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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Hera Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: October 9th, 2016, 10:14am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hera by Ben Clifford - Drama, Mystery - A writer investigates a decades-old murder in a small Australian town, uncovering the town's horrific secrets and putting her personal life on the line .  83 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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AlsoBen
Posted: October 9th, 2016, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for getting this up so quick.

I appreciate anyone taking a look at this. I'll gladly swap a read of a feature.

If you read it, hope you like


MY SCRIPTS:

I Don't Even Think About You Anymore (Short) 5 pages

Hera (Mystery/Drama) 83 Pages

What A Good Boy Does (Short/Drama) 10 Pages
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Warren
Posted: October 10th, 2016, 3:02am Report to Moderator
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I finished it, didn't reread the whole lot, just from where it stopped.

Story wise, I  enjoyed it and I could definitely see it made as an Aussie movie (obviously).

I don't know, the last 10 pages felt rushed.

Some crazy big spacing on pg 68, not sure what happened there.

Quite a bit of passive writing.

Killiam is crying, Greta is panicking, pawing at the seatbelt. The last 15 or so pages is riddled with this kind of writing.

Pg 70 you have:

heading to the

FOYER - CONTINUOUS

The continuous really isn't necessary, the way you have written it we automatically assume that.

Not sure if it's just because it was rushed but you mix up your lays vs lies often. If it's an issue there are heaps of articles that clear it up.

Anyway, those last few comments are just random nit picks, take it or leave it, as always.


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AlsoBen
Posted: October 10th, 2016, 3:39am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading Warren.

I disagree about the passive action. I mean I agree that it's passive, but I've never seen it as an issue. I don't even notice it when I read it in other scripts. I dunno. Obviously most disagree, and I'll go through and fix it, but I've never understood why.

I agree about the last ten pages. I'll fix that up.


MY SCRIPTS:

I Don't Even Think About You Anymore (Short) 5 pages

Hera (Mystery/Drama) 83 Pages

What A Good Boy Does (Short/Drama) 10 Pages
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eldave1
Posted: October 10th, 2016, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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Ben - I will try to get to more letter. But the first two pages are filled with typos. e.g.,


Quoted Text
EXT. BINDIRIN MAIN STREET – DAY


Since you don’t continue the use of Bindirin in the next slugs – no need to put it here. I would just add City of Bindirin to your SUPER. If you are going to leave it here – I think it needs to be
BINDIRIN/MAIN STREET - DAY


Quoted Text
Lined by timber-built stores, and art deco pubs.


You don’t need a comma after stores.


Quoted Text
Two small boys, JOHN and MERRICK, both about 9 year old,


Think it needs to be years


Quoted Text
Once inside, John and Merrick approach the front counter,


You don’t need “once inside”.  The scene is INT. We know they are inside.


Quoted Text
They dodge passerby.


Passerby should be plural

Quoted Text


The storefront of the main street run adjacent to the


Should be runs

Quoted Text

Merrick opens the jar, passing a candy to John. He takes on


On should be one


Quoted Text
The boy sit in silence, chewing on the candy.


Boy should be boys.

That was just on the first two pages. I am not going to comment on grammar for the rest of the story as I think you can see there are issues.

Check out:

https://www.grammarly.com/

It's free and is good for checking for errors.




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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AlsoBen
Posted: October 10th, 2016, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, thanks ElDave. I do have a relatively good grasp of grammar (maybe not for a native speaker though, haha). Those are mis-types I clearly missed in my rewrite. Thanks for catching them


MY SCRIPTS:

I Don't Even Think About You Anymore (Short) 5 pages

Hera (Mystery/Drama) 83 Pages

What A Good Boy Does (Short/Drama) 10 Pages
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AlsoBen
Posted: October 10th, 2016, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
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Having another look at this, it may be the wrong draft I uploaded. I swear I fixed these things and the space on 68. I will change the dropbox file.


MY SCRIPTS:

I Don't Even Think About You Anymore (Short) 5 pages

Hera (Mystery/Drama) 83 Pages

What A Good Boy Does (Short/Drama) 10 Pages
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eldave1
Posted: October 10th, 2016, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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There are some grammar and typos issue throughout - do try Grammerly - I'm telling you it is a wizard at catching this stuff.

Later in the script - there are some weird spacing issues - need to be cleaned up.


This (used in a couple of spots)


Quoted Text
BLACK SCREEN

The sounds of a CAR CRASH -- violent, destructive. A child’s SCREAMING.

The car is UPSIDE DOWN, windscreen smashed, it’s contentswreckage.Madison, stuck in her seatbelt, is unconscious in the frontseat. Big gash on her head.


Does not work. You go from Black Screen to a scene (which appears to be a flashback) with no Scene Heading.  Need a scene heading here (also else where)

A few of your flashbacks have no scene heading at all (I think). This around page 57 has no scene heading.


Quoted Text
Sunny, August and Donald are eating a stately dinner.Silence. A TV buzzes in the next
room.


I recall a couple of other instances where scene heading were missing.

As indicated before - there is a lot of cleaning up to do.

In terms of the story. I think you have something here. I liked the dynamic between Madison and her Mom.

I would get rid of the flashback scenes with the Madison car crash. I would get us that info another way. You are already managing a ton of flashbacks with the August story line and more flashbacks just make it all the more complex. For example, Madison can relay some of that information (e.g., about her drunk driving accident) with the dude in the bar, or her Mom, or others.

The ending seemed rushed for me and there were some character arcs and story lines left unattended.  For example. it would be interesting to know if she ever wrote the book. Did she get her son back? What is it about her journey searching for August that change her and the arc of her life?

Good start - but there is some meat to sill be put on the bone IMO and there are a lot of format issues that need tidying.

Hope this helps - best of luck.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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AlsoBen
Posted: October 10th, 2016, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading, Dave.

If you can believe it, the grammar was way worse before I fixed it.

Thanks for the feedback. Will work on it.


MY SCRIPTS:

I Don't Even Think About You Anymore (Short) 5 pages

Hera (Mystery/Drama) 83 Pages

What A Good Boy Does (Short/Drama) 10 Pages
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eldave1
Posted: October 10th, 2016, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
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No problem - good luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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AlsoBen
Posted: October 11th, 2016, 1:20am Report to Moderator
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OK -- finally, I have reuploaded the second draft. Spacing issues are gone, fixed reinstated. Thanks everyone who read so far.


MY SCRIPTS:

I Don't Even Think About You Anymore (Short) 5 pages

Hera (Mystery/Drama) 83 Pages

What A Good Boy Does (Short/Drama) 10 Pages
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