SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 20th, 2018, 3:38pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
October OWC Who Wrote What and Writers Choice
And the Hyper Epic pick is...

The Night Gallery 7WC Scripts

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Dead Sea Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Dead Sea  (currently 1144 views)
Don
Posted: January 21st, 2017, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12561
Posts Per Day
1.93
Dead Sea by Josh Park - Drama - A high school student, desperately seeking a passing grade on a literature project, finds a novel from an allegedly prophetic author that never came true. Until now, when it seems to manifest in her own life.  110 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Cooper
Posted: February 27th, 2017, 1:00am Report to Moderator
Purple



Posts
106
Posts Per Day
0.15
Overall I enjoyed this script quite a bit. As it is, I'd say it's a bit uneven between the two story lines. I LOVED the school story line. The dialogue was great and it felt alive. Very very funny stuff. At times, brilliant.

With that said, I'd seriously cut down on the author story line. Felt like a drag in comparison.

Check your email for page by page notes.
The big takeaway is this is just tweaks away from being amazing!



Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 2
Lightfoot
Posted: February 27th, 2017, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
Purple


Location
London, Ontario
Posts
338
Posts Per Day
0.09
My two cents ...

I loved the opening scene to this, well done on that.

You will need Supers, at least for when we first go to Daniel's story, you do have the year in the slug line, but I think it will be better as a super. I think you'll only need this the first time we go back too, once we get back to Daniel's story again we will already know what era it is. You do mention that there is a calendar on page 10, but unless that specific date ( August 23rd, 1963) is marked off somehow, we can't tell what date it actually is .... if this is even necessary.

Page 25, I'm not 100% sure on this one, but I think there is a certain way to do phone calls, not sure though ... format wise I mean.

Nitpick here:  If that house was really full of contaminated water, wouldn't it be removed?

page 69 typo - I don't think she would've done without you.

page 106 typo Cassie asks " Do you know where Cassie is?"


So ultimately I did enjoy this read, my problems with it are that it takes too long for both stories to finally connect, I know you wanted to build up Cassie's story and provide us with some backstory of Daniel but it takes 50 pages to do  this, roughly around page 54 is when both stories finally connect ...and this is when Cassie chooses the book for her assignment, but Daniel's prophetic writing doesn't start effecting Cassie's life until 30 pages later.


This also leads to another issue I have.....everything seems a bit rushed to me in the end, after it's all said and done you roughly have only 20 or so pages left to tell the actual story which is Daniel's story coming true in Cassie's life.

IMO I think you can cut the first few pages  of when Cassie is at home with her dad and she gets the acceptance letter, I don't think it's really needed.

Try and shorten up the amount of pages it takes to connect the two stories, perhaps try and cut some of Daniel's pages as well.


All in all this was pretty good,
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 2
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006