Laughter, Far Away by John Phillip Wilkins (LucrativeAngst) - Drama, Suspense - A young man travels to Memphis in search of a mysterious address given to him by his uncle, and on the way, finds more mysteries at a motel occupied by the denizens of the city's underground. 113 pages - pdf, format

Hey John.

So your opening scene has me a bit confused.  These boxes that magicians use to saw people in half usually have holes to show that the assistant is actually in the box but Stanton is off screen the entire time?  I'm guessing the way you're picturing it, he's off camera or maybe the camera is just over his shoulder as he starts up the chain saw.  I don't know, some clarification would help or perhaps I'm just over-thinking it.  In any case, it wouldn't hurt to include an age with the Woman.  Even name her as it's more effective as opposed to slapping her with some generic label.  Maybe Blonde Bombshell or Obvious Skank?  Anything but Woman.

I strongly suggest cutting that entire opening credit part.  Your job is to tell us the story so you shouldn't concern yourself with the nuts and bolts of the actual film.  Page 1 is vital to hooking your reader and this 12 line block is more of a waste IMO.

So another thing you threw in was a montage.  Montages are in the grey area so to speak but unless absolutely necessary, I would cut them out entirely.  I read the scenes you used for yours and I have to say that I see no reason why you would even need it.  I think it would technically go down as A SERIES OF SHOTS as they are all in the same location but I'm not sure.

Thus far you've got 2 pages which I think could be condensed into 1.  All I really got out of this is some magician sawing into a woman and Uncle Sam talking about the good old times in Mexico.

That's as far as I'll go for now.  I strongly recommend that you stay away from all the screenwriting tricks unless your story can't continue without them or it greatly enhances the read.  Most of the time when I read through a story and a trick like that comes up, it ruins the illusion but that's just me.  Good luck with your story, John.

Johnny

@Regular John, you're definitely over-thinking it. Your "strong suggestion" to cut the credit sequence shows the danger in offering advice without reading the script; the images are not "a waste" because porn films, exploitation and the two men in jumpsuits are all relevant to the story, and to be introduced in this way (bridging the introductions of Stanton and Uncle Sam) is efficient and useful. It absolutely sets the tone for the script.

I could see the opening well enough, fluttering eyes implies CLOSE UP and the ornately painted box a wider shot. "Struggles" says that she is confused and distressed, and the soothing words take no account of her situation, so menace is immediately apparent. There is no need to see the owner of the voice, the focus staying with this helpless woman. We might assume a youngish age from the "pretty baby" diminutive. She will shortly be dead so a name is redundant, or might be deliberately withheld, if the story needs it. (Calling her 'Obvious Skank' is forcing a moral judgement ahead of her fate.) It's the situation that has relevance, not the death of this particular woman, as we shall see, so WOMAN is practical as well as, in the immediate context, chilling. The woman knows her captor by name and since she must have trusted him, his charming and now sinister character is set. He calls her "baby" two times too often for me but referring to himself in the third person is one of the classic deranged antagonist mores. The noise and the shadow of the chainsaw tell their own story. A 'Magic Room'; mention about making a film; a beautiful victim; a calm executioner; and horror implied. I think that is a pretty effective opening scene.

The writer has a strong visual sense and while I'm not familiar with  Japanese exploitation films of the '70s, I'm picturing something with the look of KILL BILL, and if John Phillip Wilkins shows up he can tell us if Tarantino is an inspiration.

The scene at Caleb's house is properly a FLASHBACK (unless the chainsaw scene is supposed to be some time past as well). It would better be inserted as the older Caleb lands in Memphis a page or two later, as he looks at the paper. Better still would be the scene with Uncle Sam and older Caleb (which IS labelled FLASHBACK) when he relates something of the journey he has undergone. This ends with Uncle Sam urging Caleb to go to Memphis and guard the paper with his life, so that is the scene that sets story events on their way.

Arguably, the MONTAGE is a child's flashes of memory on this first encounter with strange Uncle Sam, sitting at the family table, eating and laughing but with the secret always in the back of his mind. If you cut the montage for some notion of screenplay etiquette, you are left with two disjointed scenes.

It's got typo's, e.g. Mon for Mom on page 3, and steal instead of steel on page 21. Mona's face in a "demented grim" seemed appropriate in the circumstances! Some of the description is either unnecessary or unfilmable, but all round form is very good. I would cut a fair bit of dialogue (most Caleb-Tillinghast exchanges) and many things are said for effect rather than from the situation or to move the story (everything Smilin' Rod says; everything with sexy Guadalupe).

Conversely, some things are telegraphed in dialogue in an unnatural way. For example, Mona suspects her father is typing one word, "over and over and over again" when all she needs to remark on is the rhythm to the typing. The bartender is helpfully chatty to no good effect.

There is something deliberately off kilter about the story world (thousand dollar bill?) that recalls Twin Peaks, with the dark underbelly to coffee and pie. As it turned out, I was unclear what was behind it all, a reported Fountain of Youth may be a red herring and there is a bizarre denoument at Elvis's grave (mushrooms but all in all this a fun read for all its gore.

Others might disagree but I loved the character introductions as "types". Brad Dourif? Gotcha.

First off, thanks for reading the script, or at least the first two pages I sincerely appreciate the reads and comments are always useful. The perspective is enlightening.

I am aware of the DO's and DON'T's of screenwriting, as I was on the Zoetrope Virtual Studio since the '90s. The script nazis had established a beachhead there... I get it... anything that might cause a producer/agent to put the script down and move on through the massive pile they have should be excised... opening credit sequences, song titles, scenes that don't "move the plot along", directions, etc... really, I get it. But here's the thing... I don't care. I want to know if the story is good, that's all.

Film is a visual medium and that's the way I write. Sure, there are scenes that don't directly advance the main plot, but aren't they interesting, fun, weird? I think so. I also use more description than is probably necessary, and specific songs... oh well.

The great thing about films, and artistic endeavors in general, is that they are subjective... some people get it, some don't. NW3 got the opening scene and how it tied into the rest of the story, while Regular John didn't get it and thought it was ultimately unnecessary to start the script in such a manner. Both are valid from each perspective. I have no doubt some producers would pass on this script based on exactly the criticism Regular John has, and even if a producer liked it, they would most likely instruct me to write a "dumbed-down" version for other producers/investors. I'd have no problem doing that, but not here.

As for the story itself, all I really want to know is if it makes sense in the end. It seems like you got it, NW3... but to make sure, here's the basic plot...

Caleb's Uncle Sam acquired mushrooms that put him a coma and allowed him to live countless lifetimes in a utopian world. The experience caused him to prematurely age and die soon after. Uncle Sam gives an address to Caleb and asks him to visit it when he is ready. Years later, Caleb travels to Memphis to seek out the address, but gets sidetracked by the mysterious goings-on at motel. He is manipulated by two competing groups to find out Uncle Sam's secret. The film ends with a showdown and the villain eating all the mushrooms. Decades later, Caleb is now in his 80s and returns to the address to retrieve the mushrooms that have re-grown... he is surprised by another person from his past.

If none, or only some of that came though, I'd love to know.

While I wasn't using Twin Peaks as an inspiration, David Lynch and his films are always in the background of my writing, so good eye there. I'm old enough to have the same influences and references as Tarantino, but I haven't referenced a specific film of his, though you seemed to "get it" anyway. And an extra thanks for catching the typos, the author never catches everything.

Again, thanks, and I hope Regular John revisits the script, I'd genuinely appreciate the perspective and criticism. I'd also like to know why each of you chose to read this script.

And to anyone else who is kind enough to read it, I'll read yours and respond.

J

Hello J,

I was moved to comment because sometimes well-meaning advice can set the writer down a wrong path. I suspect Regular John was misled by the scene description SLYDE INN, MAGIC ROOM to see it as a nightclub stage rather than a purpose built location, as TORTURE CHAMBER or DUNGEON? Come on in, Johnny, and have your say.

In answer to your question, I chose to read the script firstly because of the title, it has a ring. Finding scripts here is easier than other sites, you pick a category and see at a glance which are likely to be worth reading. The logline usually confirms it. Even with an unpromising script, I might take a look at a page or two, but it's not usually a surprise when those first two aren't right. For me, yours are doing their job.

From what you say, you have been through the Zoetrope wringer. If you stick around there are people here prepared to give advice - I don't think there are any nazi's but quite a few script cops. "CUT TO"?! Take a ticket.

When I read your logline about strange denizens of a Memphis motel, I was put in mind of MYSTERY TRAIN. It's not that, but there is such confident writing that I would judge this has been through several revisions? That's possibly why I was unclear on the story, some things seem to be taken as read. For example, the mushrooms come out of nowhere in Plato's desk, and Scranton frantically scoffs the last morsel. "Goddamit, he got 'em all," so it's important. Why? "Something he found while he was in South America..." comes a bit late, it just needs a hint that this is what everybody is racing to secure or we're left lagging and it would have to be one charming m'fing script to just accept whatever the writer says.

OK, so Scranton had the last laugh, although what he was hoping to achieve I don't know. He gets it [***SPOILER***] moments later right between the eyes, so unless it was immortality in the afterlife, I was lost. Of course Uncle Sam related the accelerated nirvana bit, but there is no indication eating anything was the cause. I did wonder if the trip was worth it, considering the state he is in, and if Uncle Sam as the finder of the mushrooms was on a voyage of discovery, Caleb knows what to expect. If he really wants to go there, what is missing in this life?

As an aside, at no time did I understand the significance of the address, that might easily be committed to memory instead of written down for everybody to steal. I decided this was a McGuffin. It's Graceland?

So (apart from being a supercool location) how and why did the mushrooms grow on Elvis's grave? Why does Caleb come here at this very time? Was the 'Tour Guide' waiting with weapon toted, on the off-chance that he might show, or is she the eternal Guardian of the Grave and its secret, whatever that is? How long has Caleb been gone, has he lived an accelerated lifetime also, and if so how old is the tour guide now? What does he 'fear'? Is scoffing the mushrooms sending him to the same place as Scranton? I'm not looking for glib cosy answers, it is after all a mystery, so a dreamlike hallucinatory tone with not all things resolved is acceptable, but not nagging doubts and puzzlement. I wasn't disappointed by the ending, or confused, I just got the feeling there was something I missed, since I was having to make the leap re: Fountain of Youth, magic mushrooms, eternal afterlife, live now die later or whatever it was. I did spot the slight foreshadowing when Caleb jokes about soup.

I got the Twin Peaks vibe from references to the 45 record, carefully donated to young Caleb and mysteriously scratched from the Memphis Belle jukebox menu twenty years later, yet of no significance. Even the paper and its address ("3734, Memphis, Tennessee" as if it needed writing down) has no purpose that I could see. False trails and strange characters, I wouldn't think it out of place if one of the customers at the diner was cradling a log.

To add to the strangeness there is a hint that Elvis was secretly assassinated, although it's difficult to see how unless the killer was hiding around the U-bend with a stiff brush.

These aren't criticisms, I enjoyed the script. I would need to read it again to get everything you intend, for example in the general strangeness of behavior and frequent killings I didn't see there were "two competing groups". Mary Sue and Stanton share the Magic Room and more besides so I'm not sure of their relationship. I'll give it another look.

Yeah, "Script Police" is a bit better, "nazi" is way overused, but I had a Zoetrope flashback and typed in the moment.

Probably the best insight from your critique, in reference to the protagonist's journey... "If he really wants to go there, what is missing in this life?" Addressibng this could help develop Caleb's character.

The address isn't of much importance to the story, just an interesting reveal at the end, and a bit of weirdness for weirdness' sake.

When I revisit the script to edit the new draft, I'll have to make sure it's clear that the mushrooms do not grow back for 50 years. That's why they are so precious, besides the ability to transport you to a utopian world where it feels as if you are actually living inside a dream. The "dream" lasts lifetimes which is why the person dies soon after waking up. Uncle Sam also used them to escape the "bad guys" back in Memphis, as he thought hiding out in a rest home during his supposed coma would avoid detection.

The woman with the chanisaw at the end is Mary Sue... you think she's dead, but she has survived, guarding the mushrooms in case anyone comes along to pick them before she can. She's also the blonde maid from the motel, and Stanton's assisstant. I may have to make those connections a bit more apparent. Stanton and the owner of the strip club are the competeing crime bosses. They each have their own minions, some of whom are actually working for the enemy.

If I did this as a TV show, I'd play up the "Yojimbo" element to Caleb's role between the two, competeing groups. As it is, he's more of a Hitchcockian everyman, not sure of what's going on and being manipulated by various people.

I've particpiated in peer-review sites off and on for the last 20 years and can't remember a better crituque as yours. Thanks for looking past the flaws and getting into the story.

J

P.S. When I link to your screenname, it doesn't show if you have any scripts here... have you uploadied some?