Quoted Text INT. BEDROOM APARTMENT DAY
We spot a sixteen-year-old young man lying comfortable on
his bed reading porn magazines. He is breathing deeply.
Suddenly, there is a thunderous knock on the door. He pays
no attention because the music is pulsating throughout the
room. Wilford's mother opened the door with a fierce look
on her face. |
Too many words.
Wilfred (16) on his bed stares at his titty magazine; breathing deeply.
Better.
We can't hear Wilfred breathing when loud music plays in his room, or hear Wilfred's mother knocking at the door. You have to introduce the mother outside Wilfred's door knocking on it.
You should introduce your characters by name, in capital, then provide their description.
And Isadora, Wilfred's mother, would never say:
Quoted Text Now we already discussed this
before. You keep being attracted
to girls that are beyond your
league |
A mother wouldn't say a girl is "out of your league" to a child. A father might.
...
Honestly, I think this screenplay is pointless unless it becomes a comedy. Wilfred should be hitting 45, still lives at home with his mother, and Cyrus is the straight but sympathetic best friend. A teenage boy is too young to know true love imo.
You give Wilfred a terminal illness, make Cyrus rally behind Wilfred, and make your screenplay some sort of road trip comedy where Wilfred tries to find happiness despite all the odds.
But you gotta make Wilfred sympathetic. and amusingly hilariously innocent.
I never got far enough to understand Wilfreds disability.. but people with mental disability who are interesting people and say interesting stuff are the ones you should study up on.
A 45 year old with titty magazines in his room being ordered to throw them out by his overbearing mother is more interesting.
You have a long way to go, but there's still opportunity in your screenplay if you're willing to develop yourself.
Pages: 1
Author
There's Something About You
Logged
Locked Board