SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 5:28am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Prisoner Sixty Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 5 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Prisoner Sixty  (currently 1792 views)
Don
Posted: November 25th, 2015, 7:35am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Prisoner Sixty by Patrick J Gillespie  - Drama, War, Escape - At the height of World War Two, two escaped Prisoners of War, risk their own Freedom to break into a notorious POW camp to save their comrades.  105 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  September 26th, 2016, 5:16pm
revised draft
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Patrick
Posted: August 21st, 2016, 11:37pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Sydney Australia
Posts
60
Posts Per Day
0.02
The final draft of this script.


Patrick J Gillespie
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 13
TonyDionisio
Posted: August 22nd, 2016, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

Location
Tennessee
Posts
768
Posts Per Day
0.20
Is that the final draft of the logline as well?
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 13
Patrick
Posted: August 22nd, 2016, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Sydney Australia
Posts
60
Posts Per Day
0.02
Yes it is, I may take another look at it.


Patrick J Gillespie
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 13
DustinBowcot
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 2:12am Report to Moderator
Guest User



It's not a logline, it's a question That might work for a short - just. For a feature though, you must tell us the entire story in one sentence. You can use two, but you'll get more marks for just one.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 4 - 13
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 3:06am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3382
Posts Per Day
0.63
At the height of World War 1/2/3, two escaped Prisoners of War, risk their own freedom to break into into a notorious POW camp to save their comrades.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 13
Warren
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 3:45am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
Had a quick scan because it's a war script by a fellow Aussie and I'm a Vet myself.

I really hope this isn't the final draft because straight away there are issues on page 1.

It's very over written.

Your first five or so scene headings are all the same. You only need a new one if something actually changes, time of day, location, inside/outside.

Might be a great story hidden in there but it would be a hard read I imagine.

Actually working on my own war feature called The Digger, maybe we can a script exchange when I'm done.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 13
Patrick
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 6:58am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Sydney Australia
Posts
60
Posts Per Day
0.02
Thanks for the comment Warren. I wrote the intro that way so as the opening credits, even if it is the principle credits, can appear without dialogue. Which the Audience can find annoying, to have dialogue and credits at the same time.


Patrick J Gillespie
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 13
TonyDionisio
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

Location
Tennessee
Posts
768
Posts Per Day
0.20
Pat (may I call you Pat?)

Don't worry about the credits as a speculative screewriter. Worry about story and flow - pretend you have a timer connected to a stick of dynamite, counting down and it reads 10 minutes... The exact amount of time you have to suck in a reader.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 13
TonyDionisio
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

Location
Tennessee
Posts
768
Posts Per Day
0.20

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
At the height of World War 1/2/3, two escaped Prisoners of War, risk their own freedom to break into into a notorious POW camp to save their comrades.


I believe you can lose the 2nd comma.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 13
Patrick
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 11:58pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Sydney Australia
Posts
60
Posts Per Day
0.02
Thanks for the comment Tony Dionisio, I will take another look at the logline. It does need a re-write. Yes you may call me Pat.


Patrick J Gillespie
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 13
Patrick
Posted: September 19th, 2016, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Sydney Australia
Posts
60
Posts Per Day
0.02
Revised log line (I hope Scar Tissue Films don't mind? I really liked it.)
Revised some of the script.


Patrick J Gillespie
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 13
FrankH
Posted: September 25th, 2016, 7:32pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
170
Posts Per Day
0.06
Hey Patrick,

Had a look at the first 10 pages.

Don't think there should be a page number on page 1.
EXT. PAPUA NEW GUINEAN JUNGLE - AFTERNOON --- If location/time/outside/inside doesn't change, no need to repeat slug.
Personally, I would put (in Japanese) or just (Japanese) in parentheticals, instead of writing a headline/NOTE.
EXT. KOKODA TRACK - DAY  -- should this have a SUPER, or explaining "Kokoda Track?"
Seems like you only cap characters that have dialogue. Me, I like to cap any characters, even if no dialogue, makes it more clear, sometimes.
Maybe trim some of the character descriptions (hair, eyes, etc, do we need to know that? ...)
Australian patrol -- how do we know? Their uniforms? or something else. Same with the Japanese patrol.

Overall, the dialogue is pretty good. Some trimming, but works. I liked it.
Action is over written and telling/novel, not visual at times. Needs trimming and visualization, IMO.

The concept/genre is not exactly my cup of tea, but it felt somewhat authentic, seems like you've done some research/read-up.

Re: your log line, why not use The Second World War instead of World War Two ...  

Good luck with your story.

Frank


FEATURES:
Strength of a Soul (Thriller/Supernatural)
Inconceivable Pain (Thriller)

SHORT COMEDY:
Heads or Tails
Happy Birthday
Size Doesn't Matter

SHORT DRAMA:
Imaginary Friend
Sleepwalking

SHORT THRILLER:
Unbreakable Bond
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 13
Patrick
Posted: September 26th, 2016, 7:45am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Sydney Australia
Posts
60
Posts Per Day
0.02
hi Frank H,
thanks for the read, my bad that was a old version which was mistakenly uploaded. I did not realise until you pointed it out in your comment. the most recent version just went up. Should take a few days before it is on the site.
I felt there was no need to have Nationality identifier in the script, only when stated. As 90-95 per cent of the fighting was between Australian and Japanese forces. it would not be until November 42, that US and Australian forces fought together in the battle of Buna-Gona.
but more work will be done for sure.
Pat


Patrick J Gillespie
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 13
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006