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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Cold Snap Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 26th, 2014, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cold Snap by Matthew Nsubuga (Majorgeneral316) - Drama, Thriller - During Christmas season - three young, bored and jobless teens hatch a plan to rob a family man’s traditional takeaway shop. 88 pages - pdf, format


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Posted: July 26th, 2014, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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Jacob sounds like Hulk Hogan...BROTHER.  

Trevor, Reece, and Jade are some little punks, ain't they?  Especially Reece.  That kid really had some big delusions of grandeur, huh?  He was so stupid.  So many times I thought to myself, 'man, this kid needs to get a fucking clue.'  They weren't very likeable characters, or even interesting ones for that matter.  I would never have bought the whole 'let's rob this joint because we're bored and need money' idea, but I definitely liked how you turned it around and made Reece want to rob the place because the owner gave him lip.  There are assholes like that who hold fat grudges like they hold fat shits.

While I didn't like Trevor, Reece, and Jade, I did like Jacob and Brookemorgan.  I liked how they were genuinely good people and seemed to be conflict/drama free with no problems.  It hits hard when the three punks burst into the store and turn their lives upside down.  Speaking of which, that's when things start to happen in your script - and I started to perk up a bit - but this needs to happen earlier.  It comes too late at p. 47 in an 86 page feature.

It's also a pretty contained story, so you have to do your best with keeping us entertained.  Since it's a fairly short page count, you wouldn't have to pull out surprises non-stop, but maybe 2-3 twists or shocking moments would have been good.  Like, for example, when Jade took off her mask and Reece flipped out on her, maybe he could shoot her so she couldn't tie them to the crime?  Or maybe he could shoot her when she reveals that she doesn't even care about him.  The shooting and "death" of Jacob was "sort of" a surprise, but the fact that he died from a leg shot really was like "meh."  I'm just saying...contained scripts have a tendency to get really boring really fast because the writer doesn't inject unpredictability or switch things up.  Hardly anything happened during this whole robbery sequence.  I suggest you think of things to make this section of the script really come off the page.  Maybe inject a ticking time bomb for Brookemorgan once she gets locked in the freezer - she has to figure a way out of this robbery situation before she freezes to death.  Just an idea....

Your ending felt too abrupt, as if you rushed it.  It all happened so fast and it's like "huh?"  It felt like you just wanted to get it over with and it shows.  I didn't like it at all.   I wanted to see some just deserts dished out.  I especially wanted to see Reece get his.  Their comeuppance was hinted at, but I wanted to actually see it happen.  I felt ripped off.  It was very disappointing.  I also felt Henry's alcoholism was explored in a very Lifetime Channel way.

The dialogue throughout was pretty bad.  It felt too direct and stiff.  When dialogue is bad, it definitely takes you out of the read.  You feel like you're reading a script and not a story.  I did like when Reece started joking around and naming off all the different slang names for money.  That felt real.  I even laughed because I sometimes do that when I ask my girlfriend if she has money...'hey babe, you got any money?  You know, some scratch, some cheddar, some green, some dead presidents' etc. etc.  LOL I saw myself in Reece for that one moment.

All in all, I wasn't impressed.  I wasn't flat out bored either, so don't get the wrong idea.  But don't take that the wrong way either - I do think this could benefit from an injection of unpredictability, twists-and-turns, and some urgency.  Jacob and Brookemorgan kept me reading.  Like I said above, I was digging their conflict/drama free life and it was upsetting to see these punks crash it.  I see potential here, you just have to milk it for all it's worth.  And in the end, it should be a fairly easy film to shoot.
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Majorgeneral316
Posted: August 2nd, 2014, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry for taking so long to reply Deadite.

Haha, sure BROTHER! In many ways Jacob is meant to be as likeable and inspiring as Hulk Hogan, so I'm pleased with the comparison.

I agree it is a contained story and the real challenge was keeping things interesting.  I know I can do more and I'm currently bouncing off ideas of how to do so. Ticking time bomb and maybe Jade getting shot are interesting ideas. But I also want the story stay as natural as possible and not tread into Hollywood cliche territory. So it is getting the balance really.

I had fears that Henry's alcoholism would come off as melodramatic and unnatural but I based a lot of what he did on a real person. Maybe I can do something differently there, I'm not quite sure yet.

The fact that you hated Reece that much, but saw yourself in him during that piece of dialogue is really nice to hear. It means some of what I tried to do actually came off luckily. I'll have another look over the dialogue and see what I can do there.

Milking it for what it is worth is what I intend to do and the fact that it would be a rather simple shoot will hopefully attract good producers and directors.

Thank you very much for the read man,

Matthew



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Posted: August 2nd, 2014, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Majorgeneral316
Ticking time bomb and maybe Jade getting shot are interesting ideas. But I also want the story stay as natural as possible and not tread into Hollywood cliche territory.


I see what you mean, but I wouldn't classify a ticking time bomb (or stakes and urgency) as "Hollywood cliche territory."  If you're writing some boring character study, then OK, you don't need those things, but you have a potentially exciting story that could benefit from raising the urgency and the stakes.  I mean, this is a story about a robbery that goes horribly wrong pretty fast.  You're gonna want to raise the stakes and create some urgency.  

Like I said before, as an example, have Brookemorgan locked in the freezer.  She has to find a way out and overcome the robbers before she freezes to death and her dad bleeds out.  Maybe it's not the best idea, but it's better than watching a bunch of characters sit around with all the time in the world.   Make it feel like shit has to happen or else.  The characters have to act, or else it's their ass.  You know what I mean?  It'll be way more exciting as opposed to everyone lounging around.

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