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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  The Emissary Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Emissary  (currently 1383 views)
Don
Posted: April 9th, 2017, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Emissary by Ronald Pergola - Drama, Romance, Fantasy - A beautiful, mysterious, spiritual visitor ensures a distraught widower is properly aligned with his true soulmate prior to his demise. 95 pages - pdf, format

contest: Scriptapalooza Feature  Semi-Finalist 2017

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  August 24th, 2017, 4:49pm
revised draft
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DanielW
Posted: September 1st, 2017, 6:32am Report to Moderator
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I recommend this enjoyable read. I did not see the twist coming.
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JakeJon
Posted: September 1st, 2017, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
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Daniel,  

Thanks for the read.  Glad you enjoyed it.

I see you're new to SS posting.

If you've written something, reply and I'll give it a read.

Thanks again,

Ron  ( JakeJon)
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DanielW
Posted: September 1st, 2017, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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Good morning Ron, (Sorry! It's good evening in the US)

WHITE KNIGHT BLACK BISHOP (85 pages).

Just a back story on the above script.  We all know how hard it is to get a script past the gatekeepers of Hollywood and Co. I decided to change up tactics and hunt down an actor on the fringe. I looked at the cast of Django Unchained - A Tarantino film. If you've seen the movie you'll know 'Big Fred'.
I sent him the above script and thought he would never get it.
2 weeks later, he emailed me, saying he loves the script. He gave me his phone number and I rang him, and had a 10 minute conversation with him. I couldn't believe it.
He lives in New Orleans and said he'll hand it to a few producers, but I've never heard anything back.


Cheers,

Daniel        
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JakeJon
Posted: September 1st, 2017, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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Daniel,

Wow!   The producer doors are the tough ones to break down.    Good luck!

Ron
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eldave1
Posted: September 2nd, 2017, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, bud - bouncing around the site this morning while having my coffee - took a look at the opening page



Quoted Text
EXT. NORTHERN NEW JERSEY TOWN - BUSINESS CENTER - NIGHT

Very dark. Very early morning.

Eerie.

The business center of upscale Saddle River is dead quiet,
totally devoid of people. All businesses are closed.

Over cooked a bit I think.  'Very" twice and dark several times. A lot of space used that could be incorporated into the slug. Something like:  

EXT. CITY OF SADDLE RIVER, NEW JERSEY - BUSINESS CENTER - NIGHT

Dark and eerily quiet - like an urban ghost town. No people. All businesses closed.

Not that exactly - but the point being you could be more efficient.


Quoted Text
Shannon BMW, the prominent business of the town center,
occupies one entire block.


Same issue - if it occupies a block, we know it's prominent. e.g., all you need is:

A BMW DEALERSHIP occupies an entire block of the center....


Quoted Text
An expensive, tinted windowed, sports car escapes through the
opening.


Why not just label the sports car as a BMW from the get go? i.e., use the description that follows in the next scene here instead of there. e.g.,

The sleek black BMW sports with tinted windows escapes through the
opening.


Quoted Text
INT. STATE TROOPER’S CRUISER - NIGHT

Parked, in wait, off the highway, a State Trooper unwraps his
breakfast. His radar screen pulses normally, anxious to
report.

A whirling, misty, black blur passes the trooper’s vehicle.
The screen pulses: no lights, no sounds, no change.
The trooper looks up; looks out. His gaze returns to the
screen.

He calmly bites into his early morning breakfast sandwich,
unfazed.


I think your scene heading needs to be something like:


INT/EXT.  HIGHWAY/STATE TROOPER’S CRUISER - (PARKED) NIGHT

Because the action in the scene takes place inside and outside the car.


Quoted Text
Parked, in wait, off the highway, a State Trooper unwraps his
breakfast. His radar screen pulses normally, anxious to
report.


I think you need to CAP STATE TROOPER.

Okay - these are just nitty issues that came to mind as I was reading the first several pages and wanted to jot them down. I can of dig your style and if I weren't being an anal script reader wouldn't have paid any attention to the above - i.e., they wouldn't disturb someone's read of the script.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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eldave1
Posted: September 2nd, 2017, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
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A few more nits as I read.


Quoted Text
No toll booths


Don't think you need to tell us what's not there.


Quoted Text
In one hand he holds a small fold-open frame with a picture
of his beautiful wife, while in the other, a small bouquet of
flowers.

He speaks to the stone. Between sentences he chugs from a
bottle of bourbon resting between his thighs; pitiable.


Had a hard time imagining both hands filled and also chugging bourbon. I would lose picture - it's a bit of an odd thing to take and we kind of know it is a girl he loves from the dialogue after.


Quoted Text
Another huge chug. He rises and then prostrates himself over
the grave arms spread.


Didn't like this - it took me out of what was otherwise a poignant moment you wrote. It jsut seemed to unnatural an action.


Quoted Text
With bottle in hand, he turns towards an old RED pick-up
truck across the road.

He wobbles slowly to his ride.


Another example where you could be more efficient. Happens in several places. the above could be:

With bottle in hand, he slowly wobbles turns towards an old RED pick-up
truck across the road.


Quoted Text
It begins to snow.

EXT. WOODED NORTH COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT
The snowfall dances across the shining headlight of Byron’s
old, severely damaged, pick-up truck. The vehicle faces the
forest, see-saw teetering, over a snow covered tree limb.


It begins to snow and moments later the limb is snow covered??? Too fast. I would either put snow on the ground at the cemetery (he could wipe it off the headstone) or have it snowing when he is there. But you have to fix the logic issue.


Quoted Text
UNCONSCIOUS, his hands choke the steering wheel.


Didn't buy this - i.e., out but choking a steering wheel


Quoted Text
Across the road, facing in the opposite direction, an
expensive black sports car rests, unattended, collecting
snow.


Don't get why your are just not referring to this is the black BMW - it's the same car - yes?


Quoted Text
INT. SPORTS CAR - NIGHT


Again - the BMW - yes?

Again - just nitty issues - nothing major


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JakeJon
Posted: September 3rd, 2017, 9:36am Report to Moderator
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Dave,
Thanks for the review.  Great feedback.  All well appreciated.  Every nit is totally " spot on".

I have a problem with efficiency.  I tend to overwrite. Guilty in the past and guilty now.  For some reason I write it as I see it or feel it. Sometimes just trying to be cute.   Dangerous!  Your suggestions will be considered.

If you're still here:

Quoted Text
INT. STATE TROOPER’S CRUISER - NIGHT

Parked, in wait, off the highway, a State Trooper unwraps his
breakfast. His radar screen pulses normally, anxious to
report.

A whirling, misty, black blur passes the trooper’s vehicle.
The screen pulses: no lights, no sounds, no change.
The trooper looks up; looks out. His gaze returns to the
screen.

He calmly bites into his early morning breakfast sandwich,
unfazed.

Change slug to  INT/EXT ?  Maybe.   POV was my problem here.  I had the trooper seeing the misty, black, blur through his window.  I was actually trying to be efficient here.  One less camera change.

AND THE SNOW:  It begins to snow and moments later the limb is covered with snow.

It begins to snow as he's leaving the cemetery.  The Gorge ain't exactly around the corner.
You So. CA boys & girls don't understand northeast snow, esp. the Adirondacks.  

Just kidding.  Thanks again for the read and advice.

JJ






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eldave1
Posted: September 3rd, 2017, 10:39am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Dave,
Thanks for the review.  Great feedback.  All well appreciated.  Every nit is totally " spot on".


My pleasure - glad some of it helped


Quoted Text
I have a problem with efficiency.  I tend to overwrite. Guilty in the past and guilty now.  For some reason I write it as I see it or feel it. Sometimes just trying to be cute.   Dangerous!  Your suggestions will be considered.


It is the easily the number one criticism of my writing - so I feel your pain.


Quoted Text
Change slug to  INT/EXT ?  Maybe.   POV was my problem here.  I had the trooper seeing the misty, black, blur through his window.  I was actually trying to be efficient here.  One less camera change.


Not critical - I did understand what you wanted me to see.


Quoted Text
AND THE SNOW:  It begins to snow and moments later the limb is covered with snow.


Ooops - you're right - we went from Day to Night anyway.

One item I forgot to mention was the scene at the bar. The dialogue there seemed a little forced/exposition laden. I know you got to get the background out but they are having some talk among themselves that they would already know. Thought it might help if you had a third party come in to take care of some of the exposition lifting. e.g., maybe a haggard snow covered tow truck driver comes in for coffee. Maise asks him how's it going out there - he provides all the details on the roads shut down - the gorge, etc. etc.

Best of luck with this - it does have a great vibe to it


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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