Like the concept. The dialogue formatting is a little off. That doesn't bother me but the amount of parenthiticals did a bit. There's two guys having a hushed conversation at the start and a lot of reminders like (hushed out the side of his mouth) was distracting for me. And this particular piece of dialogue was on the nose/unnatural expostion -
BARRYMORE (continues to whisper) Too bad, poor boy. Even with you being the war hero, Oscar winner and Princeton grad to boot? Not to mention that you’re becoming a Hollywood legend.
Still i think this is an interesting story and your writing is easy to visualize. The dialogue stuff i have mentioned was enough to put me off a full read though. |