In Search of James Dean by Justin Murphy - Drama - A young individual goes to a small town in Georgia searching for an old man who might be James Dean. 83 pages - pdf, format

First thoughts.. I don't think anyone actually cares about James Dean anymore. What did the guy do, really? He died in a car crash. That's what he's known for. Not for the great work he did, but for the great work he might have done had he lived.

If he was ugly nobody would care.

I think that as a race of human beings that we need to start considering why these things are pushed upon us through the media. How they are used to manipulate the way we think.

Even here, with this script, the name is used to enhance its visibility and therefore your own as a writer. So, I suppose in a way you're actually setting a very high bar for yourself. Anyone with the nerve to use something like this to further themselves better be very, very good.

I see this is based on your own short story that I've never heard of. Is it well known? If it is based on your own work and that work isn't known, then there isn't any point in mentioning it. It's simply a short screenplay.

Code EXT. STREETS OF CHOLAME, CALIFORNIA DAY0 SEPTEMBER 30, 1955. A PORSCHE 550 SPYDER drives down the road. JAMES DEAN and a friend are in the car. Turn west on ROUTE 466. They whiz by a FORD station wagon.

You've got a lot to learn. Screenplay is a visual format. You don't tell the story, you show it. It's very difficult to master.

There is a lot wrong with the above and I've just realised how long it's going to take to explain why. Oh well, I've started so I'll finish, as the late, great Magnus would say. Magnusson that is, not Carlsen. He's still alive... but as equally great.

Probably best to just break it down actually:

Code SEPTEMBER 30, 1955.

The above belongs in a super.. unless you want to go the visual route. For example, you could have a guy buy a newspaper, read the back page, it gets taken by the wind, lands on a sleeping tramp's face with the date and year clearly emblazoned on the front. Maybe it was a special year, a special day in more ways than one. Research is your friend... and so is visual story telling.

Code A PORSCHE 550 SPYDER drives down the road.

A Porsche 550 Spyder and it is merely being driven along a road? Come now. Replace drives with races and you create a far more likely image, and, indeed, the actual image you want to convey. It's not simply being driven is it?

Code JAMES DEAN and a friend are in the car.

Where in the car are they? Who's driving? FRIEND also needs to be in uppercase as it's a new character.

Code Turn west on ROUTE 466.

Is this an order? What if I'm nowhere near Route 466? If you're suggesting that the car turns onto Route 466 then say so.

Code They whiz by a FORD station wagon.

What is the Ford Station Wagon doing? Is it being driven too? Maybe it is parked up? Broken down? Being chased by police? The visuals are incredibly unclear. Write what we see, that is all.

First the logline. "Young individual" doesn't say enough about him. Tell us something about his character. Why is he searching for James Dean? I don't really care that he's looking for him, but I want to know what drives him. And what happens if he doesn't find him? These are things you put in a logline to get people interested.

(1)
James Dean lies here? Where is here? In the car, on the road? Clearly it's in the car, but at the time of that line, I'm not sure. Remember to be clear with what we see.

(7)
These first seven pages are really weird. I don't know how the story turns out, but why would you need to show us them? Everyone thinks he's dead, so why does the audience need to know that he's alive? Isn't it more dramatic / whimsical / poetic if this "young individual" is searching for someone who everyone agrees is dead? But this prologue takes away from that mystique.

That said, I have no idea how your story plays out, so it's a very early criticism that I might take away the more I read.

How old is Gary? Give us an age, so we know what we're dealing with.

(8 )
Would he really say "James Dean...this can't be" out loud? It's hokey. At most, the photo would be of someone who looked *like* James Dean

(9)
You're using a lot of sentence fragments for your action. While you can technically do whatever you want, things like "shrugs" or "nods" are confusing. Who is doing this? The mother, the son?  Changing it simply to "she shrugs" will make it feel less stilted.

(10)
Douglas has a speaking roll here. But there is no Douglas in the script. I think you meant Gary.

And now I'm really confused. You're telling me James Dean, Hollywood superstar, was able to get his name changed after he "died" and had an official death certificate? Or was his original name James Douglas and he changed it to James Dean? Because the way it's written, the mother is surprised because it shows that there is a James Douglas in Georgia, just like the photograph states. I don't know a whole lot about name changing certificates, but I belive it's a fairly intricate process that dead people can't file for. Furthermore, if he was dead, why would he get a legal name change?

(11)
The rest of the dialogue in this scene is on the nose. "In case you've forgotten, my candle business went bust..." He didn't forget. Anytime you use the words "in case you've forgotten" it's obvious that it's purely exposition for the audience. Then you do it again "that was supposed to be our college fund...remember?" and "then you dropped out of high school..." You're telling us information as opposed to letting us organically find out.
You're doing the right thing by setting up their circumstances and reasons, but I suggest finding a more interesting way to present the information.

(15)
This goodbye scene feels so hollow. Why is she just letting her son go on a "wild goose chase?" She's letting her boy go alone in the middle of nowhere to find probably nothing. I feel she should have more of a reaction. This is a drama, after all. She should be adamant that he can't go. You have no money Gary! You gotta go to college. You dropped out of high school you worthless piece of shit! You're chasing down wild and crazy dreams because your life is turning into a dead end! James Dean is DEAD. You're making up crazy stories because you're too afraid of facing responsibilities as an adult. You're fucking crazy, GARY!

Yes, that's melodramatic, but if the mom was that kind of character, we'd feel the conflict. On one hand, we'd know that this trip is a BIG stretch and he seems to have run out of ideas of what to do with his adult life. But at the same time, there's that bit of hope and adventure that's calling to him. So he runs away. Says fuck you mom, I gotta do this. Just a suggestion because the drama here is so mild because the mom is way too cool with everything.

I really like the idea of this story. But I think it's a mistake to have the prologue with what happens to James Dean. You have to make it ambiguous that Gary might be running into a dead end situation. Cause that's growing up.

Though I have no idea what your story is about. I only got 15 pages in, but I think your set-up needs to be worked on.

Thanks for the feedback.

I think the word is 'taciturn'.

R

No I'm appreciative of their feedback. There's a lot I need to learn as a screenwriter. And it's good they called me out on it.