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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Gag Rule Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 27th, 2015, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Gag Rule by Edward A Dreyfus - Drama - Based on a true story, a young, traditional, stay-at-home mom’s perfect world explodes when her high-school teacher husband is accused of sexually molesting his students. 127 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 30th, 2015, 8:09pm
updated draft
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Lightfoot
Posted: March 27th, 2015, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
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Couple of errors on page 7, small though. Erickson has a space in it and Linda's comment "Who’s the hottieat three o’clock?" needs a space in it.


Quoted Text
Linda nods. Waves goodbye and starts to leave


Just say she leaves, nothing happens that makes her stop so there no point in saying she starts.


Quoted Text
He bats his eye at her and squints like a pirate


This line read kind of funny to me, is he giving her a wink? squinting like a pirate is the thing I don't understand

Dolores's mother should be called the same name you've introduced her with.

Page 21 - Dominic's dialogue has a bit of action in it.


Quoted Text
then slowly unbuttons the buttons on the
front of her dress


...then slowly unbuttons  the front of her dress.


Quoted Text
I’m gonnaneed an ambulance


There are a few errors like this throughout what I've read so far.

Found it a bit odd for Natalie to show up at the BBQ and leave moments later, why not just have Lawrence and Dolores talks about her? In fact I think you can cut this scene entirely, doesn't add anything to the story IMO.


Quoted Text
not as your teacher. I sort of dreamed that I was your boyfriend and we made love  


This is a very odd thing for him to say, too forward I think too.

So far from what I've read this is an okay story, it gripped me enough to continue reading but only just, Lawrence's emotions seem to be all over the place too, seems to randomly freak-out at things.

I'll read the rest when I can
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EdwardD
Posted: March 31st, 2015, 9:51am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I don't know what happened in the conversion from Final Dfraft to PDF to cause many of the spacing problems. Thanks for catching them. I uploaded a new version.
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