Quoted Text I think you are right. Maybe a smaller, 1/2 page introduction early on.

I think you could thread/pepper her throughout the script as she as the only real emotional attachment Jasso has to anyone - but could be a lot of nice little conflict scenes where she wants him to stay with her to watch TV - but he has to get back on the case - where she thought he wore to much make-up on TV - etc. Where she has her own remembrances of Magdalena.

Quoted Text This has been critiqued similarly before. I did want to try to use it as a tool to make Jasso feel hopeless by taking the only (other) thing that matters in his life. I need to rethink this. There needs to be something that happens earlier that causes Rivera to stop the investigation. I'll take another look at it. There are differences the way investigations, police work, etc are handled in Mexico. Believe it or not, this could actually happen in Mexico. They usually do things half ass to show face but rarely follow through on anything. They neither have the money nor the incentive to carry on an investigation like this.

Yeah - I know the struggle here. The problem with what you have is that it is improbable and cliche (how many times have you read the - "you're off the case" in these types of stories. You have a really unique story deserving of an unique reversal.

A thought - maybe the case ends because someone confesses. Some Magdalena fanatic that sees all the fame Jasso is getting and wants the investigation to end to protect the legacy of his beloved Magdalena - Maybe the police captain tells Jasso it's over  because of the confession and Jasso pleads with the Captain to at least let him interview this confessor - he does and discovers that the confession was false and then is allowed to move on with his case. - anyway - just a thought.

Quoted Text Funny thing is the ending has changed three times. First, the cat killed Magdalena by knocking the stereo into the tub, then Eliza killed her to make her famous again, then we decided that she didn't die. She went missing purposefully as is written currently. Doesn't seem like any ending has worked so far. Maybe it is because Eliza doesn't achieve anything rather than what actually happens to Magdalena? I'm not sure at this point.

Ooooooh - I LOVE the cat doing it! IMO - fucking perfect. Hmmmmm

Maybe both...

Here's a trial balloon - the cat comes in and knocks the radio in the tub..

Eliza follows in - looking for the cat and sees what is transpiring (note: would need a reason why she has access to the apartment here - maybe she did errands - grocery shopping and the like for Mag. Anyway)..

Then - Eliza pulls the plug out of the wall  - saving Mag just in time.

Then - Mag describes to Eliza that she had an epiphany during her shock - fame and adoration through death needs to be enjoyed while you are still alive - hence Eliza needs to help her with her off to Cuba scheme. She gives Eliza the dress in appreciation for her help - maybe even writes Eliza a letter of recommendation that she can take with her to her auditions - something that connects them.

I do love the cat thing - but just think somehow Eliza has to be connected.

Quoted Text I'm glad you got through it and like some parts. I really appreciate it. I know it is a lot of work. I feel there is something there. A great story's somewhere in there. I just need to find it.

You are more than welcome - and there is definitely a great deal of potential here - I think you are 90% there.


J

Quoted from medstudent Moving, vacationing, etc... It seems I've lost you Rendevous. I hope the script wasn't what drove you away.

Not yet you haven't. Sorry, I've been rather busy. I would bore you with the details, but I can't be arsed. Anyways...

Quoted from medstudent I know people have issues with camera direction. I like to use it despite being told not to. My favorite scripts use them. So I do as well. I try to be mindful of how often I use it. I'll go through the script and get rid of what I can. I hate for it to be a distraction.

It would be wise, Joseph.

I read Eldave1's comments. There's a lot of good points in there. He seems a little unsure of himself, but I think he's being polite. Most of what he says is right.

Apologies for my absence. I've a job on at the mo. I will return with a full review in a day or two.

R

Quoted Text could be a lot of nice little conflict scenes where she wants him to stay with her to watch TV - but he has to get back on the case

I'm going to do this. Like you said, there is a chance to allow the audience to really get to know Jasso. And when she dies, the audience will feel it more.

Quoted Text maybe the case ends because someone confesses. Some Magdalena fanatic that sees all the fame Jasso is getting and wants the investigation to end to protect the legacy of his beloved Magdalena - Maybe the police captain tells Jasso it's over  because of the confession and Jasso pleads with the Captain to at least let him interview this confessor

This is perfect.

Quoted Text I LOVE the cat doing it!

I LOVED this idea as well. Originally, the cat accidentally kills Magdalena, Eliza finds her dead, buries her in the garden so that she would end up missing and people would begin talking about her again. I sent it to a consultant and that person "felt let down" by the ending. In retrospect, I think it had more to do with Eliza's resolution than what happened to Magadalena. Her "ending" is the key missing piece. I wanted her to "win" in the end. And winning for her means she realizes she is perfectly happy being a nobody. I'll need to go back to the drawing board with this. I'll have to sit down with my co-writer and figure the ending out.

Joseph

Rendevous,

Quoted Text I've been rather busy.

Life getting in the way of life. I completely understand. I thought you'd been murdered, kidnapped, killed in a hunting accident...

Quoted Text I read Eldave1's comments. There's a lot of good points in there. He seems a little unsure of himself, but I think he's being polite. Most of what he says is right.

I agree. His review has been extremely helpful.

Not sure if you saw, I left a short review on The Deuce. I really liked that story.

Welcome back. I'm glad ISIS had nothing to do with your absence.

Joseph

Quoted Text I LOVED this idea as well. Originally, the cat accidentally kills Magdalena, Eliza finds her dead, buries her in the garden so that she would end up missing and people would begin talking about her again. I sent it to a consultant and that person "felt let down" by the ending. In retrospect, I think it had more to do with Eliza's resolution than what happened to Magadalena. Her "ending" is the key missing piece. I wanted her to "win" in the end. And winning for her means she realizes she is perfectly happy being a nobody. I'll need to go back to the drawing board with this. I'll have to sit down with my co-writer and figure the ending out. Joseph

Cool - good luck with the re-write

eldave1,

What section is The Last Statesman? I am reading it but I can't find it on the boards.

Joseph

Never mind. Found it.

It's in comedy - but all you have to do is click the link in my signature box (below)

Apologies for the delay, been a bit too busy, Joe.

Anyways, read the first fifty or so. The start needs work, as it tends to wander between too many characters without very much happening. You need to have more of an impact at the beginning in order to hold a reader's attention.

I think you should probably dump everything before page six and start there. I'm with Eldave on most of his points. A lot of the writing is rather good, but the plot is confusing. I kept wondering why people were doing what they did.

I'd say you need to rewrite along the comments and advice Eldave gave. You'll have a much better story at the end of it.

R