Come Back Maggie by Bill Water - Drama - Washed up on a beach with a dying friend, Jack Dawson can barely walk.  Then Maggie Fitzgerald, the main character in Million Dollar Baby, appears in a vision, leading him on a thirty-two mile run to get help.  But it only leads to a darker night as he tries to save the life of Hilary Swank, the actress who played her.   111 pages - pdf, format

Hey Bill,

Got through the first few pages and noticed you need a lot of work. Although the writing isn't terrible, it's just not that good.

Example:

INT. A GARAGE - AFTERNOON
Just say GARAGE. Get rid of A. Or specify who's it is:

INT. JACKS HOME - GARAGE - DAY
Unless it's vital it must be afternoon, just use day.

You use the word 'and' too much. It's almost reads like a toddler trying to explain something. Try to eliminate is, are, and 'and' as much as possible to make for a easier read.

This description at the bottom of the first page is shocking.

TRICIA opens the door, and Jack takes a step back, because she is hot.

Describe to us how she is hot? Colour of her hair? Busty? Slim? Beaming smile? How old is she? Is she a cougar? Is she fresh out of college? You need to re read your script from the perspective of someone who has no idea of what is going on. We aren't mind readers.

And I'm not too sure about showing a already produced movie within yours. There will be copyright issues you have to hurdle to do so, leagally.

There is potential here and the idea is cool, but I'd suggest you read a few more produced scripts and do a it more research. Even read a few of the scripts posted on here. Some of them are written beautifully.

Stick around here and use these forums because you can really learn a lot from these people. And take critism as a positive. I know it hurts to be told your work sucks, but it's for the best.

Bill,

The logline alone, was enough to force me to take a look. A potentially hilarious premise. Visions of "Being John Malkovich" danced in my head. Unfortunately, I could only get through about five pages. Formatting issues aside, it's just not as sharp and funny as I was expecting it to be. I might give it another shot at some point, just to see how this crazy plot evolves, but it definitely needs a bit of work.

Best