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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  The Addict Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: October 9th, 2015, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Addict by Mark Rainbow - Drama - A drug addict starts a relationship with the assassin that tried to kill him and they explore each other’s secretive lives. 111 pages - pdf, format


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cloroxmartini
Posted: October 11th, 2015, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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FADE IN: EXT. STREET DAY

We see scruffy boots shuffling down the street and into a supermarket.

INT. SUPERMARKET DAY

PETE walks down an aisle. He's a tramp with long hair and a beard. he's wearing scruffy clothes with a dirty jacket. He stops and picks something up, then carries on walking. Pete stands at the counter. The employee looks very tired. He puts down toilet paper and alcohol. The employee checks the prices without any expression.

INT. PETE'S HOUSE DAY

Pete walks into his kitchen, wearing pajamas and turns the kettle on. The doorbell rings. He walks to the front door and opens it. Two men are standing there, wearing suits. Pete sits on his couch with the two men sitting opposite him.

MAN IN SUIT
So, Peter.

PETE Please call me Pete. And tell me what the fuck you're doing here.

MAN IN SUIT Well your grandfather, George has recently passed away. Did you know that?

PETE
No, we weren't close.

MAN IN SUIT
Well even so, he has left you some money in his will and we are here to hand that money over to you.

The other man in a suit opens a briefcase which is full of money. Pete stares at it for a while.

PETE Hold on, that's mine?

MAN IN SUIT Yes, Peter

INT. SHOP DAY
Pete walks quickly through a shop then stops in front of a HI-FI system.

You did a great thing with getting to the point real fast and that is what most people would do with a gift like this, spend it.

But reading through all that, a little painful.

So, read this:

FADE IN:

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

PETE, 30-something but looks far older as he hasn't seen a shower or razor for months, shuffles to a SUPERMARKET.

INT. SUPERMARKET - NIGHT

Pete places toilet paper and a fifth of whiskey on the counter.

The CASHIER rings him up without looking.

INT. PETE'S HOUSE - DAY

Pete's on the couch, snoring, wears the same clothes. Next to him is the toilet paper and the empty fifth's on the coffee table.

The stove clock clicks off 8:30 and the doorbell buzzes.

Pete snores.

The doorbell buzzes again, then knocking comes.

Pete wakes, drags his ass to the door and opens to two MEN IN SUITS.

MAN IN SUIT #1
Pete Whatsyourname?

MOMENTS LATER

The two men sit opposite Pete.

MAN IN SUIT #1
So, Peter.

PETE
Pete. Name's Pete. What do you want?

MAN IN SUIT #1
Your grandfather, George, recently passed away. Did you know that?

PETE
What'd you say his name was?

The men share a glance.

MAN IN SUIT #2
He left you this.

Man in suit #2 slides a briefcase over and opens it. It's full of money.

PETE
Shit

MONTAGE

In a stereo shop Pete looks at a new HI-FI system.

At home Pete listens to the HI-FI system.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Then list all the other stuff you have going on.

The list you have is good. It's what someone would do.


I just made a quick make over so you can see how to write more condensed and say the same thing. You don't need to show Pete walking to get to your point.

Two men are standing there, wearing suits.

That's a long sentence. 7 words, no action. Two men in suits greet Pete. 6 words and action. Play with words but in general if you use words ending with "ing" you can almost guarantee the sentence can be rewritten shorter. Rewritten to be shorter. Even there is two words. Word count is not the point, quick read is the point.

What about this action sentence:

Pete stands at the counter. The employee looks very tired. He puts down toilet paper and alcohol.

No "ing" words but there is something amiss. Who puts down the toilet paper and alcohol? Of course it's Pete but the action dangles from who does it, making a tougher read. It's not REAL TOUGH  but it is a pause and you need to eliminate ALL PAUSES. It's a small stop to look back and say "who put the toilet paper and alcohol down?" Just say it, don't direct. Directing gets in the way of telling your story.

Do we care if the employee is tired? You can't film tired but you can film the employee ringing up the tab without looking at Pete. That indicates something about the employee. It's not important to the story. However if it was you could have the employee yawn and then ring up Pete. Show tired, don't say (write) it.

The way this is written is too slow for what it is however it seems to move quickly despite the way you write, so if you tightened it up with some of the stuff I showed you this would read faster and hook faster. I wasn't hooked.

EXT. 2ND BUS STOP NIGHT

We see a dark unknown figure crouched behind a wall near another bus stop. When the bus gets there they get on it

Get rid of every "we see" you have. "A dark unknown" does not equal "they." Is Pete at this 2nd bus stop?

INT. HOSPITAL DAY

We see the hospital ceiling with the lights going past as Pete is being wheeled through the hospital. His face is dirty and scratched as the lights hit it. There is a beeping noise in the background.

Pete is asleep in a hospital bed

Is Pete now in a room or in the hall? Scene change. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM...

Pete sleeps, his vitals beep in the background.

The problem I have is the hit. I didn't get it. Guess at this point I don't have to. Then Pete goes home and all his stuff is gone. That's it for me. If I read more I'll comment.

I would not call this "THE ADDICT." I would call this "THE INHERITANCE."


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eldave1
Posted: October 11th, 2015, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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Solid advice in the above post Cloromartini:

I won't repeat what you did - but it does serve the old adage of don't start a scene to early and never leave it too late - make the point and move. You did a nice job on the advice here.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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BradK
Posted: October 11th, 2015, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Mark!

I've read up to page 32, and although you do some things generally well in this script, some things are left to be desired. For me, I think everything in this story is happening way too easily. For example, when Emily stands off with Pete, showing him the gun as if saying "you are my hostage", Pete says, "Well I don't have a choice I guess". That small sentence spoke volumes to me, as we are casually introduced to Pete's ex, casually walking into a Funeral just because of "respect", casually going to a party and hooking up with a girl doing drugs and then casually being welcomed back by a relationship started with a murder. The key word, casual, stuck with me as I was reading as Pete, who is supposed to be the person making key choices in this script, seems to just be drifting through circumstances created by everything else, even just having the money to begin with.

You had my attention at the start with an intriguing sequence, but lost me as the story went further and further along. Try to create more conflict. If the protagonist makes a choice, why does he make that choice? Don't make everything so easy. If Emily wants him to stay against his will, why stay? Why just accept it?

Before I get into some general notes, I was wondering if you could tell me what the theme of the story is. Why does Pete start a relationship with an assassin, and what about it helps him change as the story progresses? Anyway, I think you've got a solid start, but some revisions are definitely needed.

-Pete gets shot in the arm, but he holds his chest. Confusing description.
-Cops call him boy, but Pete is described as a scraggly bearded man. Which is he?
-p. 5: paragraphs of description need to be trimmed.
-Why introduce Anna there? Why is she there, asking the same thing the other woman just asked about earlier?
-Why go to the funeral if he didn't care about his grandfather in the first place? Seems out of character.
-p. 17: Pete: "You? Really? Really?" - sentence doesn't make sense in the conversation.
-Pete's dialogue can come off as telling, especially with Emily. Just show us what's going on, and we'll not only understand what's going on, but help the reader engage more with the scene.
-Emily's gun wasn't loaded? Why doesn't he just make a break for it, or at least pissed he thought it was?
-Emily wants to change, but she talks about her job so matter of factly as if that's who she is. So she wants to change, but so easily talks about what she does as if she doesn't want to change. Again, why does she talk about her work so easily instead of changing the subject?
-Pete suddenly wants to be with Emily after already hooking up and doing drugs. Why does Pete really want to be with Emily, or is it not about want but NEED? The thought process is confusing.
-What is the Act One break? What new world are we transitioning to?

Good luck with your revisions!
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Marcela
Posted: October 16th, 2015, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark, I just read the first 10 pages. The title is very catchy but you need something better, more connected to the story. In main slug lines, put a dash between the place and day/night. For example  EXT. FIELD - DAY. The cocaine - money exchange seems a bit unrealistic. Surely dealer wouldn't be opening a big bag of cocaine like it was a bag of sugar and giving Pete a bit, they usually use scales to measure every gram. Unless it's a comedy script? I might be back to read more, take care
Marcela


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