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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Is This Just Infatuation Moderators: bert
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  Author    Is This Just Infatuation  (currently 825 views)
Don
Posted: April 8th, 2017, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Is This Just Infatuation - Part 1 by Junwoo Son - Drama, Teen Historical Romance, Fiction - In Holocaust death camps during the 1940s, teenage Jewish boy Harles Hosser enduringly dares to embark on search for his dream girl Ida, who is Hitler's daughter- Harles tries to prove her that the love's existence is strongly between them with the help from Commandant Rudolf Hoss. 150 pages - pdf, format

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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 9th, 2017, 10:28am
revised draft
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 9th, 2017, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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I think you might have trouble with this from a concept point of view...
1) Hitler didn't have a daughter
2) How would someone in a death camp know about her, even if she did exist?
3) Is it in poor taste to have an imprisoned Jewish boy searching or his one true love, the daughter of the person who murders 6 million of his kin?

Anyway aside from all this I think the script needs a lot of work from a structure and formatting point of view... I read a few pages...
1) 147 pages is very long for a spec script... and only part 1... the norm is between 90 and 110
2) You don't need to CAPITALISE whole action paragraphs of text, it looks like shouting.
3) There are some very awkwardly constructed sentences, I suspect that English may be your second language?
4) Hitler switches between addressing the crowd and conversational speech to those near him, which reads wrong.

I suggest you read some pro-scripts to see how 'good' formatting works and conider the story's commercial appeal too,  


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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