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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Taking Stock Moderators: bert
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  Author    Taking Stock  (currently 4944 views)
Don
Posted: August 30th, 2015, 9:44am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Taking Stock by David Lambertson (eldave1) - Drama - A low level financial analyst must decide whether to risk his career, and perhaps even his freedom, by use insider trading information to bail his brother out of a gambling debt with a Las Vegas mob boss.   121 pages - pdf, format

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Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  April 1st, 2017, 8:08pm
revised draft
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eldave1
Posted: August 30th, 2015, 11:24am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for getting this u so quickly!

Well, my first attempt at a feature outside the comedy genre. Trying to grow


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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NickZ
Posted: September 1st, 2015, 4:25am Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed reading this story, it was well written and I found it pretty engaging. In terms of my feedback on it keep in mind my general lack of experience with screenwriting (some of my input might come down to differences in style and taste). Whenever I could I tried to include different examples, not to argue that this is the way this or that line should be written, but just to provide some specifics/reference points to any comments I had.  I've broken this up in two parts.

(May include spoilers)
General Story notes:
In terms of the story, you might want to consider doing a bit more in the first act with the insider trading concept.

Some Examples: Damian complains about low pay and in conversation brings up how much potential money he could possibly make if he did (something along the lines of "if I only bought  X number of shares I would have Y dollars in a couple of days). A discussion or news about someone from a rival firm getting caught for insider trading (where someone points out if they only had this or didn't do this they would have never been caught).

In terms of trading to pay off the loan shark, if Jake told Damian that Damian had to be the one to put the money in wouldn't that raise the tension/stakes a little bit. Damian would have to hide it from his wife, its a more direct parallel to Matthew (Damian essentially going all in one a single shot he cant afford to lose), the stock could wobble for a day or two (and we get to watch Damian react to that), and it would create a paper trailer from Damian back to Jake, giving Jake more leverage over Damian (making it easier to further extort/exploit Damian) also when Matthew goes to Jake's house at the end his primary motive would be getting back the incriminating paper trail (risking his life to protect his brother, recovering the money would then be a bonus).
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NickZ
Posted: September 1st, 2015, 4:35am Report to Moderator
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Page Notes

p1. "a gag in his mouth" Wouldn't just writing "gagged" work as well?
"held there by a strap that circles his head" It may be that I'm just a deviant, but I feel like you could write just it's strap and the reader already knows the function of the strap (to secure the gag) and that would go around his head. What about "its strap digs into or chafes his skin" So you are still informing the reader of the strap's function and that it goes around his head  in a more descriptive visual  sense while at the same time keeping the description relatively short. Example:

A gag in his mouth is held there by a strap that circles his head.

Gagged, its securing strap digs into his matted hair.    


p14 "will not be a problem for is just polite business dialogue between superior and subordinate"
Carlson's dialogue felt a little bit off for me here.

  "My  mistake" , I'm not sure why, but I kind of feel Carlson would never admit he had made a mistake even facetiously.

I feel like as a whole the dialogue block was a bit on the nose and maybe could be shortened. Maybe exchange the "polite business dialogue between..." phrase for something along the lines of not knowing the difference between "a social  nicety and an actual question" . I think you could tighten this up a bit and still maintain Carlson's tone of frustrated arrogance. Example:

"And you think forcing me to explain the difference between a social nicety and an actual question will get you home quicker. I assume it will not be a problem means there is no excuse for not getting this done"

The above example is kind of awkwardly phrased and is by no means great dialogue, I only include it because my feedback (that it's a bit on the nose) is kind of vague.  

p18 "It's Matthew Clarke" This is really nit-picky but if he's calling his loan shark who he owes a lot of many to, wouldn't they be on a first name basis?

p37 "adjacent to an metal..." Typo should be "a" and not "an"

p40 "Finally it's over" Matthew's death wish here kind of came out of nowhere for me, maybe include something to hint at it earlier. Maybe some actions/behaviour that implies contemplating suicide (looking solemnly down from a ledge/bridge/large height, or buying/staring at a massive amount of sleeping pills, Russian roulette, etc).

p60 "There's not time to get to a bank" I'm on the fence about the phrasing (it struck me as a bit odd when I read it but ok when I said it out loud), in any case wouldn't they just go to a an ATM or use a credit card (although you could get around that by saying the cash is necessary in case someone might track it).

p68 "a public call phone" Would just writing pay-phone work? Doesn't Andy have a cellphone (I figure since Damian looks after Andy he would have given Andy  one)?

p72 I lost track of the scene headings did ten full days go by (just something to double check as you revise).

"I had judged you as a quicker study" I'm not entirely sure what "quicker study" means (I've just never heard the phrase before).  

p105 Instead of Joel telling Damian she's having an affair, why not tell Damian that if he still really wants to know the answer is in the USB drive and let Damian wrestle with that dilemma (it could add a bit tension/inner conflict before he finds out).

Like I said I enjoyed this story, I hope this helps- Nick
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eldave1
Posted: September 1st, 2015, 10:08am Report to Moderator
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Nick - thanks for the read - much appreciated. I've combined your two posts into one:


Quoted Text
(May include spoilers)
General Story notes:
In terms of the story, you might want to consider doing a bit more in the first act with the insider trading concept. Some Examples: Damian complains about low pay and in conversation brings up how much potential money he could possibly make if he did (something along the lines of "if I only bought  X number of shares I would have Y dollars in a couple of days)....


I'm torn on this. The actual mechanics of the trade are a bit tedious and I am already concerned about the first act being sluggish. Hmmm - maybe injecting the topic into Jesse's meeting with the staff would do the trick. Will ponder.


Quoted Text
In terms of trading to pay off the loan shark, if Jake told Damian that Damian had to be the one to put the money in wouldn't that raise the tension/stakes a little bit........


I agree that this would be an interesting angle. But I can't really go this way. The gist of the story is that Damian is the type of guy if he had the money in the first place - he would just pay off the debt rather than commit a crime. He commits the crime because it really is his only choice. Also - he would have to have a considerable sum (about $500K) to pull it off).


Quoted Text
p1. "a gag in his mouth" Wouldn't just writing "gagged" work as well?
"held there by a strap that circles his head" It may be that I'm just a deviant, but I feel like you could write just it's strap and the reader already knows the function of the strap (to secure the gag) and that would go around his head. What about "its strap digs into or chafes his skin" So you are still informing the reader of the strap's function and that it goes around his head  in a more descriptive visual  sense while at the same time keeping the description relatively short. Example:

A gag in his mouth is held there by a strap that circles his head.

Gagged, its securing strap digs into his matted hair.    


Good suggestions - I'll consider.



Quoted Text
p14 "will not be a problem for is just polite business dialogue between superior and subordinate" Carlson's dialogue felt a little bit off for me here.


I'm ok with it as is.


Quoted Text
"My  mistake" , I'm not sure why, but I kind of feel Carlson would never admit he had made a mistake even facetiously.


You are right about Carlson's trait - the line was suppressed to be sarcastic. I'll double check to make sure it comes off that way clearer.


Quoted Text
I feel like as a whole the dialogue block was a bit on the nose and maybe could be shortened. Maybe exchange the "polite business dialogue between..." phrase for something along the lines of not knowing the difference between "a social  nicety and an actual question" . I think you could tighten this up a bit and still maintain Carlson's tone of frustrated arrogance. Example:

"And you think forcing me to explain the difference between a social nicety and an actual question will get you home quicker. I assume it will not be a problem means there is no excuse for not getting this done"

The above example is kind of awkwardly phrased and is by no means great dialogue, I only include it because my feedback (that it's a bit on the nose) is kind of vague.  


Don't agree with it being too OTN but definitely agree with it needs to be shortened. Probably combine your suggestions to something like "I wasn't asking a question. I meant just fucking do it.:


Quoted Text
p18 "It's Matthew Clarke" This is really nit-picky but if he's calling his loan shark who he owes a lot of many to, wouldn't they be on a first name basis?


They would -good catch.


Quoted Text
p37 "adjacent to an metal..." Typo should be "a" and not "an"


Got it - thanks.


Quoted Text
p40 "Finally it's over" Matthew's death wish here kind of came out of nowhere for me, maybe include something to hint at it earlier. Maybe some actions/behaviour that implies contemplating suicide (looking solemnly down from a ledge/bridge/large height, or buying/staring at a massive amount of sleeping pills, Russian roulette, etc).


I very much like this suggestion - also give a chance to add some pop in the first act.


Quoted Text
p60 "There's not time to get to a bank" I'm on the fence about the phrasing (it struck me as a bit odd when I read it but ok when I said it out loud), in any case wouldn't they just go to a an ATM or use a credit card (although you could get around that by saying the cash is necessary in case someone might track it).


It was the amount that was needed - not the method - that being said, I'm thinking about deleting this element altogether - doesn't really add anything.


Quoted Text
p68 "a public call phone" Would just writing pay-phone work? Doesn't Andy have a cellphone (I figure since Damian looks after Andy he would have given Andy  one)?


Excellent suggestion on Andy having a phone.


Quoted Text
p72 I lost track of the scene headings did ten full days go by (just something to double check as you revise).


From my count - yes.


Quoted Text
"I had judged you as a quicker study" I'm not entirely sure what "quicker study" means (I've just never heard the phrase before).  


It's a very common phrase


Quoted Text
p105 Instead of Joel telling Damian she's having an affair, why not tell Damian that if he still really wants to know the answer is in the USB drive and let Damian wrestle with that dilemma (it could add a bit tension/inner conflict before he finds out).


Hmmm - don't think I agree with this - Joel is too direct of a guy not to tell him.


Quoted Text
Like I said I enjoyed this story, I hope this helps- Nick


Helped a lot Nick - Again, very much appreciated you taking the time here.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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NickZ
Posted: September 4th, 2015, 2:25am Report to Moderator
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Glad some of it was useful. I don't have much experience with screenwriting so reading and posting feedback has been very helpful with regard to my own writing. I probably should have mentioned it in my prior post, but I thought the screenplay presented a really good example of using the non-lead characters in a way that helps drive the story. So that Andy's disability wasn't  just a way of making Damian more sympathetic but plays a role in how everything shakes out and how Amanda's tension with Damian leads back to his conflict with Carlson. So for me reading the script was definitely time well spent. Cheers!
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eldave1
Posted: September 4th, 2015, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from NickZ
Glad some of it was useful. I don't have much experience with screenwriting so reading and posting feedback has been very helpful with regard to my own writing. I probably should have mentioned it in my prior post, but I thought the screenplay presented a really good example of using the non-lead characters in a way that helps drive the story. So that Andy's disability wasn't  just a way of making Damian more sympathetic but plays a role in how everything shakes out and how Amanda's tension with Damian leads back to his conflict with Carlson. So for me reading the script was definitely time well spent. Cheers!


Thanks much!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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eldave1
Posted: February 29th, 2016, 7:51pm Report to Moderator
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A new draft up.

Thanks to NickZ for the prior comments and special thanks to Stevie Miles who PM's me some excellent notes.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Cameron
Posted: March 3rd, 2016, 6:32am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dave,

I've got half way through and I like it. As you know from my own effort which you helped me sort out, my formatting is pretty ropey so not sure I can help there, but I did find a few little typos:

P3 - someone who's going to missed - missing "be"
P13 - He sees that Damian's handles are - meant to be "hands"?
P15 - He opens he passenger side door - change to "the"
P18-19 - Three out of 4 consecutive dialogue lines start with "well", reads a bit odd.
P21 - Look it, let me go. - maybe just "look", not sure
P31 - Waste band - change to "waist band"
P38 - The question was fear - it is motivating? - change to "is it"?
P40 - And opens the closet - change to "Andy"

Just some tiny little niggles I spotted. Really enjoying it so far and looking forward to seeing where it goes,

Cheers

Cam
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eldave1
Posted: March 3rd, 2016, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Cameron
Hey Dave,

I've got half way through and I like it. As you know from my own effort which you helped me sort out, my formatting is pretty ropey so not sure I can help there, but I did find a few little typos:

P3 - someone who's going to missed - missing "be"
P13 - He sees that Damian's handles are - meant to be "hands"?
P15 - He opens he passenger side door - change to "the"
P18-19 - Three out of 4 consecutive dialogue lines start with "well", reads a bit odd.
P21 - Look it, let me go. - maybe just "look", not sure
P31 - Waste band - change to "waist band"
P38 - The question was fear - it is motivating? - change to "is it"?
P40 - And opens the closet - change to "Andy"

Just some tiny little niggles I spotted. Really enjoying it so far and looking forward to seeing where it goes,

Cheers

Cam



Cam - thanks much for the read and the errors spotted above- very valuable - it always amazes me how long I can look at something and keep on missing stuff - oh well, the bane of writers. Thanks again.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Cameron
Posted: March 3rd, 2016, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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No worries at all Dave, will let you know if I come across anything else.

Quick tip for finding them I worked out is once finished just press ctrl+A (select all) on the keyboard, then ctrl+C (copy), and paste it all into a MS Word document (assuming you're not using Word for your writing software). It's pretty good for picking up typos and syntax issues.

I did that last week when I though I'd finished my piece, but found all sorts of things that I'd missed!
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eldave1
Posted: March 3rd, 2016, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Cameron
No worries at all Dave, will let you know if I come across anything else.

Quick tip for finding them I worked out is once finished just press ctrl+A (select all) on the keyboard, then ctrl+C (copy), and paste it all into a MS Word document (assuming you're not using Word for your writing software). It's pretty good for picking up typos and syntax issues.

I did that last week when I though I'd finished my piece, but found all sorts of things that I'd missed!


Cool - nice tip


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Cameron
Posted: March 10th, 2016, 5:35am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dave,

Got round to finishing it. Really good read, liked the twist in his relationship with Amanda, and also the way the brothers came together works (wondered how that was going to pan out).

Found a couple of other little typos:

P61 - are you doing to know - change to "going"

p68 - You didn't anything wrong - missing "do"

In relation to the stock/company name used, you might have to come up with another as there's already a stock listed as "EDN", and also an existing Eden Corporation. Nightmare I know, having to make up company names that don't exist, but just in case anyone got their knickers in a twist over insider trading associations and that...

Anyway, good read as I said Dave, well in mate

Cam
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eldave1
Posted: March 10th, 2016, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, friend - I fixed the typos and reloaded yesterday - hopefully will be up soon - greatly appreciate you read and the comments - thanks much.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
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Hey David,

Thought I’d open your work to see what’s you’ve been up to lately. Couldn’t put this one down. This script in particular is a reader’s “best case scenario”; it’s written cleanly and tells very engaging story.

SPOILERS

The opening scene is intense. Even when the dialogue tended to get melodramatic, its excellent pace more than made up for it. Damian’s torture was well visualized and executed. Speaking of Damian, good job noting his anxiety weakness early on—and how it affects him professionally. That said, Damian’s boss Carlson is a huge asshole, steals the show while surfacing Damian’s fears, and it works well.

As expected, your dialogue is well above par. I haven’t been regular on the site for awhile, but if folks haven’t started calling you the dialogue guru yet—I’ll ask you first. Matthew’s reaction to winning another “roll” is great characterization. “You know, before it kills me.” is a great line from Matthew and solidifies the best intro of the script.

“The package. Tell them we have the package in the car. Not the fucking stuff.” Just amazing lines.

Matthew’s attempted suicide on page 20 is powerful, stressed by his dream that gives a psychological reveal to his gambling addiction. It’s a good example of how a flashback works, but I didn’t care for how he lost the bet here; moreover, showing the consequences so soon, if at all. Matthew’s fucked up, we already know what happens.

I enjoyed family moments a lot. The reunion between Matthew, Damian, and even Amanda promotes the characters in a way that makes you care about what happens to them. While the rest of the world despises flashbacks, you went out of your way to ink a killer one at The Mason Creek Canal. Oh decisions, decisions. Immediately after the flashback however, the commentary on it drags.

Another strong part was when Damian gets in over his head as the insider trading goes wrong. “There isn't really a delicate way to put this, so I will just be blunt. She's fucking your boss.” Damn, this reveal is like Scrooge McDuck swimming in gold. At least now we know Russo isn’t bullshitting the poor schmuck lol!

I’m not sure if I care for the Amanda/Carlson hotel scene. I laughed after he said he’d cancel and she replied “no”, but damn I hate that bitch. The arc just took the breath out of everything that has been escalating in the 3rd Act. Still it was pretty funny, I’d imagine that zinger to be a hard one to cut.

Russo is knocked back to the wall. A red hole the size of a quarter is on the center of his forehead. His dead eyes are frozen open. A swath of blood streaks the white wall as Russo slides to the floor. Nice description.

Some nitpicks:

If I had to point out something, the way you introduce characters has a tendency to be physical and generic. It doesn’t align with the other strong points of your craft. Jake Peterson might as well be a bagger at a grocery story, such a poor character name for his age and the gravitas of his role.

On page 25 Matthew states, “I’ll get the money” followed by, “That’ll square us?” Is he serious? He literally just tried to off himself. Maybe he’s just keeping the charade going, but man that sounded weird.

I wasn’t a fan of Matthew shouting, “Finally, it’s over!” Also when Russo says, “You are so fucking dead!”, “Answer me, you faggot! (beat) God damn it!”—takes away from subtext, standing out in an obvious way.

Russo’s killing spree starts to fall into eye rolling territory. I get Ray, he messed up. But Davis? Poor guy. If he hates addicts, you set it up with “And don’t steal the tip from the waitress.” The top of page 51 would be a good time to deliver on that  - maybe “Fucking addicts” instead of “Too easy”. That would also explain why he hates Matthew for extra-credit. We already know Damian isn’t going to be interrogated with feathers so…

My biggest gripe is Damian overcoming his own internal issues. Going after Carlson is small fish. He should’ve conquered that clown much sooner and quicker. I felt Damian needed to be involved with Russo and Jake and “bonding” with his brother in the end.

- Page 34 Carlson rubs his chin with his hands as he peers at the Damian's briefing material.
- “Modest” becomes repetitive too fast. Don’t kill your screenplay’s brand, this ain’t a modest script.
- Page 80 Tony Williams sits propped up in a hospital bed. as he eats dinner from a tray.
- Page 81 You're awful quite.

The quality most certainly answers the call of duty. Great characters. In the contest circuit, I could see this get near perfect scores in every category except maybe marketability and concept. Dialogue gets a 10 for sure. Great job! Your time will come.
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