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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  IWAGM -- No You Don't Moderators: bert
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  Author    IWAGM -- No You Don't  (currently 1215 views)
Don
Posted: March 19th, 2016, 9:18am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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IWAGM -- No you don't by Robert L. McBride - Drama, Romantic Comedy - Four very different women search for their idea of the perfect man; however, they learn that no good man is perfect...not even the man God sends. 107 pages - pdf, format


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LuisAnthony
Posted: March 20th, 2016, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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Robert.

I`m not sure its the best bet to put "they learn that no good man is perfect¨" in the logline. Wouldn`t that count as the moral of the story? If so, you`re giving away the state of mind your main characters end up in, which should never be in a log line. Keeping it at "Four very different women search for their idea of a perfect man" will suffice. You want the reader to follow along with your characters and see where they will end up.


Quoted Text
This room is military neat.


I like that.


Quoted Text
Meet CONNIE TRIFE (38 ). Not a physical flaw in sight.


I like that too.


Quoted Text
Her
smile is endearing but her self-confidence and boldness can
be very intimidating.


Don`t tell us this, the readers will learn to know this about her as they read. Some good character development will get around to that. You only put on script what we can see. And we can´t see that Connie is too bold and intimidating. You could hint at it however, describe her posture, her body language, maybe something in the room that could give us an idea of her traits.

I like the dialogue, seems fluent and strong, good job!

I will not be continuing the script as this is not a kind of story I like to invest much time on. However, I did like the fluent writing and dialogue. The flaws were minimum.

Keep it up!

- Luis  
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