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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Viva Matryoshka Moderators: bert
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  Author    Viva Matryoshka  (currently 1669 views)
Don
Posted: June 12th, 2013, 9:18am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Viva Matryoshka by Todd Bronson - Drama - A sexy, Hitchcock film noir about a Las Vegas performing hypnotist who becomes entranced with a dangerous transgendered, multi-personality femme fatale and helps her (or him) bring a serial killer to justice. 84 pages - pdf, format


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SAC
Posted: June 12th, 2013, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Todd,
Up to page 20.  This script of yours has totally got my interest.  Reading fairly quick, and the story appears solid this far in.  Will def keep reading.
A few early issues.  Your use of wrylies is incorrect.  Have them in parantheses, yes, but they should have their own separate line in the dialogue, not mixed in with the dialogue like you have it.  Easy enough to fix.  
Your copyright info should be on the title page, not spread over onto page 1.
But I'm hangin with it, Todd.  Write more when I finish.
Regards,
Steve


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ToddBronson
Posted: June 16th, 2013, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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Thanks...so far.   I always wanted to know where that damn blurb went. I register it, but never had it copyrighted.

Since the script wait to put up, the script was been cleaned up a bit. I've never had a feature clock in at 83 pages. I could have expanded it to include more cat and mouse, but it seemed to work below 90.

It was fun finding a story I could make into a first person, film noir. It all started with the fly ending of Psycho to begin it.

btw the title was changed to "The Nesting Doll."
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SAC
Posted: June 20th, 2013, 8:36pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Todd,
Okay.  Finished this last night. Thought it was really good!  As it stands, it's a well crafted narrative.  I was very satisfied with your ending.  Tied everything up nicely.  Revenge is always sweet.
However, there are some problems.  Use of song lyrics in a spec script is not good.  Unless you own the copyright or have permission from those that do they will have to go.  I know they are essential to what you are trying to convey, but you might have to think of another way to get your point across.  Perhaps construct some lyrics of your own based on a fictitious singer? I don't know.  Just something to think about.
Let's see, we already covered wrylies and copyright info.  
Not sure why on pg 1. you mentioned Norman Bates.  is that supposed to be the same detention room Norman Bates was in?  I haven't seen Psycho in a really long time so I don't remember if he even was in one.
Pg 1 again, you mention Psycho in reference to the fly being smashed.  I see what you're trying to do, but this is your script.  Also in a bag later on we see a copy of the movie Sybil.  I think we get the whole multiple personality angle.  No need to beat us over the head with it.
And as I recall, your action lines read a little too prose-like at times.  Not necessarily a bad thing.  Just tone it down.
And I also think it def could have been longer, maybe by around 10 pp or so.  Maybe give us more of a glimps into Dodge.  he was an interesting character, but we didn't get to know him all too well.
Anyway, other than that, I thought it was great.
Your dialogue came off very natural.
Your characters were well thought out.
And the scene where the detective had dogshit on his shoe was CLASSIC!  I laughed my ass off.  And you even set that scene up by showing us someone holding a dog on a leash before that.  You covered that base well.

Now, on a personal note.  I had only heard of Phil Ochs in passing.  Never really knew who he was until I looked him up on Wikipedia.  Political type folksinger with bi-polar and depression.  Were you familiar with him before this story or did your research somehow turn him up?  Just curious.
Personally, I'm a big fan of Harry Chapin and when I read more on Phil I realized Harry wrote a song about him called "The Parades Still Passing By."  I'd known that song for years and years, but only today did I realize who it was about.  Thanks for that!  Very cool.
Well, best of luck with your screenplay.  Take care.
Regards,
Steve


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ToddBronson
Posted: June 21st, 2013, 12:17am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the quality review.

I knew lyrics would be a negative and I've been smacked one too many times for it. However, the Black Sabbath song gets two points across. One she is the polar opposite of Phil and she is dangerous. I knew it would be changed if ever reached an option.

For years, Sean Penn wanted to depict Phil Oches, but never could for some reason lost to memory. Who knows, maybe he will produce it and James Franco can play the role. I knew Phil Oches life and music before the script. He is a complex and tortured person. He helped bring about the dual character in this script.

I like your idea of more pages for Dodge, but I'm wondering how to deal with bringing him in under the "first person."

Again thanks for your suggestions, I have changed/fixed the issues you raised earlier.
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