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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Forgive Not Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 9th, 2014, 4:59pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Forgive Not by Rion Martell - Drama - A gruesome tale of revenge about psychotic man who does not know how to forgive. 79 pages - pdf, format


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DustinBowcot
Posted: September 10th, 2014, 2:21am Report to Moderator
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Code

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING - 14 YEARS AGO.

JACOB (45) and MELISSA (22) are having crazy sex.

MELISSA
Give it to me harder!

JACOB
You want it harder?
I'll give it to you harder.

MELISSA
Oh yeah baby! Oh yeah!

The bed pounds the wall.



This is your opening scene and it reads like a comedy. I was expecting drama. If your sex scenes are handled like this, I dread to think how you deal with the rest. For me, it just isn't realistic. Reads juvenile.

I'll read a little more though, just to make sure...

Code

EXT. HOUSE - MORNING - CONTINUOUS
A car pulls into a drive way leading to a large house.



We know it's a house from the slug.

Code

INT. CAR - MORNING - CONTINUOUS
SANDI(44) a pretty and BALD woman drives the car down a long
drive way to a big house. Next to her is CODY (9).



Is this the same house and the same car? Maybe it is a different place though because this driveway is long, while the other is an ordinary length.

Code

SANDI
What did you get daddy from Disney Land?

CODY
I got him these.

Cody shows his Mickey Mouse ears.



So these are clearly arriving home after a trip to Disneyland. How did Cody keep the ears hidden from his mom for so long? They've come all the way back from Disneyland and this conversation only just comes up now? It isn't realistic.

How you've actually written the final sentence also reads as though Cody's own ears look like Mickey Mouse's.


Code

SANDI
He will sure look funny in those. Maybe
he can wear them to his next court case.



Would she use the word 'court' there? Wouldn't she just say 'case'?

What you're doing is called spoon feeding. You're spoon feeding the reader information and for some, that can be insulting. Like you think we're stupid or something.

OK. Well I'm out at the end of page 3. You still have quite a way to go. You write well enough and I feel that you are probably just writing out of your depth on this occasion. Stick to what you know.
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Lono
Posted: September 17th, 2014, 10:00am Report to Moderator
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Rion,

What were you trying to do with the opening scene?  Sandi is bald; are you implying that she has a medical condition or going through chemo-therapy? This could create some interesting conflict, but you cop-out and have her act like a raving maniac. Why does she pull a gun out and shoot her husbands mistress? She just got back from Disneyland. Why is Jacob so calm after witnessing a murder? It is all so unbelievable I can't read anymore of it. Best of luck with it.

Lono
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