You are a nobody and you’ll always be a nobody because it suits you well.

To me - there was a little disconnect between the loss of his mother on page 85 and the lightness of his conversation with Diego on 86 - he should be angry - inconsolable, his Mom just died - or - move this meet till later.

Quoted Text LT. RIVERA The investigation is terminated. You are to stand down. You will go back to giving out traffic violations starting now. Speak no more about this. That is all.

The above and the dialogue leading up to it was a no go for me - it was not a believable scenario. You already established by the opening TV show that Mag was prominent and folks were interested - you can't do this now. I know that you are looking for a reversal - but this was not a believable one.

Not sure about how this ends - I got to digest it. You did foreshadow the possibility of her faking it earlier in the script - if you are going to keep this ending - I would lose the foreshadowing. Again - this was't quite a satisfying conclusion for me based on how  outstanding parts of this story were. I guess I was looking for something (either bad or good) with Eliza.

Quoted Text Let me know if there is anything you want me to read and review. I would be happy to. No worries that you only got through the first 30 of mine. Is there a script in your signature that I should take a look at? Let me know.

[/quote]

You did already review one of mine (The Beginning of The End and The End). If you  wanted to take a look at another one - I recently revised The Last Statesman (link below) -

Cheers - you have something here.

eldave1,
A thousand thanks.

Quoted Text there was a little disconnect between the loss of his mother on page 85 and the lightness of his conversation with Diego on 86

I wanted his reaction to that to be subtle. But you are right. She was the most important person in his life. Losing her would change the way he behaves, if just for a short time (that scene). I'll rework this.

Quoted Text Rosa Marie needs to be reintroduced far before page 55

I think you are right. Maybe a smaller, 1/2 page introduction early on.

Quoted Text This bit is a little too long.

Again, you are right. I know exactly what to cut.

Quoted Text the dialogue leading up to it was a no go for me - it was not a believable scenario.

This has been critiqued similarly before. I did want to try to use it as a tool to make Jasso feel hopeless by taking the only (other) thing that matters in his life. I need to rethink this. There needs to be something that happens earlier that causes Rivera to stop the investigation. I'll take another look at it. There are differences the way investigations, police work, etc are handled in Mexico. Believe it or not, this could actually happen in Mexico. They usually do things half ass to show face but rarely follow through on anything. They neither have the money nor the incentive to carry on an investigation like this.

Quoted Text this was't quite a satisfying conclusion for me based on how  outstanding parts of this story were.

Funny thing is the ending has changed three times. First, the cat killed Magdalena by knocking the stereo into the tub, then Eliza killed her to make her famous again, then we decided that she didn't die. She went missing purposefully as is written currently. Doesn't seem like any ending has worked so far. Maybe it is because Eliza doesn't achieve anything rather than what actually happens to Magdalena? I'm not sure at this point.

I'm glad you got through it and like some parts. I really appreciate it. I know it is a lot of work. I feel there is something there. A great story's somewhere in there. I just need to find it.

I'll be happy to review your script. Give me a day or so and I'll post a review.

J